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Cornwind Evil
Dec 14, 2004


Inside Wrestling was a wrestling magazine that started in 1968 and closed up shop in 2013. At the time I remember poking through it, it was mid to late 90's. The magazine was kayfabe, so wrestling was presented as a real combat sport with people in the ring actually not liking each other. Here's a random cover from one of the issues.



One of the things that the magazine would do, monthly, was write up 'dream matches'. I remember these mainly because 1) They were very silly, especially in retrospect, and 2) As said, they were pure kayfabe. So what were some of these dream matches, and the circumstances that they happened in in these what ifs?

1) Golddust vs Dusty Rhodes

This match happened in a world where Golddust somehow became so popular that he reached the main event and got to become WWE Champion, beating Vader for it. I forget just how the match came about, but IIRC, a background detail was that Steve Austin won a title shot, but fans so wanted to see this father and son clash that Austin had to take a match with Intercontinal Champion Ken Shamrock instead. After winning, Dustin Runnels wiped off his makeup and claimed he was done being Golddust, which 1) Happened in real life, and 2) Didn't stick, as we all well know. Speaking of inexplicable Austin events...

2) Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Roddy Piper

This takes place in a world where Stone Cold decided he hated and wanted to beat the crap out of Roddy Piper so much that...he decided to stalk him while he was out with his son...disguised as a clown.

Who said his name was Chilly. Chilly the Clown.

I think he threatened Piper's kid while in this disguise? In any case this could only be settled in a match, of course, despite Austin being, you know, arrested for the actual crimes he was committing. I forget who won the match (Piper, most likely), but just to sell how badly Austin wanted to beat up Piper, he came out solely in his trunks and boots (no vest) with no music, just to sell HOW ABSOLUTELY DEADLY SERIOUS HE WAS.

3) Scott Hall and Kevin Nash vs Fake Razor Ramon and Fake Diesel

This happened in a world where Hall and Nash got SO PISSED OFF about their 'clones' 'mocking them' that they managed to arrange a cross promotion challenge so they could beat them up, where the winner got to take six wrestlers from the loser's promotion, because remember, this magazine was pure kayfabe and hence the contests were not only real combat but also not pre-determined in advance. The originals won, and hence WCW got to take Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, Brian Pillman, and two others (so, this was probably an early 1997 issue), with the magazine saying that the WWF was now in deep trouble and WCW was likely to rule the wrestling world for decades to come.

I'll post some more when I fully recall them.

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Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008




jane. you're playin a game

Cornwind Evil
Dec 14, 2004


More 'dream matches'.

4) Kevin Nash and Scott Hall vs Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage.

This was in WCW of course, and is likely the only match that ever had a chance of happening. Basically, it was a proto concept for what would happen in real life with the Wolfpac. The NWO EXPLODES, and ironically this leads to the reformation of the Mega Powers. The main thing I remember about this match is it happened in a steel cage, and that the refs checked out the ring first and found Miss Elizabeth hiding under it with weapons to aid the Mega Powers Redux, which considering how passive the Elizabeth character tended to be, is just plain hilariously wrong. Also, Nash won the match by legdropping Hogan. No, he did not tear his quad doing so.

Oh wait, did I say "only dream match that had a chance of happening?"

5) Shawn Michaels vs Triple HHH

This was written in late 1998, when it seemed like Shawn was permanently retired and HHH was still upper midcard. Shawn sees Hunter challenging for the world title, contently thinks Austin will grind him into paste, only to be surprised as Triple H explodes out of the gate, wrestling like a lunatic and upsetting Austin (remember, kayfabe magazine, wrestling is real combat). This is followed by the most impossible never to happen thing ever.

Vince decides it's time to sell the WWE, because it's never been hotter. Playing on kayfabe and HHH's old 'Greenwich Snob' gimmick suggesting that in real life he has access to a lot of money and connections and wanted to buy the company. Shawn decides this is a no go and gathers up all HIS connections to make his own offer. This of course can only be decided in a match. Shawn wins, despite his terrible back injuries, but it was mentioned before that he had to sign the documents the next day. He's too badly hurt, so he shows up the day after, only to find that since he didn't show up that day, Eric Bischoff swooped in and bought the WWE. Shawn kicks him and walks off.

6) WWE vs WCW vs ECW

They did this more than once, actually. But the lesser one was "somehow it gets arranged that five of each of the promotion's best wrestlers fight in a fifteen man three corner match'. In this case, the wrestlers are SO EVENLY matched (once again, real fighting, no booking, no pre-deciding wins and plotting out matches) that they're still fighting after an hour and the fans are getting bored. So Vince, Eric, and Paul Heyman ring the bell and say they are calling the match off and that instead THEY are going to have a three way match instead. This is of course, loved because in these worlds everything is insane. Anyway, since Paul was the impetus to create this three promotion match and in the story Vince and Eric really disliked what he provoked them into doing, they first gang up on him and beat him to a pulp and pin him before fighting each other. Vince gets the advantage and beats Eric from pillar to post and back again, constantly breaking his own pins so he can beat up Eric some more, but it costs him as Eric gets one last surge and kicks McMahon's head off (not literally) before pinning him for the win. It's said everyone got what they wanted: Eric got the official win, Vince got to show his sheer dominance and make it clear he beat himself, and Paul got to point and say that it took two of them to beat him.

Probably still a better show than Invasion.

I can only remember one more of these 'dream matches', but oh, it's a doozy.

beggar
Mar 6, 2008

Smoking Makes You Impotent





Kids used to trade magazines with each other on the bus and this one was pretty popular. I remember it had some photoshopped images of Goldberg/Austin doing moves to someone that they tweaked to look vaguely like the other

Endless Mike
Aug 13, 2003





I want to know more about HHH vs. Shawn

beggar
Mar 6, 2008

Smoking Makes You Impotent



Endless Mike posted:

I want to know more about HHH vs. Shawn

I don't want to talk about it.

Tato
Jun 19, 2001

DIRECTIVE 236: Promote pro-social values


as a kid I knew wrestling was fake but still was dumb enough to think that Inside Wrestling and all the Apter mags really got the wrestlers together or on phones for interviews, where they remained in character. I mean, they couldn't just make up a 4 page Rick/Scott Steiner interview right?

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Cavauro
Jan 9, 2008




here's a dream match. the pamela paulshock picture from wow magazine and my wall. and every other full page photo of every single wrestler in the entire magazine even if it was henry o godwinn. sometimes you had to choose which side

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