|
PD808 posted:Boys, I've been a henchman for almost 10 years, and I haven't gotten away with whatcha'd call a successful crime the whole time...excepting maybe a crime of fashion? Look at these loving tights! I don't think you "get" the whole being a henchmen. Branch out with a gimmick and I'll come work for you.
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 09:33
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 18:51 |
|
|
So I'm thinking I've henched for a couple years now, and it's time to step up and lead a crew. But you know the hardest part? Thinking up a gimmick! All the good ones are taken! So I like trains, I think, maybe I'll be like an old timey engineer, we can blow whistles, wear pocket watches, you know? But then someone says, "Eyyy, don't do ANYTHING with watches, or clocks, or whatever. The Clock King don't like that. He'll come and close you down." OK, so I think, what should I be doing instead? I'm from New Orleans originally, before moving to Gotham (what a mistake THAT was!), and I think, maybe I do some kind of bayou act? You know, get a crocodile, yeah, you know where this is going. Croc King just ate the last guy who even thought about getting some trained lizards. So that's out. Maybe we don't have a gimmick? We just, I don't know, hit banks and stuff on holidays, when everyone is home with their families? You know, run jobs just on Christmas, Easter, --- what? Wait, WHAT? You're kidding me. You've gotta be kidding me! Maybe I should just stick to henching.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 15:52
|
|
|
I used to do some henching for Stalingrad, turns out there's some kind of loophole for legacy and tribute acts. Of course any new face is gonna have trouble getting henchmen until they prove themselves and get money up front. Getting paid after the job is just asking for the boss to shoot you so you don't get a cut. And don't make the mistake of working for a grad student on spec, there's no money in stealing rare books on stalinology from campus libraries. Dude just get an interlibrary loan.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 16:36
|
|
|
Listen, I'm not complaining about a free meal, but uh.... Joker fish? Are these things safe to eat? No, I know they're cooked. But the drat thing was smiling when you tossed it in the pan, that ain't normal.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 16:45
|
|
|
So I says to the boss I says "Boss" I says "what if we captcha da Bat and we all get in a circle and then we all masturbate to completion while he has to watch and then we jerk him off too and he can do NUTTIN about it!"
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 16:53
|
|
|
A Fancy Hat posted:Listen, I'm not complaining about a free meal, but uh.... Joker fish? Are these things safe to eat? No, I know they're cooked. But the drat thing was smiling when you tossed it in the pan, that ain't normal. They're The Snack That Smiles Back!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 16:58
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:So I'm thinking I've henched for a couple years now, and it's time to step up and lead a crew. But you know the hardest part? Thinking up a gimmick! All the good ones are taken! They ain't kidding, you shoulda seen how Calendar Man got steamed over the Holiday Killer, they say the Bat himself consulted the guy in Arkham and everything. Then again, last I heard there's three Jokers runnin' around all at the same time. Maybe explains why they never seem to die, there's a new one waitin' in the wings every time...
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 17:14
|
|
|
Eyy, I GOT it! How bout dis. 'Pretzel Man' . No no, now hear me out ova hea. See what we do is, we get a guy dressed in a pretzel costume and get him on da news, just, jaywalkin', appearin' at da mall, bein' all weird. Jus ta get people's attention yous know. Den we offa 'free pretzels' around da city. At da ball pahk, door ta door, at hot dawg vendas, all ova! Dat SAME DAY, Jimmy ova hea, well he works for da city, see? He turns off all da wata! All ova town! Now everybody ate dem pretzels and dey ain't got nuttin ta drink! See! Den we get Pretzel Man on da nightly news and HE says 'Deliver me a ransom and I'll turn ya precious wata back on, see!' Whadda ya mean 'how much'? I dunno? 2, maybe 3 hundred dollas? How much you think all them pretzels'd cost us? Probably 'bout dat I guess eh Jim?
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 17:24
|
|
|
OK, I gots it. I'm gonna be "Emerald Man", or sommat like dat. Maybe try'n do one o' dem Irish accents; you know, like my cousin Fin, over in Star City has? Gonna only steal emeralds or whatever. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Any color of gems is fine. That works. I'll put dem in like a leprechaun kettle, you know? Those pots, or whatever? So maybe we lean into that? I wear all green? I get a little green hat, and a green suit, and--- -- "Riddler"? Who? What? OH, COME ON!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 17:33
|
|
|
Hey, what about things that are, like, out of copyright and poo poo. Take something from, I don't know, Alice in Wonderland? No one's gonna have taken something from that!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 17:57
|
|
|
Ok, ok... "Jawnny Appleseed". You can't eat da seeds, theys poisonous! Who's gonna fight a poison guy? Nobody! You just walk in and be like 'yo I'm toxic gimme whatava'.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 18:06
|
|
|
Hey new guy, you want to last around here, there are few simple rules. First, never just look him in one eye. If you stick to the nice side, he'll realize you are grossed out by the nasty side and it hurts his feelings. If you only look in the big crooked pus-dripping eye, you're gonna make yourself sick, and that's even worse than avoiding it. Just focus on the bridge of his nose. I always try to look at a bunch of burn victims on the internet before I'm going to have a long conversation with him. Gets me ready. Second, if you need something, always give him 2 options that don't set you back. Need a car for a job? Propose he spring for a shiny new Mercedes, or a dirty used BMW... it's all about framing his choices. Third, if there are any twins among your friends and family, do NOT let him know. He gets a little creepy. Also, one of them will probably end up disfigured eventually. Fourth, just go along with it when he talks about what a good person he used to be. Most of the boys got prosecuted by him and his deputies back in the day, and he was a real piece of poo poo. Overcharged cases and fought for high bail so indigent defendants had to plead out just to go home; constant Brady violations; he would recharge cases after the Gotham Innocence Project exonerated some of the people he wrongfully convicted; he seemed to relish separating families and inflicting generational trauma with long prison sentences even for non-violent first offenders... You know prosecutors can do as much damage to minority communities as racist cops, right? Read *the New Jim Crow* sometime. poo poo, he's a better person for Gotham NOW. I mean, 50% of the time we end up giving our loot to charity! But just go with it when he laments about what a saint he used to be, no need to rock the boat. Finally, and this is THE most important rule, if he pulls out his coin and you don't know WHY. you gotta make an excuse to get out of there before he flips it. He may be choosing between decaf and espresso, or he may be about to kill us all in the name of "good." Or maybe "evil"? Who loving knows...
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 18:42
|
|
|
I got it. A Lovecraft based villain. No, I won't be calling people that word. Yeah, guess I better keep thinking.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 18:45
|
|
|
*flipping through an encyclopedia* Penguin? No. Pig? Eh? There's a 'Pyg'? And he looks like a pig? I'll keep that as a maybe. Poison! Poison... Poison Ivy? No. Professor...Professor... Naw, he's got a couple o' professor enemies already. Who knew this would be so hard?
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 18:56
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:*flipping through an encyclopedia* What about….da poisonous pill? You could do some riddler choice stuff,kidnap people and make em choose between 2 pills? Ooh we could all dress up as pill boxes with big PP’s on em!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 19:13
|
|
|
Ghost Leviathan posted:Either that or he really thinks that anyone's fooled by a mask when there's literally only two guys in Star City who have that beard. And that rear end, those tights aren't hiding anything Oliver. *Lifts clown gas canister into truck*
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 19:21
|
|
|
I am sickened by the heinous crimes I've committed, even though I was forced into them by my family being threatened by the Penguin's goons. Now that they're all dead because of a Joker gas attack, I can dedicate myself to the cause of vigilante justice, inspired by the Darknight Detective himself! I'll embrace nonlethal means and cerebral investigative work, with an eye toward collecting untainted evidence that can be used by the justice system to send irredeemable crooks away on solid cases while trying to rehabilitate those who haven't been lost for good. This is how I'll balance the scales of justice for the wrongs I've done, even under terrible duress! *Two weeks later, is found dangling by his ankle from a lightpost, tied up by a Bat-rope, pockets bulging with planted cocaine, for daring to try to improve on someone's shtick*
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 19:35
|
|
|
Just once I would like to wear gloves that don’t leave my fingers bare.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 19:42
|
|
|
Hey, uh, Mr. Scarecrow, sir. Sorry to interrupt you, but uh... I'm putting in my two weeks notice. Oh jeez, sorry, didn't realize you had guests! Woah, is that gorilla talking? Holy poo poo. Wait, is that freakin' Lex Luthor? The businessman? Oh man, my cousin is gonna love this! He's always telling me CEOs are evil!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 19:55
|
|
|
Brazilianpeanutwar posted:What about….da poisonous pill? You could do some riddler choice stuff,kidnap people and make em choose between 2 pills? I love it. We can start going after the big Pharma family that lobbied doctors into overprescribing joker gas for everything, leading Gotham into an epidemic of clown gas addiction
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:00
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:I love it. We can start going after the big Pharma family that lobbied doctors into overprescribing joker gas for everything, leading Gotham into an epidemic of clown gas addiction Hey hey, now, uh I mean we're still gonna NEED poison pills made though so like...I dunno maybe don't get em TOO riled up
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:02
|
|
|
We just have to start cutting Joker Gas with fentanyl, and we can double our profits.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:12
|
|
|
I'll set up shop in the abandoned...pharmaceuticals factory? They have one of those in this town, too? Man, the recession really must have hit Gotham hard.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:12
|
|
|
poisonpill posted:I'll set up shop in the abandoned...pharmaceuticals factory? There are like three of them. I can't understand what any company would willingly set up shop in this shithole city. They must be getting amazing tax breaks.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:17
|
|
|
No wonder security at Arkham is so terrible. They’ve had three escapes this month and still laid off half of their staff. Meanwhile Bruce Wayne gets ANOTHER tax break for, you gotta read this, and I quote: “Establishing a committee to explore private sector solutions to Joker Gas emissions.” What the hell does that mean?!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:32
|
|
|
Oh you'd think after getting 30 million in a bank heist you'd have it made. Not accounting for clown makeup
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:48
|
|
|
Outrail posted:There are like three of them. I can't understand what any company would willingly set up shop in this shithole city. They must be getting amazing tax breaks. Youse gots it all backwards... the Joker and Riddler and Penguin and Freeze and Bane and all us guys and our dastardly deeds, we are HELPING these corporations with the tax breaks! Thanks to the crown prince o' crime and his buddies, Gotham has been flooded, gassed, burned, frozen, sent insane, and what have you so many times the feds made it a permanent disaster relief area. Dese fat cats get to build factories here knowing they will never stay open, they get huge writeoffs and government loans to be "job creators," then when Harley or Killer Croc or whomever blows up the neighborhood the corporation gets to write the whole place off as a loss, putting whatever inflated value on it they want. Then they sell it to the next guy who's going to "revitalize Gotham," and Bob's yer uncle. If we waz smart, we'd be asking GM and Amazon and Tyson to pay US for our capers...
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:54
|
|
|
PD808 posted:Youse gots it all backwards... the Joker and Riddler and Penguin and Freeze and Bane and all us guys and our dastardly deeds, we are HELPING these corporations with the tax breaks! I'd rather take a job with loving Scarecrow before getting close to an Amazon warehouse. I've got standards.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:57
|
|
|
Bezos is just Lex Luthor's secret identity i mean duh.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 20:57
|
|
|
Tunicate posted:Bezos is just Lex Luthor's secret identity i mean duh. Isn't your secret identity supposed to be less evil than your villain persona?
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 21:03
|
|
|
Dat woke dork Clark Kent just did a whole report on Cat woman’s new costume. It just ain’t sexy no more!
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 21:13
|
|
|
I can't figure something out. Last week, Batman burst through the skylight into the abandoned warehouse hideout and got some of the boys, but not before Big Tony gave him a couple across the jaw and Rico slashed him with a knife. I have to give him some credit, he's a tough sonuvabitch and good in a fight even when you've got four-five guys trying to dogpile him. But I just saw on the news that earlier today while the Justice League was captured and powerless, Batman escaped and took out three "White Martians" without a scratch before freeing the rest of his pals, who then saved the Earth. I don't know what a White Martian is, but besides sounding like it wears a robe and hood if you know what I mean, they sound like bad news if they could capture the whole Justice League, and I bet three of them are tougher than Big Tony and Rico put together by a drat sight. So what's the deal? Is "our" Batman some sort of understudy or apprentice or something? Or is he just loving around with us and letting us think we've got a shot?
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 21:50
|
|
|
I bet this “justice league saves the planet” crap is just an excuse for them to go and have big expensive orgies on an island somewhere.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 22:26
|
|
|
Hey did you guys hear that Mr Freeze started his own Justice League? Yeah he calls it the Gotham Society for Legal Fairness and Oversight.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 22:36
|
|
|
Admiralty Flag posted:I can't figure something out. Last week, Batman burst through the skylight into the abandoned warehouse hideout and got some of the boys, but not before Big Tony gave him a couple across the jaw and Rico slashed him with a knife. I have to give him some credit, he's a tough sonuvabitch and good in a fight even when you've got four-five guys trying to dogpile him. It's all fake news, there's no aliens and poo poo that's just some douchbag in a rubber mask and some special effects.
|
|
#
?
Jan 27, 2022 22:44
|
|
|
I need 18 more of youse henches. we're gonna be the covid 19 and terrorize old folks homes e: no it ain't topical, it's endemic
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2022 00:29
|
|
|
The Voice of Labor posted:I need 18 more of youse henches. we're gonna be the covid 19 and terrorize old folks homes Don't think the union will let us work with biohazard-themed villains. Batman is scary and all that but I ain't loving around with OSHA.
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2022 00:36
|
|
|
We’re the poison pills, you hear me? We do pill-themed robberies, we hijack medicine shipments, and we wear pill bottle costumes and pill capsule masks. And the best part, our gimmick, is that if we get arrested, it’s all part of the plan! Hey, where are you all going?
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2022 00:41
|
|
|
I think I am going to go work for a Captain Planet villain and just dump toxic waste in the river or something.
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2022 00:45
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 18:51 |
|
|
poisonpill posted:We’re the poison pills, you hear me? These idiot villain bosses are getting to your head. Can we just sell fentanyl like every other criminal underworld?
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2022 00:48
|
|