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Heather Papps


hello internet friend




dearest chancellor, and high council of the world beard and moustache championships,

the winds of change are singing - can you hear their song? we are in an unprecedented time of international turmoil. disease, political unease, wildfires and war stalks the land. in times such as these we have craved stability, but such desires will doom us to repeat the mistakes of the past.
can you feel it? the coming storm?

during the 2003 carson city championships, a "Partial Beard Freestyle and Sideburns" category was added, in honour of "the king" (of sideburns) Elvis Presley.

"the Alaskan Whaler" category was added in the 2009 Anchorage Championships.

i mention these unprecedented additions to the championships to remind you that you have initiated great changes before, as, in my humble opinion it is time to change again.

i humbly prostrate myself, in full awe at the span of the championships history, and suggest to you a single, simple addition that i believe would bring the championship to new heights of acclaim.

we need to add comb-overs.

please, do not crumple this letter and toss it jauntily into the fire, for i am deadly serious.

we need to add comb-overs to the championship.

again, please do not disregard this as a jape. here are my reasons:

reason the first: the comb-over is universal. not every man, (and in 2021 we must realize that not only men produce facial hair, a separate issue on which a letter will be forthcoming), can grow a beard or moustache - yet the comb-over is available to all. the potential for increased attendance and competition is unparalleled.

reason the second: the comb-over is many splendoured - each individual who sports the combed crown upon their brow has unique techniques and strategies to create the beautiful illusion of an unbroken hairline. up until even today, these techniques are held secret as about 90% of individuals i inquire about refuse to admit that they are using one. breaking this illusion, proudly competing among the best beards and moustaches in the world will drag us combers out of the darkness and into a new era of visibility and a renaissance of tricks techniques are sure to be developed.

reason the third: adding a comb-over category would allow for entrants to, for the first time in history of the championship, utilize their head hair within the competition. i know that within the standard 16 categories it is frequently repeated that only the face hair must be used, but would not David Travers legendary "freestyle" snowshoe beard at Anchorage 2019 have been heightened by comb-over that looked like a campfire? or a trout? the possibilities are endless.

i hope these reasons are compelling, and eagerly await a response. i have included a self addressed stamped envelope to speed the process along.
thank you for your time,
your great fan and admirer,
heather papps

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