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Aug 27, 2009

Lawful Neutral Paper Pusher Elemental.
What is EVE Online?

Variously described as “Spreadsheets in space”, “A worst-in-class PvE experience”, “Sociopaths Online”, and “The game for the Nerds who are to Nerds what Nerds are to Normal People”; EVE Online is a nineteen year old sci-fi sandbox MMO published by vikings from an island that smells, by all accounts, of farts and rotting fish. Despite their best efforts to the contrary and their well-earned forum emote ( :ccp: ), Eve continues to be one of the most compelling experiences in MMO gameplay.

Eve is unique in its single-sharded world. In other MMOs, servers are sharded to help balance load and otherwise scale the game. Eve takes place on a single server (unless you live in China.) Because of this, every mistake you make and every enemy you make are there to haunt you forever. Friendships and rivalries in Eve do not disappear, making things like “politics” and “diplomacy” actually matter.
That game takes place in a fully realised sci-fi universe, consisting of thousands of solar systems, interlinked by a web of interstellar jump-gates and divided into multiple zones:
  • High Security Space, where NPC empires enforce peace and the NPC police Concord enforce the appearance of security. A "neutral" ground for players to engage in commerce and production and for clever girls (hi globby) to extract mountains of salt from the bleating of pubbies who don't understand the basic fact that Concord punishes crime. It doesn't prevent it.
  • Low Security Space, where the tentative peace of the empires break down. Dominated by small gangs of extortionists pirates and players enrolled in NPC Faction militias; all trying their best to establish pockets of hegemony and stability. CCP has recently tried to increase the value of these regions by seeding certain types of basic minerals that are primarily found there, resulting in lowsec space actually being viable to live in for small to medium sized groups and having more things to "do" other than bot faction warfare sites and camp gates. Now there's actual honest to god mining there.
  • Null Security Space, where vast, player-controlled empires rise and fall as they jostle for influence, resources, and renown. This is where you can find The Goon.
  • Wormhole Space Above, below and through-out the zones outlined above, wormhole space is different things to different people. For many, wormhole space is a highway that can trim a 40+ jump trip down to 3 or 4 hops. For others, wormhole space are scary holes where bad man come from to savage peaceful krabbing encounters. For still others, it's a cozy little hobbit hole far removed from the hubbub and flexing of null security politics... at least until the wormhole cartels start eyeing your cozy hole for rental to russian or chinese botting farms.
  • Abyssal Space. A relatively recent addition, abyssal space is Eve's version of an instanced dungeon. You go in, do a thing for up to 20 minutes, and exit with a pile of loot. Some of which can be sold for cash, other items are lucrative on the market to feed the gambling addictions of eve billionaires and trillionaires.
  • Pochven. This space used to be a mixture of high security and low security systems. However, some triangle men got into a fight with some electricity men, and they disappeared their 27 systems into their own disconnected region that you get to by use of filaments and wormholes. The triangle men love triangles, so you see 27 systems are 3 x 9 and 9 is 3 x 3 so you see triangles everywhere. This has resulted in some hilarity in the eve universe. The trip from Jita to Amarr (two of the major market hubs in eve) used to be just 9 jumps away through high security space. Now a "safe" high security route is 45 jumps. Pochven has also led to some new social norms being discovered. See, for most of SA and EVE's coexistence, you could discover individuals with truly terrible poorly thought out opinions with just two facts: 1) Their SA forum name started with a D and 2) They posted in the Eve Online thread. Now, we can safely add a third fact to the list: 3) They post in the Eve thread about how great Pochven is. Narrator's voice: It isn't. Look, in my real life job, I bleed IT Azure DevOps. I get hard thinking about CI/CD pipelines. I'm all about agile development, iterations, and MVPs. It is a stretch to call Pochven an MVP. The system showers isk on a very small number of people in a poorly veiled attempt to gloss over how half-assed and incomplete the entire system is. If you are one of the 15-45 people making stupid amounts of isk, it's great. If you are not in the hand-shake cabal of sycophants slobbering to suckle from black and red veined teat of the triangle men, it's a waste of time and effort.
The resources from all these regions (except Pochven and Abyssal space) are vital to the overall economy, because in EVE Online all but the most basic of commodities are the result of hours of player interaction. Nearly everything of worth on the in-game market is the culmination of multiple resource chains that had to be extracted, refined, manufactured, shipped, and assembled. When that cumulation of hundreds of player hours ultimately ends up on the battlefield, if destroyed, it’s gone forever, leaving only scraps of loot and salvage for the victor to pick through.

This cycle of creative-destruction, and the ability to trade game time purchased for real money as an in-game commodity, creates a vibrant and meaningful sense of consequence and value. Here's a recent trailer showing an FC that bears a striking resemblence to Asher Elias and some decently accurate depictions of modern eve fights (and good music).

Why should I play EVE Online?
Peeps, I ask this question to myself every day. I've played eve since 2007, been in Goonswarm/Goonswarm Federation since 2010, been in charge of alliance reimbursement since 2011, and been continuously subscribed the entire time. Why? Why the hell am I putting myself in constant contact with lazy bums who can't be bothered to read a simple set of rules, log into jabber, or otherwise somehow expect their entire gaming experience to be curated and catered to their every whim?

I think it's because in addition to the beauty of the game (recently updated with new textures, graphics, and dx12), it's depth, the single sharded aspect, and the deeply social aspects. It’s rewarding in the depth and complexity of its mechanics; the breadth of experiences (some intended by the developers, many not), and the single-sharded aspect means that your decisions and choices matter. Develop a reputation for dumpstering the alliance's wealth, and never live it down. It’s the only game where War-Leader, Diplomat, Industrial Monopolist, Combat Photographer, Scam Artist, Day Trader, Messianic Cult Figure, Long-Haul trucker, Provocateur, Propagandist, and Spy are roles fully fleshed out and engaged in meaningful competition. Mastery of a role takes curiosity, skill, and dedication.

At its core, what really makes EVE is that it is a deeply social experience. Reliable friends and knowledgeable mentors make the most daunting challenges manageable. Jealousy, greed, and bitter rivalries create struggle and competition more meaningful than any game designer can script. The ever evolving tapestry of nebulous trust, rank betrayals, and alliances of convenience is one of the richest histories and mythologies in videogames. This is one of the few games that I regularly log into jabber and mumble to hang out with people just because they are my people, not because I plan to actually do anything in the game.

Let's see, what's been added to Eve since the last time you may have played:
  • Outposts were replaced with citadels. There are many different sizes and types, but overall, it's been a great improvement to making nullsec and lowsec space livable.
  • Third-party gambling sites were replaced with the Hypernet. So, you can now legitimately gamble in Eve online inside of the client. There are methods to stacking the deck in your favor, but honestly, it's a function I completely ignore. Some people really like it though.
  • Abyssal space. As I mentioned before, abyssal space has a chance to drop "mutaplasmids." These little darlings can unpredictably modify regular eve modules in unusual ways. Most of the time it makes your module crap, but sometimes you get some way better than officer level items. These items can be hard to value, but can swing small gang and solo encounters heavily in your favor. Ostensibly it scratches that random loot grind POE/Diablo itch, but in reality, it's after midnight and you wonder where all your billions of isk went while you stare at a pile of crap modules.
  • Pochven. 27 solar systems serving as a gigantic honeypot for the literal worst human beings logging into this terrible game.
  • Filaments. These little babies can take you and a few close friends yeeting across the galaxy looking for content. Great fun for an evening of jumping across the eve universe looking for dummies to kill and eventually being blobbed to your glorious death. These are a legit good addition to the game that give you that "evening of content" option that Eve has seriously lacked.
  • Black-Ops battleships can now jump other black ops battleships and anything around them with a covert cloak to a covert cyno. This is amazing. You haven't lived until your Panther jumps a bunch of fully-capped neut Redeemers on an enemy cap and you suck it dry, murder it, and cloak before anyone can respond.
  • Marauders are actually good. Yeah, paladins in delve have the biggest of BDE.
  • Supercarriers can fit a module so that people who take a certain long-lasting drug when they are podded they reappear next to the supercarrier in system, where they can hop into a new ship and fly back into the fight. Did I mention supercarriers can be tethered to a citadel while that module is on? Because it can.
  • POS. Yeah, POS are still a thing.
  • Pipe bombing is still a thing. It goes by various names, but a popular one is done with Proteus. This gem of an image was generated from the sweet, sweet local chat dropped by a member of Fraternity who was very upset by how many corm fleets we had deleted off the map:

:siren: MOD EDIT :siren:: As of Mid-July 2022, Goonswarm Federation is no longer affiliated with Something Awful. The below is kept for historical purposes, and should be seen in no way as an endorsement of Goonswarm, Goonwaffe, etc. If you're looking for a group to join, I'd check out the second post in this thread.

Yeah, I can't really recommend any particular group in Eve right now. The up-to-a-few-days-ago defacto SA organization, Goonswarm Federation, is undergoing some things right now as they grapple with what kind of organization they want to be as it pertains to harassment of minority groups. Those reforms are in draft and have yet to be published. Organizational leadership shuffles are in flux and who knows what the result will be. As new organizations are created and other organizations are reformed, I'll adjust here in consultation with the moderators and some others. For now, I just recommend sitting back and reading a thread that went from something like 8 pages to 96 in 4 days.

Goonswarm Federation: GoonWaffe

What is GoonWaffe?
GoonWaffe is our engine of economic, political, and military domination. A baroque construct of weaponized space-socialism intended to give you, the common goon, immediate access to everything that EVE has to offer. Our worker’s paradise is built on the shattered remains of those who would deny Goons a place in New Eden. Over a decade of pubbie tears grease the treads of our war-machine. We have gathered the hard-won lessons of our often incompetent and comical bumbling, and dedicated them to sanding off EVE’s rough edges, mentoring newbees, and making the experiences that set EVE apart as immediate and accessible as possible.

lol, and dare I say it, lmao. I'm not going to whisper sweet nothings into your ear while fingering your butthole like Querns did. Goonwaffe is a shell of a corporation that serves as the defacto holding corporation for the entire alliance. Goon logistics, ship replacement, industry, and fleet command hangers run through this corp. Anyone who is anyone space important in the alliance no matter what corporation they originally came from probably has an alt in Goonwaffe to be able to do their space job. There is no formal "corporate" leadership, no mentorship program, and nobody there to hold your hand at the corporate level. That's not to say there are not distinct advantages such as:
  • Nobody is there forcing you to log in every day. In fact, the "activity" requirements to remain in Goonwaffe are dead easy. Have done at least one of the following things in the past 60 days? Made a post on, logged into jabber, logged into mumble? Congrats, you are still in! Staying in Goonwaffe is as simple as being engaged in the community.
  • No paps/dkp/fleet requirements. Go on our ops or not. Your call. As long as you stay engaged in the community you are in.
  • Nobody expects anything from you. No seriously. If you have a goonwaffe tag you are assumed to be some jaded, mildly (majorly?) bitter war veteran who drinks and knows things, but is often too burdened with ennui to do any of them.

If you want Goonwaffe to work for you, you need to join an alliance SIG (special interest group) or Social group. Or be a solitary bushido warrior like this guy:

Some of the currently active groups:
  • GEF - Goon Expeditionary Force. This is a group that gets spun up for a specific campaign, it does it's thing, it's then purged and goes dormant for a bit, until the next mobilization campaign of less than full strength is needed.
  • Recon - Be the eyes of the Swarm. Changes to the game have made scouting more important than ever.
  • Pathfinders - We have a pretty cool app that makes mapping wormhole connections and getting from point A to point B easy-peasy. However, it needs people like you diving into strange holes to find the way.
  • GSOL - GoonSwarm Offensive Logistics - Truckers and construction workers in space. Be a vertebra in the spine of our organization. (lol you fuel pos and citadels and do boring bitch work putting ratting upgrades in ihubs for whining ungrateful bitches). But seriously it's thankless but vital work.
  • Corps Diplomatique - Yes, this game has diplomacy, and yes, it is important. Your honeyed tongue and sharp intuition deliver more damage and mend more fences than any in-game action ever could.
  • The Black Hand - Dedicated to espionage, sowing sedition, and controlling the metagame.
  • Insurgent Squad - Kind of like the black hand but with a more tactical mindset. You join enemy alliances and gently caress with their markets, their fleets, their logistics and just make their day-to-day tactical lives miserable.
  • Locust Swarm - Mining ships in a swarm mining together in true hive happiness.
  • Delta Squad - Play FFXIV with us and dial your fury (not furry) to 11 at even the slightest scent of drama.
  • Welp Squad - Several FCs of low to middling ability and a distinct lack of self-control regularly go and crash cheap poo poo into random walls. Fun times for people that just want things to go boom.
  • Social Swarms - Lawyer? Gay (no, really, actually gay?) Fat? :drugnerd:? We’ve got you (and many more not listed here) covered.

Is There Some Sort Of Manual?
The Goonwiki is one of the most complete guides to EVE online.

GoonWaffe FAQ:

What are the requirements to join GoonWaffe?
  • Are you an active poster of the SomethingAwful community? If you think you are, you're probably not and you should post more.
  • Do you have a SomethingAwful account of at least 3 months in age?
  • Were you banned/probated for some creepy MRA/Furry/Rape poo poo? Yes we kinkshame here so
Ok, I'm not a J4G, I want into Goonwaffe. Now what?
Go read this helpful wiki entry, and it will guide you through the steps to join!
Are you Vacationed and want to come back to GoonWaffe?? (This means your forum group says Vacationer or Member on can also help you! Follow the steps for Process B or C, whichever applies to you.
Against All The Odds I'm In Now What?
Yet again, there is a wiki page full of helpful advice. Key amongst these is to follow the advice on how to crack Eve's unwillingness to let you talk to others and open the GS_Help channel.

What's Eve 2022 like?

If you aren't aware we pretty much won a giant war of attrition lasting over a year against 3/4 of the rest of eve. We unjustifiably found ourselves in a position we'd rather not be in... but... you know... We got out of that war with a massive numbers advantage in supercarriers and titans, and we've been using that edge to wave some BDE at anyone that thinks to come in range of our tantrum radius. This is because Eve "promoted" the dipshit that drove Dust 514 into the ground as the Eve product manager, and he's uniquely unsuited for the position. As a result, nobody is currently building supercarriers and titans, so our numbers advantage remains just that for the immediate and near future. One of CCP's more boneheaded decisions was to inject PI into the building of battleships, supercarriers and titans. "Wyverns made of water" while a funny meme, has more than a drop or two of truth to it.

So we spent the first few quarters of the year cleaning out the trash in the closest southeast regions of the map. I think we burned down everything in like 3 or 4 regions. Right as that was wrapping up, PAPI made the mistake of poking one of our allies, so we've tantrum deployed the entire Imperium on top of FI.RE coalition and are purging them from the map. PAPI promptly and unironically declared all of FI.RE coalition to be a floodplain and have been "vigorously advancing to the rear." So technically we are at war... in much the same way that one could compare the extinction of the dodo to a war.

Somebody fucked around with this message at 14:07 on Jul 18, 2022


May 31, 2011


corgski posted:

Listen, if goons want to play EvE with goons in a culture where "not being a poo poo" is the highest priority, I've been offered the "Goosefleet" corporation. I haven't taken it because A) I'd need to sub again and B) I don't really want to herd goons any more than I already do, but if people are interested I will literally be the absentee CEO of a goon lowsec/wh corp in the same way that Astryl was with the Echoes Goosefleet.

My only rule would be no sov, because I explicitly don't want to give that shithead mittens something to fight.

Johnny Five-Jaces posted:

hello fellow gon, i have seen a few folks asking about groups in eve that are not stuffed to the gills with poo poo heads. to that end i will do my best to lay out some options for folks that want to play eve online but don't want to deal with capital 'g' Gamers:

all of the gigantic null blocs are the same or worse than the imperium on these issues. don't argue with me on this - i have access to relays of most groups general chats, i see their line members and leadership show their asses in community discords. if you want to get away from this kind of behavior, the big groups ain't it. the only caveat is that i do not have visibility into the non-english speaking asian communities within those blocs. Whereas most of the euros post in English on english language forums, the asian groups do that a lot less. You'll have to ask someone else how things are in the Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, and Filipino language contingents of the major blocs.

smaller groups to avoid: No Forks Given, TISHU, Bad-touch, Snuffed Out, ur dunked, shadow cartel

groups that exist that i don't have much insight into the culture of anymore: We Form Bl0b, V0lta (but they're euros so i can guess), Lazerhawks, Hard Knocks


Large groups: Brave. They're presently in a fight for their lives and dunk dinkle has done a good job (so far as i can tell) of tamping down the toxicity that flourished under the leadership of people that hosed off to TEST after wwb2.

WHers: Prismatic Legion

Mid-sized: Crunchwrap coalition. As a matter of disclosure, I'm currently in a member of this coalition called Deepwater Hooligans. The group skews younger and is almost entirely Dudes, but the leadership does not tolerate any manner of bigotry or harassment and has actively examined itself and identified areas it can improve. The other group is Of Sound Mind, which is run chiefly by a group of trans women that know one another irl

otherwise, your best bet is just getting together with some buds and doing stuff at a small scale.

Somebody fucked around with this message at 14:09 on Jul 18, 2022

Oct 27, 2005

Kooler than Jesus
first post

edit :

Eve is a horrible game and the leadership of the GSF is built on lies.

ded fucked around with this message at 17:56 on Jul 13, 2022

Jul 15, 2007

Black summer was the best summer.
Seems like a lot of wasted effort for nothing.

Jan 4, 2009

~*Boston makes me*~
~*feel good*~

when is eve 2 coming out

Apr 7, 2007

Dec 13, 2011

buncha nerds up in here playing this game in 2022

fuckin love to see it

gently caress the mittani gently caress xenuria gently caress the illum shitheads that defend pedophiles and practice rampant transphobia and misogyny throughout goonswarm in 2022, go play foxhole instead

Kazinsal fucked around with this message at 23:21 on Jul 14, 2022

Optical Ilyushin
May 3, 2022
There are no goons

Nov 30, 2012

Fun Shoe
this game sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nov 15, 2011

Hail SS-18 Satan may he cleanse us with nuclear fire


War post, revelation is best ship

Potato Salad
Oct 23, 2014

nobody cares

Mittani steps down, claiming he's really the victim in all of this.

Zerg Mans posted:

good lord that resignation statement is almost exactly what Lowtax wrote lmao

The Shortest Path posted:

If you think that's bad, a log just got posted of someone confessing to murder and illegally entering Iran to extirpate someone.

No, this isn't a joke. I wish it was.


Potato Salad fucked around with this message at 03:30 on Jul 17, 2022

Jun 13, 2006

"Stand back, Ottawan ruffian, or face my lumens!"

orange juche
Mar 14, 2012

I don't even play this loving game anymore but im here on page one :toot:

Nov 30, 2012

Fun Shoe

PathAsc posted:

War post, revelation is best ship

I need like 6 billion isk to buy a revelation.

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

wiggle wiggle

orange juche posted:

I don't even play this loving game anymore but im here on page one :toot:


Baron of Bad News
Aug 4, 2009


Apr 24, 2010

College Slice
ground floor for what looks like is going to be an amazing game

Oct 14, 2014
Hello. Yep, I still think Atlantis is Bolivia, yep, I'm still a giant idiot, yep, I'm still a huge racist. Some things never change!
Awww new thread smell

orange juche
Mar 14, 2012

I want the dipshit who was whining about Goons not committing coalition assets to Pochven to come back. Sadly I don't think he will.

Apr 3, 2008
Am I 🧑‍🏫 out of touch🤔? No🧐, it's the children👶 who are wrong🤷🏼‍♂️
If Goons are the cream of the crop, who is Ms. Elizabeth?

GSV Fuck Your God
Aug 27, 2003

small-l liberalism
I, too, am gay.

Jan 19, 2038

loving goons

Dik Hz
Feb 22, 2004

Fun with Science

Optical Ilyushin posted:

There are no goons

Feliday Melody
May 8, 2021

Amok is recruiting.

Feliday Melody fucked around with this message at 19:53 on Jul 1, 2022

Oct 2, 2006

Yes! It all makes sense! We may be freaks, but we're freaks with teeth, and claws, and magic wands! And together, we can stand up to Farquaad!

This is my favorite Eve trailer. It's also surprisingly not the one my character was in.

Jun 23, 2012

You won't recognize Canada when I'm through with it
Grimey Drawer

PathAsc posted:

War post, revelation is best ship

You might've been right before but Phoenix-Senpai is new bae

Dec 31, 2007

I agree with you both, the Naglfar IS the best ship by a huge margin

Gwyneth Palpate
Jun 7, 2010

Do you want your breadcrumbs highlighted?


andromache posted:

Narrator's voice: It isn't. Look, in my real life job, I bleed IT Azure DevOps. I get hard thinking about CI/CD pipelines.

Hey, this will be my job soon too. They're moving all our poo poo at work to Azure, because as far as I can tell this company exists to shovel as much money into Microsoft's hunger face port as possible. :hfive:

Jul 21, 2003

In before the truely horrible opinions come out.

Aug 16, 2012


Aug 16, 2012

Raged posted:

In before the truely horrible opinions come out.

But enough about your posts

Jul 21, 2003

NtotheTC posted:

I agree with you both, the Naglfar IS the best ship by a huge margin

Vertical supremacy

All day

All night

Kesper North
Nov 3, 2011

Don't join GoonSwarm its leadership are corrupt and abusive

Kesper North fucked around with this message at 22:25 on Jul 14, 2022

Dieting Hippo
Jan 5, 2006


andromache posted:

Delta Squad


Dec 30, 2012

NtotheTC posted:

I agree with you both, the Naglfar IS the best ship by a huge margin

Naglfar is so 2021. All da cool kids fly Zirns now :)

Oct 15, 2004


CainFortea fucked around with this message at 21:32 on Jul 14, 2022

Dec 30, 2012

Oh, the network slogan is true -- "watch FOX and be damned for all eternity!"

Raged posted:

In before the truely horrible opinions come out.


good OP from atrum tho, ngl

Nyan Bread
Mar 17, 2006

Where'r the monthly participation metrics?

Drain 001
Nov 24, 2010

Dinosaur Gum
New thread, here have some old propaganda!


May 2, 2017

predictably, r/eve is slowly filling with pubbie tears about how we're not "fighting fair" and are "dirty blobbers"

this of course ignores the 1.8:1 to 3:1 numbers advantage that the enemy coalition, made of literally every drooling mouthbreather in null outside of goons, which failed and faltered at the gates of ~~Helms Deep~~ 1DQ1-A.

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