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Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are lying on the BED in your BEDROOM.

You are wearing a T-SHIRT and a pair of SHORTS.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die.

You are AFRAID OF PAIN.

>

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020


> go online and pretend to be cat

Saalkin
Jun 29, 2008




> search room for cigarettes

pnumoman
Sep 26, 2008

I always get the last word


> tentatively lick the weird stain on your bed

Doctor J Off
Dec 28, 2005

There Is


> Look around room for items that can be taken

> Check inventory

DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.






>insert sounding rod

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019



> Look under the mattress

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

> go online and pretend to be cat

You log into your laptop and create VIDEOS of cat-face filters over your face, then POST them to your social media accounts.

After one hour, the videos still have 0 views each.

You hope that the videos will eventually attract other mentally unsound people to stalk you and eventually murder you, but that's a long term strategy at best.


Saalkin posted:

> search room for cigarettes

You are not a smoker and do not possess any cigarettes.

You consider smoking as a means of contracting lung cancer, but again that's a very long-term strategy and you crave immediate relief.


pnumoman posted:

> tentatively lick the weird stain on your bed

You lick the stain, and it tastes of faded urine and stale sweat.

You hope that you contracted a fatal disease from licking the stain, but you do not detect any immediate changes to your physiology.


Doctor J Off posted:

> Look around room for items that can be taken

> Check inventory

In addition to the T-SHIRT and SHORTS you are currently wearing, your room contains:
> ONE BED WITH RECENTLY-LICKED WEIRD STAIN
> ONE WARDROBE
> ONE STANDING FAN
> ANOTHER T-SHIRT AND SHORTS
> ONE PAIR OF JEANS
> TWO PAIRS OF SOCKS
> ONE PAIR OF SLIPPERS
> ONE PAIR OF SNEAKERS
> ONE LAPTOP
> ONE SMARTPHONE
> ONE WALLET WITH 500 CURRENCY UNITS
> VARIOUS ODDS AND ENDS


DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

>insert sounding rod

You search through your VARIOUS ODDS AND ENDS and find a PENCIL.

You insert the PENCIL into your URETHRA and experience INTENSE PAIN.


DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

> Look under the mattress

While you are bent over in pain from the PENCIL in URETHRA, you look under the mattress and see THREE BIG DUST BUNNIES.


STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM, bent over in pain with a PENCIL in your URETHRA.

You are wearing a T-SHIRT and a pair of SHORTS.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die.

You are experiencing INTENSE PAIN.

>

Konar
Dec 14, 2006


drat 500 bucks, this guy can make his own decisions rich rear end in a top hat over here

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

GET OUT
(OF THE WALL)



> Radicalise self using internet.

> Initiate goon vote: radical idologies options:

Extremist Islam

Alt right

Q-anon

Flat earth

Veganism

Another option (write in)

gleebster
Dec 16, 2006

Only a howler

Pillbug

>Express interest in the local music scene.

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Its too embarrassing to call an ambulance, call a local veterinarian or office supply store and ask for medical advice about pencil stuck in urethra.

DeadFatDuckFat fucked around with this message at 15:13 on Aug 3, 2021

Doctor J Off
Dec 28, 2005

There Is


> Attempt to retrieve pencil from urethra. If this fails, look for tape among odds and ends to stick any exposed pencil surface to fan blades.

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020


> leave bedroom and go left

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003




> post about your fetish on your favourite forum, Generic Bear Stiffs

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

Konar posted:

drat 500 bucks, this guy can make his own decisions rich rear end in a top hat over here

“May whatsoever deities exist rebuke thee, foul 500 CURRENCY UNITS! Get thee behind me, accursed 500 CURRENCY UNITS!”

While still bent over in pain from the PENCIL in your URETHRA, you drat your 500 CURRENCY UNITS as best as you can with your limited understanding of theological imprecations, but there are no apparent effects on the 500 CURRENCY UNITS.


jazzyhattrick posted:

> Radicalise self using internet.

As the pain from the PENCIL in your URETHRA slowly increases in magnitude, you log into the Internet on your laptop and search for “radical things”.

You spend five minutes reading the first result (https://www.apartamentomagazine.com/stories/radical-things/) and gain insight into the quiet theory-led group known simply as Mono-ha, thought to centre around Nobuo Sekine, Katsuro Yoshida, Susumu Koshimizu, Koji Enokura, Noboru Takayama, Katsuhiko Narita, Lee Ufan, Noriyuki Haraguchi, and Kishio Suga, which was not the only group in Japan but did constitute one of the most unique and widely represented movements.

The pain from the PENCIL in your URETHRA clouds your mind and you need to take a break from further reading into self-radicalization.


jazzyhattrick posted:


> Initiate goon vote: radical idologies options:

Extremist Islam

Alt right

Q-anon

Flat earth

Veganism

Another option (write in)

You do not possess a copy of the 2011 Canadian sports comedy film directed by Michael Dowse, written by Jay Baruchel and Evan Goldberg, and starring Seann William Scott, nor are you acquainted with any of the individuals involved in or related to the production of that film. As such, your attempt to initiate a Goon vote fizzles ineffectually.

You are starting to lose feeling in your URETHRA even though the PENCIL remains lodged therein.


gleebster posted:

>Express interest in the local music scene.

The musicians in your area have either died due to COVID-19 exposure during their live performances, lost their voices due to long-term effects of COVID-19, or lost their jobs due to the closure of entertainment venues during the COVID-19 pandemic.


DeadFatDuckFat posted:

Its too embarrassing to call an ambulance, call a local veterinarian or office supply store and ask for medical advice about pencil stuck in urethra.

You call up Dickinson’s Dog Doctors on your phone’s speed-dial, but your call is cut-off immediately before it even hits the dial-tone. They must have blocked your number after you called them one too many times to ask them to sell you some pentobarbital so that you can euthanize yourself.

You then try to search online for a nearby office supply store, and call the number for Parkinson’s Pencil Pushers. The person who answers your call laughs at you and tells you, “Lol Lmao pencil in your dick lol just pull it out lol, what are you, an idiot?”


Doctor J Off posted:

> Attempt to retrieve pencil from urethra. If this fails, look for tape among odds and ends to stick any exposed pencil surface to fan blades.

You follow Parkinson’s Pencil Pushers’ astute medical advice and pull the PENCIL back out of your URETHRA. The pain diminishes in intensity immediately though it does not vanish entirely. You are now able to stand up straight.


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

> leave bedroom and go left

There are two EXITS from your BEDROOM, one going to the WASHROOM and the other going OUTSIDE.


Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

> post about your fetish on your favourite forum, Generic Bear Stiffs

You do not possess any object believed to have supernatural powers, or in particular, a human-made object that has power over others or to which you attribute inherent value or powers. If you did possess a fetish, perhaps you could use it to cast a death curse on yourself so that you may finally taste the sweet relief of oblivion.


STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM.

You are wearing a T-SHIRT and a pair of SHORTS. You are holding a PENCIL which was recently in your URETHRA.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die.

You are experiencing INTENSE ALBEIT DIMINISHING PAIN.

>

The Walrus
Jul 9, 2002




tape around the edge of your doors and windows and turn the fan on, then move to korea, then go to bed

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


>remove tie from ceiling fan

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004


here he comes
and he's gone again


Nap Ghost

put your shorts on your head and tie a sexy knot in your t-shirt

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Call back the guy from Parkinsons Pencil Pushers and ask if they are interested in buying one slightly used pencil

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

The Walrus posted:

tape around the edge of your doors and windows and turn the fan on

You search through your VARIOUS ODDS AND ENDS and find ONE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE.

Using the ONE ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, you seal the edges of the TWO DOORS and ONE WINDOW leading out of your BEDROOM, and turn on your ONE STANDING FAN.

Based on the size of your BEDROOM, you estimate that you will die of hypoxia and/or hypercapnia within 6 to 12 days depending on your level of physical exertion during this period, although dehydration should take you out before then.

The pain in your URETHRA continues to diminish, although the level of numbness has increased.


The Walrus posted:

then move to korea,

You are currently not in Korea.

You are sealed into your BEDROOM by DUCT TAPE and are unable to move to Korea.


The Walrus posted:

then go to bed

You lie back down on your BED.

This change in posture brings some relief to your URETHRA.


kntfkr posted:

>remove tie from ceiling fan

You do not possess a tie or a ceiling fan.


Mozi posted:

put your shorts on your head and tie a sexy knot in your t-shirt

You stand up again and take out ONE T-SHIRT and ONE PAIR OF SHORTS from your WARDROBE.

You put the ONE PAIR OF SHORTS on your head and tie a knot in your ONE T-SHIRT. Despite your best efforts at knot-tying, you lack the skills to make the knot look anything approaching “sexy” even by the broadest definition of the word.


DeadFatDuckFat posted:

Call back the guy from Parkinsons Pencil Pushers and ask if they are interested in buying one slightly used pencil

You make another call to Parkinsons Pencil Pushers and ask the person on the other end of the line whether they are interested in buying one slightly used PENCIL.

“Lol lmao do you think we are a thrift shop or what? Tell you what, if you wore the pencil as panties or shoved it up your dick or something and you can give us a video showing you did so, I’ll personally buy it off you for the novelty value lol.”



STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM. The exits out of your BEDROOM are sealed with DUCT TAPE.

You are wearing ONE PAIR OF SHORTS on your head, ONE T-SHIRT on your torso, and ONE PAIR OF SHORTS around your groin. You are holding a PENCIL which was recently in your URETHRA in one hand, and ONE T-SHIRT KNOTTED IN A NON-SEXY WAY in the other hand.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die. You estimate that you will die of hypoxia and/or hypercapnia within 6 to 12 days, and die of dehydration before that.

You are experiencing NUMBNESS in your URETHRA.

You are currently on the PHONE with an employee of Peterson's Pencil Pushers.

Catpetter1981 fucked around with this message at 04:13 on Aug 4, 2021

chaosbreather
Dec 9, 2001

Wry and wise,
but also very sexual.



> sing song of madness to employee

Linux Pirate
Apr 21, 2012

Well, there goes our grant money.





> soil shorts

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

chaosbreather posted:

> sing song of madness to employee

You sing Meat Loaf’s iconic “Song of Madness” (from their 2010 album “Hang Cool Teddy Bear”) to the Peterson’s Pencil Pushers employee over the phone.

I dreamed there was a magic song I played for the queen 'neath the golden throne
My heart flowed through my broken voice to her
The queen did smile and she did cry my fingers bled a thousand lives
A red-teared river flowed our lives between us
Her majesties tears and the pauper's blood an angels breath and the devil's touch
The song of madness madly crying to her

You're a wolf in a lamb's disguise
a cold lover with a warm invite
morning gonna carry us to our grave
Dream a dream in agony
sweetest dream you'll ever see
make my dream reality oh carry me
carry me to my grave

She placed the blade within the king's throne and in mine did I place my own
with the lamb's blood we purchased our sin's pardon
The sky ripped open and the shadows bled the moon blew out and the stars burned red
the song of madness madly crying to her

On a night such as this
an angel's lips and the devil's kiss
morning gonna carry me to my grave
Dream a dream in agony
the sweetest dream you'll ever see
make my dream reality
carry me
carry me to my grave
oh carry me
carry me to my grave

The song of madness madly crying to her
The song of madness shot like lightning through us
The song of madness madly crying to her
Madness
Madness
Madness

My god my queen just lie to me
make me believe that I am king
and by morning

You're a wolf in a lamb's disguise
a cold lover with a warm invite
morning gonna carry us to our grave
Dream a dream in agony
sweetest dream you'll ever see
make my dream reality and carry me
oh carry me
carry me to my grave
carry me to my grave
carry me
carry me to my grave



The employee says “Lol lmao are you trying to drive me mad? Nice try, but you know those posters that go You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps? Lol you gotta actually be mad to work at Peterson’s Pencil Pushers, so your little ditty don’t do nothing to me lmao. My offer to buy pencil panties or pencil stuck in your dick with video evidence still stands lol. Toodles!”


Linux Pirate posted:

> soil shorts

You strain and strain, but no excrement comes out. You remember that you haven’t eaten in two days and your bowels are probably empty.

The straining causes the pain to reignite in your URETHRA.


STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM. The exits out of your BEDROOM are sealed with DUCT TAPE.

You are wearing ONE PAIR OF SHORTS on your head, ONE T-SHIRT on your torso, and ONE PAIR OF SHORTS around your groin. You are holding a PENCIL which was recently in your URETHRA in one hand, and ONE T-SHIRT KNOTTED IN A NON-SEXY WAY in the other hand.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die. You estimate that you will die of hypoxia and/or hypercapnia within 6 to 12 days, and die of dehydration before that. The oxygen percentage has decreased and the carbon dioxide percentage in your BEDROOM has increased just a little bit more.

You are HUNGRY and WEAKENED by your hunger.

You are experiencing both PAIN and NUMBNESS in your URETHRA.

BIG TIT LIL NIP
Oct 5, 2005






> insert BEES into MICROWAVE

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020


all of this loafing round is dumb and pointless

> put down pencil, unfuck your door and go to the washroom. brush your teeth you schlob.

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


drat that retail employee is hardcore

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

BIG TIT LIL NIP posted:

> insert BEES into MICROWAVE

You do not possess any bees. You have considered getting bees to sting you to death, but it would require more than one thousand stings, involve a lot of pain, and require a resource (bees) you do not have access to in your surroundings.

You are surrounded by electromagnetic radiation with wavelengths ranging from about one meter to one millimeter corresponding to frequencies between 300 MHz and 300 GHz respectively. However, you do not possess any means of seeing or manipulating them in any visible way.


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

all of this loafing round is dumb and pointless

You do not consider yourself to be “loafing round” in either the literal meaning of being a loaf of bread (as you are a human being), or the figurative meaning of doing nothing (as you are currently engaged in many intellectual and physical activities with the ultimate intent of causing your own death).

You are able to generate sounds out of your vocal chords and your PENCIL has a pointy end, so you are also neither dumb nor pointless.


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

> put down pencil

You put down your PENCIL, which was recently in your URETHRA, which continues to give you sensations of both PAIN and NUMBNESS.


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

unfuck your door

You are unable to unfuck your door as you have not yet hosed your door.

You are unable to gently caress your door as the PAIN in your URETHRA currently prevents you from developing or sustaining an erection.


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

and go to the washroom. brush your teeth you schlob.

You are unable to enter the WASHROOM as the DOOR to the WASHROOM is sealed by DUCT TAPE.


DeadFatDuckFat posted:

drat that retail employee is hardcore

“loving skull-hosed woe unto you, employee of Peterson’s Pencil Pushers, bloody hypocrites! For ye loving devour widows' loving houses, and for a loving pretence make loving long prayer: therefore ye shall loving receive the greater damnation.”

You drat the employee of Peterson’s Pencil Pushers in the most hardcore manner you can muster. But as you are no longer speaking to him on the phone, you do not receive a response to your damnation.


STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM. The exits out of your BEDROOM are sealed with DUCT TAPE.

You are wearing ONE PAIR OF SHORTS on your head, ONE T-SHIRT on your torso, and ONE PAIR OF SHORTS around your groin. You are holding ONE T-SHIRT KNOTTED IN A NON-SEXY WAY.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die. You estimate that you will die of hypoxia and/or hypercapnia within 6 to 12 days, and die of dehydration before that. The oxygen percentage has decreased and the carbon dioxide percentage in your BEDROOM has increased just a little bit more.

You are HUNGRY and WEAKENED by your hunger.

You are experiencing slowly diminishing levels of PAIN and NUMBNESS in your URETHRA.

chaosbreather
Dec 9, 2001

Wry and wise,
but also very sexual.



> remove bedsheet from bed; put bedsheet on floor; draw summoning circle with pencil on bedsheet; sit in summoning circle; chant while meditating on fractals

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

Sorry guys, I'm just a donut.



>don’t kill self

>go to therapy

>when therapy doesn’t work become stand-up comic and make light of the horror that is every moment of your existence

>make like $1000000

>THEN kill yourself

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

chaosbreather posted:

> remove bedsheet from bed;

You remove the BEDSHEET from your BED.


chaosbreather posted:

put bedsheet on floor;

You put the BEDSHEET on the FLOOR.


chaosbreather posted:

draw summoning circle with pencil on bedsheet;

Without a protractor, you are unable to draw a circle.

You draw a vaguely circular shape surrounded by various stars, crescent moons and lines on the BEDSHEET using the PENCIL that was recently in your URETHRA.


chaosbreather posted:

sit in summoning circle;

You sit down in the middle of the SUMMONING CIRCULAR SHAPE you have drawn using the PENCIL that was recently in your URETHRA.


chaosbreather posted:

chant while meditating on fractals

You start chanting in the best ominous tone you can muster:

in mathematics a fractal
is a subset of euclidean space with a fractal
dimension that strictly exceeds its topological dimension fractals
appear the same at different scales as illustrated in successive magnifications of the mandelbrot set fractals
often exhibit similar patterns at increasingly smaller scales a property called self-similarity also known as expanding symmetry or unfolding symmetry if this replication is exactly the same at every scale as in the menger sponge it is called affine self-similar fractal
geometry lies within the mathematical branch of measure theory one way that fractals
are different from finite geometric figures is how they scale doubling the edge lengths of a polygon multiplies its area by four which is two (the ratio of the new to the old side length raised to the power of two (the dimension of the space the polygon resides in likewise, if the radius of a sphere is doubled, its volume scales by eight, which is two the ratio of the new to the old radius to the power of three (the dimension that the sphere resides in however if a fractal's
one-dimensional lengths are all doubled the spatial content of the fractal
scales by a power that is not necessarily an integer this power is called the fractal
dimension of the fractal
and it usually exceeds the fractal's
topological dimension analytically most fractals
are nowhere differentiable an infinite fractal
curve can be conceived of as winding through space differently from an ordinary line although it is still topologically 1-dimensional its fractal
dimension indicates that it also resembles a surface starting in the 17th century with notions of recursion fractals
have moved through increasingly rigorous mathematical treatment to the study of continuous but not differentiable functions in the 19th century by the seminal work of bernard bolzano bernhard riemann and karl weierstrass and on to the coining of the word fractal
in the 20th century with a subsequent burgeoning of interest in fractals
and computer-based modelling in the 20th century the term fractal
was first used by mathematician benoit mandelbrot in 1975 mandelbrot based it on the latin frāctus
meaning broken or fractured
and used it to extend the concept of theoretical fractional dimensions to geometric patterns in nature there is some disagreement among mathematicians about how the concept of a fractal
should be formally defined mandelbrot himself summarized it as beautiful drat hard increasingly useful that's fractals
more formally in 1982 mandelbrot defined fractal
as follows a fractal
is by definition a set for which the hausdorff–besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension later, seeing this as too restrictive he simplified and expanded the definition to this a fractal
is a shape made of parts similar to the whole in some way still later, mandelbrot proposed to use fractal
without a pedantic definition to use fractal
dimension as a generic term applicable to all the variants the consensus among mathematicians is that theoretical fractals
are infinitely self-similar iterated and detailed mathematical constructs having fractal
dimensions of which many examples have been formulated and studied fractals
are not limited to geometric patterns, but can also describe processes in time fractal
patterns with various degrees of self-similarity have been rendered or studied in visual physical and aural media and found in nature technology art architecture and law fractals
are of particular relevance in the field of chaos theory because the graphs of most chaotic processes are fractals
many real and model networks have been found to have fractal


No beings, supernatural or otherwise, respond to your summons or appear in the SUMMONING CIRCULAR SHAPE.


Nigmaetcetera posted:

>don’t kill self

You do not understand these words.


Nigmaetcetera posted:

>go to therapy

You are unable to go to therapy as the DOORS leading out of your BEDROOM are sealed by DUCT TAPE.


Nigmaetcetera posted:

>when therapy doesn’t work become stand-up comic and make light of the horror that is every moment of your existence

You are unable to go to therapy or participate in a stand-up comedy show as the DOORS leading out of your BEDROOM are sealed by DUCT TAPE.


Nigmaetcetera posted:

>make like $1000000

You do not have access to the counterfeiting skills or specialised printer and paper you would require to manufacture 1,000,000 CURRENCY UNITS.


quote:

>THEN kill yourself

You deeply desire to kill yourself, but do not yet know of or possess an efficacious way to do so.



STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM. sitting in the middle of a SUMMONING CIRCULAR SHAPE drawn on a BEDSHEET on the FLOOR. The exits out of your BEDROOM are sealed with DUCT TAPE.

You are wearing ONE PAIR OF SHORTS on your head, ONE T-SHIRT on your torso, and ONE PAIR OF SHORTS around your groin. You are holding ONE T-SHIRT KNOTTED IN A NON-SEXY WAY.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die. You estimate that you will die of hypoxia and/or hypercapnia within 6 to 12 days, and die of dehydration before that. The oxygen percentage has decreased and the carbon dioxide percentage in your BEDROOM has increased just a little bit more.

You are HUNGRY and WEAKENED by your hunger.

You are experiencing slowly diminishing levels of PAIN and NUMBNESS in your URETHRA.

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019



Rip the duct tape off the doors and wrap them around your hands (for boxing) and your penis (for bleeding)

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008


Sometimes you gotta break the rules.


>>Hold breath

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004


here he comes
and he's gone again


Nap Ghost

>>Spin around in circles while holding breath and patting head while rubbing tummy with other hand and chewing gum and humming the Star Spangled Banner

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Order pizza delivery (anchovies) and pay for it via barter

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020


> have a good cry, get those tears flowing and that stress relief

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004




Slippery Tilde

>Call drug dealer, buy PCP

blight rhino
Feb 11, 2014

EXQUISITE LURKER



>Tie jeans around waist, in case it gets cold.

>Slowly gnaw through the duct tape to open the door

Gnawing through the door should produce saliva, that will help with dehydration

uh. i think. i'm not a doctor of science

blight rhino fucked around with this message at 23:08 on Aug 5, 2021

Catpetter1981
Apr 9, 2020
I CAN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT D&D

Ventral EggSac posted:

Rip the duct tape off the doors and wrap them around your hands (for boxing) and your penis (for bleeding)

You rip the DUCT TAPE off the DOORS.

You wrap DUCT TAPE around your HANDS and your PENIS.

The DUCT TAPE around your PENIS does not lessen the level of PAIN and NUMBNESS in your URETHRA, nor does it increase the level of PAIN and NUMBNESS.

Your PENIS was not bleeding.


reignofevil posted:

>>Hold breath

You are able to hold your breath for around two minutes before the increased carbon dioxide content in your bloodstream triggers your involuntary breathing mechanisms and you draw in a fresh breath of air.

If you could kill yourself by simply holding your breath, you would have done so a long time ago.


Mozi posted:

>>Spin around in circles while holding breath and patting head while rubbing tummy with other hand and chewing gum and humming the Star Spangled Banner

You spin around while holding your breath while patting your HEAD with one HAND while rubbing your TUMMY with your other HAND while chewing on CHEWING GUM that you found in your VARIOUS ODDS AND ENDS while humming the Star Spangled Banner.

O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hail’d at the twilight’s last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
O’er the ramparts we watch’d were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen through the mists of the deep
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream,
’Tis the star-spangled banner—O long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore,
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion
A home and a Country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash’d out their foul footstep’s pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave,
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O thus be it ever when freemen shall stand
Between their lov’d home and the war’s desolation!
Blest with vict’ry and peace may the heav’n rescued land
Praise the power that hath made and preserv’d us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto–“In God is our trust,”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.



You barely manage to complete humming this vainglorious ode to American imperialism and genocide of indigenous cultures before dizziness from the spinning causes you to fall down on the BEDSHEET with a SUMMONING CIRCULAR SHAPE drawn on it.

Unfortunately, you do not fall in a way that results in a lethal fracture of your SKULL, nor does the CHEWING GUM lodge in your THROAT and choke you to death, nor does the dizziness lead to a fatal hemorrhage in your BRAIN.

You are only closer to death insofar as you are a minute or so closer to the end of your natural lifespan.


DeadFatDuckFat posted:

Order pizza delivery (anchovies) and pay for it via barter

You open the app for Patterson’s Pizza Preparers on your SMARTPHONE and place an order for an ANCHOVY PIZZA.

You select the option to pay with cash upon delivery, with the intention of negotiating with the pizza delivery person for payment by barter trade when he arrives with the ANCHOVY PIZZA.

The app returns a confirmation that the ANCHOVY PIZZA will be delivered within the next thirty minutes.


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

> have a good cry, get those tears flowing and that stress relief

You try to cry but the tears just don’t come. You are not SAD, you are just DEPRESSED and wish to die.


DickParasite posted:

>Call drug dealer, buy PCP

You do not know of any drug dealers who sell Professional Conversion Programmes.


blight rhino posted:

>Tie jeans around waist, in case it gets cold.

You tie your JEANS around your WAIST.


blight rhino posted:

>Slowly gnaw through the duct tape to open the door

Gnawing through the door should produce saliva, that will help with dehydration

uh. i think. i'm not a doctor of science

You gnaw through the DUCT TAPE now wrapped around your HANDS. This does not cause either of the DOORS leading out of your BEDROOM to open.

Your mouth and teeth are unable to reach down far enough to reach or gnaw upon the DUCT TAPE wrapped around your PENIS.


STATUS

Your name is RICHARD PETER JOHNSON.

You are in your BEDROOM. lying down in the middle of a SUMMONING CIRCULAR SHAPE drawn on a BEDSHEET on the FLOOR.

You are wearing ONE PAIR OF SHORTS on your head, ONE T-SHIRT on your torso, ONE PAIR OF SHORTS around your groin, and ONE PAIR OF JEANS tied around your WAIST.

You are holding ONE T-SHIRT KNOTTED IN A NON-SEXY WAY.

Your HANDS are wrapped with freshly-gnawed DUCT TAPE.

Your PENIS is wrapped with DUCT TAPE.

You are holding a piece of CHEWED CHEWING GUM in your MOUTH.

You are DEPRESSED and wish to die.

You are HUNGRY and WEAKENED by your hunger.

You are SLIGHTLY DIZZY.

You are experiencing faded levels of PAIN and NUMBNESS in your URETHRA.

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Pimpcasso
Mar 13, 2002
MY PRONOUNS ARE SHIT/HEAD


> go left

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