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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

If Pixar set out to make a movie more pointless than Planes, it succeeded.

I thought it was impossible for a movie to matter less than the Warcraft movie but here we are. Lightyear may be the single least important cultural event of the 21st century.

The movie is so mediocre it's infuriating.

The movie starts off by framing itself as the movie the Buzz Lightyear toy from Toy Story was based on, including explicitly stating that the movie came out in 1995. The movie then proceeds to be nothing like anything that was or could have been released in 1995.

You want to know what would have been a good movie to make? A Pixar movie that tried to replicate with CGI what a sci-fi movie that came out in the 90's might have looked like. That would have been an interesting, even daring film concept. That would have been an artistic undertaking worthy of Pixar.

This movie doesn't even attempt to place itself in the future of the 90s.

Okay, whatever, at least it's a good movie, right? No. It's boring, safe, textureless schlock. Even the much-touted "controversial" same sex kiss was just a tepid, barely-there lesbian relationship that the movie swept past before it could even register.

You want to know what would have been a controversial same sex kiss? Fuckin' make Buzz gay. Have Buzz kiss a man on the lips and call him "sweetie" before going off on his mission. That would have been controversial.

Maybe I'm too hung up on what might have been, but this movie couldn't even hold my kids' attention and they'll watch anything with spaceships in it.

The movie wasn't even a passable pastiche of science fiction tropes. There were some Star Wars sound effects and the opening riffs on Alien for about 5 seconds but not enough of anything anywhere to even get a good nostalgia going.

I'd get into nitpicking the nonsensical plot (where was the rest of the human race during this 100 year interval? If the team goes to the Gamma quadrant won't they run into exactly the same time dilation problem that's been the sticking point the whole movie?) but frankly it doesn't even really matter.

I have no idea who this movie is even for. It's too bland even for children, and not nostalgic enough for the adults that would have been children when the original Toy Story came out.

0/10 stars. Go rewatch Turning Red instead. poo poo, go watch Planes for the first time instead.

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kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


why do you watch these movies applewhite

The Bloop
Jul 5, 2004

by Fluffdaddy


I bet no one expected them to (this is definely a real and MAJOR spoiler, I'm not kidding) make buzz the villian and kill him

I sure didn't

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

kntfkr posted:

why do you watch these movies applewhite

Well in this case because I still have my brother's borrowed Disney+ account so it was free and I wanted to see the same sex kiss everyone was raving about.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

The Bloop posted:

I bet no one expected them to (this is definely a real and MAJOR spoiler, I'm not kidding) make buzz the villian and kill him

I sure didn't

My wife points out that it's the exact same plot twist as The Lego Movie 2 but not as poignant or even as well-executed.

The Bloop
Jul 5, 2004

by Fluffdaddy


Sox is on the list of best robot sidekick of all time along with R2D2 and TARS/CASE

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


ah ok

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Sox is worthy of a better film for sure. I liked Sox, he was the highlight of the movie, but that's such a low bar to clear.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Disney/Pixar love putting bullshit villain reveals in their movies, and they're always worse off for them. In Frozen it was the goofy dad of the ginger guy, in Wreck it Ralph it was the mayor, in Zootopia it was the sheep lady.

Their best movies don't have true villains at all (Encanto, Luca, Seeing Red, ironically Toy Story).

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Lightyear is in the running for out-blanding Raya and the Last Dragon, a movie so utterly pointless and forgettable that my Blu-ray copy (long story short, it was a gift, not my idea) spontaneously stopped existing.

Like literally, the disc was on the shelf, and I paid so little thought to it that it actually lost object permanence and is no longer there or anywhere in my home as far as I can tell. I only discovered this because my brother asked to borrow it.

Jelly
Feb 11, 2004

PEANUT BUTTER IS NOT MY FATHER

I tried so hard to get into this film and could not. I agree with you OP. I guess I probably shouldn't watch G films unless they're properly vetted, but I expected better from PIXAR.

The Bloop posted:

Sox is on the list of best robot sidekick of all time along with R2D2 and TARS/CASE

Best character in the movie.

Applewhite posted:

Lightyear is in the running for out-blanding Raya and the Last Dragon,
I liked Raya :banjo:

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Devils Affricate posted:

Disney/Pixar love putting bullshit villain reveals in their movies, and they're always worse off for them. In Frozen it was the goofy dad of the ginger guy, in Wreck it Ralph it was the mayor, in Zootopia it was the sheep lady.

Their best movies don't have true villains at all (Encanto, Luca, Seeing Red, ironically Toy Story).

HIGHLY object to counting Encanto among their "best" movies or even their "satisfactory" ones but otherwise agree.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Jelly posted:

I tried so hard to get into this film and could not. I agree with you OP. I guess I probably shouldn't watch G films unless they're properly vetted, but I expected better from PIXAR.

Best character in the movie.

"I expected better from Pixar" should have been the movie's tagline. Put that poo poo on the poster lol.

Noblesse Obliged
Apr 7, 2012



Nothing beyond infinity, idiot space dad

olives black
Nov 24, 2017



just lol if you're still watching movies that play in the same building as twenty concurrent showings of The Avengers

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

kntfkr posted:

why do you watch these movies applewhite

So I can make these threads tbh.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Applewhite posted:

HIGHLY object to counting Encanto among their "best" movies or even their "satisfactory" ones but otherwise agree.

Something bothered you about Encanto? In my opinion it's their #1. :raise:

Smugworth
Apr 18, 2003

KIMCHI! KIMCHI!
I can't shut the fuck up about KIMCHI!


Clever pun op

olives black
Nov 24, 2017



Applewhite posted:

Lightyear is in the running for out-blanding Raya and the Last Dragon, a movie so utterly pointless and forgettable that my Blu-ray copy (long story short, it was a gift, not my idea) spontaneously stopped existing.

Like literally, the disc was on the shelf, and I paid so little thought to it that it actually lost object permanence and is no longer there or anywhere in my home as far as I can tell. I only discovered this because my brother asked to borrow it.

lmao

please bring back Current Releases and write reviews Applewhite, I'll read them

The Bloop
Jul 5, 2004

by Fluffdaddy


All these movies are fine

They're fun escapist entertainment for an hour and a half

They're going to make a movie every year and they're not all going to be classics


This doesn't mean any of your criticisms are invalid, op. Just that it's ok for movies to not be great and still be fun imo

The Bramble
Mar 16, 2004



Sounds like if you'd seen Buzz kiss a dude you would have given this a good review. Now the movie is doomed to obscurity. This is the gay agenda at work, folks.

Yvershek
Nov 15, 2000

and there are no
diamonds in the
mine


Absolutely love these posts. Especially since I have never seen the movies.

The Bramble
Mar 16, 2004



Devils Affricate posted:

Something bothered you about Encanto? In my opinion it's their #1. :raise:

I like Applewhites threads but I do agree he was off base with Encanto

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

time to post

i accidentky watched it and got turned gay by woke disney :sigh:

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


Applewhite posted:

So I can make these threads tbh.

i like your threads but can't abide disney + as disney enables chris pratt's lavish lifestyle

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002



kntfkr posted:

why do you watch these movies applewhite

Montague Tigg
Mar 23, 2008

Previously, on "Ronnie Likes Data":


Lightyear? More like "Light Beer."

more like... trite... uh....

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

The Bloop posted:

This doesn't mean any of your criticisms are invalid, op. Just that it's ok for movies to not be great and still be fun imo

If the movie were "fun" I would be willing to forgive a lot. Lightyear isn't "fun." It isn't anything.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Devils Affricate posted:

Something bothered you about Encanto? In my opinion it's their #1. :raise:

I thought the music was bad and the plot needlessly overworked with a second act that completely derails the film.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Applewhite posted:

I thought the music was bad and the plot needlessly overworked with a second act that completely derails the film.

The music thing is subjective so it's probably not worth getting into it, but I think the vast majority of other humans disagree with you on that one.

As for the plot, point me to a Pixar film that doesn't drag in the 2nd half and I'll point you to a film that I had no idea was made by Pixar.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Devils Affricate posted:

The music thing is subjective so it's probably not worth getting into it, but I think the vast majority of other humans disagree with you on that one.

As for the plot, point me to a Pixar film that doesn't drag in the 2nd half and I'll point you to a film that I had no idea was made by Pixar.

Turning Red.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

If anyone wants to see a more worthwhile adaptation of Buzz Lightear's adventures, go find a way to watch the criminally underrated Buzz Lightyear of Star Command animated tv series.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Devils Affricate posted:

The music thing is subjective so it's probably not worth getting into it, but I think the vast majority of other humans disagree with you on that one.

As for the plot, point me to a Pixar film that doesn't drag in the 2nd half and I'll point you to a film that I had no idea was made by Pixar.

The Incredibles, Wall-E, Finding Nemo, Ratatouille

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Also I didn't say Encanto (which is not, in fact a Pixar production) dragged in the second half, I said the second act (of three) completely derailed the plot with a pointless adventure into a sandcave to recover a macguffin that didn't actually move the plot forward in any way.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Applewhite posted:

Turning Red.

Eh, I'll have to rewatch it I guess. I honestly can't remember much from the 2nd half other than the finale, which probably means it was starting to get boring to me, but also could just mean I was very drunk (I know for a fact that I was at least somewhat drunk). I will say this one stuck out to me as an oddball for Disney, as they seemed to trust this director enough to just hand her the keys, rather than insisting she follow the typical format.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Applewhite posted:

Also I didn't say Encanto (which is not, in fact a Pixar production) dragged in the second half, I said the second act (of three) completely derailed the plot with a pointless adventure into a sandcave to recover a macguffin that didn't actually move the plot forward in any way.

Oh, yeah that section was useless. Misunderstood what you meant I guess.

Bloodfart McCoy
Jul 20, 2007

That's a high quality avatar right there.


Applewhite posted:

If Pixar set out to make a movie more pointless than Planes, it succeeded.

I thought it was impossible for a movie to matter less than the Warcraft movie but here we are. Lightyear may be the single least important cultural event of the 21st century.

The movie is so mediocre it's infuriating.

The movie starts off by framing itself as the movie the Buzz Lightyear toy from Toy Story was based on, including explicitly stating that the movie came out in 1995. The movie then proceeds to be nothing like anything that was or could have been released in 1995.

You want to know what would have been a good movie to make? A Pixar movie that tried to replicate with CGI what a sci-fi movie that came out in the 90's might have looked like. That would have been an interesting, even daring film concept. That would have been an artistic undertaking worthy of Pixar.

This movie doesn't even attempt to place itself in the future of the 90s.

Okay, whatever, at least it's a good movie, right? No. It's boring, safe, textureless schlock. Even the much-touted "controversial" same sex kiss was just a tepid, barely-there lesbian relationship that the movie swept past before it could even register.

You want to know what would have been a controversial same sex kiss? Fuckin' make Buzz gay. Have Buzz kiss a man on the lips and call him "sweetie" before going off on his mission. That would have been controversial.

Maybe I'm too hung up on what might have been, but this movie couldn't even hold my kids' attention and they'll watch anything with spaceships in it.

The movie wasn't even a passable pastiche of science fiction tropes. There were some Star Wars sound effects and the opening riffs on Alien for about 5 seconds but not enough of anything anywhere to even get a good nostalgia going.

I'd get into nitpicking the nonsensical plot (where was the rest of the human race during this 100 year interval? If the team goes to the Gamma quadrant won't they run into exactly the same time dilation problem that's been the sticking point the whole movie?) but frankly it doesn't even really matter.

I have no idea who this movie is even for. It's too bland even for children, and not nostalgic enough for the adults that would have been children when the original Toy Story came out.

0/10 stars. Go rewatch Turning Red instead. poo poo, go watch Planes for the first time instead.

Holy gently caress I read like half of this by accident.

:fuckoff:

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Devils Affricate posted:

Oh, yeah that section was useless. Misunderstood what you meant I guess.

The whole movie is a disjointed morass of frayed plotlines that end just as they might have become interesting, a Lin Manuel Miranda song incarnate.

Anyway I'm not going to re-litigate Encanto. The movie isn't completely without its good points, but taken as a whole, I consider it a failure, both musically and narratively. I think if the Latino community is looking for representation in modern family animation, they're much better off pinning their hopes on Jorge R. Gutierrez.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

Jelly posted:

I liked Raya :banjo:

Just watch the supercut of the dragon bits and you've enjoyed everything the film has to offer, IMO.

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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS



Nap Ghost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtyhCX7bHaA here I just saved anyone who was thinking of watching Raya 87 minutes.

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