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Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.




WHAT IS FASHION LIBEL?
About a year ago, a bunch of goons decided they missed the old Fashion SWAT articles and decided to do something about it.

Enter Fashion Libel.

So far, we've completed about five "traditional" Fashion SWAT-type articles, with static photos and riffing underneath. But we took it a little farther, and actually riffed a pretentious Dior collection video. This video is fully voiced by only the most fashionable of goons (a few of whom know nothing about fashion).

We only have the one video, but we're starting with it because, well, we made the drat thing. Expect further updates in the article format throughout the week.
Upcoming themes:
Y2K fashion
1920s parasols
Haute couture
FASHION IN THE FUTURE
and more...

CREDITS:

Performed by Fleta McGurn, PHIZ KHALIFA, and BoldFrankensteinMir.
Written by Fleta McGurn, PHIZ KHALIFA, BFM, Barudak
Additional content by teen witch
The sound stuff was done by PHIZ KHALIFA
Logo and art by BFM
The video is owned by Christian Dior, I guess
We are not making any money off this, anyways. Or you can see the credits for the original video if you click the link.

:nws:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRcf997bOvg

tl;dr: MST3K, but make it fashion.

Episodes:

Y2K Stylez: Part 1 Part 2
Clothing of the Future
Sunshades for Daughters

Justice League of America American League of Justice: Part 1 Part 2

Fleta Mcgurn fucked around with this message at 15:19 on Sep 15, 2021

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Yaldabaoth
Oct 9, 2012


I love how everything has to be a youtube video now.

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



I wash bikini underwear int he open.

Linux Pirate
Apr 21, 2012

Well, there goes our grant money.





Fleta Mcgurn posted:



WHAT IS FASHION LIBEL?
About a year ago, a bunch of goons decided they missed the old Fashion SWAT articles and decided to do something about it.

Enter Fashion Libel.

So far, we've completed about five "traditional" Fashion SWAT-type articles, with static photos and riffing underneath. But we took it a little farther, and actually riffed a pretentious Dior collection video. This video is fully voiced by only the most fashionable of goons (a few of whom know nothing about fashion).

We only have the one video, but we're starting with it because, well, we made the drat thing. Expect further updates in the article format throughout the week.
Upcoming themes:
Y2K fashion
1920s parasols
Haute couture
FASHION IN THE FUTURE
and more...

CREDITS:

Performed by Fleta McGurn, PHIZ KHALIFA, and BigFrankensteinMir.
Written by Fleta McGurn, PHIZ KHALIFA, BFM, Barudak
Additional content by teen witch
The sound stuff was done by PHIZ KHALIFA
Logo and art by BFM
The video is owned by Christian Dior, I guess
We are not making any money off this, anyways. Or you can see the credits for the original video if you click the link.

:nws:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRcf997bOvg

tl;dr: MST3K, but make it fashion.

Solid concept, some good jokes.

One criticism would be to make the line delivery less cheesy and forced. Maybe work on a more natural tone of voice. The quality between mics is a little noticeable, but since I assume you're doing this remotely it's not a big deal.

Other than that I'm glad Fashion Swat is back.

sigher
Apr 22, 2008

Down the Rabbit Hole.



Zeluth posted:

I wash bikini underwear int he open.

Same, but the people wearing it don't appreciate it.

Jose Oquendo
Jun 20, 2004

At the end of 2018, a study was published by London Metropolitan University showing that certain bacteria, normally present only in intestinal tracts or feces, were found on McDonald's self-service screens.




Well that was unfunny. I guess that can expected from having someone who wrote the worst ever front page article work on this.

cruft
Oct 25, 2007



I laughed out loud. Nice job!

From an audio perspective, something that may be putting people off is the different acoustic properties of the rooms you're recording in. If you're going to do a second one, you should put some time into creating a makeshift sound booth at home. You want to surround yourself with stuff that absorbs sound, so like rugs and blankets and pillows. Basically a pillow fort. Before sinking a ton of time into recording your track, record just a few lines in your pillow fort and mix everybody together to see if they all sound the same.

If you're not already all using the same microphone, that could help too.

I don't know if the Rifftrax folks do this, but it might also help to add the tiniest bit of reverb post-mix, to make it sound more like they're all in the same acoustic chamber (aka room).

But this was a lot of fun! Some funny jokes in there, and the pacing wasn't bad. You did a good job with timing making it sound like you were playing off each other, and the sync was great. Crazy source video, too.

Also LOLing the second play-through at all the voices being affected by I presume Fleta McGurn.

cruft fucked around with this message at 17:04 on Jul 30, 2021

Ass-penny
Jan 18, 2008



You were not joking about that video being pretentious. There were some alright jokes though. I kind of agree with Yaldabaoth, I don't think this being in a video format is really adding anything to me, actually because I'm usually listening to music text jokes about still images would be more my speed.

Good on all of you for putting in work to try and generate content for the site though. I'm looking forward to seeing what else you have.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Thanks for the feedback, guys, it's genuinely appreciated! Think of that video as our pilot--it's a bit messy, but it's got potential (to be the basis of a cease-and-desist lawsuit). And yeah; the audio quality is bad on my end. We're doing this all remotely; some of us are in the US and some of us are in Europe and some of us are in Asia. We're taking steps to correct audio issues in the future if we decide to do more videos.

Stay tuned for article format later today!

cruft posted:

I laughed out loud. Nice job!

From an audio perspective, something that may be putting people off is the different acoustic properties of the rooms you're recording in. If you're going to do a second one, you should put some time into creating a makeshift sound booth at home. You want to surround yourself with stuff that absorbs sound, so like rugs and blankets and pillows. Basically a pillow fort. Before sinking a ton of time into recording your track, record just a few lines in your pillow fort and mix everybody together to see if they all sound the same.

If you're not already all using the same microphone, that could help too.

I don't know if the Rifftrax folks do this, but it might also help to add the tiniest bit of reverb post-mix, to make it sound more like they're all in the same acoustic chamber (aka room).

But this was a lot of fun! Some funny jokes in there, and the pacing wasn't bad. You did a good job with timing making it sound like you were playing off each other, and the sync was great. Crazy source video, too.

Also LOLing the second play-through at all the voices being affected by I presume Fleta McGurn.

I am the only lady so if you hear ladyvoices it's me. But Archimede transcends gender. (we got in a bathtub and all kindsa crazy poo poo happened!)

Jose Oquendo posted:

Well that was unfunny. I guess that can expected from having someone who wrote the worst ever front page article work on this.

What front page articles have you written? We should totally compare and see if we can pick up pointers from you!

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Introducing Rogue and Mud, our noble protagonists.


Episode 1, Part 1

Mud- Since I chose today’s subject, I wanted to set the mood before we begin.
Rogue- Oh, no. I’m not doing another one of those lame dramatic readings with you.
Mud- Rude! Don’t worry, I’ve trimmed this one down to a breezy 115 pages, and--
Rogue- What is this thing we’re sitting on, anyways? I keep sliding off it....
Mud- An inflatable sofa.
Rogue- Well, it’s terrible. And what is that awful sound?
Mud- That, my friend, is nu-metal. Here, have a Snapple Elements. Mood officially set!
Rogue- Oh, god, no. Don’t tell me it’s millennial teen fashion.
Mud- That, and so much more!



Mud - Okay, close your eyes and imagine this: It is 199X. REM has been on the radio for three years straight. You have just returned home from vacation bible school, where you were obligated to wear an itchy white blouse and hot wool skirt all day, every day. There is a comically large, red-and-white-striped Seussian hat crumpled over the arm of your chair. The boys from Hanson smile warmly down upon you from your popcorn ceiling.
Rogue- I can almost smell the Gap Dream perfume…
Mud- The dulcet tones of “Spice Up Your Life” fade in your ears as the DJ blares, “And now, another thirty-five minutes of commerciiiaaallls!”
Rogue - “You won’t believe this crazy fact about denim that will blow your mind!”
Mud - “Fabric, apply directly to the fabric!” You nostalgic yet, Rogue?
Rogue - No.



Rogue - This era of clothing was definitely driven by excess of fabric, but apparently not by an excess of quality fabric.
Mud- Decades before pleather reinvented itself as socially conscious
Rogue - Meemaw’s old curtains, an untapped natural resource.
Mud - A bunch of hardscrabble mountain men getting linen lung from harvesting a Goodwill.
Rogue - Clear-cutting the Rainforest Cafe gift shop to harvest frogs to dye their t-shirts.
Mud - Blasting underneath a closed Woolworth’s for easy fabric, only to cause fake fur seepage into the local water supply.
Rogue - Fracking slays, and so does this dress made out of 800 pounds of faux-Scottish pride.
Mud - It’s worth it to look like the Highlander’s girlfriend. Which isn’t a bad idea, because they’ll never cheat on you...
Rogue - Please tell me this isn’t going where I think it’s going--
Mud - ...because there can only be one!



Mud - The zoot suit for the 90s alternative woman.
Rogue - Proud owner of the entire Riotgrrrl discography.
Mud - The bass line to Cannonball plays whenever she walks into a room.
Rogue - The boots say “I’m tough and can kick your rear end,” while the chunky heel says “and snap my ankle in the process.”
Mud- This was the required uniform for working at Empire Records.
Rogue- We needed the pockets back then so we could just casually carry an entire CD binder, in case a cutie expressed interest in the bands we name-dropped.
Mud - Who needed a coin pocket in 2000? What, are you saving tokens for your next trip to the arcade at the mall? Is she planning to visit her grandmother who still thinks a nickel is a real humdinger of a gift?
Rogue - The whole outfit, from the clunky shoes to the coin purse, feels like it wants to be “in your face,” yet simultaneously demure and domestic.
Mud - Engineer’s pants are domestic?
Mud - It’s what the era was about; women finally having it all: a man, respect, and an inbound going to Tulsa at 2:15 that needs an engine switchout.



Rogue - The sad thing is, the only reason I know this collage isn’t from today is because of the corded phones.
Mud- In photo G, you can tell the photographer ran out of ways to make phones and t-shirts look fun.
Rogue - Respect the model diversity...
Mud- Oh, definitely, but still not enough visibility for My Little Pony Fans.
Rogue - Doing the math, people were paying $40 for the privilege of looking like your uncle worked for Mobile back in the 80s and had a box full of corporate retreat shirts cluttering up his garage.
Mud - The bootleg of this shirt is just the actual shirt made by the company.
Rogue - At least this is an actual shirt, though, and not cosmetic upgrades for someone’s video game shooty-mans.
Mud - Yeah, but at least the kids in Sunday school don’t call me “gas master” after I wear this in Fortnite
Rogue - Lucky kids today, spared having photos of them wearing a t-shirt saying “Medic Curious” in hopes that boy who had some very formative experiences watching ER reruns would ask you out.
Mud - Should have just gone low-brow, worn the Exxon shirt, and asked if he wanted you to pump his gas. He would have been Nickelodeon slime in your hands.
Rogue - I’m pretty sure if I tracked him down, that would still work...



Mud - Elbow patches on the sweater for that “professor at the skatepark look”
Rogue - I’m confused, is that a formal hangover hoodie?
Mud - It’s anti-social rebellion wear for people whose family “summers” somewhere.

Mud - I’m completely transfixed by the jeans having the right pant leg stitched normally and the left pant leg is stitched backwards. It is killing me.
Rogue- Oh my god I can’t see anything else now. It’s like it’s been hemmed with Muppet pelt.
Mud- Did they hire Two-Face to be the designer?

Rogue - Every purchase comes with a free cassette mix-tape. The songs have all been recorded off an imperfectly tuned radio and they all start 15 seconds into the runtime. There are commercials for mattress outlets that have never existed in this timeline.
Mud - Our tragic factory accidents, your incredible savings!
Rogue - When Vivienne Westwood’s drunk tailoring gets blackout.
Mud - Her friend isn’t telling her to talk to the hand, she’s starting the intervention.



Mud - Mild Spice and Extra Mild Spice.
Rogue - Tattoos by your friend’s cousin who says they’re really good, but only charges $10 and works out of their mom’s Dodge Caravan.
Mud - I have to be honest, I owned several pairs of pants like this. They were uncomfortable, gave you an intense muffin top, and got weird wrinkles that made your crotch look like a wave pool. Also, they never fit well, so they constantly sandpapered your skin in previously unimagined ways.
Rogue - And the positives?
Mud - While wearing them, I could lie to people and tell them I was one of the excessively murdered vampire ravers in Blade.
Rogue - Not to disparage your fashion choices, but these girls look exactly like the drug dealers in every after-school special.
Mud - Totally. They've got that faux-edginess that would only scare a Mormon.
Rogue - That’s appropriate, because it also makes them look like teenaged sister wives whose new stepdaughter is their same age.



Stay tuned for Part 2

Snowy
Oct 6, 2010

A man whose blood
Is very snow-broth;
One who never feels
The wanton stings and
Motions of the sense




Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Stay tuned for Part 2

Ok I will

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Sorry for the delay in posting this, guys. Technical difficulties with some of the photos.

Episode 1, Part 2


Sorry for the size. Original disappeared and this is the best replacement version I could find.

Mud - A 10-gallon hat and a two-ounce shirt.
Rogue - The one in the back is sidling in like she's trying to start her guest verse on the track.
Mud - The totally reasonable-looking friend on the left is like, "Jennifer, you PROMISED not to wear that to my sister's christening!"
Rogue - It’s exactly as attractive as wearing a lobster bib as a shirt, but less functional.

Mud - I bet she had to wax from her boobs down to wear this for the shoot.
Rogue - I keep telling you human women can be models, they don’t just shave sasquatches.
Mud- But don't you think a shaved sasquatch be a good model?
Rogue - I don’t see why you even need to ask. Michael Berryman has had a very successful film career.
Mud - I mean, I’ve seen the video of a sasquatch walking. You can’t teach technique like that.
Rogue - I don’t think it hurts that they’re tall and have more muscle definition than a medical textbook.
Mud - What we’re both overlooking here is that they can just catch and eat a live fish, so you don't even have to pay for craft services.
Rogue - The worst part of this conversation is that someone is going to tell us that Pierre Cardin did an entire show on Yetis in the 80s and we lack even half of his vision when it comes to using them as models.
Mud - Pierre Cardin Presents: Ancient Sasquachtronauts.



Rogue - This photo smells like weed.
Mud - She was a skaterboi and she was also a skaterboi.
Rogue - Kettlebells for shoes is one way to get a workout, I guess.

Mud - “What do girls want to look like these days? Oh, Jason Mewes, of course!”
Rogue - It looks like they dressed up in their older brother’s clothes to mock them.
Mud - “Uhhh doyyy, I'm Justin! I got my stupid girlfriend pregnant and cried on the phone!”
Rogue - “My name is Taylor and my dad bought me a new car, want to climb into my Saturn?”

Rogue - These are absolutely the sort of girls to get high and accidentally build a canoe together.
Mud - Years pass and they have season tickets to the Lakers, powerfully foul mouths, and yet despite attending for several seasons, remain confused why the kiss cam keeps zooming in on them
Rogue - Arguing obliviously with their parents that they don’t need any help shopping for rings, why are you asking?
Mud - "It's not weird for us to share a single bed, it's actually efficient for laundry and leaves us more room for our hiking equipment in our studio apartment!"
Rogue - Jay and Silent Bob Discover... Something About Themselves.




Mud - I had those. Welp, I’ll see myself out...
Rogue - You can’t go! We need your expert opinion on these. How many skateboards could you fit in these pockets?
Mud - I wouldn’t know. I wanted Tripp NYC for my fantasy of going to a middle school rave but grandma bought these because the nice boy at the store told her these were in.

Rogue - She looks like she’s about to be made Daimyo.
Mud - Nobody looks like a dime, yo in these.
Rogue - I don’t even want to respond to that.

Rogue - Did this cut of pants flatter any part of the body? It hides your legs, makes your feet look like just your toes, and makes your butt look flat.
Mud - Not just flat, so flat that Kansas wolf-whistles when you walk by.
Rogue - How dirty did these things get? And she’s wearing flats; the one outfit crying out for lift in the shoes is just rubbing straight into the dirt.
Mud - It was part of the look, along with your butt flapping in the wind.
Rogue - Was there a denim subsidy I wasn’t aware of in the 90s so every manufacturer had way too much of it?
Mud - “This Satin Evening Dress is 10% Denim by Volume in Compliance with Federal Law.”
Rogue - That’s the crazy thing, they paid me not to selvedge denim.


Mud - So c'mon, admit it--these weren't terrible. You must have something positive to say about the experience.
Rogue - Um... I guess they taught me the excruciating trade-offs young women were expected to make in the 90s? You could have pockets, as many pockets as you possibly wanted, as long as you were willing to wear overalls.
Mud - It was a different time. A time of JNCO-wave feminism.
Rogue - A time where an inflatable alien never looked out of place in any setting.
Mud - A time when chunky black loafers were the perfect accessory to your prom dress.
Rogue - A time when your child Sims never grew up.
Mud - Jesus, that's creepy!
Rogue - Yeah. I'm glad the 2000s are over.
Mud - Oh, haven't you heard? Fashion is cyclical! The 2000s are coming back. You'll be swimming around in pools of raw-edged patchwork denim before long.
Rogue - ...cool.

fin


Next time on Fashion Libel: The Year 2000! But... not like that.

Ass-penny
Jan 18, 2008



part two finishing strong imo, also very soft spot for the Empire Records joke in part one. I don't "get" fashion but late 90s fashion is just a curse.

fish and chips and dip
Feb 17, 2010


I'm one of the goons who dearly miss Fashion Swat, so I'm happy about this initiative.

The video, I will admit I had low expectations, but I liked it, you had some good jokes. However I can't help thinking it would work better if you were more talking to, and riffing off of each other rather than throwing out one-liners. I that's what they do in MST3K, but I feel more interaction between you like e.g Retsuprae would work better. Also the end of the video I felt dragged on a bit. Anyway good first effort.

The written ones were good, I liked part 2 more. I look forward to more.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


ROGUE: Wait a second. WAIT. Why do you have “Year 2000” written on the whiteboard behind you? We already did that, and I’m not going back anytime soon. And why is it written in crayon?!

MUD: Okay, first of all? Do not dictate my creative process. The crayon’ll come off if I really want it to. Second, it’s not what you think.

ROGUE: …

MUD: Um… aren’t you going to ask what today’s subject is?

ROGUE: I don’t want to know, so I will not.

MUD: Well, too bad, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you anyways. This time, it’s not fashion from the actual year 2000, it’s fashion… from the future! But also from the year 2000. Now are you intrigued?

ROGUE: Hmm… nope. Mostly annoyed.

MUD: Shut up! Look, I found a British Pathé film strip from the 1930s with their idea of what fashion would look like in the year 2000.

ROGUE: Really? Bet they missed the mark by a kilometer.

MUD: British people use the Imperial system too, numbnuts. Hence the name?

ROGUE: Fine, fine. Bet they missed the point by a hectare.

MUD: Oh, they did. They did. Here, let me show you…


Fashion Libel Episode 2: Fashion of the Year 2000 (Pathétone)
All images taken from here. Video is SAFE FOR WORK, you slacker.

ROGUE: “Pathétone" is probably how I’m gonna feel about most of these “lewks.”

MUD: When I think 2000s fashion, I think “denim everything,” but I’m keeping an open mind!





MUD: This is what the executive assistant for Steampunk BTS wears.

ROGUE: I love the chandeliers on her shoulders! They’re like rank insignia for Liberace’s army.

MUD: She does look halfway into battle gear! Those shoulder fins must help cool her arm servos.

ROGUE: They’re fancy tissues for weeping dramatically upon a flying couch.

MUD: You could also use them as leg warmers! Or improvised bandages during an Opera Emergency.

ROGUE: Did the robot from Metropolis even wear leg warmers?

MUD: I’m sure. I mean, otherwise, how would you know she was a robot? Anyways, thumbs up or thumbs down on battle-secretary and her swappable arms?

ROGUE: Thumbs down for daywear because it looks like Lois Lane. Thumbs up for nightwear because it looks like evil Lois Lane.

MUD: I do love villainous dresses. Thumbs up because Natasha Fatale would wear it.






ROGUE: "No, no, it’s fine. Electric stove-tops are sexy".

MUD: Can you give me "young Marge Simpson cleaning the kitchen"? Perfect!

ROGUE: The bra is wrapped like crappy wire jewelry you buy at a festival while rolling on either synthetic shrooms or bath salts.

MUD: This is what happens when a fortune-teller gets in a fight with an antique store.

ROGUE: What’s going on with her head? “Gentleman, we must not allow the Soviets to win the Updo Race!”

MUD: It does look like the opening scene to an all-hair version of Godzilla.

ROGUE: Imagine you’re swimming and she just rises from behind you like a shark.

MUD: I would poo poo in the drat ocean.

ROGUE: Those wires are her coiled eldritch tentacles. That’s how she gets the men!

MUD: So how do we feel about this one? For me it’s a thumbs up; women should feel like the powerful sea witches they are!

ROGUE: Thumbs down, I was not pulled underwater and thrashed until I stopped breathing.





MUD: "I’m free! Free from the heartbreak of psoriasis!"

ROGUE: Beat herpes, got a fresh tampon, about to start attending night school. She is liberated.

MUD: Is the electric belt a self-defense device, like a sexy tesla coil?

ROGUE: A man tries putting his hand on your lower back as he passes, POW!

MUD: Cool! It’s like a chastity belt for all the other people around you!

ROGUE: Is this dress racist against ancient Greeks?

MUD: She does kinda look like a background extra in a Hercules movie, yeah.

ROGUE: gently caress, I’m not doing any drat twelve labors in that getup. I hate this. Just looking at Herculina’s bottle-opener shoes makes my feet tired. Thumbs down!

MUD: Thumbs up. I love this outfit because it empowers women. Literally!




MUD: This outfit basically begs to be worn while running away from a gothic mansion.

ROGUE: Yeah, isn’t this what the sacrificial wives wore in Manos?

MUD: The kind of dress you wear to escape a monster made out of your exes stitched together.

ROGUE: This is a dress Quasimodo puts on you while you’re passed out.

MUD: Couture to be carried by the Creature from the Black Lagoon in.

ROGUE: A dress that conveniently falls apart during your romantic roleplay with a werewolf.

MUD: And I give it a thumbs up, because I now have the perfect gift for all the women who get lost in my foggy moors and lowland estates!

ROGUE: Thumbs up for me, too. If you wear this dress, you instantly become a bullfighter for Frankensteins.

MUD: Swish!





ROGUE: One word: Plastics.

MUD: “Okay, and for the bridesmaids to not upstage the bride, you’ll all be wearing garbage bags.”

ROGUE: Does it have a train, or did they just not clean up the set?

MUD: It doubles as a quarantine tent for your wedding procession, which is very 21st century.

ROGUE: Not joking, this dress is a great example of the logical fallacy, "thing which is hard to get now will be valuable in the future." That’s why I made my own wedding dress from first-generation Pokémon cards.

MUD: I do like her laurel crown. She looks like a mad emperor getting married in a Hefty bag.

ROGUE: This is a great way to recycle the packaging that comes with your flat-pack furniture.

MUD: “Caution: This dress is NOT a toy! Keep out of reach of children and pets!”

ROGUE: Some hippie in Seattle must be getting carbon credits for hauling away outdated wedding dresses.

MUD: I’m gonna cosplay as the bag from American Beauty for my wedding, too!

ROGUE: Eh, for me it’s a thumbs down. She chokes seabirds. And I’d rather trade her in for the nickel.

MUD: Thumbs up, if you can get Roy Orbison to wear it for my latest slash fiction.






MUD: Powerful! The cape coat says, "Look at me," and the headlamp says "Haha now you’re blind ;)".

ROGUE: Apparently, the women of 2000 weren’t expected to ever have to walk anywhere.

MUD: The maid is wrapping this woman in copper bands to stop slugs and ants from climbing her.

ROGUE: You just know that thing on her head is radium-powered. She’ll have forehead tumors like tennis balls.

MUD: Also, why is the maid’s uniform not any different at all? I would have liked to see the Maid of the Year 2000!

ROGUE: That’s Rosie from The Jetsons. And she would have slayed this. But I do appreciate that you can let out the length of the dress for absolutely no reason. Like hey, if you want to make this even more irritating, have at it!

MUD: This woman probably died a proud grandmother in Idaho somewhere, but all that remains is a picture of her wearing copper siding and using a lightbulb as a hat.

ROGUE: This one’s a thumbs up. I want to see more wearable bulbs, for an outfit that whispers “anglerfish.”

MUD: Thumbs up. It’s a tanning lamp… on the go!

ROGUE: Ha-ha, if only they’d known we wouldn’t need any help with sun exposure in the future…






MUD: Relieved to see that male-identified people haven’t escaped unscathed.

ROGUE: “Stop shoving quarters in my pockets and trying to place calls, please.”

MUD: "Hello, Honey? I’ve made a terrible decision".

ROGUE: He has "henchman number 46" written all over him. Gets his rear end kicked twice because they reused the footage and hoped you won’t notice.

MUD: Yeah, this guy helps carry the death ray into the lair like a pallbearer and then exits awkwardly.

ROGUE: His nefarious assignment is dropping mystery pills in parking lots.

MUD: From now on I will always imagine this man when I read "missed opportunities" personal ads. "I was the one with a corded phone on my chest".

ROGUE: "You caught my eye and smiled. Then you realized it wasn’t a costume and you stopped smiling. Would love to see that smile again!" How do you feel about this outfit, Mud?

MUD: Thumbs up. Putting a phone on a man finally makes them useful! Yourself?

ROGUE: Thumbs up, because the designer nailed that the standards women would hold men to in the 2000s would be "none,” and I’m startled by its prescience.



ROGUE: I have to say, as crackers as all that was, I’d still rather wear any one of these outfits than those half-inside-out raw-edged denim wading pools we looked at last time.

MUD: Even the ones with potentially fatal side effects?

ROGUE: I mean, people say they’d die for fashion all the time, don’t they? Maybe we should start holding them accountable for that.

MUD: Misanthropy never goes out of style, huh?

ROGUE: Nope. Timeless. Classic. Like a Chanel suit, or any number of designs by John Galliano.

MUD: Are you deliberately naming problematic designers?

ROGUE: Duh. So what’s next on your Docket of Sartorial Un-Excellence?

MUD: Another Pathé-tic feature, this time about parasols.

ROGUE: Aside from the opportunity to make “throwing shade” jokes until one of us punches the other, what the hell could be funny about parasols?

MUD: Well, let’s just say we’ll have the chance to make a lot of butthole jokes.

ROGUE: Uh, cool? Sounds… great?

fin

Fleta Mcgurn fucked around with this message at 19:44 on Aug 16, 2021

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


fish and chips and dip posted:

I'm one of the goons who dearly miss Fashion Swat, so I'm happy about this initiative.

The video, I will admit I had low expectations, but I liked it, you had some good jokes. However I can't help thinking it would work better if you were more talking to, and riffing off of each other rather than throwing out one-liners. I that's what they do in MST3K, but I feel more interaction between you like e.g Retsuprae would work better. Also the end of the video I felt dragged on a bit. Anyway good first effort.

The written ones were good, I liked part 2 more. I look forward to more.

Thanks for the feedback! Agreed 100% on the not-talking-directly-to-each-other thing. We really struggled with the timing, which is also why some of the delivery comes out so fast. I think my crappy sound quality also contributed to that decision; it was easier to clean up that way? If I remember correctly? But I'm in the process of upgrading my tech for another incredible project we're working on so hopefully we'll be able to produce a cleaner final product if we choose to do another video session.


rear end-penny posted:

part two finishing strong imo, also very soft spot for the Empire Records joke in part one. I don't "get" fashion but late 90s fashion is just a curse.

Not all of the stuff made the final cut, but I will say that I shamefacedly admitted to owning several of the Delia's pieces we riffed. (Or having coveted, long ago when the world was new and low-rise jeans didn't give me anxiety sweats)

Fleta Mcgurn fucked around with this message at 10:39 on Aug 16, 2021

staberind
Feb 20, 2008

Klomping endlessly thru the gray void...




Fun Shoe


The emper of space is at the airlock, he's asking if you got the latest nat geo.

BoldFrankensteinMir
Jul 28, 2006




This one's my favorite. Turns out I've been using my Playstation Move completely wrong.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

What is Dungeons and Dragons?


Look do you want my nudes or not?!

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Who What Now posted:

Look do you want my nudes or not?!

It depends, sweetheart. How do you look in a pastel wig? You got them vaccine records? I don't wanna have to replace the goddamn hot tub filters again.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

What is Dungeons and Dragons?


Depends on the quality of the wig and yes, respectively. Don't even think about putting some cheap Spirit Halloween garbage on me.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Who What Now posted:

Depends on the quality of the wig and yes, respectively. Don't even think about putting some cheap Spirit Halloween garbage on me.

Nah, nah, sweetheart. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it. This is reeeeal classy-like, I swear. I'll buy you a... poo poo, what do the broads like nowadays? A, uh, a Ann Taylor Loft. Yeah. I'll buy you something cute from there. That's couture, right?

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


BoldFrankensteinMir posted:

This one's my favorite. Turns out I've been using my Playstation Move completely wrong.

The first draft of the "dinglehopper" scene in The Little Mermaid was pretty jank.

hell astro course
Dec 10, 2009

pizza sucks



sorry can someone explain this to me i don't understand

BoldFrankensteinMir
Jul 28, 2006



hell astro course posted:

sorry can someone explain this to me i don't understand

We're testing out a bunch of different formats for a new series in the vein of the SA classic Fashion SWAT; we call our update Fashion Libel.

First we did a video, of us riffing a fashion video on a new layer of audio track.

Then we did a written article with us riffing still images from a fashion catalogue.

This last one and the next one are written articles of us riffing stills from fashion videos.

So far the consensus seems to be that performing the jokes in a video format is unnecessary, which is fine because it took a lot longer to make that one than the others. It makes sense that the classic format was just still images and chatlogs, it's certainly the easiest of all the methods we tried.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


hell astro course posted:

sorry can someone explain this to me i don't understand

What's there to understand? Panties hit the floor, you hit the tub, I hit "record," BAZOOM we got us a fashion video. Broads these days.

pop fly to McGillicutty
Feb 2, 2004
Im gonna put cupcakes on your mind


Fleta Mcgurn posted:



WHAT IS FASHION LIBEL?
About a year ago, a bunch of goons decided they missed the old Fashion SWAT articles and decided to do something about it.

Enter Fashion Libel.

So far, we've completed about five "traditional" Fashion SWAT-type articles, with static photos and riffing underneath. But we took it a little farther, and actually riffed a pretentious Dior collection video. This video is fully voiced by only the most fashionable of goons (a few of whom know nothing about fashion).

We only have the one video, but we're starting with it because, well, we made the drat thing. Expect further updates in the article format throughout the week.
Upcoming themes:
Y2K fashion
1920s parasols
Haute couture
FASHION IN THE FUTURE
and more...

CREDITS:

Performed by Fleta McGurn, PHIZ KHALIFA, and BoldFrankensteinMir.
Written by Fleta McGurn, PHIZ KHALIFA, BFM, Barudak
Additional content by teen witch
The sound stuff was done by PHIZ KHALIFA
Logo and art by BFM
The video is owned by Christian Dior, I guess
We are not making any money off this, anyways. Or you can see the credits for the original video if you click the link.

:nws:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRcf997bOvg

tl;dr: MST3K, but make it fashion.

That's real pretty

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


MUD: Hey, Rogue! Have you ever wondered how elegant ladies of the past kept their complexions “always-get-a-cab white”?
ROGUE: No, because the answer’s pretty obvious: classist idiocy.
MUD: Yeah, but… uh…. well, yeah.
ROGUE: Nice attempt at a lead-in. So what is it this time?
MUD: It’s another classic Pathé filmstrip from the late ‘20s, called “Sunshade Styles for Daughters.” It’s aimed at red-blooded American dads who don’t know anything about parasols, but do watch a lot of film reels.
ROGUE: My father was the same way. drat this toxic masculinity and its long-standing effects on the parasol industry!
MUD: Oh, speaking of which...

Fashion Libel Episode 3: Keeping Cool in the Sun: Sunshade Styles for Daughters

ARCHIMEDE: ‘Scuse me, toots, but would you scoot that thing over? I gotta unzip and take a load off; my inseam is about to make me a fuckin’ eunuch.
ROGUE: AAAAAHHHH!
MUD: Hey, Archimede. Have a nice flight?
ROGUE: What is this rear end in a top hat doing here?
ARCHIMEDE: Whoa! I just unbuttoned ‘em, I didn’t pull ‘em all the way down.
MUD: I asked Mr. Archimede to help us out on a consultant basis. I mean, he is a filmmaker--
ARCHIMEDE: One of the best, thank you very much.
MUD: --and I thought he could, you know, provide an expert opinion.
ROGUE: Ugh. Yeah, I love hearing this guy’s opinions.
ARCHIMEDE: Of course you do, kid, I’m a loving arr-teeste. Not that you would know.
MUD: Okay, okay, calm down, you two. There’s plenty of room for both of your terrible opinions.



ROGUE: The sequel, “Sunshade Styles for Men,” was merely a single frame that says "Do Whatever You Want, You're A Man."
ARCHIMEDE: That’s how I live my life. Bazoom!
MUD: I’ve been dreaming about getting a parasol, so this is actually gonna be helpful.
ROGUE: Wait, you’ve been going outside?
MUD: Well, no… that’s why it's a dream parasol.



ROGUE: White fur on an umbrella must get dirty, like, instantly, right?
MUD: It is a black and white movie; it could be basically any light color. But since this was made in the 20s, it's probably a nice stain-resistant puce.
ROGUE: Okay, but what is it even made of? Muppet pelt?
MUD: 800 lemmings per bolt of fabric, processed as inhumanely as possible by herding them off a cliff into one of those couch-eating machines.



ROGUE: You know, usually you try to match the outfit with the accessory being shown, but they clearly struggled here. But I guess if “hausfrau trenchcoat gumshoe” was the most appealing combination...
ARCHIMEDE: Eh, it probably looked fine by whale-oil light they used back then.
ROGUE: They had electric lights in the 1920s, you spectacular rear end.
ARCHIMEDE: Oh. Well, in that case, I hope she had a nice personality.

ROGUE: I didn’t even know Edgar Allen Poe had a parasol line.
MUD: The Bleh Dahlia.
ARCHIMEDE: Putting the “suffer” in “suffragette.”
MUD: Currently Listening to: Bela Lugosi’s Alive
ROGUE: It’s not really fair to mock this. Today’s goths are standing on the shoulders of women like this one, visionary frumpwitches long passed!
MUD: So you would buy this for your troubled, morose 1920s daughter to avoid her getting moonburn as she lures lovers to her family’s mausoleum?
ROGUE: No. I don’t know what the hell this is supposed to be. It kinda looks like a cookie that would have a racist name. You?
MUD: Nah, way too cutesy for me. Like who would be caught dead with this in a crumbling mansion by the sea? Girl byyyyyyye.
ARCHIMEDE: Are we still talking about this one? Girl’s a six, dress is a two, umbrella thing’s ugly as poo poo. Next!
ROGUE: Are you seriously ranking women out of ten?
ARCHIMEDE: Ten? Ha! I’ll have you know it’s a very complicated system.
ROGUE: Listen to yourself: you’re ranking women.
ARCHIMEDE: Well, not [i[all[/i] of ‘em, jeez...



MUD: Do you think there was a Parasol Code back then, like the Hankie Code? Like a man would see a woman with an anus-shaped one and know she was Down To Wax Poetic?
ARCHIMEDE: Nah, I don’t think they waxed their poetics back in those days.
ROGUE: The one on the left's ruffled in such a way that it indicates she wants to be painted floating amongst a bouquet of scattered flowers.
MUD: Would you call that Damsel-core or Ophelia-wave?
ROGUE: A ruffle around the handle indicates the bearer has survived cholera.



MUD: My aubergine parasol means I won’t let you conquer Mexico, but I will let you annex Puerto Rico.
ROGUE: Some father out there yelling at his daughter because Father Coughlin’s radio show said folded and pre-distressed parasols meant she was in a gang.
ARCHIMEDE: That must have been really hard since sound wasn’t invented yet.
ROGUE: Is that your professional opinion?
ARCHIMEDE: Don’t blame me, it's science.
ROGUE: Um, it’s history. It is literally history.



ROGUE: What rays is this thing even supposed to filter out?
MUD: The fur says “I want it, boys” and the gaps in the parasol say “and I don’t care about skin cancer!”
ARCHIMEDE: The parasol equivalent of crotchless panties. I like it! Very art.
ROGUE: An outfit that says “I know an apothecary who will prescribe me prophylactics outside of wedded bliss.”
MUD: An old woman riding in a horse drawn carriage gets neck pain from shaking her head at her as she sloooooowly passes by.
ROGUE: A man catcalls her with the dulcet tones of his AWOOGA car horn.
MUD: He offers her a ride, but she passes on it.
ROGUE: Later, he sends an unsolicited dick telegram.
ARCHIMEDE: You know you gotta pay extra for those?



ROGUE: Princess Zelda Fitzgerald.
MUD: Some frog is gonna be pissed she stole his house!
ROGUE: The parasol doubles as an oar for a boat made from a walnut shell.
MUD: It’s like minimalist Pikmin cosplay
ROGUE: Ugh, imagine wrenching your back out to pull her out of the ground.
MUD: If she falls in the water, does her parasol make tea?
ROGUE: She’d never be able to get out with that bracelet cutting off the circulation to her arm.
MUD: Yes, the classic “injectable vein” look required real sacrifice to achieve.
ROGUE: And you’ve got to pair it with proto-goth subterranean eyes and lips.
MUD: “Hey boys, I’m malnourished for attention!”
ARCHIMEDE: Soup-kitchen chic. Very 90s. Also very hot right now. Fashion is a cycle, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a little insider secret.



ROGUE: Sadly, the overnight success of this particular model soon lead to the extinction of the Madagascar Inflatable Cat.
MUD: True, but it succeeded in scaring off predators in London’s more cougar-infested parks.
ROGUE: One lady took hers on holiday and accidentally crossed paths with the Hindenburg.
MUD: Excellent repellent for saucy biplane pilots.
ARCHIMEDE: This is not what I meant by “show your pussy to the camera, sweetie,” but you know what? Let’s go with it.



ROGUE: Wait, where’s the butthole?!
ARCHIMEDE: Jeezum. Another cinematic masterpiece, ruined with CGI.
MUD: Beware! Her spotted dress indicates membership with either the Cheetah or Serval tribe of Sultry Catfolk. Would you buy this?
ROGUE: Nay, my wanton jezebel of a child can skin her own inflatable cats, thank you.



ROGUE: I have to ask, was shot composition still theorized or had they proven it in a lab?
ARCHIMEDE: While this is pre-montage theory, I think they understood “point camera at person; capture.”
ROGUE: Are we even looking at the same picture?
MUD: She has a pretty nice dress on; it has an interesting left downward angle to her shoulder shawl and the ribbons in her skirt. But you’re right they’re not really capturing it or the parasol.
ARCHIMEDE: Maybe that was the point? Make the chick look more approachable so the dads watching could say “Hey, my fastidious shrew of a daughter would look more comely with a parasol!”
ROGUE: Opening a parasol and getting a bob being the 1920s equivalent of letting down your hair and taking off your glasses.
MUD: Whoa, whoa, that’s too far!
ROGUE: Don’t worry, this parasol is code for “I have no family history of hysteria.”
MUD: Excuse me, sir, you must have me confused with some harlot with a fur trimmed parasol that doesn’t protect her from the sun’s rays.
ROGUE: I’m a resounding yes on this one. Mud?
MUD: Oh, come on. That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Yes!





MUD: Was marijuana even a thing in the 1920s?
ROGUE: I do not know how to prove to you the 1920s existed and had things that exist today.
MUD: No, no! I mean, was it cool to be into marijuana? Was it the rebellious thing that every adult was sick of you slapping on your parasol, thinking you got one past them?
ROGUE: Oh of course, there was a veritable industry at the time of works on that very subject for the youth.
MUD: Like the esteemed classic Friend, Where is My Conveyance?
ARCHIMEDE: Wait, Dude Where’s My Car? was a remake?
ROGUE: Oh, yes. Lots of stoner movies are simply reboots of the classic silent stoner films of yore.
MUD: Peculiar Times at Ridgemont Boarding Academy, Pineapple 10 Month Delivery by Sea, Harold and his Manservant Kumar versus the Alabaster Castle...
ARCHIMEDE: Look, if it doesn’t have full-frontal nudity, I probably didn’t see it.
MUD: Same, honestly. I think I’m a yes on this, because it looks kind of like a tomato and I’m really hungry for spaghetti right now.
ROGUE: I’m a yes as well. I think it’s time we put the “20” back into “420.”



MUD: Well, that one was downright delightful, compared to the last few.
ROGUE: Did you get the overview of the parasol industry you needed to make the right purchasing decision?
MUD: I don’t know. I mean, it’s a big decision. Am I more of a cat person, or a butthole person?
ARCHIMEDE: I ask myself that every drat day.
MUD: What did you think of the film, Archimede?
ARCHIMEDE: Needs a car chase or somethin’. I dunno, I got bored pretty fast.
MUD: Well, which was your favorite parasol?
ARCHIMEDE: Definitely the see-through one.
ROGUE: Typical.

fin

Fleta Mcgurn fucked around with this message at 09:42 on Aug 28, 2021

BoldFrankensteinMir
Jul 28, 2006



I hope that somewhere, somehow, the real Archimede knows that a bunch of fashion dorks spent all spring and summer one year thinking he's the slimiest idiot imaginable.

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



People on the beach could see my penis that day in the ocean.

I blame myself not Ocean Psecific.

Grevlek
Jan 10, 2004

go cow go



Yaldabaoth posted:

I love how everything has to be a youtube video now.

Yeah okay Boomer miss me in the TikTok dm #swag

Elentor
Dec 14, 2004


BoldFrankensteinMir posted:

We're testing out a bunch of different formats for a new series in the vein of the SA classic Fashion SWAT; we call our update Fashion Libel.

First we did a video, of us riffing a fashion video on a new layer of audio track.

Then we did a written article with us riffing still images from a fashion catalogue.

This last one and the next one are written articles of us riffing stills from fashion videos.

So far the consensus seems to be that performing the jokes in a video format is unnecessary, which is fine because it took a lot longer to make that one than the others. It makes sense that the classic format was just still images and chatlogs, it's certainly the easiest of all the methods we tried.

I think you would benefit more from the Fashion SWAT format like in Part 2, getting single modern pieces and talking briefly about them then moving on to the next because there's no end to silly garbage going on in the fashion industry.

Waterbed Wendy
Jan 29, 2009


Elentor posted:

I think you would benefit more from the Fashion SWAT format like in Part 2, getting single modern pieces and talking briefly about them then moving on to the next because there's no end to silly garbage going on in the fashion industry.

An interesting angle could be to draw attention to the plague that is “fast fashion” and make fun of items that come out of places like shein, h+m, ModCloth, fashion nova, ASOS, etc.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Elentor posted:

I think you would benefit more from the Fashion SWAT format like in Part 2, getting single modern pieces and talking briefly about them then moving on to the next because there's no end to silly garbage going on in the fashion industry.

I'm confused--I think they're all the same format? Sorry, what did you mean specifically?

Single pieces are a no unless they're really extraordinary on their own, like a Schiaparelli shoe hat. It's not really enough fodder.


Waterbed Wendy posted:

An interesting angle could be to draw attention to the plague that is “fast fashion” and make fun of items that come out of places like shein, h+m, ModCloth, fashion nova, ASOS, etc.

Oh, just stay tuned...

BoldFrankensteinMir
Jul 28, 2006



Fashion Libel vs Justice League America, Part I


BFM: Fleta, were you a 90s kid!? Are you unreasonably impressed by the quality of cartoons in the 90's, like a weirdly high percentage of social media seems to be?

Fleta McGurn: I wouldn't be a fully realized Girl On the Internet if that didn't apply to me.

BFM: Same here! I remember the curriculum from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters far more clearly than from any real school. The 90's were great for cartoons... if they were animated cartoons. If you were a comics fan in the 1990's, though... God help you.

Fleta McGurn: I didn't read comics in the 90s unless it was Sailor Moon. And that was always in good taste, so this should be a fairly new experience for me. What do I need to know before we start?

BFM: Today we're gonna look at a very specific set of ugly 90's comics characters, the supporting cast of a key event in that tasteless, badly drawn era: the Death of Superman.

Fleta McGurn: Oh, is THAT what "Pocketful of Kyptonite" meant? Speaking of the 90s...



BFM: This image basically sums up the popular image of the death of Superman: him and a pointy man punched each other a lot.

Fleta McGurn: And he died from… pointiness?

BFM: Yes. Superman got blood on him from a pointy bad man and died. Everyone was sad.

Fleta McGurn: So you wouldn't be able to say his death was POINTless

BFM: Yes, you get this. This is the level it all works on.

Fleta McGurn: The one guy has a whole face made of teeth. He even has a teeth beard!

BFM: Doomsday, yes. Yes he has many pointy bits. That is his entire character.

Fleta McGurn: Just like Lucille 2...



BFM: Tell me Fleta, do you recognize any of these characters?

Fleta McGurn: Yeah, I got this...
She-Hulk
Shooty Mans
Black male Barbie
Blue Thumb Guy
Cyclops but really 80s?
Maddie Ziegler in that Sia video

BFM: You're... not wrong

Fleta McGurn: Why is Maddie Ziegler screaming while holding albino Tribbles? Were they in her chicken sandwich and coffee?

BFM: It's a long story, and I think those are supposed to be snowballs? See, these guys are the Justice League America, which is what was left after the Justice League OF America went corporate in the late 80's as the Justice League International.

Fleta McGurn: People's Front of Judea, Judaean People's Front, I get it.

BFM: Then that collapsed back to being the Justice League Europe and a bunch of other poo poo. My point is, globalization made the Justice League bad. It was a very dumb development, but it was something new, kinda. It was Justice League as a satirical comic. It was… okay. Sometimes.



BFM: There are ups and downs with the JLI/JLA for a while, but eventually we end up with this: Superman, and a bunch of losers.

Fleta McGurn: Mmm, glowy green jelly boobs.

Superman looks really winded, like he's pointing down the road and saying "Go on... without me... *wheeze...I'll catch up." Either that, or he's skipping while really stoned.

BFM: Yeah, he's the old man of the team. And the only one with any fashion sense. Yes, I'm saying that about a guy who wears a baby blanket and Underoos.

Fleta McGurn: Why does the Green Lantern look like Beavis?

BFM: We'll get there I promise. We have to go through these guys one by one because they're all terrible in special ways.

Fleta McGurn: I kind of want Maddie Ziegler's boots. You could wear them to an ice bar and stare at tourists contemptuously from behind your fluff cocoons.



#1- Blue Beetle

BFM: The Charlton comics leftover that Owlman is making fun of in Watchmen.

Fleta McGurn: This is how the Justice League performs proctology exams?!

BFM: Eclipso sees the darkness within you. Like, deep within.

Fleta McGurn: Who's the Friar Tuck-looking motherfucker?

BFM: Patience, we will get there. I promise. We're talking about Blue Beetle now.

Fleta McGurn: Eclipso looks like a really flamboyant Dunmer. Also, why is the guy with Donald Trump hair so surprised by what's inside the Blue Beetle's butt?

BFM: You would be too.

Fleta McGurn: "Oh, my god, there's a baby in there!"



Flet McGurn: Seriously, Justice League! You have got to hire better in-house proctologists!

BFM: Blue Beetle is the joke on a team made up almost entirely of jokes. And his costume is essentially nude + boots + goggles.

Fleta McGurn: Same, honestly.

BFM: And he spins around and is scared a lot on covers.

Fleta McGurn: He looks like a screaming extra in a Gozdilla movie. I dig his pile of bones, though. That looks like all my houses in Skyrim.



Fleta McGurn: I didn't know Warhol did a Justice League series. I have those heart sunglasses so this is actually 10/10 for me on fashion.

BFM: Blue Beetle's yellow lenses really are just big 90's ladies' sunglasses, aren't they?

Fleta McGurn: I feel like you could put Daria in his place and this would still kind of make sense.

BFM: It says so much about a man that he wears a blue spandex suit, flies around the city in a huge mechanical beetle, and can't deal with the crowd at the mall.

Fleta McGurn: I don't understand why he's a beetle.

BFM: Because he found a space alien thing that was... beetles, I think?

Fleta McGurn: And he ate them? To absorb their beetle-y powers?

BFM: Or put 'em somewhere.

Fleta McGurn: Oh, ew! That's not sanitary.

BFM: So THAT'S what Booster was looking at...



Fleta McGurn: OMG yeah, Bloodwynd is SO awk.

BFM: Blue Beetle sucks and everyone knows it including an alien who has been on Earth all of a few seconds. Doomsday smashes through his beetlemobile and nearly kills him like, instantly.

Fleta McGurn: Why is his open mouth so gummy and gooey? Is it part of his beetle powers?

BFM: Probably? I've never been able to tell what makes Blue Beetle valuable at all, he's Diet Batman.

Fleta McGurn: What's your favorite onomatopoeia? Mine is FWOOM

BFM: I gotta say I'm a KANG man myself.

So Fleta, tell me. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being dangerously laughable and 10 being something you would willingly cosplay, rate Blue Beetle's outfit

Fleta McGurn: 2/10. It's boring as poo poo and I hate yellow. Walking around all day with everything tinted yellow would turn me into a real grumpy rear end in a top hat, and not at all the hero America needs.

10/10 for beetles in general though; they're cool as gently caress.

BFM: I'm giving him a 3 because he's so bland, but I'm a sucker for classics. He's the definition of a comics leftover; it's amazing that he fits into this kitchen-sink gumbo at all.

Fleta McGurn: I hate it when I find beetles in my gumbo.



#2- Boo$ter Gold

BFM: Say hello to Booster Gold! Or I guess Boo$ter Gold, gah. Just in case you couldn't tell, he's an ostentatious prick.

Fleta McGurn: I bet Booster does a lot of things with a bang.

I like how he manages to have a popped double collar on his catsuit.

BFM: He looks like a Texan beer cozy.

Fleta McGurn: This is what Donald Trump wears in the Jacuzzi. God, this cover has the ugliest combination of colors imaginable; it's like shoving your face into a barbecue.

BFM: It's like rule 34 of the Pixar ball.

Fleta McGurn: This looks like someone tried to adapt Dragonball Z for the North American market.

I do like how he has a little eyeball on his finger. So he can give you a colonoscopy anywhere, anytime.

BFM: Oh yeah, he's up Blue Beetle's business constantly.

Fleta McGurn: No wonder Booster Gold looked so surprised; there must have been scraps of yellow and blue latex in his blue beetle butthole.



BFM: So Booster Gold is, if I recall correctly, a football player from the future who stole some poo poo from a museum and came back to play superhero.

Fleta McGurn: Oh, I thought maybe his power was finding the really valuable packs of MTG cards.

I like the orange sunfish-looking thingy!

BFM: Yeah, he has Toejam and Earl's spaceship

Fleta McGurn: What he has is Hank Hill's face for a butt. It also kind of looks like a small dog frowning at me. I guess art is subjective.

BFM: I see it.

Fleta McGurn: Who ARE the lords of the ultra realm, anyways? Do they also have sad saggy dog butts?

BFM: I tell you h'wut.



Fleta McGurn: John MacEnroe hitting rock bottom.

BFM: This is a remarkably dignified pose, for Boo$ter Gold.

Fleta McGurn: I like how the shadows on his chest don't make any sense.

BFM: "I'm just trying to read the paper in an alleyway! Goddammit, can't a man have some peace?"



BFM: Booster Gold's claim to fame is he named the pointy man who fell from the sky Doomsday. Great job, Shakespeare.

Fleta McGurn: That's his superpower? Naming stuff?

BFM: No he can fly and shoot energy blasts and poo poo. Just, not particularly well.

Fleta McGurn: Superman looks haggard as gently caress here.

BFM: Yeah he's real worn out and nobody is helping much. That's the depressing scenario of this story, Supes is a tired old man and the new generation of heroes sucks.

Fleta McGurn: I'd be interested in Zillowing that adorable farmhouse.

BFM: Booster Gold lives next door and will NOT stop dropping by uninvited.

Fleta McGurn: "Sorry to barge in; I just have WAY too many persimmons and HAD to share!"

BFM: "Hey there neighbor, just readin' the ol' newspaper."



BFM: The best part about Booster Gold is him and Blue Beetle are buddies. It's not much, but it's something. Here they are moving a crate for Black Canary, I'm guessing.

Fleta McGurn: Haha WOMEN. They never move their own crates. I mean, feminism, AM I RIGHT?

BFM: This is what counts as a cover in the era of Justice League International.

Fleta McGurn: This is the laziest poo poo I've ever seen. This is a doodle that someone did in a meeting and they didn't have anything better to stick on the cover so they went with it.

What's inside the box?

BFM: Who knows but oh ho ho it's upside down, so funny. Good jokes.

Fleta McGurn: WOW THOSE GUYS ARE SO WACKY HAHA.

AND SHE'S NO HELP BECAUSE OF HER BOOBS AND PERIODS.

BFM: I hope a pointy man doesn't fall on us! But it's okay, there's always Superman.



BFM: There really is a whole thing about Booster Gold and Blue Beetle being buds.

Fleta McGurn: The weirdest porn ever is about to start.

BFM: They even have a celebrity couple name, Blue&Gold

Fleta McGurn: I love in comics when random words are bold so it sounds like screaming in your mind when you read it.

BFM: Me too! Also, once you read Booster Gold's word balloons in your head as Homestar Runner, you can never go back.

Fleta McGurn: OH MY GOD I hate you. Also, thank you.

BFM: Okay, Fleta! 1 to 10, how do you rate Booster Gold's outfit?

Fleta McGurn: -100000 this is the ugliest poo poo I have ever seen in my life. It means nothing. It is a blot, a stain, on the world that is art. It makes my eyes hurt. Also, blue and gold were my high school’s colors and gently caress high school so gently caress this poo poo, too.

BFM: Yeah I'm giving him a 1. His symbol really doesn't mean anything, and the popped collar on a skin tight suit is warp-speed chintzy.

Fleta McGurn: He is a pregnant chad. He is a guy named Chad who is pregnant with another guy named Chad, that's how 2002 his vibe is.

BFM: He's Duffman taken seriously. And guess what, these two are the most likeable.

Fleta McGurn: Oh, gently caress.



#3- Fire

Fleta McGurn: This makes me kind of horny. I could get into this scene. The green guy single?

BFM: Martian Manhunter is, I believe.

Fleta McGurn: Can the robot, uh, do anything? wink

BFM: I will have to look into that. But the focus here is Fire, AKA Beatriz da Costa, a South American fire-themed hero. She's the green jelly boobs lady you noted earlier.

Fleta McGurn: Hell yeah, I love this picture. Get rid of the fugly leprechaun snuggling with Maddie Ziegler and then we have ourselves a GOOD TIME.

BFM: WE'RE GETTING THERE I PROMISE

Fleta McGurn: I HATE THAT GUY GET RID OF HIM

BFM: Oh, just you wait.



BFM: Here's a better cover for Fire. She dresses like a roadie for the Wizard of Oz.

Fleta McGurn: Tell me about the sexy lady Odysseus up front there. The Flash is clearly NOT into the outfit

BFM: That is the... second, I believe, Dr. Fate? A lot of these covers have guest stars and visiting Justice League alumni, because the active team roster is so poo poo. Other titles take pity on them.

Fleta McGurn: I like how there's one guy just lying on the ground napping.

BFM: Oh Blue Beetle, you card.

Fleta McGurn: Oh, because when beetles flip over sometimes they can't get back up?

BFM : Hmmm, I would not be surprised if that was also true about Blue Beetle.

Fleta McGurn: Oh, Justice League EUROPE, I get the pants now. Anyways, gotta love sage-green jeans with a buttchain and matching wig.

BFM: I think it's supposed to be her real hair. Incredible poo poo like that happens in comics.

Fleta McGurn: I dunno. I watch a lot of Drag Race, and that mop is sus...



Fleta McGurn: Oh gently caress yeah, this is exactly my kind of party! Do all the guests get to take a bag of money when they leave? Rooftop, green hair, boobies, Batman, a yelling man with a briefcase... #hotgirlsummer!

BFM: I want to point out Blue Beetle's delightful beetle-print shorts, but then I feel obligated to note Booster Gold 's dangerously tiny black Speedo.

Fleta McGurn: I love how Fire is a superhero but they still stuff her into a bikini and force her to serve cocktails to the dudes. No, really, I love it. This kind of thing isn't a huge reason I never got into comics.

BFM: But she's got a double-take kinda arched eyebrow face on! It's empowering! Cuz she, uh, barely tolerates this? Maybe?

Fleta McGurn: She looks like she's about to spit out a cigarette and kick my rear end.

Don't get me wrong, it's very attractive. But I still feel like maybe Batman can serve some loving drinks.

BFM: I tried to find some, like, standard to Fire's costume but it's just not there. They change her outfit constantly.

Fleta McGurn: But none of it's fire-themed! Why can’t it least be on brand, if they feel the need to be dumb and sexist?

BFM: Oh man, you think this one's dumb and sexist…



BFM: Yeah, sure, put Fire on this one's cover.

Fleta McGurn: Wow. You remember that Hustler cover with the meat grinder? Yeah.

BFM: With a dead moleman in her batch, perfect.

Fleta McGurn: Look out for the Dianoga!

This is what happens AFTER the orgy. Cleanup is a bitch.



Fleta McGurn: See what I mean about cleanup?

hahahahaha I bet Booster Gold knows where all that goo came from...

BFM: Sometimes she's dressed like the waitstaff at a Robin Hood-themed restaurant.

Fleta McGurn: Who, Laganja Estranja there?

BFM: Yeah, that's Fire? Maybe?

Fleta McGurn: They all seem to always look so terrified for superheroes.

BFM: This is what happens when Superman sneezes. And speaking of sneezes...



BFM: Fire doesn't even have a stable name, she starts out as Green Fury. And here’s yet another costume.

Fleta McGurn: This is the most Republican soccer mom-looking superhero outfit I have ever seen.

BFM: And the best thing about Green Fury?



BFM: She blows the fire to fly out her nose.

Fleta McGurn: HAHAHA HOLY poo poo! It's a Cathy comic's final form.

You do NOT want to see what happens when she gets her period.

BFM: It's amazing to me that they take this really, really dumb Superfriends character and dress her up like color-swapped Rogue to be a token leaguer.

Fleta McGurn: She looks like she bought all that poo poo at Lululemon.

BFM: I'm gonna hold off on us rating Fire because really to understand her fashion, we have to understand her bestie, Ice. They're so much a team they don't really make sense without each other.

Fleta McGurn: Fire and Ice. Of course. I don't know what I expected.



#4- Ice

Fleta McGurn: Danish Dora the Explorer is the enemy of all Maritime Canada!

Oh, wait, those are baseball bats--these guys are clearly American, my apologies.

BFM: Ice is a magic ice princess.

Fleta McGurn: Your mom is a magic ice princess.

BFM: :iceburn:



Fleta McGurn: I mean, this is a very reasonable-looking rich eccentric Swedish entrepreneur on a ski holiday.

BFM: Yeah she's running to get me to listen to her boyfriend's live DJ stream.

Fleta McGurn: Those boots play techno music when she runs.

BFM: The part of her costume that I think does the most work is the frumpy too-large top. She's already got tights on. This makes her look double-clothed.

Fleta McGurn: It's a snowsuit. She just wants to be warm! Except for her fingers, I guess

BFM: So this character is real cute and fun, right? Great for the kids, good role model? Vague ice powers, cute haircut, wholesome fun!

Fleta McGurn: Isn't that Frozen?



Fleta McGurn: Oh, drat. That ain’t Frozen.

BFM: The 1990's in comics is famous for a phenomenon known as "fridging," which is a reference to "women in refrigerators," which was a website that pointed out how 90's comics artists sure liked to draw women getting beat up. A lot. Like, suspiciously a lot.

Fleta McGurn: Without them ever actually looking hosed up, of course

BFM: Sometimes. Ice is this team's punching bag, but she fares better than some.

Fleta McGurn: Nice, this all makes me feel really comfortable and welcome in this space.



BFM: Here's one of the main covers for the Doomsday saga. Ice's contribution is to pull her top off before passing out.

Thanks Ice. You helped sell this issue!

Fleta McGurn: When we ladies suffer injury, it pretty much turns us into Girls Gone Wild chicks. Our boobs pop out to take the brunt of the impact, like airbags in your car.



BFM: I mean yeah, that feature seems to be standard. They can't remember what Fire's clothes or face look like, but Ice's boobs come out when she's hurt, this is canon.

Fleta McGurn: Seriously! Why wouldn't she just buy another costume?

BFM: It's like she's wearing a pajama shirt over her costume. Is Ice always painting a kitchen somewhere?

Fleta McGurn: Why is she always upside down? Is her superpower being a fetching human sandbag who can reverse polarity at will?

BFM: She can throw snowballs, Fleta. I think later they drastically beefed her up because everybody knew she was KnockedOutGirl, but at this point she can literally… throw snowballs.

Fleta McGurn: Very useful for when the Justice League takes on a couple of sixth-graders. We almost done with this chick? I'm sick of looking at her snowballs.



BFM: Ice and Fire are not really full characters, they're a loosely defined duo that make it so there's multiple ladies on the team. They are as token as token gets.

Fleta McGurn: They look like the coolest girls at the mall circa 1982.

BFM: Speaking of snowballs, here they are next to Powergirl, the big boob joke in superhero comics:



BFM: I can't tell if Powergirl's costume here is unusually chaste or unusually tiny; that might be white vinyl or it might be her skin.

Fleta McGurn: I can't even deal with that until I've processed Ice's weird vest-turtleneck thingy.

That is not a leotard I would like to wear while eating, that much I can tell you.

BFM: Or like, bending at the waist past 2 degrees.

Fleta McGurn: Goddamn, Ice has a HUGE pussy. Look at that thing; it goes all the loving way around.

BFM: I thought she was Norwegian but I guess not, guess she's a…

...Laplander.



BFM : So this is this team's "heart," two doofuses and two badly defined lady-shapes.

Fleta McGurn: This is the last thing someone allergic to latex sees before they die

Why is Fire humping Cyclone Bob* or whatever that guy's name is?

*NOTE FROM FLETA: I could not, for the life of me, remember Boo$ter Gold’s name through this whole thing.

BFM: Because she's there to hang off the men like an ornament. Comic books, remember???

Fleta McGurn: He looks like Jeff Daniels. Dumber League America

BFM: Okay Fleta, let's start with Fire. 1 to 10, how do you rate the South American fire witch with the impossible giant hair?

Fleta McGurn: I mean, a solid 7.5 for her look--the green hair is incredible-- but 2 for any time I've seen her depicted as a servile domestic. Or upside-down.

BFM: I'm with you, I give her an 8. Tiny green jeans and matching green boots; that's just cute!

But I guess her clothes turn to fire too when she goes Flame-On so, not practical. I suppose that's why her outfit is always changing.

Fleta McGurn: Because she's the Mockingjay

BFM: How about Ice, the snowy track-suited princess of splaying?

Fleta McGurn: Ice is, like, fine. Whatever. if your superpower is dangling upside-down with your boobs out, more power to you, just make sure you get that check up front. She looks like any rich girl skiing so 5/10.

BFM: I agree, but I gotta go lower, like 4/10. Still better looking than the Beetle Bottom Boys, but not by a lot. She looks like she wrote a jingle for Ikea she gets to perform herself at a mall.

Fleta McGurn: She wants to swing from a chandelier and make a really offensive movie about ASD.

BFM: She's like if Bjork joined Abba.

Fleta McGurn: I would be so into that!

Cont'd in Part II

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013
Probation
Can't post for 27 days!


This is just pitiable.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Porpoise noise continues.


Big Beef City posted:

This is just pitiable.

Much like the vast majority of your posts, so you should feel right at home!

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


oh snap!

Kirk Vikernes
Apr 26, 2004

Count Goatnackh

*eagerly awaits a typical "slightly less aggro than Sleeveless"-BBC aggro post

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Deep Glove Bruno
Sep 4, 2015

Feel the glove!


honest opinion with this last one it feels like you guys are getting there, like in the right direction toward the old school SWAT articles. keep it up

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