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Hello to all! I have a Serious Novel (well, semi-serious. The book's not going to be devoid of humor.) I want to write. Part of a series, in fact! It's a YA fantasy inspired by Japanese mythology. Kitsune and oni and dragon kings who command the ocean, an island empire with a central government divided into provinces ruled by local lords, etc. There's also some Journey to the West in it, as well. My main model for the structure is a series I loved as a child, the Deltora Quest books: They were an Australian fantasy series that had three sub-series (the OG Deltora Quest, 8 books long, the Shadowlands trilogy, and Dragons of Deltora, four books long), that had books running from 100 to 200 pages, though not longer. In terms of what I have planned, I think of it in terms of a road trip: I have a definite ending planned, and a few definite spots I want to hit, but there are bits in-between those destinations are still... unknown. You don't know that there's a really good donut shop between Point C and D, but you get surprised when you stop there to eat and find them amazing. This is NOT a NaNo project, because November is the month my birthday is in and I want to celebrate it without feeling guilty for not writing. But yeah, I'm looking for advice and criticism, as well as any cultural awareness to add-I am white, so while I'm trying to be sensitive towards Japanese culture, I realize I have blind spots and can miss things, so if anyone of Japanese ancestry or who lives in Japan wants to add anything, please don't be afraid to speak up. Current word count: 4400~ish and rising. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u9qXLOZdwOUmykZquv3d8qcuBSdnjI0oPNjetUeiyjY/edit?usp=sharing
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Nov 7, 2021 06:54
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Just reading through your stuff right now. How long have you been writing, and what type of critique are you looking for? Also, are you writing for fun, or are you aiming to self publish this, or send it to agents?
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Nov 7, 2021 17:25
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DropTheAnvil posted:Just reading through your stuff right now. How long have you been writing, and what type of critique are you looking for? Also, are you writing for fun, or are you aiming to self-publish this, or send it to agents? 1. I have been writing casually through roleplay and such for years, but this is the first project that I've started that I've not grown bored with. 2. I have Grammarly so I don't need too many typos/grammar/punctuation stuff, so more quality of writing critique. 3. I am certainly enjoying writing this, but I do plan to get this published in some manner (whether in print or just through Amazon or w/e).
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Nov 7, 2021 20:01
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First, congrats on starting a novel! Most people who have a story in their heads never get to the point where they write it down, so whatever else happens next, you can be proud that you got this far. Second, don't worry so much about this book being part of an eventual series. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people write the first book, then try and get that published while writing the second, only to find out that a) nobody wants the first book, or b) they want it but they don't want a series, or c) they want a series but they make so many changes to the first book that you'll have to start the second one over. (You can mostly disregard this advice if traditional publication isn't your goal, but even if you're thinking self-pub, you should focus more on making this novel as good as it can be before you worry about the next one.) Third, I know other people have already told you this, but it bears repeating: you are a white person writing something outside your race and culture, so you need to be drat sure this is the project you want to be working on, because the odds are not in your favor. Even if you have an army of sensitivity readers at your side, it may not be enough. There's a popular school of thought at present that suggests every white person who gets a deal for a book about (x) culture is taking away an opportunity from a person from (x) culture who wants to cover the same subject matter. Is that true? I don't know, it depends if you think publishing is a zero sum game or not, and that's a bigger discussion than I want to start in this post. What I will say is that you're already facing long odds just trying to get a book into the world, and writing outside of your race and culture in the present market is only going to make those odds longer. If you are 100% okay with this, keep writing. If not, it's time to pick a new project. Fourth and finally, I went ahead and read your pages. My main takeaway is that you seem to know your protagonist and your other characters well, but you're overexplaining them to the reader. For example, you've got the line: " “So how is the current… work?” Katsumi asked with equal parts curiosity and concern." The curiosity and concern bit is unnecessary, because her delivery style should come through either in her word choice or in her actions (pursed lips, head tilt, etc). If you've developed a character well enough, you can trust the audience to imagine the character's cadence and tone through context alone. Same deal with the ellipses, which you're using a whole lot. When you go ham with ellipses, you're saying to the reader: "I don't trust my writing enough to believe you'll know when these characters are hesitating, so I'm going to make it excruciatingly clear." You don't have to do that. Trust your writing; trust your readers. If you can do that, your prose will improve by leaps and bounds. I know this is a long post, so if you managed to get this far, give yourself another pat on the back for starting a novel. Whether you decide to drat the torpedoes and stick with this project or do something else, you've got exciting times ahead. Best of luck, writergoon! EDIT: Junpei posted:2. I have Grammarly so I don't need too many typos/grammar/punctuation stuff, so more quality of writing critique. Be careful with this. I use Grammarly too, and it's not bad for analytical essays (my main use-case), but it can give you some bad advice when it comes to voice and style. It's great for spell-check and punctuation, so I'd still recommend it for that. Just don't treat its suggestions as gospel and you'll be fine. Nae fucked around with this message at 20:10 on Nov 7, 2021 |
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Nov 7, 2021 20:07
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Thank you for weighing in! That's a good point about ellipsis. I'll try to cut back on them, replace them with commas where I can feel. I would like to correct you-Katsumi's a guy, not a girl. Katsumi, I won't deny, takes from myself-I also do the whole "Brain moves faster than mouth so I start to stutter" thing, so I'm trying to write his dialogue how I sound when I do that, which requires word repetition and a lot of pauses, but I can definitely cut ellipsis usage in other areas. I understand that I'm fighting an uphill battle, but I'm trying to treat the source with respect. I stated this in the other thread: I am inspired by anime, certainly, and I won't deny that 'girls who are into anime' aren't part of the target audience, but I don't want to limit this book's audience to merely 16-year-old girls who like both Six of Crows and Inuyasha. I want it to be a fairly normal young adult fantasy story that could be enjoyed by a lot of people. So, I am trying to avoid over-usage of clearly "Japanese" words. The Emperor is The Emperor, not a "Shogun". Assassins are assassins, not "Ninja". Swords are swords, not "katana" and "wakizashi" and the like. I'm also not using honorifics (-san, -kun, -senpai, -chan, etc, though a "sensei" might make the cut) or words like "Oni-chan", for fear of being too 'weeby'. And I'm also avoiding the whole "Japanese people are intelligent and scientific" thing by just having... characters with variable intelligence levels. What helped me seriously was a recommendation of another novel that does something similar to what I'm doing (but albeit in modern times) that was moderately successful: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/seven-deadly-shadows-courtney-alameda/1131419129 But I don't want to be a quitter. And besides, I've got too many ideas I want to put down.
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Nov 7, 2021 21:10
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I'll be honest, this reads like a good first draft of a story. You got your characters backstory figured out, you got things happening, you got potential love interests, and your invested in yoru story. I think this makes a great combination for you to complete this story. My critique would be unfair, as It would be similar to many weaknesses I see in rough drafts. Regardless of my opinion, please keep writing! I'll dive into the critique. Structure wise, I don't know if starting with a letter does your story any good. I'm not seeing a lot of strengths that come with starting with a letter. Instead of reading like a start of an Epistolary novel, the letter reads more like a Dramatis personae list, giving us a list of starting characters and their relationships. After reading that letter, I had no questions about your plot, and no opinion on the author's "Voice" for this piece. I know you didn't want grammar issues pointed out, but please check your tenses. There are a few times we go from present tense to past tense, and it takes me right out of the story. This next bit seems unfair, as I said this looks like a rough draft. Reading over the story, a lot of information is retold, or a sentence is just longer than it needs to be. Nae pointed this out with their fourth point. You can condense this story down, by trusting the reader, and not repeating yourself. Finally, coming from a Thriller/Mystery writer perspective, there isn't much plot happening, more setup. From a quick read this is is what I got
*Haruka is training *A misogynstic dude shows up and demands something other than rice *Haruka stands up to him, there are no immediate consequences *The guy gets the food, there is no immediate cost *Haruka goes to see her love interest *The Love Interest proposes This is all setup my fellow writer. I'm sure that the guy who gets the food is gonna come back with a vengeance, and Haruka's earlier decision is gonna bite her in the rear end. But ya know how our character is walking meaninglessly down the pre-ordained path you have written for her, with no motivation or consequence to push her forward? But hey, its a rough draft. You are allowed to make mistakes, or, prove me wrong by showing how these issues actually make your novel amazing! What you have is great, and I can see a lot of potential. As for the writing japanese characters thing.. Up to you how you handle this. There are sensitivity readers you can hire if you are worried about it. Good luck with the writing, let us know how it goes!
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Nov 7, 2021 21:58
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Prefacing this long crit post to say good on you for having the courage to post and ask for crits! That's half the battle. There are things you can work on in your prose but for the most part, it's good enough as a starting point. That's no small achievement in itself. But I would focus on character and structure if I were you. Ok, onto the crit! Junpei posted:
Junpei posted:I understand that I'm fighting an uphill battle, but I'm trying to treat the source with respect. I stated this in the other thread: I am inspired by anime, certainly, and I won't deny that 'girls who are into anime' aren't part of the target audience, but I don't want to limit this book's audience to merely 16-year-old girls who like both Six of Crows and Inuyasha. I want it to be a fairly normal young adult fantasy story that could be enjoyed by a lot of people. Not Japanese, but I'm Hong Kong Chinese and can give you some perspective on how I feel about cultural appropriation in general. If this is recognizably Fantasy Japan, then you need sensitivity readers who can tell you what you're getting culturally wrong (and there will be lots of stuff as someone who doesn't have that lived experience). If this has elements inspired by Japanese culture/anime but it's a world of your own making that is Not Obviously Fantasy Japan, then you have a little more leeway. For a good example of a white writer who is writing massively popular and commercially successful self pub fantasy that draws heavily on Chinese culture and mythology for inspiration, see the Cradle series by Will Wight. So much is obviously inspired by Chinese wuxia/xianxia but he's put his own take on it. As a Chinese reader, I never feel like he's fetishizing my cultural heritage; it's done very respectfully and the world is very obviously Not Fantasy China, it's his own world. Junpei posted:3. I am certainly enjoying writing this, but I do plan to get this published in some manner (whether in print or just through Amazon or w/e). If you're planning on self publishing at all, then you should do some preliminary research on who your target market is, what they're reading and where they hang out. Don't forget you also have options like Royal Road and Wattpad open to you, in addition to trad pub and self pub. On that note, I've had a quick skim through what you've written so far, and I agree with the following: Nae posted:My main takeaway is that you seem to know your protagonist and your other characters well, but you're overexplaining them to the reader. The ellipses in the dialogue and overuse of adjectives are obvious examples of telling, instead of showing. These are easy to fix at a line edit level as part of revising: use stronger verbs (eg "slouched" vs "lounged" vs "towered" vs "hovered" would all do the same thing as "stood", but each of those word choices conveys very different things about character) and write better dialogue/action. By better, I mean always choose a more specific word or phrase (eg "tall strong build" vs "seven feet of pure muscle and as stout as an ox") and specific sensory details over abstract/general statements, (eg "she was scared" vs "her hands shook as she fumbled at the latch; she couldn't seem to make her fingers work"). The bigger problem in my mind is: DropTheAnvil posted:Finally, coming from a Thriller/Mystery writer perspective, there isn't much plot happening, more setup. Fantasy reader/writer here and I'm of the same view. Your scenes don't feel character-driven; they feel exposition-driven. By that, I mean that when I read your scenes, I feel like you had a checklist of specific world building elements/character backstory elements that you wanted me to know and you shoehorned those things into interactions between characters rather than letting the world and other things be revealed to me as a reader through characters interacting. As a specific example: Haruka and Katsumi's conversation (the first scene after the letter) reads like butler and maid dialogue to me. They've been friends all their lives in this (presumably small) village, there's a war going on, she's defying tradition to practice the sword, he's got a huge secret crush on her and he's planning on proposing to her tonight when she's had no idea about his feelings at all - these are all good, strong elements and well developed characters! But you're not letting them interact as characters! You've got: - Katsumi asking Haruka about her duties as if he wouldn't already know what they are and hasn't seen her for years (instead of multiple times a day, or at the very least, several times a week), and probably what he's really trying to do is figure out if she's gonna be offended or laugh at his interest and working up his courage to propose; - Haruka putting her practice sword away when surely it'd be more natural for her to try and convince Katsumi to spar with her (because who else could she talk into helping her train); and - I'm entirely unclear on whether she's avoiding chores and her mother had to ask him to go find her, or if they're both just hanging out together when they have the afternoon off. Go through every scene you've written and ask yourself what the characters are trying to do in the scene. Where is the conflict? What emotional change occurs in the scene? Then make sure every line of prose you're writing is in service of one (ideally more) of those things. You'll be surprised at how much stronger your characters will come off the page when you cut out more of the exposition. If you haven't heard of it yet, look up the try/fail cycle (also known as "yes, but"/"no, and") - there's a Mary Robinette Kowal lecture on Brandon Sanderson's YouTube channel that does a fantastic explanation of this framework. Here's a writing exercise for you. Rewrite the opening scene with Haruka and Katsumi. But this time, there are two rules: 1. no exposition (and no introspection aka internal narration) is allowed at all. All you're allowed to do is to write description (as your POV character perceives the world and other characters), dialogue and action. 2. You must clearly define a try/fail cycle for all characters in the scene. Examples: Haruka is learning a new sword technique during the precious one hour break she gets all day from farm chores, but she needs someone to practice it on. She tries to convince Katsumi to be her training dummy, and... Option A) It works, but she accidentally breaks his arm. ...or Option B) It doesn't work, and her practice sword is broken in the process Katsumi wants to propose to Haruka. He tries to convince her to meet him at the shrine later that night, and... Option A) It works, but he has to agree to being her regular sparring partner for the foreseeable future ...or Option B) It doesn't work, because she blows him off in favor of doing something else and it turns out to be that she's planning on running away to join the army in disguise a la Mulan You don't have to use these examples, I just made them up off the top of my head, but hopefully you can see how using something like this as a basis for structuring your scenes would result in a stronger opening. DropTheAnvil posted:Structure wise, I don't know if starting with a letter does your story any good. In my opinion, the letter is actively hurting you. There's no compelling hook that would get me to finish reading the letter as a reader, let alone turn the page to the next chapter. You don't need to open your story with a murder or fireballs or people in danger of their lives to attract readers. But you do need to have a hook in that first opening sentence or paragraph, so you can convince them to read the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that, until they've read the entire Look Inside sample on Amazon and they decide they want to keep reading so they buy your book. There are some literary examples where the entire story is told via letters exchanged between characters, but that kind of thing is not often seen in genre fiction. I suggest checking out some examples in your genre of letters that are well executed, and taking note of how they are used. Brandon Sanderson uses epigraphs masterfully in both the Mistborn books and the Stormlight Archive books. Some of the epigraphs are letters or extracts from in-world books and they tend to relate thematically to the chapters they're attached to. He also does fun things like inserting broadsheets between chapters in the second series of Mistborn books. I hope this was useful for you and I look forward to seeing how you go! Leng fucked around with this message at 13:12 on Nov 8, 2021 |
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Nov 8, 2021 13:07
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Thank you all for the responses! I've been adding a little bit more but not much, so if you stopped at Katsumi's confession, there are a few more paragraphs, FYI. Just doing some bullet points of the standout critiques and stuff: -Good to know the letter isn't working. The plan, initially, was to use it as a sort of rhythm/structure when my plan was a bunch of books-they'd all open up on by Fuyumi to Haruka (who by the time of the 'second letter' at the start of the second book would be on the road, away from home, and this would be how they'd communicate) which would act as light in-universe recaps (the equivalent of a "Previously, on...") as well as a way to get her reaction to Haruka's adventures, and update Haruka on what's going on at home since the group won't be returning for a long time. So this Yamamoto letter was a way to set up that consistent beat/beginning while still having Haruka be at home. But if it ain't working, I can absolutely cut it and try and put back the information it contains in the main text. -I am glad that I have a good grasp on my characters, at least according to Nae, DropTheAnvil, and one other person (with who I shared it elsewhere). I'll definitely try to keep that up. But I also will definitely rewrite some of the dialogue to be less exposition-driven. -You are right, Anvil, that Consequences for Haruka's actions are coming up. -This is supposed to be Fantasy Not!Japan, Leng, and I am trying to seek out people to assist, but I am going to pepper some other aspects in: I have a vague outline for this area's Not!Ainu, and Journey To The West is another thing I'm pulling on (mostly the "heaven as a bureaucracy" thing). -I should mention that I do have a person who I'm getting some input from that isn't as experienced in this as all of you, but is making up for it by being the closest thing I have to a target audience on hand: My younger sister, who loves YA fantasy stories. I was actually initially kind of dithery on the honorifics thing, but after explaining to her why Saburo was being called "Ryuga-sama" and what it meant when Mizuko dropped the honorifics and called Haruka only by her name, she was like "This is going to be footnote hell if you want normal people to read it. Just use "Lord Ryuga" and stuff!" and I admitted she had a point. Anyway, will try and do a sweep to catch things you mentioned at some point, but I do have schoolwork so it might be slow or take a bit.
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Nov 9, 2021 04:47
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hey op have u tried being good and not being bad
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Nov 9, 2021 09:05
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Hey, just hopping in to say that school, throwing up at 3 AM, sister volleyball games and the like has kept me slightly busy but I'm still trying to push forward. And also my birthday is coming up so I'm going to be celebrating that, but I'm not dead, and I've excised the letter at the start per requests.
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Nov 17, 2021 00:50
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I love it when a random bit of curiosity gives you some Inspiration. I just idly wondered what the days of the week were called in Japanese, and upon looking it up, I Realized An Idea that will help me quite a bit in a greater plot outline since all I really had was the equivalent of a wacky monster of the week episode in a fantasy action TV series. Anyway, I figure a brief outline/sketch of the rest of the 'book' wouldn't go awry just as an update to show that I do have something I'm working on. Basically, at the point where I'm writing, Saburo is confronting Mitsuaki in his house. Saburo is working off what he said-assumptions of spies in the province sowing sympathy towards Genma, who are rebelling against the Emperor. Mitsuaki denies this, and Saburo assumes that inside the shrine, behind the rock in front of the mountain is a secret rebel hideout, using superstition to hide from the locals. Saburo drags Mitsuaki back up to the shrine (Haruka and Katsumi are hiding in the undergrowth at a distance on Katsumi's assistance that Saburo is a big guy with a metal sword and they can't really stand up to him), throwing him to the ground and breaking one of his legs so he can't run while he goes to move the boulder. Haruka, at this point, has Had Enough and gets out of the undergrowth to try and stop Saburo (She still has the wooden training sword.). Katsumi thinks that Haruka is being stupid but at least helps Mitsuaki retreat while Haruka and Saburo fight. Haruka puts up a good effort, her father having taught her good fundamentals, but in a battle between metal and wood, metal is going to win, so all she can do is dodge and annoy-and even then, her stamina starts to give out and she takes a few gashes, losing a sleeve. Katsumi returns and in a desperate move, tackles Saburo directly into the boulder. Scraped hand skin of Saburo's gets blood on the boulder, and the pain distracts for a moment but he quickly recovers, swiftly trying to end Katsumi (who fell down as a result of the tackle and wasn't as fast to get up). Haruka blocks the sword with hers, but the practice sword shatters at the hilt, sending the blade flying but buying Katsumi enough time to get up and get back. Haruka, holding onto nothing but an empty hilt, throws it at Saburo's head as a last-ditch effort, doing nothing but annoying him for another second. And then there is a loud cracking sound... and the boulder cracks at the area where Saburo's blood was on it, slowly rippling through the rest of the boulder. Saburo cheers, assuming that he was correct in that there were rebel spies hiding and they are finally coming. The boulder finally breaks, shattering into a bunch of fist-to-head-sized bits and dust. Out of the entrance, a tall figure approaches. The dust obscures his appearance, and Saburo readies his sword to strike down a traitorous rebel to the Emperor. Moving in, he slashes... and the figure effortlessly dodges and lands a punch strong enough to knock Saburo back several feet. The dust clears. The man... is a black dragon. He walks like a human on two legs and is wearing a blue robe, but he's clearly a dragon-scales, long whisker, a tail, clawed hands and feet. Saburo gasps and feigns showing reverence, but the dragon tells him to stop. "The stone could only be broken with the blood of a person more sinful than I... and it's your blood that was on it." The dragon goes in to strike at Saburo, who puts up an effort to defend himself, but the dragon is too fast and strong, and soon, the dragon grabs Saburo by his armor and tosses him into the mountain's side. Saburo screams loudly in the air until the moment he collides, with a sickening crack cutting him silent. Dragon then turns to Haruka and Katsumi and tells them that the man who attacked them is gone and they are safe. Katsumi is shocked and Haruka, awed, but then they hear the sounds of the soldiers approaching the shrine's edge-they heard Saburo's scream before he died and are going to look for him. Katsumi says that a dead general would instantly put this village on massive watch and that the military would be scouring for the killer, and they're very close so they have to hide, now, and Mitsuaki is also in danger. That's about where the end of the 'detailed' sketch ends. Basically: -Haruka tells Mitsuaki to hide while Katsumi and the dragon head into the forest. After Mitsuaki's safe, Haruka goes to them. -The two finally allow themselves a moment to react to HOLY HELL THE LEGEND WAS REAL. The dragon, for his part, states that he is Not going to answer questions about his past, at least not at the moment and that while worship and honor are great and all that's not what he's here for. -Realizing that they can't just call him "Sir Dragon", Katsumi comes up with a quick name-Hisui (A play on the dragon's known heritage of a volcano god and the daughter of the ocean dragon king: 'Hisui' usually means 'jade' but the kanji for fire, 火, can be read 'hi', and the kanji for water, 水, can be read 'sui'). -Hisui does give a few broad details: He's been 'detained' for about 1000 years, there was an inscription on the inside of the boulder that he could see with a map and a short poem (that's where the 'blood of a person more sinful than I' came from) that told him what he was to do the day that he was let free. -Haruka and Katsumi introduce themselves briefly and then realize that they should get back home so that they can have alibis. Hisui says he'll go with Haruka. When Haruka asks how he'll blend in, Hisui focuses for a moment, and then shifts into a human, still wearing his blue robe. -Katsumi splits away and Haruka and Hisui head back to Haruka's house using the forest's shortcuts and secrets that her father taught her. -The two arrive at home (Hisui claims to be a traveling monk) just in time to lie to some officers, who are immediately suspicious because Saburo was just talking about this house full of awful women beforehand and now he's gone missing, but Fuyumi says that they haven't seen him and that Haruka was nowhere near the shrine. The officers don't fully buy it but have other people to pressure for answers so they leave. -Fuyumi sees right through Haruka and knows that she had something to do with this. Haruka acquiesces but Hisui steps in stating unequivocally that he was the one who killed Saburo and that he did a good thing by doing it. Fuyumi agrees that a world without him is probably better off, but the action will still have consequences. After this, it gets sketchier: Haruka (and Katsumi when he rejoins) state that they should probably leave town because they're suspicious. Hisui asks what's going on with the 'Empire', and Katsumi explains the civil war/rebellion going on with Genma. Hisui says he sensed strange things in the dragon veins that run throughout the country and says that he thinks there's supernatural influence happening. He also explains that the map on his prison's 'lock' had 7 'springs' marked: Fire, Water, Wood, Gold, Earth, Moon, and Sun, and that the poem mentioned: "Cleansing the black" in the springs-and that the Gold Spring is the closest. Haruka jumps at the opportunity to stop the civil war to save and protect her father and Kogane, and Katsumi reluctantly joins in because he's more well-learned. After that, it's pure rough draft for individual Spring locations and their 'adventures' (Moon's is the one I have most sketched out: A disguise and social story in a theatre with the group dealing with a mysterious villain using the power of an artifact called the Mask of Lies and it's illusion and deception, with a gay romance blooming between two male actors and a chance for Katsumi to be the lead by virtue of a mystery that can't be brute-forced or magicked), as well as characters and moments, but... well, road trip. I know the big stops, but there's surprises to be found on the way. I only just had the Spring idea today as a thing for the group to be looking for and seeking.
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Nov 22, 2021 04:36
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Urgh... the world sucks sometimes. My grandfather on my mother's side has been dealing with cancer for the last few years and he's reached the point where treatments aren't working. He's going to die in the next few days, it's a medical certainty. So I'm going to be... busy, and probably not in the most creative of moods.
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Nov 23, 2021 05:25
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I took the advice offered and edited/changed up the opening to reduce clunky exposition between Haruka and Katsumi. I've also slowly been chipping away at adding more at the end.
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Dec 17, 2021 19:37
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Do I overuse names in my dialogue? I showed what I had to a smart writer friend and they mentioned that stood out to them, and I just want a second, less personal opinion on that.
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Dec 27, 2021 18:58
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Hey, it's been a hot minute! I recently got a burst of writing and managed to squeeze out a few pages. As always, the book's here. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u9qXLOZdwOUmykZquv3d8qcuBSdnjI0oPNjetUeiyjY/edit?usp=sharing Haruka and Saburo had a brief swordfight but it's one-sided due to the fact that Haruka is a teenage girl with a wooden sword, and Saburo has a metal one and is also a grown trained man. One of Haruka's strikes has Saburo stumble into the boulder that the "Drowning Sinner Dragon" is apparently imprisoned behind, and Saburo's hand is scraped by the stone, getting blood on it. Shortly afterward, the boulder crumbles into a bunch of fragments, revealing a cave entrance. A figure approaches from behind the rock dust, and Saburo (who was tasked with locating rebel sympathizers in the region and assumed they were hiding in there) tries to interrogate them. The figure, however, moves quickly and kicks Saburo so hard he goes flying. The figure's the Drowning Sinner Dragon. Saburo tries to plead and beg for his life, but the dragon doesn't buy it and sends Saburo flying into the mountainside, killing him.
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Apr 28, 2022 03:40
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