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Billa

The Emperor protects.

Viginti Septem posted:

Maybe, or you just haven't found the right people irl yet. Byob is a cauldron of people who don't fit into normal society the "right" way (whatever that means). Ever thought about starting a YouTube channel or Twitch stream or similar? I feel like there's something that everyone has within them that others want to know about.

No, no loving way I could do that man. With my Parkinson and poo poo I'd feel terrible, besides, when I get nervous and stuff I stammer. I'd like to write a book though (not about the conditions, but about science fiction).

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Viginti Septem

Oculus Noctuae
Well poo poo. Then let's write a book!

https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4
Thanks to vanisher for the paradise sig! :)

Billa

The Emperor protects.

Viginti Septem posted:

Well poo poo. Then let's write a book!

Let's do it then, even if I only write 1 page a week, it will be more than what im doing right now which is 0 pages per year.

deep dish peat moss

Billa posted:

I think that's all.

I can relate to a whole lot of this post and I wish you the best, Billa. It's a tough place to be in!



My life situation still pretty much sucks BUT!! Two weeks into PTSD meds and they're doing a lot of good. They're supposed to take a month to really kick in, my mindstate has improved immensely already so I am feeling hopeful about the future for now :unsmith:

Billa

The Emperor protects.

deep dish peat moss posted:

I can relate to a whole lot of this post and I wish you the best, Billa. It's a tough place to be in!



My life situation still pretty much sucks BUT!! Two weeks into PTSD meds and they're doing a lot of good. They're supposed to take a month to really kick in, my mindstate has improved immensely already so I am feeling hopeful about the future for now :unsmith:

My recommendation is to keep going, the first weeks are the worst because you have chemical hangover and the side effects are horrible, but after a while you get used to it and they disappear and leave "mostly" the good stuff.

Ominous Jazz

Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style
I'm cranky, I'm underpaid, I'm sober (derogatory) and I'm stressed. My new job is cheeks. Literally all I do all day is make the same part over and over.

I don't think I'm losing time but I feel like I'm only halfway there and that my day slips away from me too fast and it's scary

Billa

The Emperor protects.

Ominous Jazz posted:

I'm cranky, I'm underpaid, I'm sober (derogatory) and I'm stressed. My new job is cheeks. Literally all I do all day is make the same part over and over.

I don't think I'm losing time but I feel like I'm only halfway there and that my day slips away from me too fast and it's scary

I feel you brother. I once worked for Amazon in Germany (I'm Spanish so I had to move from country) and it was the worst decision ever. The job was exactly as you have described, except in my case I was a server technician and IT support. I quit after 6 months and went back to Spain. Then I started my whole detox therapy from fentanyl and oxycodone.

Maybe you need to find something that fulfills you more than your current job? You got only 1 life brother.

Ominous Jazz

Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style
Yeah I'm interviewing today lol

Billa

The Emperor protects.

Ominous Jazz posted:

Yeah I'm interviewing today lol

Owned! Good luck man!

Ominous Jazz

Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style
It went bad

Billa

The Emperor protects.

God drat it, what happened?

Ominous Jazz

Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style
I was nervous on my lunch break and they asked me technical questions that I don't have the ability to say "oh I know, it's this this and this" or just say "I would discretely Google this"

Ominous Jazz

Big D is chillin' over here
Wasteland style
I could be overstating it I've got zero self esteem lately

Billa

The Emperor protects.

Ominous Jazz posted:

I could be overstating it I've got zero self esteem lately

It's okay dude, everybody has problems so try to stay positive and keep looking for other ways to live. At least you have tried which is more than most people do. You should be proud.

deep dish peat moss

I added more meds, I guess I am on a full trauma regimen now and it's a lot. One of them is Welbutrin and geeze, I've done this twice before and the first week or two are always rough. Just a constant high level nervous, restless anxiety that makes me non-functional. Like a week or two of just staring off into space worrying about things. At least it'll make me quit smoking too.

I also bombed a job interview yesterday because I was so anxious I was throwing up all morning, lmao

deep dish peat moss

I wish grounding techniques and stuff worked with this medication-induced anxiety but they don't, that's the worst part of it. There's nothing I can do to calm down right now

Viginti Septem

Oculus Noctuae
Sorry DDPM, that sucks.

I'm a wreck right now too.

https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4
Thanks to vanisher for the paradise sig! :)

Sarah Cenia

Laying in the forest, by the water
Underneath these ferns
You'll never find me
this is real dumb but im feeling that stupid jealousy? thing when your buddy gets a girl/boyfriend and suddenly they aren't around or they're always checking their phone and stuff
you know, normal poo poo people do when they enter a relationship

I thought this went away after, like, school. Lol.




thanks deep dish peat moss and big black turnout!!

Quadramind

Nah, bud. We are children until death, I'm afraid.

Try to laugh it off and forgive your self as you would a friend who's temporarily lost their chill.

My inner child is all kinds of upset right now, and it's inconveniencing me to no end, but they're a child, y'know? Just need some smiles and understanding, and maybe cartoons

baka of lathspell

i have returned as silent (lol) custodian & watchful guardian of this thread

ty all for posttttttttttttttttttting means a lot

Sarah Cenia posted:

this is real dumb but im feeling that stupid jealousy? thing when your buddy gets a girl/boyfriend and suddenly they aren't around or they're always checking their phone and stuff
you know, normal poo poo people do when they enter a relationship

I thought this went away after, like, school. Lol.

people should learn to balance relationships imo


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baka of lathspell

Billa posted:

No, no loving way I could do that man. With my Parkinson and poo poo I'd feel terrible, besides, when I get nervous and stuff I stammer. I'd like to write a book though (not about the conditions, but about science fiction).

yo dogg & orb i love writing sf and trust me its the only worthwhileo thing in my lfie

Sarah Cenia

Laying in the forest, by the water
Underneath these ferns
You'll never find me
yo
I dinno if this is a revelation or just bullshit but I feel like the only time I'm really happy is in the times where I'm needed more than anyone else

if I'm your right hand, if im your jack of all trades, I'll ride with you to the end

when it comes to my own life, I'm the wreck of the Hesperus

not complaining or whatever. I dunno. I feel half crazy all of the time anyway.

Gonna try to get an ADHD diagnosis maybe soon?




thanks deep dish peat moss and big black turnout!!

baka of lathspell

Sarah Cenia posted:

yo
I dinno if this is a revelation or just bullshit but I feel like the only time I'm really happy is in the times where I'm needed more than anyone else

if I'm your right hand, if im your jack of all trades, I'll ride with you to the end

when it comes to my own life, I'm the wreck of the Hesperus

not complaining or whatever. I dunno. I feel half crazy all of the time anyway.

Gonna try to get an ADHD diagnosis maybe soon?

i have a similar vibe, like its nice to be needed and make others feel better

inside i am some kinda grey slate

the adhd people wont deal with me anymore cuz i kept making appointments and not feeling like dealing with them lol

e: ah i kinda me'd up as is my wont, ty V ddpm for posting somethin more thoughtful.

baka of lathspell fucked around with this message at 00:11 on Jul 9, 2023

deep dish peat moss

Sarah Cenia posted:

yo
I dinno if this is a revelation or just bullshit but I feel like the only time I'm really happy is in the times where I'm needed more than anyone else

if I'm your right hand, if im your jack of all trades, I'll ride with you to the end

when it comes to my own life, I'm the wreck of the Hesperus

not complaining or whatever. I dunno. I feel half crazy all of the time anyway.

Gonna try to get an ADHD diagnosis maybe soon?


For what it's worth this was me too for sure, and I got diagnosed with PTSD and got on some meds for that which helped immensely and also took care of my ADHD, because it turns out ADHD can be a symptom of PTSD. (Also I'm not diagnosing you with PTSD or anything, just giving an example of one way that it can go that actually worked)

if you read this you might relate to one of the archetypes. For me it was the Lost Child but I think they can pretty much all lead to this feeling of putting other people above yourself. Or maybe not but that's cool too and could eliminate one possible thing to look into :tipshat:

quote:

"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"

This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."
These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

quote:

This child can take one of two paths. First is the super independent child, who can handle everything for themselves. Leave me alone, Iíll do it for myself. Remember the abiding belief for this child is that I must not burden anyone, ever. So Iíll do it.

The other path is that this child becomes socially awkward and uncomfortable with others. If the focus moves to them, they panic. They are unable to express emotion, because they have learned it doesnít pay.

These chidlren tend to become attached to pets and toys rather than people, although one super close friend is not uncommon. Remember, they have learned that emotions are pointless in their family, because no one is paying any attention anyway. So they shut down and hide, often in plain sight.

Because this child never learns how to forge normal, healthy relationships, seeming aloofness is their norm.


(now I'm just dealing with finding the right antidepressant which suuuuuuucks)

deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 00:22 on Jul 9, 2023

Sarah Cenia

Laying in the forest, by the water
Underneath these ferns
You'll never find me
thanks for sharing your experiences and thanks for letting me vent to internet strangers.

yesterday was actually one of the best days i've had in a long time.
afterward i was so restless. lately I can't sit still and I can't figure out what the hell I want to do. I woke up too early and spent at least 2 hours this morning pacing cause I couldn't settle on where to go or what to do. then nothing happened and I spent the next half hour, like, not-crying? stuff is just falling out of my face unprompted.
my brain swung around, going from that to being chill a few times.
I feel super clingy around people and just weird now, like more on the outside than usual. Im having a hard time handling change in my own life or the way other people's lives change and how it affects our interactions. it feels like this is the dusk of what might be the last of the "good old days" for a while.
I dunno. feels like something bad will happen soon and change things. but for a good half year now I've just barely been treading water and have been caught up in how hosed everything else is for everyone. the current of that.

I'll be in an ok mood right now and in complete despair 2 hours later. then bored and spacey and restless and bad and ok and paralyzed and social and then reclusive and exhausted and then maybe ok again.can't really get anything done like that. I can't even relax on my off time because for my brain it's it's too stressful to have to "deal" with having a limited amount of (free)time and too many options and things I need to do but don't want to do and all the other stuff I could do but also don't want to do. ridiculous.

I've been in a cycle of not sleeping and then relying upon beer/weed/caffeine to hold on long enough to make it to the next day. it's left me permanently broke and exhausted. like, past exhausted and rattling apart.

I'm gonna turn this wack poo poo in my life around though. gonna find a professional and try to get something going. and I'm gonna try cut down on the drinking and smoking and coffee-ing. that's the only way anything else can get done I think.

I'll write this now and surely will change my feelings by tonight when the pre-Monday despair sets in, but I'm gonna stick with it cause the only way out of this is through.




thanks deep dish peat moss and big black turnout!!

Viginti Septem

Oculus Noctuae
I'm not well.

I've had so much anxiety I've been on the verge of throwing up for the past two days.

https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4
Thanks to vanisher for the paradise sig! :)

deep dish peat moss

I just spent a week like that myself (and quit the meds that were doing it to me 2 days ago) and it sure is miserable :smith: My condolences VS

Papa Was A Video Toaster





I was so on edge and stressed at work today that the other guy sent me home early. I thought I liked my job but things keep going wrong and I just seem to make things worse.
All that to say: you are not alone


kalel

random vague rant: I have to do some work for a thing and then another thing and ughhh I don't wanna. I just want to keep relaxing

Viginti Septem

Oculus Noctuae
I can't even afford my meds anymore. Nor my therapy. I had to quit all my meds cold turkey and I've just plummeted.

https://i.imgur.com/9jTkSUL.mp4
Thanks to vanisher for the paradise sig! :)

baka of lathspell

been feeling so despairing too idk

we can all commiserableate


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Sarah Cenia

Laying in the forest, by the water
Underneath these ferns
You'll never find me
Hang in there orbs, sorry poo poo sux. I wish I could fix everyone's everything.




thanks deep dish peat moss and big black turnout!!

deep dish peat moss

I've been applying to 5-10 jobs every single day for 2 years now and in all of that time I've only got one call back, and it was for a job that expected 60+ hour weeks for under $30k/year with no benefits or insurance at all. poo poo sucks :smith:

Stoner Sloth

Sarah Cenia posted:

Hang in there orbs, sorry poo poo sux. I wish I could fix everyone's everything.

Quadramind

I'm sharing my current mantra, cos it's getting me through the toughest run of suffering I've ever had.

Within the self there is a peaceful sanctuary.

I wish you all a little peace. Be good to yourselves, orbs ♥

Quadramind

I've also been using a line I got from Adventure Time. My body is clay and my spirit feels no pain! It's dumb, but whatever works!

Abugadu

1st Sgt. Matthews and the men have Procured for me a cummerbund from a traveling gypsy, who screeched Victory shall come at a Terrible price. i am Honored.

Sarah Cenia posted:

Hang in there orbs, sorry poo poo sux. I wish I could fix everyone's everything.

Sarah Cenia

Laying in the forest, by the water
Underneath these ferns
You'll never find me
never been so relieved to have the one day off finally be over.
woke up exhausted and went through like 8 entire moods before finally deciding at 10 that maybe I could just burn the rest of the day by sleeping, but i couldn't sleep either.

i did tell, not ask my boss that I need to take a week off like pretty much asap though and I gotta figure that out. i consider myself to be pretty stoic otherwise but now im ground down, about 300% past my limit for bullshit, this has been an absolute hell of a past year, my only running car died for good on Monday and there's not a whole lot keeping me from imploding like a sub full of billionaires.

on the other hand i can sometimes harness this new crazy that i've started coming to terms with and can sort of redirect it into a manic restless horndog energy that might help me get poo poo done?




thanks deep dish peat moss and big black turnout!!

baka of lathspell

hang in there sc :unsmith:

idk how to get things done its hard


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deep dish peat moss

Edit: Nevermind I don't even want to post about this dumb stuff. Life is tough but at least I'm still on good meds :hellyeah:

deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 22:22 on Oct 18, 2023

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