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Boogoose
Oct 5, 2003

GIVE ME THE CASH !


Hyperborean Undertow!

1945 - As the dastardly Soviets advance into Berlin, one of Hitler's most trusted and brave scientists flees in the last U-boat to South America. With him is indisputable proof of the origins of the Aryan race. Disaster strikes when the correct procedure to flush the onboard toilet is not followed and the submarine plunges to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 2005 - In a race against time as ace troubleshooter for National Sea, Ditches, Aqueducts, and Ponds (NSDAP), Dirk Pitt must once and for all establish the natural superiority of the white race.

EXCERPTS:

------

Doctor Sherry Brandywine may have only been five foot nothing in her bare, extremely naked, feet, but in that small package she still managed to pack enough 10/10 USDAF certified trim to make the weight. Dirk was surprised that behind those come-glaze-me-eyes and tawny, ropeworthy cheeks, she could fit an intellect that could occasionally come close to the average male one. Brandywine had majored in Tennis Studies at UCLA and at 22 her body was only just starting to show signs that her peak was far past her. She had minored in some nerd poo poo that Dirk was too busy strafing Vietnamese villages back in the good but imprecisely defined old days to learn, so he needed her for now. He would, he resigned himself, need to have a work related conversation with her at least twice before they could really get down and make the room stink.

Al Giordino looked to one side as his best friend, confidant, crystal buddy, and recognized those moon-calf eyes. He sighed to himself. Wider the Kuiper belt, he was large enough to accommodate every Italian-American stereotype in existence. Mama Giordino would be ashamed to see her son reduced to this, but it looked like he would have to tag along and pick up whatever side-gash that fell by the wayside.

The Admiral game-cocked past in a fiery, red-headed, way.

------

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Cubone
May 26, 2011

Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

hi, I'm writing a Clive Cussler novel

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

Clive Cussler: Who is he? Some kind of author or something?

A stunning new novel by Clive Cussler.

5 Stars - Yelp review

Boogoose
Oct 5, 2003

GIVE ME THE CASH !


Funky See Funky Do posted:

Clive Cussler: Who is he? Some kind of author or something?

A stunning new novel by Clive Cussler.

5 Stars - Yelp review

Check your Dad's book shelf.

If you can't find them, check behind the non-fictional books, 20th century military history.

Boogoose fucked around with this message at 22:00 on Aug 15, 2021

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

One Flew Over The OPs Head

By Clive Cussler

Blatant plagiarism - The New York Times

Boogoose
Oct 5, 2003

GIVE ME THE CASH !


Funky See Funky Do posted:

One Flew Over The OPs Head

By Clive Cussler

Blatant plagiarism - The New York Times

Oh yeah, he likes to insert himself via a mule. It's been a while.

Xotl
May 28, 2001

Be seeing you.

Boogoose posted:

Hyperborean Undertow!

2005 - In a race against time as ace troubleshooter for National Sea, Ditches, Aqueducts, and Ponds (NSDAP), Dirk Pitt must once and for all establish the natural superiority of the white race.

Having read all these in high school, I laughed.

I liked the one where they found the secret undersea Japanese bases designed to defeat America and avenge glorious Nippon.

filmcynic
Oct 30, 2012


I've long treasured this sentence from Sahara: "This day, the temperature rose from 15 degrees C (60 degrees F) to 35 degrees C (95 degrees F) in three hours, topping off during the hottest part of the afternoon at 46 degrees C (114 degrees F)." Copy and paste as needed.

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

Dirk entered the room with an air of authority. He reached out to shake the Colonel's hand.

"Pitt" he announced confidently. "Dirk Pitt."

"lol what? No really, who are you?" asked The Colonel.

"Dirk Pitt, adventurer. At your service." Dirk replied with a tinge of irritation.

"Hahaha wtf. Dirk Pitt? Did your parents name you that or what the gently caress is going on? Am I being punked? Is there a camera in that pot plant?" inquired The Colonel.

Boogoose
Oct 5, 2003

GIVE ME THE CASH !


Dirk stared into the cold, dark, unfeeling, and slightly eliptical eyes that stared out from the shadow of Al-Araab's hooked nose. He fingered the bobbed hammer spur of his custom 1911 that featured a ported barrel, match trigger, underneath Picatinny (R) rail that could accomodate anything from a Surefire (R) tactical beam to a ZG 1229 Vampir (R. expired) infrared sight, flared magazine well, chequered grips, and a supressor that actually made a gunshot near silent which he had tricked a wizard into giving him. In the magazine (it's never called a clip) were seven .45 Automatic Colt Pistol (ACP) rounds, hollow point, crucifix scored, and dipped in pig's blood. In the chamber, the same, but greased with cowfat. That was the thing with Hindustanis - they always took you by surprise.

General Dog
Apr 26, 2008

New Year, New Me!

Dirk Pitt displayed a tasteful erection

Zeniel
Oct 18, 2013


For Christmas once, one of my step-relatives I forget who exactly, got me the Clive Cussler novel Trojan Odyssey. I never read it, and only recently got rid of it once I moved across the country. What's Cusslers deal?

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

Chillaxin' to the MAX
*`'zebras4lyfe'`*

I'm Clive Cussler arriving on his turn off the century steam powered car wearing a white suit and fancy pocket square just in time to give Dirk A ride to the submarine battle with the main villain or whatever every loving time and then posting a picture of myself driving the car at the end of the book with a huge erection

Earwicker
Jan 6, 2003



Clive Cussler's alright but he's got nothing on my favorite dead bestselling pageturner thriller guy, Stieg Larsson.

check out some real prose:

Stieg Larsson posted:

She drove to IKEA at Kungens Kurva and spent three hours browsing through the merchandise, writing down the item numbers she needed. She made a few quick decisions.

She bought two KARLANDA sofas with sand coloured upholstery, five POÄNG armchairs, two round side tables of clear lacquered birch, a SVANSBO coffee table, and several LACK occasional tables. From the storage department she ordered two IVAR combination storage units and two BONDE bookshelves, a TV stand, and a MAGIKER unit with doors. She settled on a PAX NEXUS three-door wardrobe and two small MALM bureaus.

She spent a long time selecting a bed, and decided on a HEMNES bed from with mattress and bedside table. To be on the safe side, she also bought a LILLEHAMMER bed to put in the spare room. She didn’t plan on having an guests, but since she had a guest room she might as well furnish it.

The bathroom in her new apartment was already equipped with a medicine cabinet, towel storage, and a washing machine the previous owners had left behind. All she had to buy was a cheap laundry basket.

What she did need, though, was kitchen furniture. After some thought she decided on a ROSFORS kitchen table of solid beechwood with a tabletop of tempered glass and four colourful kitchen chairs.

She also needed furniture for her office. She looked at some improbable “work stations: with ingenious cabinets for storing computers and keyboards. In the end she shook her head and ordered an ordinary desk, the GALANT, in beech veneer with an angled top and rounded corners, and a large filing cabinet. She took a long time choosing an office chair — in which she would no doubt spend many hours—and chose one of the most expensive options, the VERKSAM.

now thats what i call Writing

Zeniel
Oct 18, 2013


Earwicker posted:

Clive Cussler's alright but he's got nothing on my favorite dead bestselling pageturner thriller guy, Stieg Larsson.

check out some real prose:

now thats what i call Writing

I didn't realise that Stieg Larsson was Sweden's answer to Ernest Klein

Oyak
Nov 13, 2007

When I see your posting


College Slice

Earwicker posted:

Clive Cussler's alright but he's got nothing on my favorite dead bestselling pageturner thriller guy, Stieg Larsson.

check out some real prose:

now thats what i call Writing

Oh yeah, I remember that passage. It's what made me put down the book forever.

Earwicker
Jan 6, 2003



Oyak posted:

Oh yeah, I remember that passage. It's what made me put down the book forever.

i would have probably done the same under normal conditions but when i read that trilogy i had thrown out my back and literally could not move from where i was lying for days, so i just kept on reading. i thought the first book was a mediocre but still somewhat compelling thriller and its truly amazing just how bad they get by the end of the third book, like he must have been doing that on purpose to some extent because its absurd

Linux Pirate
Apr 21, 2012



I've never read a Clive Cussler novel, but from a quick search it looks like he wrote the kind of books you'd buy at an airport. I'm going to start typing words while I sip on my alcoholic beverage. Cayman islands. Ocean Liner. Mystery Skull. Hidden page behind the frame. Gun. Sex boobs. Nantucket. Kindly old shop keep. Compass. Gold ring. Secret chamber. 76 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham Talisman. Lookout point. Deed to the property. Cane with hidden compartment. Map. Sodium thiopental. Affair. Gold watch. Wing tipped shoes.

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020

Merry, uuhhhh
hmmm....??

Merry Birdmas


I forget which book it is, but on the very last page, after the Russians or whoever have been soundly beat and Dirk Pitt is safe home in his hangar among his rare planes (including a mint condition Me 262), there's a knock on the door and in steps Dirk's children whom he had thought died in that terrible explosion 20 years ago.

Dirk Pitt's response to this collossal revelation: "Cool. Do you like cars?"

Waffle!
Aug 6, 2004

I Feel Pretty!




I work in a library and we have so many Cussler books. I haven't read any, they all look like boomer fanfiction to me.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006



Eh, oh, I'm Clive Cussler over here. I'm writin' about protagonists and deuteragonists and gabbagols.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Dirk Pitt was glad he lived in an alternate timeline where the heroic Confederacy had successfully defeated the evil Union. He shuddered to imagine what would have become of the white race if its future had not been secured in the War of Northern Aggression.

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010


There he stood, at the crossroads of life. Any decision he made would change him forever, even if he decided to simply walk away. A man before and a man after, but never the same man.

He lit his cigarette that didn't have a filter, letting it flow into himself, fortifying his body and mind. The smoke lingered and wafted like a magazine in the breeze if they still made those but they don't because people don't know what anymore.

And that's precisely what he realised: no one knows what any more. He, alone, could make that decision. He alone could make things right with this world. It was heavy and unforgiving but the fear, ever present, was overwhelmed by his sense of duty and honour. Of pride, and empathy, but definitely not privilege, no sir not at all. None of that ever happened to this man's man, a man who forged his own destiny through grit, passion and determination.

As he took another draw of his fine cigarette, that was actually really good because he knew a guy, he senses the moment had come. He knew there was no turning back. The drums of war had sounded and it was to the death and for his country and people.

"Sir," a timid woman half his height nervously enquired, "can you please stop smoking that in here? This is the waiting room."
"Well you listen here missy, you have NO IDEA who you're dealing with..."

Zeniel
Oct 18, 2013


Every day I'm Cusselin'

Chapter 1: The hyperstone heest.

Clive Custler was about tusslin' his son Rus' head when he heard the leaves all a' rustlin' upon the trustle over the hustle and bustlen' of his wife Jocelyn as she was musclin in on Custler's Rus' tussle.

"Hoo-hoo Honk"

Screamed Clive "The Cussleman" Cussler, at his shrill harpy-like entity that was his wife.



I'm sure you can work out the rest of the plot, with your imagination.

Zeniel fucked around with this message at 06:15 on Aug 16, 2021

Boogoose
Oct 5, 2003

GIVE ME THE CASH !


Dirk briefly scanned the controls of the car - he was of course passingly familiar with the controls of most automobiles from 1931 to 1945, but strictly as a layman. "Classic German design, Hebriac tooling" he thought as he pulled the choke of the Daimz-Audi. The 24V design purred into life, economically burning 1 litre (FOR AMERICAN AUDIENCES: THIS IS LIKE A HUGE loving AMOUNT) of high-octane petrol (GASOLINE) per kilometre (TIMES OR MINUS TWO FOR MILES, I FORGET). The work of art roared into life. In at least (TEN OR TWENTY PARAGRAPHS TIME, DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH I PAY MY GHOSTWRITERS) this would like, be a huge loving mess alright.

Xotl
May 28, 2001

Be seeing you.

I remember some compelling scenes from reading them as a kid, before he started farming out his books. Lord knows if I went back and read them again if I'd find even those bits as good but, for instance, there's a colossally idiotic book about a South African false-flag operation to hijack a mothballed battleship and sail it up the Potomac to shell Washington with shells loaded with super anthrax or something horrible. All the same, the opening, where a crippled cargo plane struggles through the air and lands in what looks like an open field, only for it to be a snow-covered lake and they break through, with the strapped-in pilots suddenly dropping through the ice into the deep, frigid waters, has always stuck with me.

IIRC that was his formula: compelling piece of history to open the book, then near-future adventure against some kind of goofy superevil that eventually tied into whatever he opened with. I don't know if he stuck with that all the way to his death, though. I think I stopped with the one where a tidal wave sends a Spanish galleon inland to be found centuries later. My best friend's dad had mountains of bad-rear end-dudes-fight-for-freedom books so I read oceans of garbage as a kid: Mack Bolan, Phoenix Force, a series about a Roman legionary that stabbed Jesus and wanders around throughout time punching people, etc etc etc.

Torquemada
Oct 21, 2010

Drei Gläser


I have an unfortunately good memory for bullshit, so the first 13 of these are lodged in my brain somehow. I read the following 3, but my tolerance for trash went right down in the mid-90’s so I barely recall them, except the ‘here’s your kids Dirk’ scene from which my eyes still haven’t fully rolled back down

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020

Merry, uuhhhh
hmmm....??

Merry Birdmas


I don't think I mind the pulp-history or set up in general, but the characters are so bad.

Worf
Sep 12, 2017




Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

I forget which book it is, but on the very last page, after the Russians or whoever have been soundly beat and Dirk Pitt is safe home in his hangar among his rare planes (including a mint condition Me 262), there's a knock on the door and in steps Dirk's children whom he had thought died in that terrible explosion 20 years ago.

Dirk Pitt's response to this collossal revelation: "Cool. Do you like cars?"

Lmfao I read this book. I was like wtf? All of his books are so loving bad, I legit can't imagine being enough of a boomer conservative to enjoy them

Also the book where he finds the irl nautilus in some cave in new jersey or whatever. It may be the same book, idk, all of them have boats and gaseous plagues

Also all the women in the book are kind of badasses until they meet or need Clive/dirk whatever, in which case they turn into rudderless frigates. It's jarring n gross

Worf fucked around with this message at 11:23 on Aug 16, 2021

Worf
Sep 12, 2017




A freak weather pattern has blown my meager science ship off course and 20 yds outside of this major channel I have found an old Spanish galleon filled w ghosts and Slavs with old Soviet weapons.

There is a chest with a swastika being guarded by the ghosts, I think the Slavs might be trying to hatch a nefarious plot OH LORD NOW THERE ARE MIDDLE EASTERN MEN WITH AN AQUA AGENDA


HOLY poo poo IT TURNS OUT THE GALLEON SUNK RIGHT OVER A NATURAL CYANIDE HOT SPRING AND IF THESE CRYPT THEIVES BUNGLE IT, IT COULD KILL MANY FISH AND RUIN MY ELITIST DIVING TRIPS THAT CAN BE FOUND NEAR THE PROLOGUE AND EPILOGUE


I'm sorry but like literally every book he writes seems to be filled with spooky ancient gas attacks coming to life in the new millennium as well as swarthy men with AKs / 1940s autos in pristine condition for reasons

Clive cussler wrote that book/movie Sahara starring Matthew McConaughey and legit they're all variants of that same poo poo

Boogoose
Oct 5, 2003

GIVE ME THE CASH !


Statutory Ape posted:

Clive cussler wrote that book/movie Sahara starring Matthew McConaughey and legit they're all variants of that same poo poo

When the movie came out, Cussler fans were very mad that the sidekick had been aggressively de-Italianised.

Worf
Sep 12, 2017




Boogoose posted:

When the movie came out, Cussler fans were very mad that the sidekick had been aggressively de-Italianised.

i saw the movie first and read the book years and years later and i was like wait, this is who steve zahn played?

ChubbyChecker
Mar 25, 2018



Boogoose posted:

Hyperborean Undertow!

1945 - As the dastardly Soviets advance into Berlin, one of Hitler's most trusted and brave scientists flees in the last U-boat to South America. With him is indisputable proof of the origins of the Aryan race. Disaster strikes when the correct procedure to flush the onboard toilet is not followed and the submarine plunges to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 2005 - In a race against time as ace troubleshooter for National Sea, Ditches, Aqueducts, and Ponds (NSDAP), Dirk Pitt must once and for all establish the natural superiority of the white race.

EXCERPTS:

------

Doctor Sherry Brandywine may have only been five foot nothing in her bare, extremely naked, feet, but in that small package she still managed to pack enough 10/10 USDAF certified trim to make the weight. Dirk was surprised that behind those come-glaze-me-eyes and tawny, ropeworthy cheeks, she could fit an intellect that could occasionally come close to the average male one. Brandywine had majored in Tennis Studies at UCLA and at 22 her body was only just starting to show signs that her peak was far past her. She had minored in some nerd poo poo that Dirk was too busy strafing Vietnamese villages back in the good but imprecisely defined old days to learn, so he needed her for now. He would, he resigned himself, need to have a work related conversation with her at least twice before they could really get down and make the room stink.

Al Giordino looked to one side as his best friend, confidant, crystal buddy, and recognized those moon-calf eyes. He sighed to himself. Wider the Kuiper belt, he was large enough to accommodate every Italian-American stereotype in existence. Mama Giordino would be ashamed to see her son reduced to this, but it looked like he would have to tag along and pick up whatever side-gash that fell by the wayside.

The Admiral game-cocked past in a fiery, red-headed, way.

------

Worf
Sep 12, 2017




quote:

in her bare, extremely naked, feet,

just caught this in the OP lmao


god i hate the way men write women, not just with descriptions but their actions its so fuckin gross

its very obvious when authors actually closely consult with women about their women characters, imo


clive cussler is annoying because my entire life i thought i liked boats, adventure, and cars, but mr cussler has shown me that these thigns are bad

Worf fucked around with this message at 12:11 on Aug 16, 2021

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


Earwicker posted:

Clive Cussler's alright but he's got nothing on my favorite dead bestselling pageturner thriller guy, Stieg Larsson.

check out some real prose:

now thats what i call Writing

lol this sounds like Phillipe from Achewood is now in high school

Yaldabaoth
Oct 9, 2012

I bring my hyperbolic handwringing into every thread I can! No matter how tangential the topic, I'll shoehorn it in there.


I can almost begrudgingly respect The Turner Diaries for outright saying what white male supremacists are thinking instead of trying to dress it up the way guys like Cussler did.

Doctor Dogballs
Apr 1, 2007

driving the fuck truck from hand land to pound town without stopping at suction station


Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

I forget which book it is, but on the very last page, after the Russians or whoever have been soundly beat and Dirk Pitt is safe home in his hangar among his rare planes (including a mint condition Me 262), there's a knock on the door and in steps Dirk's children whom he had thought died in that terrible explosion 20 years ago.

Dirk Pitt's response to this collossal revelation: "Cool. Do you like cars?"

they were in his hangar so why didnt he say "Cool. Do you like planes"

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020

Merry, uuhhhh
hmmm....??

Merry Birdmas


I think there was cars in the hangar too. Maybe the kids showed up driving some cool car or whatever, I've blacked it out.

Doctor Dogballs
Apr 1, 2007

driving the fuck truck from hand land to pound town without stopping at suction station


Why are you all omitting the "Dr." from his name? Dr. Clive Cussler, Ph.D

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General Dog
Apr 26, 2008

New Year, New Me!

Applewhite posted:

Dirk Pitt was glad he lived in an alternate timeline where the heroic Confederacy had successfully defeated the evil Union. He shuddered to imagine what would have become of the white race if its future had not been secured in the War of Northern Aggression.

I thought it turned out the same except the Confederacy kidnapped Lincoln near the end of the war and transported him to Egypt via submarine, where the submarine sank and Lincoln perished along with the crew.

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