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I'll be the third judge on this
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Feb 1, 2023 01:54
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| # ¿ Sep 18, 2024 06:12 |
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Week 548 Crits Staggy - Rent Free I like the back-and-forth here with Lydia trying to find some sort of quest she can do to appease the ghost, and the ghost repeatedly refusing to play ball. That's an interesting character trait for Lydia--a dogged determination to find compromise--but the way you frame it makes it seem more like genre-awareness. And I don't like genre-awareness. I'd like to see more physical details and worldbuilding--even just a peek out the window to see what the Valley of Fallen Gods looks like. Particularly in the middle of the story it gets very "voices in a white room". Also, worldbuilding would give more context for why Lydia *must* live in this god skull instead of just moving elsewhere. The ending falls flat for me because I don't *really* see the connection between the god's domains and the renter's union. Nor for that matter do I see how it's a good deal for the god--"You let me live in your skull, and in return you can help the renter's union." The details about the ghost being slightly wet are good. 4/10 Yoruichi - i love my axe as much as i love you This story had a smile on my face most of the way through, so I think you accomplished what you set out to do. I would have rather seen more relationship drama between Kylie, Todd and the narrator instead of a big fight against some random bad guys. Will the narrator overcome his prejudice against goblins? What did Todd do to Kylie that made her so mad at him? These are more interesting questions that didn't get answered. 6/10 Admiralty Flag - Radio Da Da The opening of this is really good. I like the setup of Sammy's precarious living situation, and the detail that he's deliberately committed himself to van life is an interesting twist. Once the supernatural element enters the story it becomes a rush of talking heads and clunky exposition. The part where Sammy tells the story of his dad's death is particularly info dumpy. The ending is so sweet my palate rebels against it. 5/10 Pham Nuwen - Ula This is a decent story. I like the sailing details and the general vibe of the sailor's life. Selkies are always fun. The ending comes around again nicely. This is the 3rd story this week with overly aggressive expository dialogue. I know you've got limited space but try to find a more interesting way to explain your supernatural creature than just having them talk about themselves in a big lump of dialogue. What would have made this story sing would be more details about the narrator's character (in the past) and something that gives him a motive to pursue Ula beyond aimless curiosity. You hint a few times at the narrator being a womaniser, so it might have been better if he *did* know what selkies were and *was* trying to make her his wife. That way, his curse would be a consequence of his character flaw rather than random bad luck. 6/10 Thranguy - Monkeyshines Another rock & roll van story, but with less of a character hook than Admiralty Flag's had. Where's the conflict? A goblin shows up, asks to be in the band, gets to be in the band. That's it. "And in return, I got protection." Wait, what? The goblin's already doing them a favour, the protag should be doing something for *him* in return. 3/10 CaligulaKangaroo - The Kenning House "they called it the Feywild" OK, it's gonna be hard for me to take your faerie otherworld seriously if it literally has the same name as in Dungeons & Dragons The bones of this story are dead solid. The journey, characters, the twist with the parents. What's lacking is the polish. There are a lot of grammatical errors and garbled sentences, plus odd phrasings that make it hard to follow the story. Finding out what the parents had done would have landed better if it was clearer and had more space to breathe. Based on the first paragraph the protagonist is 13 years old, but for the rest of the story he talks like a grizzled old-timer. The ending is a flop. You should have sat with the emotional impact of the parents' betrayal and thought about how the two protagonists could move forward together. But instead you went for a random comment that didn't relate to the rest of the story. 6/10 Bad Seafood - The Kennel Proofread your story! Spelling mistakes throw me out of what is otherwise rather smooth prose. The setting and vibe of this is excellent. Misery, extremity, decay. I love to see someone take a silly prompt and treat it as seriously as they can. Structure is the weakest point here. The story meanders about a bit and then just ends. An inspector shows up but has no impact on the conclusion. I would have liked to see some kind of climax at the end--it can and should be small, but it needs to have more impact than "idk, maybe this submarine thing will work out?" If you're looking to write more stories like this, I recommend reading "In the Cart" by Anton Chekhov, or better yet "A Swim in the Pond in the Rain" by George Saunders, which includes and analyzes "In the Cart". It's a great example of a story where nothing much happens externally but something important happens internally. 8/ 10 Thanks for all your stories! 
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Feb 7, 2023 20:39
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