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cruft



Hi, I was told to make a terlet posting thred, after mentioning we got a BRAND NEW BUTTHOLE-SQUIRTING teRLET SEAT.

I still haven't pooped while on it yet but everybody else in the family has, which just goes to show you that the person who does all the terlet work is gonna be the last to enjoy the luxury. C'est la vie.

Anyway, post about your poopin' I guess. Or post while poopin'. Or post about your poopin' while poopin'.

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Gramps





bidet crew gangtag when

cruft



Old bidet looked like this:



You stick it between your existing toilet seat and the toilet, and put some spacers on the front of the seat. Then you hook it inline with the water infeed, and you can squirt water onto your butthole! Maybe into a little bit too, if that's your thing. It's my thing, but maybe not for everyone? I like to have a squeaky clean anus.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Does the trick, $25.

Next post: THE NEW TERLET SEAT

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




Ground floor toilet posting, gimme that sweet clean rear end cartel gangtag.

Which toilet did you get, cruft???

I have the Toto G400 and it's exquisite. My butt is warm, clean and has listened to the sounds of waterfalls and birds today. Bet you're rear end in a top hat hasn't had the Cadillac shitter experience, but you're welcome to come try mine.

cruft



NEW TERLET SEAT THAT SQUIRTS YOU IN THE BUTTHOLE:



I mean it's pretty much the same thing, you put it inline with the water supply and then you turn something and it squirts you in the butthole, but this one lets you direct where the jet of water goes by pushing the lever down, instead of moving your rear end around to catch the spray right. Very luxurious.

Also you'll notice the contoured back, which gently slopes up to meet your tailbone, so you can sit in there for hours reading SA or whatever, maybe. I hope it doesn't pick up a bunch of nasty rear end crack juice. My dad has one and it seems fine, so I'm not too worried about this.

cruft



SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

We've had a bidet for a lot longer than most American due to my BUTTHOLE CANCER SCAR so here are some questions we've gotten a lot from people:

Q: Isn't the water cold?
A: Yes. Yes it is.

Q: Isn't that uncomfortable?
A: You get used to it. It's the same temperature as the water you wash your hands with, unless you let the faucet run for 2 minutes before you wash your hands, in which case, we need to talk about responsible water use in the desert.

Q: I'm not comfortable with this.
A: That's fine, don't use it. Feel free to smear poop around your butt with paper until it's just a thin layer of poop. It's your butt.

Q: I'm 5 years old and just walked up to the toilet. What does this lever do?
A: Hahahahahahahaha

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




cruft posted:

NEW TERLET SEAT THAT SQUIRTS YOU IN THE BUTTHOLE:



I mean it's pretty much the same thing, you put it inline with the water supply and then you turn something and it squirts you in the butthole, but this one lets you direct where the jet of water goes by pushing the lever down, instead of moving your rear end around to catch the spray right. Very luxurious.

Also you'll notice the contoured back, which gently slopes up to meet your tailbone, so you can sit in there for hours reading SA or whatever, maybe. I hope it doesn't pick up a bunch of nasty rear end crack juice. My dad has one and it seems fine, so I'm not too worried about this.

A fine rear end washing device, to be sure.

cruft



Mormon Nailer posted:

Ground floor toilet posting, gimme that sweet clean rear end cartel gangtag.

Which toilet did you get, cruft???

I have the Toto G400 and it's exquisite. My butt is warm, clean and has listened to the sounds of waterfalls and birds today. Bet you're rear end in a top hat hasn't had the Cadillac shitter experience, but you're welcome to come try mine.

We just have a standard ol' Australian-designed toilet. It's sold as an American Standard H2Option and it looks like this:



We didn't get the elongated bowl because our bathroom is pretty small and it'd take up too much room. I don't think the ladies in the house care, but the geometry of the bowl means I have to touch my own dong sometimes, which winds up not really being a problem.

cruft



I want to hear about the Toto G4000. Does it have Bluetooth?

cruft



quote:

The WASHLET G400 a smart toilet and a convenient compact design. The 3D Tornado Flush™ system uses an efficient 1.28 or 0.9 GPF. Complete with our CEFIONTECT™ ion barrier glaze. The G400 minimizes debris and mold from sticking to ceramic surfaces, keeping your toilet cleaner, longer.

I mean I played that GameCube Star Wars game and the ion cannon kept getting me every drat time, I never was able to escort the convoy off planet. I presume this is the same sort of system, and fear for my anus.

cruft



cruft posted:

Q: I'm 5 years old and just walked up to the toilet. What does this lever do?
A: Hahahahahahahaha

I don't think it can be overstated how much joy there is to be had when small children squirt themselves in the chest with the bidet attachment. Or the ceiling. Or both.

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




cruft posted:

I want to hear about the Toto G4000. Does it have Bluetooth?

It does not have the Bluetooth functionality (that is legitimately a thing you can get though!) but it does have a remote control. In case you're into that sort of thing.

This one has something called 3D Tornado Flush System, which means it sucks your awful bodily excrement down with such forceful water that it's almost like you never even poo poo, and how dare anyone assume that your perfect rear end in a top hat would ever dare do such a thing.

It's also got a heated seat, heated drying system, three cleansing modes (rear, front and soft rear, for those with sensitive or hosed up booty holes) and music on board.

The toilet self flushes when you stand. There's also a built in courtesy flush system in case you're dropping serious rear end and no amount of music will cover the smell.

Speaking of which, it has an on board room deodorizer system. So in case you are me, and a disgusting goblin who poops but you don't want anyone to know that you are anything but a beautiful hedge witch, you can hit a button on your toilet remote and instantly fumigate the room with a range of scents. Seriously.

The music is great because there's, on my toilet, eight pre-programmed ambient noise sound effects, a children's potty training song, and the sound of a toilet continuously flushing.

It's basically like having someone go poo poo for you, instead. That would be the only real improvement.

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




Oh yeah the mist. So, before you poo poo, you can hit a button to have the toilet spray a fine must, so that your raunchy, mucous-covered butt nuggets don't stick to the bowl. It's great for, again, not wanting anyone to know you have ever, or will ever, poo poo.

cruft



Mormon Nailer posted:

It does not have the Bluetooth functionality (that is legitimately a thing you can get though!) but it does have a remote control. In case you're into that sort of thing.

This one has something called 3D Tornado Flush System, which means it sucks your awful bodily excrement down with such forceful water that it's almost like you never even poo poo, and how dare anyone assume that your perfect rear end in a top hat would ever dare do such a thing.

It's also got a heated seat, heated drying system, three cleansing modes (rear, front and soft rear, for those with sensitive or hosed up booty holes) and music on board.

The toilet self flushes when you stand. There's also a built in courtesy flush system in case you're dropping serious rear end and no amount of music will cover the smell.

Speaking of which, it has an on board room deodorizer system. So in case you are me, and a disgusting goblin who poops but you don't want anyone to know that you are anything but a beautiful hedge witch, you can hit a button on your toilet remote and instantly fumigate the room with a range of scents. Seriously.

The music is great because there's, on my toilet, eight pre-programmed ambient noise sound effects, a children's potty training song, and the sound of a toilet continuously flushing.

It's basically like having someone go poo poo for you, instead. That would be the only real improvement.

This all sounds amazing and makes me feel like my new toilet seat is just a pale shadow of the majestic heights to which a simple toilet can aspire.

I am, however, going to have to insist on you directing me to someplace I can hear the children's song that your toilet sings.

cruft



UPDATE: I have just done a #1 and it was everything I dreamed it could be. A+ would go #1 again.

I have high hopes for future pooping activity.

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


I love me electric toilet seat. And being in Japan, that means that not only do I have one at home, but also I can go sample many types while out on the town!

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Here is some some classic BYOB toilet humor.
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3917114&pagenumber=1&perpage=40

your friend sk

(ヤイケス!)




cruft posted:

Q: Isn't the water cold?
A: Yes. Yes it is.

i got used to the cold water pretty quickly, but if it's really bad you can spend the extra on one that hooks up to the hot water line. i've def burned my b hole though so be careful


thank you BALLS DILDO!!


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share your shame here

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Mine just heats the water to a soothing warmth. Don't wanna scald your bhole!

Stoner Sloth



Escape From Noise posted:

I love me electric toilet seat. And being in Japan, that means that not only do I have one at home, but also I can go sample many types while out on the town!

how has Japan advanced so rapidly in terlet tech?!? we cannot allow a butthole gap!!

cruft



sk posted:

i got used to the cold water pretty quickly, but if it's really bad you can spend the extra on one that hooks up to the hot water line. i've def burned my b hole though so be careful

There are even ones that instantly warm the cold water to a soothing butthole temperature. Sounds like EFN might have such a terlet.

cruft



My keyboard keeps autocorrecting terlet into turret, which could wind up in interesting places given all the talk about bidets.

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


cruft posted:

There are even ones that instantly warm the cold water to a soothing butthole temperature. Sounds like EFN might have such a terlet.

Oh baby. You know it. It's a cheaper Toshiba model. I was going to go all in but started to realize the much more expensive models didn't really have all that much more to offer.

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Lol. There is an entire Wikipedia article on Japanese toilets.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan

Ass-penny



I have never used a bidet, as I am but a peasant.


Thank you Khanstant for the excellent gobbo
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻ #YesNutNovember - add this to your sig if you love and support BYOB's own nut
shout out hbag for the probe badge labour

more falafel please

forums poster



cruft posted:

There are even ones that instantly warm the cold water to a soothing butthole temperature. Sounds like EFN might have such a terlet.

in the home brewing world there's a term for a system that has a water heater element built into the the mash recirculation loop, so that the liquid is consistently kept at the set temperature. it's called a Recirculating Infusion Mash System or RIMS. so all you need is to get a RIMS job on your terlet



big thanks to pot smoke phoenix for the summer sig!

more falafel please

forums poster



one time I stayed in a very fancy hotel by accident, like the hotel where your cousin who pretends to be real high Class might get married. there was a quilt stand in the room. there was also a stand-alone bidet and it was pretty nice I gotta say



big thanks to pot smoke phoenix for the summer sig!

prepuce repurposed

felt cute, might delete later




what u want is a washlet

cruft



prepuce repurposed posted:

what u want is a washlet

: this orb gets it

barnold

...but i didnt finish




poop comes out of an rear end and goes into a terlet (preferably)

Ventral EggSac



hold up hold up hold up

the standard terlet we all know and love was designed in Australia??

frump truck
this is my text



Mormon Nailer posted:

I have the Toto G400 and it's exquisite

i made an entire recent thread about how i want and can't have this
please live my dreams for me, posting friend

cruft



Ventral EggSac posted:

hold up hold up hold up

the standard terlet we all know and love was designed in Australia??

The ones that use very little water are usually an Aussie design, yes.

I found this out when the flush mechanism was broken on arrival with our replacement tank. Lots of looking at plastic with magnifying glasses and googling wound me up on an Australian flush mechanism manufacturer web site.

I wound up fixing the part with a hair dryer.

cruft fucked around with this message at 13:13 on May 17, 2021

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




frump truck posted:

i made an entire recent thread about how i want and can't have this
please live my dreams for me, posting friend

Are you for real?

I got mine from The Habitat ReStore. For real. $850. Brand new. Cotton white. A bunch of contractors offloaded their build supplies from a failed business venture at the beginning of the pandango so I grabbed it.

If you really really want one and can help me arrange shipping, we can look for one and you can buy it if you have money for it. They're anywhere from 650 to 3k.

Mormon Nailer

PHANTOM QUEEN




cruft posted:


I wound up fixing the part with a hair dryer.

Fine Australian quality needs specialized tools.

The Stubborn Dad in me recognizes the Stubborn Dad in you.

cruft



Mormon Nailer posted:

Fine Australian quality needs specialized tools.

The Stubborn Dad in me recognizes the Stubborn Dad in you.

gently caress if I'm going to ship a plastic stick from Australia. That's wasteful.

frump truck
this is my text



Mormon Nailer posted:

Are you for real?

I got mine from The Habitat ReStore. For real. $850. Brand new. Cotton white. A bunch of contractors offloaded their build supplies from a failed business venture at the beginning of the pandango so I grabbed it.

If you really really want one and can help me arrange shipping, we can look for one and you can buy it if you have money for it. They're anywhere from 650 to 3k.

For real - my bathroom configuration (and weird toilet that doesn't have the right valve) doesn't allow for it. I appreciate your offer though!

Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


Welcome to the toilet
We've got hot bidets

alnilam


Posting in the springtime


Please use the one true spelling/pronunciation itt, which is "terlet"

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Escape From Noise

Would an advertising executive
Understand where the homeless live?
Would he know about the bubbles in his glass?
Would the bubbles in his glass
Understand what the man's golf cart is?
Do they know you can die frozen underneath an overpass?


alnilam posted:

Please use the one true spelling/pronunciation itt, which is "terlet"

Hunh hunh hunh! I am...how you say? LES FRENCH DIP!

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