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Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

ah, welcome. in life, you saved over your brother's file in final fantasy 6. we hope you'll enjoy getting his file back to where it was in this custom port we've made just for you... with the Steam artwork and the Playstation load times!! Uweeee-hee-hee!

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Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

it's E3 all year long here in Hell, but if you're waiting for the Nintendo Direct, well... let's just say you'll be waiting a loooooooooong time!

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

why yes, you can leave any time you like. all you have to do is beat miracle johnson in a dance contest

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Did I make it? I see my custom controller, a beautiful CRT monitor, a pristine GameCube... This must be Gamer Heaven. Wait, did I press Z? I could have sworn it was R. And my opponent, why do his moves feel so familiar?

Leffen: Welcome, hax. We've been waiting for you.

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Pablo Nergigante posted:

DEMON: So you like JRPGS, huh?
HOMER: Uh huh.
DEMON: Well then, have all the JRPGS in the world!!!
*time jump to Homer happily playing Trails of Cold Steel XVIII*
DEMON: I don't understand it. Tim Rogers went mad after 15 minutes.

lol

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Rabid Boar posted:

All your favorite games are remastered by a developer you've never heard of that hosed up all the parts you liked and completely changed characters' personalities.

wait a minute...

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

the Witcher 3: All Shallow Water edition

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

symbolic posted:

strapped to a chair with your eyes forced open Clockwork Orange-style as Satan cackles and plays every GDQ on loop for eternity

and behind you, cackling through their halitosis, is every something awful poster with the horny squid kid and Isabelle avatars.

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

you can post in all your favorite gaming threads in Hell, and would you look at that, many of their hits have just been featured in the illustrious PYF.

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Sub-Actuality posted:

The Devil has challenged you to a guitar battle for your eternal soul, but you smirk confidently: you 100% Through The Fire And Flames on Expert regularly. Your eyes widen in horror as he pulls out two real guitars…

Devil: Joke's on you, Georgia guy, this golden N64 controller basically came free with a Nintendo Power subscription.

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

In Gamer Hell:

Static horse testicles, they don’t shrink in cold weather
You can’t name your horse
You can’t scold or praise your horse
Whistle radius doesn’t grow when the horse bond grows
Horse equipment isn’t fully customizable, not even the saddle that has golden pins or the hair
A Dutch preview said they couldn’t put dreadlocks in the hair of their horse
Horses don’t poo poo dynamically
You can’t walk your horse around
Your horse won’t jump onto a moving train
Brush your horses. Arthur makes remarks about the horse without regard to the horses gender
You can’t store horses in stables so you have no backup horses
Horses die but can be resurrected
Tell a horse to stay to end it's life
Horses can’t kick behind them. In no preview have they ever killed a man
Horses don’t have personalities
Horses can’t move sideways
Horses can’t learn tricks

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

On a TV in gamer hell a sad, listless Reggie Fils-Aime quietly sobs that No, his body is not Reggie

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

crying tears of horror as people begin to stream Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and they have the absolutely correct screen resolution

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Sub-Actuality posted:

gamer hell is standing in line for a midnight launch, bringing home your physical copy, and opening up the box to find nothing but a download code


Bicyclops posted:

wait a minute...


Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

trying to jack off posted:

ill play it to be polite

lol

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

you think yourself in gamer heaven, playing the latest fire emblem game. only when you realise that you are recruiting the characters in the wrong order do you turn in horror, just in time to hear the faint hiss of gas flooding the room

lmao

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

the playstation 3 has not been hacked, not on any firmware, not ever.

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Ah, welcome to your great reward. At long last, you can play all the many sequels to Star Control 2... all developed by Brad Wardell.

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Pablo Nergigante posted:

Your mother plays Xbox in hell!



Hey, just picked up an original gold cartridge of Majora's Mask! Looks like it was definitely used - the file names are "CAPTAIN" and "HOWDY."

Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

Aonuma: Please understand that you'll have to wait a little bit longer to hear about Breath of the Wild 2, but in the meantime, we have some exciting news about Skyward Sword.

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Bicyclops
Aug 27, 2004

everyone crying at nintedo's latest survey and tearfully clicking the radial button next to "I'm tired of Mario."

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