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Week 546 Crits Late because of travel/illness - thank you. A Sea of Nothing by Albatrossy_Rodent There’s something about the tense in the first paragraph that feels jilted to me - present tense? Right next to ‘had just nodded off’ seems a bit disjointed. I don’t have any context for why the strait being in this state is abnormal either, which means the sense of dread isn’t hitting like I think it’s supposed to. Also the ‘Darling’ and ‘Yeah duh’ are not typical to ‘Oh no, this is going wrong’ situations in the wilderness which means the dialogue doesn’t add to the dread I think you were aiming to build. Nervous laughter or ‘How far are we from Vancouver?’ - ‘Doesn’t matter, without wind we aren’t moving’ is an example of what feels a bit more realistic. The idle conversation and mention of brands makes me think the story is going a different direction, but then we’re back to ‘something very strange going on’ without me getting a sense that they are actually worried or in danger. But if they’re going to wax and wane about death and life they need to be far more hypothermic/delirious in some way. I guess I never got the sense that it was actually the end of time because there’s no dread build up, which means I can only come to the conclusion she’s clinically depressed on a sailboat and her phone stopped working instead. It also is weak on the tax. GORP by Staggy I quite like this story. The pacing is a little stilted - more on the front end than I think was necessary - I’m not entirely sure who Kerry is and there is more ‘telling’ in why we don’t like Kyle other than he throws rocks at birds and people who do that aren’t cool. Dialogue is strong though and I think the framework of the story, while simple, is relatable and pleasant. It definitely checks all the flash rule boxes and the ask of the prompt. The Last Trumpet by Cptn_dr This story has a lot of potential but needs more meat. I want to feel the dread that her friends have been replaced with something else. I want to hear more about that hosed up bird. We spent more time on the state of the ice cream and its vegan status than we did on some of the parts of this story that could have benefited from a bit more dread - how does she know hours have passed? What’s the sun doing? For having no food, you don’t mention hunger. Are her feet blistering? Have her shoes ripped apart? She’s just in shorts and powered by ice cream - I’d expect more suffering than we chat about. I love the coming back into service realization but I’m not entirely sure what apocalyptic scenario hits at the end or how it relates to the other aspects of the story. The Mountain Hare by WindwardAway Boy howdy do I love rabbit stories so here we are. Oh and it’s dead. Set up is solid - there’s some details that are repetitive like the mention that they’re eating rabbit for the sixth time in a row and how many times they’ve used the cooking stove to cook hare a few paragraphs later. It’s a bit weird that Arlo’s perspective references his dad by name and not relation, only because I keep forgetting they’re related as a result. The descriptors also may have benefited moving farther up in the story - closer to the ‘scuttling meekly’ paragraph so I could better envision the two of them and orient within their relationship quicker. The descriptors in here are absolutely lovely though - I really am enjoying the setting and ‘wilderness’ you’ve built out. It’s a clean story with an impactful ending and good pacing - I quite enjoyed it. The ‘Like a mountain hare, Timothy remained frozen in place’ is good framing. An Infinite Storm of Beauty by BeefSupreme Hell yeah, Desolation Wilderness is the best and I definitely hiked it this last summer so now I’m biased haha. It’s fairly obvious you ran with whatever word count you felt like and there’s some measure of indulgence in that - listing out every tree species is something that would have been cut with a more judicious hand plus some of the language around god’s paintbrush and the destitution of human heartbreak seemed superfluous. But there’s other details I really enjoy - the descriptors of the wind and the bedrock of the mountain ‘that mankind could not tear down’ are all solid.’Tress into grenades and tents into lightning rods’ is also fantastic. This story honestly delivers on what we asked for - there’s no huge and horrible stakes and anyone who has been in the wilderness in a similar situation has sat there with a Personal Locator wondering if it’s worth the hassle or not. A good dog who is probably better than Kira anyways. Corpse Reader by IdleAmalgam Okay we’re back in a post apocalypse/steampunk setting - this one by contrast to Sensory Overload takes a little more time telling me stuff to orient me. Let’s see if it pays off. I’ll be honest - you probably could have excluded the (Stu and Mina) portion and just said ‘The technician Stu’ and ‘the other technician Mina’ to embed it a bit better into the dialogue and story. I don’t read a lot of Steampunk so maybe the ( distinctions ) are more common in the genre. Other than that - your pacing is solid and your descriptors clean - though you may have been able to cut out some of the first paragraph verbiage and just start telling me the reader what Max is doing to orient me in the world/story. It was right on the verge of too much telling instead of showing there at the start. However, you seemed to get it out of the way and the pacing picked up well - I really enjoyed the last two paragraphs. I think it’s a little weak on both prompt aspects but… an interesting take on the sentient GPS device piece that I can nod to. Dead Weight by Thranguy I’m too dumb for this story - I think there’s a catch in here or something that I’m supposed to go ‘oh snap’ but it just doesn’t land for me. I like climbing accidents though, and I knew exactly what was occurring in that context outside of just being a little unsure of if Connor is actually there or if Jake has gone completely mad and who is wearing a rose corsage or if they actually are or? Maybe that’s the point though. Unreliable first person narrator and all that. Sensory Overload by a friendly penguin This is an interesting take on the prompt - and I appreciate that you were able to ‘show’ instead of tell us through the setting. Cyberpunk(ish) settings can be exhausting but this one came together pretty effortlessly without a lot of wasted descriptors or details. The ending feels a bit weak - I’m not sure why their experience mattered or if Jonah learned much about himself. I get the impression he will go right back to virtual reality and never come back to this place or appreciate its existence - except that now it’s tied to a girl he’s attracted to. It’s a fine ending but ‘just fine’ - cheapens the stakes a little. Ramrod the Rhinelander by PhantomMuzzles An interesting little story - there’s some details in here that could have been cut like the caterpillar as they don’t seem to add much, and the monster needs a second pass. The start of it is strong and I really liked the ‘All the parts of him are there but they are empty and wet.’ The rest of that paragraph gets a bit jumbled though and loses steam. For example, ‘Monster then leaves.’ is the start of a series of short sentences that seem very stilted without being impactful. Overall it felt rushed - as if some of the syntax choices weren't done intentionally - just to spit something out and be done with the story.
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Feb 7, 2023 05:47
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Team Will Cry 2 of 3 Plight of the Hornybee Word Count 494 I recognize human history is a tapestry of failsafes and contingency plans cobbled together by assumptions, which ultimately prove wrong. I should not be surprised by the "Connection Error" notification. Color me surprised though. My patience fractures in a teeth-gnashing snarl as the notification materializes in a guttering spasm of pixels. The display momentarily pulses with the rhythmic thunk-smack-crunch of another drone’s body slamming into the dome. Kay-Six’s voice chirps to my left at a much closer proximity than I expect. "Would you like me to play a selection of mellow soundscapes and flowing melodies? Your heart rate variability is out of expected ranges and your biometrics are reading a high level of cortisol." I choke a bit with the jump scare. "Get out of my biometrics. I need you to help me get this communication to send." "The service is currently offline." "Yes, that would explain why it’s not sending. Please determine why the service is offline." "Running diagnostics." Kay-Six’s eyes stare blankly at the dome around us while some background process runs. The thrum of wings and bodies doing their mating dance has elevated the temperature in the dome, and while I’m flushed and pitted out, her cheeks remain as smooth and unaffected as always. I wonder when the cooling misters will engage automatically to drop the room temperature, and then I’ll be soaked. I’m jarred from worrying about that by her update. "Diagnostics complete. The service is offline. Cause unknown. Restoration time unknown. I am sorry, there is no further information available." Her programming has the decency to look apologetic. Thousands of years of human history and data have been perfected in the Kay-Six model. She’s not even outdated yet. However, all that history and hubris are exactly why we are here, surrounded by an amalgamation of evolution and selective breeding demonstrating how Biology truly is the "Science of Exception." I take a deep, calming breath and chew out, "Can you please apply a local patch to communicate the need for Protocol Nine to other crew members?" Protocol Nine will at least enable shelter-in-place protocols, encouraging crew to obtain oxygen hoods and locate the emergency supplies such as their bee suits. I have no idea where mine is, tossed in some corner half-repaired after the last use. She nods and her eyes go vacant as she runs the process to prepare a localized communication. The ship’s speakers thrum to life - not with a communication of Protocol Nine - but a smooth saxophone melody that sounds eerily familiar. Recognition dawns and I can’t keep the exasperation out of my voice. "...Kay-Six. Why is ‘Careless Whisper’ playing?" "My data suggests this is a soothing melody appropriate for mating rituals. Protocol Nine has been initiated and is loading into localized communications. The music should not impact Protocol Nine, but may reduce your cortisol levels." "I told you to stay out of my biometrics." "I don’t need to read biometrics to know how you feel, Leanne."
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Dec 4, 2023 04:57
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