Tossed_Salad_Man posted:

TSM has a very crazy uncle, heres the besy x-mas story EVER..

My uncle lived on a HUGE farm in Kentucky. He HAD lots of cattle. He also like to drink. He also worked in construction not really a side job he did more construction and kept cows for food.

Oh yeah, he ALSO likes high powered rifles and assault rifles, he has MANY.

And I need to mention the Bulldozer he has as well, can anyone see where this is going?

This bulldozer was some old army surplus rickedy shitbox contraption of death, with none of the modern day saftey features on those nowadays, and if there was some kind of saftey device he had it removed one way or another.

So there we all were at his farm for christmas, since he did have the largest home to comfortably hold all the relatives at once and in comfort. Well, granny made her "special" egg nog, and as she was getting on in years sometimes forgets things and apparently as she made the egg nog a few days ahead of time, she would forget if she added any alcohol, and thus kept adding burbon to the eggnog. In short she had made egg-rocket fuel, or eggNOOOOOOOGGGGG as it is refered to by the family to this day.

Well everyone proceeded to get tore down christmas family style and my uncle gets rowdy when he gets drunk.

So he goes and gets out his sks, which he had gone and purchased all of the illegal perts needed to make it a select fire, fully automatic, assault rifle.

He goes out to the edge of the field and begins emptying 30 round magazines into the cows cloest to him, right in the loving face and or side and or necks.

He went out with about 8 magazines and wound up killing 8 and wounding 6.

IT GETS BETTER.

He then proceeded to get on the loving bulldozer and proceeded to run over, mash, and pretty much make hamburgers right there in the field, WHILE YOU WAIT.

He was screaming about bulldozing them goddamn cows and bull dozing bulls and laughing maniacly, he then decided it would be cool to go and basically do "donuts" or spin the treads of the bulldozer over the smashed shot carcases of the recently living cows.

Eventually he got tired/passed out and fell off the bull dozer, narrowly escaping his own death and the bulldozer plowed into a 150+ year old oak tree, where it grunted and strained aginst the tree. My other uncle ran out to turn the dozer off and we dragged my drunken passed out uncle covered in cow blood and mud into the garage where they hosed him off.

LUCKILY he lived far enough out in the country no law enforcement people were called and luckily no one was loving killed.

Everyone was too drunk to eat dinner, and we all passed out and awoke to a very pissed off agrivated uncle who wanted to know WHAT THE gently caress HAPPENED OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT??!!

It took a half a day to expalin to him, and as we all sat around eating leftovers laughing about how funny it was that almost all of us could have died or been killed.

He is in a "home" now for "special people" just like him.

This was 1995 btw.