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docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

Modern worldly poster

Gonna take a run at the pilot (at least) of Star Trek: Enterprise. Haven't seen it since it aired.

Pray for me.

(SMG, you are welcome to distract me with arguments about how this is a sequel to Picard or some drat thing.)

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docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Lmao laser shotgun. (Not phasers, right?)

Oh god this song is worse than I remembered. It's a shame because the opening credit sequence is visually so good.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Oh, okay, plasma shotgun.

The Klingon is called Klaang. Okay fine we'll do that.

Vulcan underling sounds like Jeffrey Combs (but isn't, I think)

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Captain Archer's not wrong but he's kind of an rear end, and not in a fun way.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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This should really be an adaptation of Diane Carey's "Final Frontier".

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Cute dog, at least.

I remember almost nothing about the crew except (barely) their names though I did remember that the one dude used to be a civilian spacer. If I'd never seen them before, Hoshi's the only one I'd be interested in learning more about because linguistics nerd is more interesting than "dude", "uptight British dude", "southern accent dude", and "Vulcan lady in skin-tight outfit because this is that era of Star Trek".

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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I would 100% watch Star Trek: Linguist & Puppy Adventures

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Oh hey they got James Cromwell to do The Speech, that's mildly cool, in a sea of blah blah blah.

I kind of dig the design of the old new Enterprise though it lacks the appeal of Classic 23rd Century Design.

Oh good echoing alien blah blah blah now.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Man, everyone on this show has apparently mistaken "annoying" for "interesting character tic".

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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"We changed overnight."

"Human instinct is pretty strong. You can't expect us to change overnight."

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Half an hour in and finally something mildly interesting is happening

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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The story here isn't bad but the dialogue was written by a fifth grader.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Mayweather and Reed appear to have wandered onto a Farscape episode by mistake.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Meanwhile Trip is discovering Space Poverty.

e. Oh wait, my mistake, he's discovering Space Child Rearing and jumps to conclusions.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Lie detector kiss, okay maybe everyone's in a Farscape episode now.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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"They're soldiers in a temporal cold war."

"Buh?"

"They're taking orders from the future."

"Huh?"

"THIS IS A TIME TRAVEL STORY NOW!"

"Time WHAT?!?"

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Mayweather and Reed noped out of the Farscape Strip Club. Pity.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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T'Pol looking menacing in Archer's dream about flying model spaceships.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Time to lotion up I guess!

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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T'Pol gets with the program. Archer can't quite compute the whole T'POL ISN'T A STUPID OBSTRUCTIONIST BITCH thing.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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I still can't get over KLAANG.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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We could always try the transporter-

AWAY W' YE, WITCH! GOODWYFE MCCOY'S COW WENT THROUGH A TRANSPORTER AND ITS MILK IS ALL CURDLED

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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This is actually cool, the Suliban using space depth charges to find the Enterprise while Trip and Archer do a rescue mission.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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KLAAAAAAAAAANG is doing Klingon things.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Hey Captain Idiot, maybe don't stay there and watch the antimagnet bomb go off.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Man, imagine this show if they'd actually left Archer behind and had T'Pol remain the captain.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Oh thank heavens, the Suliban boss is as much of an idiot as Archer.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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STROBE FIGHT

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Chekhov's* Transporter, ladies and gentlemen.

(No, the other one.)

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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KLAAAAAAAAAAAAANG returns home to get a blood test.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Old Klingon says I HATE YOU or I LOVE YOU.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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Blah blah blah we get to keep doing a series.

Archer giving up his Space Racism, hooray!

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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"There's an ion storm ahead, should I go around it?"

"gently caress yes, this is a brand new starship!" says no one.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

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I don't think I'll livepost every episode like this.

So, uh, yeah. I liked the actual story once it got underway though the temporal cold war stuff was completely unnecessary and shows, I feel, a complete lack of faith in the premise of "early Federation space exploration". (And that's probably exactly what it was, so much of this screams of "written according to network suit mandates).

The decontamination stuff is just completely embarrassing. Like, if you want people to be sexy on your space show that is ostensibly for adults, just have them be sexy, this feels like it was written by, and for, horny fourteen-year-olds.

The dialogue was bad, most of the characters were bad, the theme song was bad, but there's some potential here. (And yes I know most of it goes unrealized until maybe the last season.)

KLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG hahahaha oh lord.

Lawman 0
Aug 17, 2010





docbeard posted:

I don't think I'll livepost every episode like this.

So, uh, yeah. I liked the actual story once it got underway though the temporal cold war stuff was completely unnecessary and shows, I feel, a complete lack of faith in the premise of "early Federation space exploration". (And that's probably exactly what it was, so much of this screams of "written according to network suit mandates).

The decontamination stuff is just completely embarrassing. Like, if you want people to be sexy on your space show that is ostensibly for adults, just have them be sexy, this feels like it was written by, and for, horny fourteen-year-olds.

The dialogue was bad, most of the characters were bad, the theme song was bad, but there's some potential here. (And yes I know most of it goes unrealized until maybe the last season.)

KLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG hahahaha oh lord.

The decontamination scene is genuinely one of the worst things ever put in a Star Trek Episode. Anyways it's a shame Enterprise didn't get like an extra season before getting canned because they honestly could have wrapped it up in a fifth season.
That said good lord is the first season dire.

mercenarynuker
Sep 10, 2008

i am the bruce of the willis


Unpopular opinion time: I hated the theme song, and then was pissed when they changed it slightly for the last season, because I had come to actually like it

Sanguinia
Jan 1, 2012

~Everybody wants to be a cat~
~Because a cat's the only cat~
~Who knows where its at~


The first time I sat down and watched Enterprise almost every single episode of the first two seasons started off with me really enjoying it and then it turned to poo poo at almost precisely the halfway mark. It was like clockwork. Start with a cool unique premise appropriate for the time and concept of Starfleet's First Days, halfway through switch to a garbage tier Voyager episode.

Tsaedje
May 11, 2007

ASK ME ABOUT BEING A JOYLESS CURMUDGEON WHO CANNOT ENJOY LIFE'S SIMPLY PLEASURES LIKE EATING AN ICE CREAM WHILST HAVING A SHIT


The only good thing about Enterprise is the jarring contrast between the opening and the titles. Sometimes you get thrilling cliffhangers like 'a crew member is relaxing on their own and gets called to the bridge', other times you get tryhard grimness with a hard cut to upbeat soft rock.

Farmer Crack-Ass
Jan 2, 2001

~this is me posting irl~


Lawman 0 posted:

The decontamination scene is genuinely one of the worst things ever put in a Star Trek Episode. Anyways it's a shame Enterprise didn't get like an extra season before getting canned because they honestly could have wrapped it up in a fifth season.
That said good lord is the first season dire.

from what i recall from seeing the list of fifth season concepts, my bet is that even if it had gotten a fifth season, the fourth season would have still been the high watermark.

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Sanguinia
Jan 1, 2012

~Everybody wants to be a cat~
~Because a cat's the only cat~
~Who knows where its at~


Farmer Crack-rear end posted:

from what i recall from seeing the list of fifth season concepts, my bet is that even if it had gotten a fifth season, the fourth season would have still been the high watermark.

I dunno, I read the Romulan War books and they weren't bad, they could have been turned into some good TV

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