|
Did someone say big feels? I wrote a big post about my neurodivergence and mental illness. (C/W: Suicide, Mental illness) Ever since I could remember, I’ve always felt big emotions. My thoughts go round and round in my head, zipping along with no end in sight. It’s nearly impossible to pin my emotions. Am I happy? What is happy? Am I sad? What is sad? While I know the meaning of these words, trying to spin them into Social Norms is daunting. I don’t just feel happy, I also feel sad, angry, and afraid all at various degrees. Nowadays I’ve learned to give a socially acceptable answer, but I want to tell people how I really feel. Which 90% of the time is “I don’t know, I guess my major emotion is…” Such answers only confuse Neurotypicals. It didn’t help that back when I was a kid, it seemed that you could only feel one emotion at a time. Even back in the 90s and early 2000s, deviating from the norm was invisibly shunned. If you felt any negative emotion, well, there was always somebody worse than you, so deal with it. As a kid, I often complained about the noise levels at school assemblies. My EA’s response was to always tell the story about a time a big drumming performance came to the school. It got so loud that ten kids had to leave. What could be as bad as that? Even as a kid, I got the message. Your neurodivergent feelings don’t actually matter. My mom tried. She really did. But she is very Neurotypical. She didn’t have the patience to put up with my antics a lot of the time. If I cried too much as a kid, she would separate us for a while. Admittedly, most of it was kid whining. But she didn’t seem to know how to deal with someone like me. When I was thirteen, depression first hit me. Not knowing what to do, I told my mom. Her response was, “You are not depressed. If you really were depressed, you would stay in bed the whole day and show no emotion.” (My mom has since apologized despite not remembering this comment.) The above mentioned incidents led me down a rather weird path online. In the mid-to-late 2000’s, picking on emo kids was the Thing to Do around the weird edgelord circles I ended up in online. These kids usually came from “good homes” so what was there to be sad about? I laughed at the emo kids, but deep down, this would affect me. “You should find a better group of people.” The adults in my life would retort. Adult me understands that advice. But to thirteen year old me, laughing at people “faking sadness and cutting” was how I understood the world. It was funny to make jokes about how “the emo kids were too pussy to kill themselves.” Those jokes sound rightfully horrific now, but they made sense at the time. You had to be a Darfur war orphan to have your pain taken seriously. For many years, I wanted to be twenty because that was when my mental illness would be taken seriously somehow. My parents took me to many counselors. But I didn’t dare say anything about depression because I didn’t have it. Plus what could a kid from a good home have to be sad about? I wish I could tell you that there’s a happy ending to this story. And there is, for the most part. I grew up and most of the Internet did too. But I still struggle with seeing mental illness as something I’m too privileged to experience. The various jokes about emo kids still cycle through my anxiety filled mind. All I want for someone to rescue me from my mind. For a handsome prince to wake me up from my waking nightmare and say, “I’m here. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” I still haven’t found my savior.
|
#
¿
Jan 6, 2022 04:57
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 2, 2024 04:56 |
|
|
YaketySass posted:Yeah. I think Aura was a gifted kid in their childhood. This route has Former Gifted Kid energy.
|
|
#
¿
Jan 7, 2022 19:05
|
|
|
someone awful. posted:i'm bad at words, so forgive me if this is nonsensical. I can relate to this so much. I'm not an artist like Rin exactly, but I do write. Writing professionally is pain. Creative writing is a mixed bag. You get very few people that understand what you're trying to say. Usually your crappiest work gets the most amount of praise for some reason.
|
|
#
¿
Jan 10, 2022 00:59
|
|