official candy ratings thread

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > official candy ratings thread

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

Canadian ratings, I guess:

Aero: 4/10
it's "just ok" chocolate with air bubbles in it, meaning you get less chocolate overall. -1 from baseline due to that psyop

Big Turk: 7/10
another weird candy bar. gummi covered in a thin layer of chocolate. best of both gummi and chocolate worlds but best if savored and allowed to melt in your mouth. -1 point for no fun size either, -2 points for being intolerable for months by the time you finish one

Caramilk: 8/10
caramel fill chocolate. often imitated by weird charity chocolate but rarely matched. point deductions because they won't tell me how the caramel gets in there. syringe?

Coffee Crisp: 9/10
chocolate and wafers (3 baseline), mild (+1) coffee (+1) flavor, often hated by children and left for adults to enjoy (+2). not overly sweet (+1) and available fun-sized (+1)

Crispy Crunch: 2/10
this is hard candy with a light layer of chocolate over it. cloyingly sweet, only tolerable as a fun-sized and only if you bite clean through rather than savor/let chocolate melt. sticks to your teeth real bad. besides fun-sized boost saving it from zero. it is a passable dairy queen blizzard flavor

Crunchie: 4/10
honeycomb toffee covered with chocolate. interesting melt in your mouth texture experience. gets worse as you get older but faster than most things. also can stick to your teeth real bad

Eat-More: 9/10
insane candy bar for weirdos. soft chocolate flavored toffee with chopped peanuts densely saturating it. and yet- incredibly satisfying. -1 point for no fun-sized offering

Mr. Big: 6/10
it's pretty big. i guess. it's like oh henry but with crispy rice instead of that toffee-like stuff. fairly light and less sickening than some other choco bars.

Smarties: 5/10
no one hates smarties. used to be a psyop to eat the red one last, but they are all identically flavored so who cares

Sour Patch Kids 0/10
penny candy that has invert and sour sugar coatings, ruining it

Kenny Logins fucked around with this message at 19:02 on Nov 1, 2021

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 18:41

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 12:35

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

S-tier: sour patch kids, sour punch straws, caramel apple pops
A-tier: milky way, baby ruth, 100 grand, sweet tarts
B-tier: snickers, reese's cups, almond joy, jolly ranchers
C-tier: any mostly-plain chocolate (preference for nuts), mounds
poo poo-tier: pretty much everythign else

that's the definitive list. go ahead and close the thread

sour candy is for tricking children with and not intended to be actually consumed

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:03

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

some of my canadian candies are shared with the brits and: i don't care

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:04

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

rotor posted:

Anything with that "hot" cinnamon flavor like Red Hots: 3/10
This tastes like hazmat. People honestly deliberately put this in their mouth?

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:06

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

prefect posted:

i have got to try some of that coffee crisp one of these days. i had tim tams a while back, and they were excellent

coffees crisp are good. bit like a kitkat but with less chocolate and a little more to the wafer flavor. less chocolate is usually a psyop but in this case it makes them more palatable when doing grown up things like editing spreadsheets, talking at the water cooler, and consuming non-crisp coffee

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:08

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

prefect posted:

Snickers: 10

snickers are god-tier but i can't handle them any bigger than fun sized. that ups the chocolate ratio in a pretty effective way too

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:09

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

jersey milk can absolutely gently caress off. it's just boring chocolate leftover from better candy bars. dasani of the chocolate game

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:11

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

Roosevelt posted:

wonka bottle caps; delightful round wafer candies that dissolve in your mouth and taste like soda. cherry, grape, cola, root beer, and orange flavors. somewhat uncommon. 10/10

soda licious: gummi candy marketed as for kids lunchboxes. delicious flavors and good texture. good pun in name. 10/10

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:38

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

is there any greater lacuna between proposal and reality than gushers. they were almost always smashed to hell and leaking.

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:39

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

sesame snaps: 4/10
delicious sesame flavor and texture but sticks to your teeth and the binding honey or w/e is noxiously sweet. for real sesame heads only

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:43

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

mediaphage posted:

wunderbar: 10/10

chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, crisped rice. delicious.

i had one a few days ago and can confirm that it gets the mix very right. i thought i didn't like them but i must have had them confused with butterfinger

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:53

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

Shaggar posted:

butterfingers are s-tier

i got sickened by them once in hs. same thing happened with reese's pieces when i was a kid. more for those who like them i guess

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 19:59

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

peanut m&ms are at least perma s-tier

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 20:01

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

at one point i enjoyed a good three musketeers. i bet the original with three kinds of nougat or w/e was better though

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 20:28

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

graph posted:

i think it was a fun size twix from some receptionists desk

rough. for some reason i find those always taste stale

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 22:19

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

rotor posted:

it seems sort of obvious to me why there isn't a smaller version of an Eat-More

you've given me a lit to think about today. i amend its rating to 10/10 must try

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 22:20

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

NoneMoreNegative posted:

pass my regards to your mother while I'm reminded

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 23:26

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

fritz posted:

Sometimes a person simply needs a big ol' box of jujyfruit to chew on.

I'm also a big fan of gummy fish but only the good ones you get from the bulk foods aisle, most of the time the pre-packaged ones get sticky and moist (and never those little red 'swedish fish' things).

i love a good blue shark gummi from the bulk barn

# ¿ Nov 2, 2021 02:31

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

mediaphage posted:

what about traditional home candies in the vein of a candy bar confectionery device

man i can demolish some buckeyes. haystacks. those butterscotch noodle things, puffed rice bars. i make these ridiculous salted caramels that are hard to stop eating

i think they can be discussed and rated in a general sense, at least against each other rather than compared to standardized candies

# ¿ Nov 2, 2021 14:59

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

i prefer qualitative candy heuristics to quantitative candy evaluation methodologies

# ¿ Nov 2, 2021 15:02

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

how is australian licorice (flavor irrelevant) just so much better than regular kind

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 12:38

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

mediaphage posted:

anyway some good alternatives to black licorice ~~for those who like the chew~~ these days ~~that~~ use fruit pur�es in the mix (which is otherwise just a sugar syrup and some flour).

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 16:14

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

fart simpson posted:

oh thank you kenneth

happy too find meaning in absurdity in this yospos candy ratings thread

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 18:20

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

rotor posted:

4 minutes. well done

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 19:04

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

mediaphage posted:

pretty sure i would eat anything even tangentially related to reese�s

the combination of chocolate and peanuts is powerful but precarious, for me. i like full size pb cups but not minis or reese's pieces. ratio is important i guess

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 21:40

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

i always remember an old mad (or cracked) magazine parody of candy bars, as almond joy was almost joy (made of joy dish detergent)

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 22:17

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

Roosevelt posted:

i like twizzler nibs. i don't like the regular twizzler "licorice" but the nibs are special

nibs are ok. australian kind is an order of magnitude better

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 23:32

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

Achmed Jones posted:

can we talk more about soft boiled eggs please. they're fuckin good and should count as candy

this is utter fuckin goblin mode

# ¿ Nov 4, 2021 00:50

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

mediaphage posted:

i guarantee i could eat one cup by myself while watching movies

i doubt i'd like myself or the world after though

each cup is 8 servings lol

# ¿ Nov 7, 2021 23:25

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 12:35

Kenny Logins: Jan 11, 2011; EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A WHITE WHALE INTO THE PEQUOD. IT'S HELL'S HEART AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I STRIKE AT THEE ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, ISHMAEL.

3 musketeers are, admittedly, chocolate charleston chew but for old people with dentures

# ¿ Nov 8, 2021 21:11

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > official candy ratings thread