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PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


hey friends, phiz kalifa here. just coming by to say that, you're definitely good enough to be featured on the Something Awful Dot Com Front Page, so if you needed a sign to put your pen to the grindstone and buff out some chuckles, do it. i believe in you. i'll read your stuff and circle your jokes and give you feedback like FUNNY STUFF, NICE PUN, I LIKE THIS, reaL legit hollywood pro stuff. let's get it done. you can do it, byon.

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

Tomfoolery



Please put me on the front page!!!!

Qualifications:
The premier reseller of gazebos and gazebo-based accessories in the Tri-State Area. My Gazebos are the best in the industry

Front Page Article Types:
Everything about Gazebos; the best gazebos for any occasion; gazebo repair and troubleshooting

My rate:
40% commission on any gazebo sales through the somethingawful website

EDIT: Sorry I forgot to include a writing sample

This budget-friendly option from Better Homes & Gardens has a heavy-duty steel frame and a weather-resistant polyester canopy top. Its double-roof design allows for plenty of light and fresh air into the structure. And those who are planning to bring it with them to their next tailgate will be pleased to know it weighs just 50 pounds and comes with a carrying bag.

I didn't write that but I can write something like it for the site

Tomfoolery fucked around with this message at 17:36 on May 10, 2021

cruft



Good job, op, you made it happen!



Tomfoolery



Thanks for reminding me. I'm going to go have some kids

Tomfoolery



Just checking in --- have you had a chance to read my writing sample and when can I start writing for the front page????

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

Tomfoolery



In case it's not clear I'd really like to write for the front page. I have PMs please let me know

Tomfoolery



Is it something I said? Do you think I'm ugly? I'm sorry. Please get back to me soon.

Stoner Sloth



BYOB on the frontpage, poker in the rear

Tomfoolery



I know my last message was 30 seconds ago but I can't take the stress. Just, you know, message me, please

Tomfoolery



Hey, Tomfoolery here

Any progress on the front page writer choice? Anything I can do to help?

Tomfoolery



This is super hurtful and I'm not sure I want to work for a company that doesn't quickly respond to someone who is so eager and capable. Never mind I take back my offer to write gazebo based articles for the front page

Tomfoolery



Sorry I didn't mean that I do want to write for the front page please ignore my last post

Tomfoolery



It doesn't have to be about Gazebos. We also sell lawn gnomes, gardening supplies, and some second hand grills. I'll be here. Let me know what you think.

Tomfoolery



For anybody interested here is some good advice about bird feeders (maybe this could go on the front page too)

Of all the models we tested, the Onyx was the sturdiest and best-built bird feeder we came across. It has tough metal components that secure tightly to the body of the feeder. The Onyx is also versatile enough to hold several different feed types and comes backed by a lifetime guarantee against squirrel damage. Most important, in including a removable base for easy cleaning and roomy perches, Droll Yankees has designed it with a birdís health in mind. We tested both the 18-inch and 15-inch versions of Droll Yankeesís full seed feeder. We think most people should pay extra for the larger version, as we like how the removable base makes cleaning easier. But if itís unavailable, you wonít regret choosing the smaller feeder.

If you want to see the fullest variety of birds in your outdoor space, you need a few different feeders. If I could have a full quiver of bird feeders to ensure the widest avian population in my garden, Iíd also include the following three.

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




Legitimately worried that I'm now too sad to write for the front page. Nobody wants to read sad things on a comedy website. Nobody wants to be beholden to the literary equivalent of a velvet painting of a sad crying clown in an iron lung.

Khad

third time's the HRAAAAAAAAAAAAALF


done

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


For reasons still unclear to me one of my threads was used on a front page type thing.

Tomfoolery



Mormon Nailer posted:

Legitimately worried that I'm now too sad to write for the front page. Nobody wants to read sad things on a comedy website. Nobody wants to be beholden to the literary equivalent of a velvet painting of a sad crying clown in an iron lung.

I want to be beholden to the literary equivalent of a velvet painting of a sad crying clown in an iron lung. :hugs:

Phiz please call me

your friend sk

(ヤイケス!)




but doctor, i'm postliacci!


thank you BALLS DILDO!!


Add to your sig if you're a proud supporter of Local 69!
Check out my Retired Sig Parade!


share your shame here

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




Okay. I have a decent prompt; I'll see what I can turn out for a sample. I don't recycle pitches, so.

wimsy



Who actually reads things anymore

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




I don't I just post them

Luvcow




Tomfoolery posted:

For anybody interested here is some good advice about bird feeders (maybe this could go on the front page too)

Of all the models we tested, the Onyx was the sturdiest and best-built bird feeder we came across. It has tough metal components that secure tightly to the body of the feeder. The Onyx is also versatile enough to hold several different feed types and comes backed by a lifetime guarantee against squirrel damage. Most important, in including a removable base for easy cleaning and roomy perches, Droll Yankees has designed it with a birdís health in mind. We tested both the 18-inch and 15-inch versions of Droll Yankeesís full seed feeder. We think most people should pay extra for the larger version, as we like how the removable base makes cleaning easier. But if itís unavailable, you wonít regret choosing the smaller feeder.

If you want to see the fullest variety of birds in your outdoor space, you need a few different feeders. If I could have a full quiver of bird feeders to ensure the widest avian population in my garden, Iíd also include the following three.

and all the others posts before lol

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


Mormon Nailer posted:

sad crying clown in an iron lung.

oh my god this conjured an image that hurled me violently backwards through time AND space

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


tomfoolery you've got the job. please postmark all your posts to something awful headquarters, care of jeffery o'yospos, po box 69420, milwaukachusetts, arkansassee, XXXXXXX.

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




PHIZ KALIFA posted:

oh my god this conjured an image that hurled me violently backwards through time AND space

I'm sorry, you're welcome.

Tomfoolery



PHIZ KALIFA posted:

tomfoolery you've got the job. please postmark all your posts to something awful headquarters, care of jeffery o'yospos, po box 69420, milwaukachusetts, arkansassee, XXXXXXX.

Thank you sir you won't regret it sir
pre:
___________________________________________________________________________________________
   Tomfoolery                                                BYOB STAMP
   A nice place
   Zip code goes here??

                                        jeffery o'yospos
                                        po box 69420
                                        milwaukachusetts, arkansassee, XXXXXXX

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Tomfoolery fucked around with this message at 12:10 on May 12, 2021

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Punching in Something Awful Dot Com then slowly, carefully, stapling a print out of BYOB to the screen.

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


Escape From Noise posted:

Punching in Something Awful Dot Com then slowly, carefully, stapling a print out of BYOB to the screen.

grimacing at the screen till its all obscured by the Hammocat

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

KaBob

return of the bird tribes

My bird meows while we're out on walks and that's probably the sanest thing you'll hear from me.

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Send me 5bux and I'll write an article! Probably.

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

Khad

third time's the HRAAAAAAAAAAAAALF


I used to write poop articles about mmos

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