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Thank you for the crits everyone! I'll use them to improve my story! A crit of A Quiet Life for Beef Supreme https://docs.google.com/document/d/1stYlK1XGdxb5J4YibAjxiJODCbRDKYNNSmasNpIxW9U/edit?usp=sharing So this piece has wonderful imagery. That opening paragraph is awesome. With such awesome imagery it's a wonder that I had no foundation to stand on when the fire hit the island. We have no idea how big the island is, we have no idea how big this fire is or what it threatens. The prose is set up like the story should have stakes. The story structure makes it feel like this piece has stakes. But holy crap lets get a vampire in here, because there are no stakes! What this piece has is some characters, and when not literally telling us about backstory, some good backstory. I really like how Allen just wants to be alone, how he hasn’t used his voice in so long. Allen had some poo poo go down. But, I find that I don’t care about Allen, Jonathan or the mysterious boat guy. Nor does the inciting incident interest me, or add tension to the story. It just is. And it’s just as easily resolved. There were moments of joy when I read, I like your prose, but overall I was bored. At the end of the story, I didn’t come off having learned anything, or have any feeling. I wouldn’t remember this story, even with the hell rule, as it doesn’t do anything interesting with the hell rule, nor does it do anything memorable in its story. However, I would remember the author, as there are some nice lines in this piece.
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Jan 6, 2023 01:59
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I'll have like a day to write this, but I'm IN!
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Jun 7, 2023 19:00
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Proselytize My Child, of the Darkest Black 496 words I don't get many visitors — in fact, you were the first; I think we met because we were both thinking of endings. You lived in a world so focused on living that nobody saw you. I existed alone in a world made only of bright colors for me to witness. You were the diametric of everything I have ever seen. A dark pitch that contrasted against a never-ending sea of sanguine, azure and green. The colors are always moving and twisting but form nothing of substance. You hurtled through the void, screaming for an ending. Your despair marred the sanguine, consumed the green and disintegrated the azure with your pure hatred. I heard your voice, damning society, but I think you hated yourself the most. You left a schism of pitch tar amongst my world; leaving forever a mark. And then you were gone, maybe having found the ending you so desperately wanted? I exist alone again, with nothing but the colors, my own thoughts, and your beautiful mark. In terms of eternity, you were but a blink of an eye. I wondered where you had gone. Nothing in my world ever ends. You were a constant thought in my mind. I continued to exist, but I knew — I missed you. It took years, but I pooled my loneliness into substance. I molded my longing into action and into a physical form. For I am coming to see you. I tracked your world down. When I arrive, your people scream my name, slitting their tongues so they can pronounce it correctly. Their blood pools on the ground, deep crimson with just a fleck of precious black. It is not nearly dark enough. I raise my tendrils and demand more blood — more black! The land turns sanguine as they bleed. Their insides are a mix of dull orange and tiresome shades of pink. Their essence seeps through the cavern and touches my malignance. I feel, for the first time, the texture of blood. I speak to the few who remain and try to make them understand the beauty that I beheld. My voice causes their heads to tremble and break. I try gestures, and their minds turn blank white, leaving them empty husks. In the end I whisper, so quietly, so carefully, as to not to break the last one. Their eyes open with wonder as they understand the beauty that was your darkest moment. They use their free hands to help open their eyes further and further until their eyes rip and tear and then they stop moving. I exist alone, as always. At least one understood before the end. In the distance, I feel others. A few steps away, or a few worlds away — I do not know. But they focus on their lives, focus on living. They are not like you, who was focused on ending. I move towards them, my purpose clear. To enlighten others of the time I saw the darkest black.
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Jun 10, 2023 23:08
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Some critiques! The Women of Troy I enjoyed this! With your start I unfortunately tripped over the "The fire is the colour of the sky" and didn't get the imagery there. Is the sky flickering? I don't know and I'm confused.But still a strong start and looping back end. We got characters in dire situations, colorful prose about how this sucks and the end loops back to the starting title. My only issue is with the backstory, and how we repeat some of the information. You already told us they are going to be war-brides and our character is clearly upset over this fact. I don't need to be reminded. Bonelord Trevor This is really funny, and not subtle. My kind of story. I laughed at the therapist line. I'd like to hear from others if the joke got "old", though I didn't have any issues with how many times cannibalism came up. I have only two issues: I don't get how Trevor can find the whole organization or what it means? "Skillset? Who needs a skillset when I can find our whole operation?" said Trevor. My other issue is the ending. It’s really rushed and makes the story feel like a punchline, rather than a story. Still, this was very funny and I liked the pace, and the general silliness. Chernobyl in Verdigris Something is missing from the start to get me engaged. It might be a lack of motivation, or I my brain blanked when I saw a bunch of description and then a reference to a character I know nothing about. It’s well done, I’d fight if someone said this was bad, but I would say I wasn’t engaged at the start. This dis-engagement continues because we are talking about a “master” that I know nothing about, and that is a neat and indirect way of telling us things about our POV character, but it takes some time to figure out. Like I have to sit, drink a cup of tea and really think about this piece. I really got into the story when Chernobyl in Verdigris was mentioned. That sentence shined, and then we had things happening and emotions and it was awesome! Thousands have been reported missing Typo in first sentence: They'd found Signal? As in the person's name is signal, or they found A signal? Apart from that I really enjoy this story. It’s a great example of slowly unfolding a characters feeling and being subtle. I like how this character's sadness and anxiety unfolds. I think the ending misses the mark. We have this very subtle, escalation of tension, escalation of panic and then its like “YO BRO HER FAMILY IS FINE” and the story is over. We didn’t get enough time to breathe. So I think if the thing I am saying is I want you to have more words, then the story is really good! When the Sleeper Wakes This piece is really well done. I like the eldritch nature of the antagonist, and how we immediately know this story is horror, sliding toward eldritch. In a few words you show the reader how this is post apocalyptic, and how everything is hopeless. I get a tone from this piece, and it reverberates within me. One issue is with the explanation oh the Sleeper/Apocalypse. It really reads like a "How we got here" moment and for me, it doesn't fit with the piece. In the middle of our eldritch horror, where the unknown is the scariest thing, we have this lump of exposition explains that humanity is bad, and that we overreached in our attempt to control power. There isn't enough space for this idea to grow, and it runs in parallel with the protagonists spitefulness, but doesn't get close enough to the character to really justify why he wants the world to die. That’s one other, small, issue, is we don’t fully understand why the Protagonist is so spiteful and wants the world to die. I do like the ending, how the protagonist thinks the creature is a prisoner. I want to give you more words, and hope you don’t go into telly exposition to draw more themes and metaphors. I do enjoy this piece, and I think if you expanded on it, I would enjoy it more. I hope to read more! Brief aside, I love how we wrote the same rought idea, and did opposites. We both wrote eldritch horror, but your POV is from the mortal. We both wrote about colors, but you did light (Which is awesome in retrospect) and I went for dark Falling - Interprompt Note, I missed this was an interprompt. Good writing for something that was created in less than a day! Hmm, the start doesn't engage me. It's like I'm getting information that pulls me one way, but then I'm being told it doesn't matter. (I'm falling, but it doesn't matter. I don't care about falling.) I think its the being told part that is disengaging me. If we got closer to the character, got his reaction, instead of information, I could get into it. I get into the prose with "Innards shift from gravitational resisance", cool line! The middle is talking about some kind of light and the word falling repeats itself ad naseum. I don't really care. The end is cool though, that's a nice line. This reads like a performance piece, which means if accompanied by music and a voice actor reading it, the piece would hit a lot harder. The prose lacks a mood, or theme, which I would expect in such a low word count. If I could get a emphasis on how I should "hear" the story, where do we pause, where do we do a poignant pause or scant whisper, this would hit harder. That's why I think it's a performance piece. Visual aids and vocal aids would help me figure out the theme or mood.
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Jun 13, 2023 22:57
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In Hello, I am 54Rah. After the thing they called a world engine failed, my mom and dad put me in this body so I can dance in the wind forever! Won't you be my friend? 
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Jun 22, 2023 00:56
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silmarillionaire posted:What's the sort of division between this thread and the Lounge re: discussing a piece you submitted? I really appreciate the feedback so far! Lounge would be to go to discuss your piece
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Jun 22, 2023 16:35
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Breaking Out of Familia Orbit to Be With You Forever 967 words Home always beckons James Spaceman to return and even though he has endured everything the Galactic Wastes have thrown at him, nothing is as painful as the trip back home. With a heavy sigh, he enters the ship. In the same time it takes the airlock to pressurize, the ship has produced a cup of hot joe alongside a plate of beans and bacon. A delectable delight compared to the rehydrated meals that James has become accustomed to. Soft dulcet tones of a cowboy longing for country roads fill the cabin as James sites down at the pilot chair and looks at the offering of food. "Stay here forever? Explore the stars forever?" A small voice asks him over the ship's speaker. James has got a ma anxiously waiting for him, a brother too. "Take me home 54Rah," he says. The ship rumbles to life, rougher than usual. His rebuke has roused 54Rah's ire. She examines the word "Home" and dissects its etymology to understand it. "Home is safe. Home provides food. This is home!" 54Rah says. James simply smiles and sips the coffee. It's a good coup of joe, but nothing compared to his ma's. "It is, but also not." He remembers the time his ma offered him his first cup of joe. The bitter taste as he sipped it, and the surprising, but not unwelcome, aftertaste of mint. As they travel, 54Rah asks him about home. He tells her about the little house he lived in, right next to the fusion waste plant. Tells her about his ma, who grows older in a city that is too large for the very planet it came from. Tells her about the vid-screen that towers above all and provides sunlight. "Home is complicated." 54Rah takes a moment to record his thoughts and process this. "I'm way better. That home sounds dumb." James smiles. "Reckon you might be right... But it's my home." *** It's been almost five years since James found 54Rah keening in a crater next to a grave. She kept asking if she could have done better, over and over, and he consoled her. He didn't have an answer then, and he doesn't now. He is so old, he almost can't recognize himself in the mirror. Now he's nursing a leg that didn't land right when he fell into a crevice. 54Rah's robotic hands dress his wound with tender care — knowledge she downloaded immediately after their first trip — and pause every time he winces, or takes a sip of coffee that she made for him. "Why go to that home when you have a better one?" 54Rah asks. James has learned she is a jealous ship. Not petty, nor wrathful, thank goodness. But she has a righteous condemnation against anything that takes him away from her. He can count the reasons on a single hand. "I have a mom, brother and a best friend at home." The ship's engine purrs, the vibration soothing the ache in James' leg. A slight hiss and a door opens to reveal four cabins. They are nothing like back home. These cabins have room to stretch your legs, and the beds have clean sheets. "They could come and stay with me forever!" He doesn't know if her single-minded focus is a flaw cause by what she told him was the uploading process, or if this is simply who she was before she freed herself from her physical form. He doesn't know a lot of things about her, but he accepts her all the same. James already knows what his family's answer will be. He barely managed to leave last time, his mother having cried as walked to the docks. His brother hugged him and told him to give up exploring the wastes — he was making their mother worry. His best friend gave him a half-hearted goodbye before going to work at the waste plant. James doesn't want to return to a city that has replaced the sun with a vid-screen. "They hurt you," 54Rah says. "Being hurt is part of being human." There is no menace in her voice, just longing as 54Rah says, "I'd never hurt you." James nods. He knows. He's been tempted to stay. To take her up on her offer and aim the ship to the second star on the right and straight on till morning. With 54Rah's technology, he could survive forever and explore the stars forever. But then, he would never go home. And he could not live with that. "That's not the point." "They don't understand you." "Perhaps, but that's not the point either." 54Rah gives out a long sigh, the lights blinking off down the rows of cabins and turning back on. "So, what is?" James thinks about it for a moment. Ponders as the wound on his leg aches, along with his heart. He explains the point in one word. "Love." *** With a heavy sigh, James Spaceman enters the ship. In the same time it takes the airlock to pressurize, the ship has produced a cup of hot joe alongside a plate of beans and bacon. James looks forward to the meal, and also 54Rah's revision to her cup of joe. "Stay here forever? Explore the stars forever?" A small voice comes from the ship's intercom. One day, James knows he will say yes. When his mother is gone, when he barely recognizes the man his brother has become, and when his best friend is too busy to realize James is missing. "Someday," James says. 54Rah asks, "Will you love me as much as them?" James looks out at the Galactic Wastes, watching the sun dip below the asteroid belt. He sips the cup of hot joe 54Rah made him, appreciating the bitterness and the slight aftertaste of mint. Then he responds. "More."
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Jun 25, 2023 03:24
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My critiques are fueled by your approval, so send me a thanks in discord or in the Thunderlounge thread. Also if you want to discuss your critique post in those other threads. The Epic of Anders We begin the scene by describing how Anders is drunk, and he is worried how to explain that to his wife. He is then warped to Talamar's domain, and Talamar talks to Anders. We don't know why, but Anders has to proselytize for Talamar. Ander's goes back, successfully proselytizes for Talamar. ????. Accusations of rape, and Anders is back where he started, or worse off. So, reading the plot summary, I think you know where the story can be improved. I won't go over the whole plot, but rather focus on the the first section. My fat brother who is christ, we only have 1,000 words and you have spent 10% of them already on a start that doesn't hook the reader. The only relevant information we have is "Anders is hungover and doesn't know where he is" and we spend 100 words to convey that information. That information shouldn't take that long to convey, and you don't to repeat it ad naseum. The story kind of starts with Anders saying "Oh gently caress, what is she going to think" giving the reader questions to grasp on to (Who is she, what is anders scared of) and then the story takes 90 degree turn to where Talamar abducts Anders. You can start the story here, but I call this start "setup" and "backstory". Combined with the length of the start, I think it harms your story. We spend too many words revealing too little, and things that the reader already understands. Resist the Urge to Explain. As well, where we begin is a tough place to start stories. Setup/backstory can work, but you have to polish your prose to a shine to make it interesting. The second section is where the story fall aparts for me. Lot of continuity errors in the prose (At one point Talamar doesn't know/care what Anders, then knows what anders is and cares about his position) and a bunch of characters being dumb (Ander's doesn't realize the dude that transformed in front of him is the All father). It was at the second section that my interest dropped because characters aren't believable and everyone is just so dumb. Third section needs the most work, and shows that this idea you have might be too big for 1,000 word. Cloud An old man who is famous (we never found out why) goes on a rant about how a chessboard is dirty, continually focusing on it, and focusing on how it is unacceptable. Then suddenly Anders appears, and his merry bards. The old man plays chess with Anders, and Anders is very bad at chess. Anders says BOOOONG then calls someone. Then the old man says disgusting to noone. I love the reptition in the first half of this piece. It's like either a metrinome or a big drum setting the beat to something. What that something is I don't really know, I think the chess metaphor went over my head. Also, when faced with a huge block of text I usually try to read fast, which gave the old man a frantic voice. I misconstrued that as the old man being crazy and senile. As it is, I like your prose in the first half but the second half I think we are trying to use m'lord for reptition. Tt doesn't hit as hard as "It is ___" or "I thought" or "Unacceptable/Disgusting" which happens in the first half. Maybe because M'lord is just a pronoun. If I had to critique something, and I wasn't able to talk about the format, I would point to the story. This has neither a found family, or a problem either character needs to solve, and I'm not invested in either character. I think I'll remember the form, the rhythm/repetition more than the story, in this piece. The Elsinore Job Bill gets a crew together to rob a mysterious protagonist, who bill has mysterious ties to. They are successful. Man, this was awesome. Van motherfucking Gogh is a great engaging line. And the piece has a quick pace and engaging prose. I enjoyed the Morgan and Bill discussion, because the stakes were setup. Dropping in Ander's alcoholism is also well done. I really liked this line: He's a song and dance man, but he has fingers for guitar and lock picks both, and ears for tunes and tumblers. awesome line Not a lot of issues here. The reader can pick up small hints about the protagonist. The piece is small enough that the fact that there is no real problem with the heist is fine. Good piece overall. Gambits at High Temperature First scene is a Stosh and his nephew going to play chess, then we transition to Bill interrupting Shelton who is doing something in front of a green screen, and they talk about a thing we don't reveal to the reader. I don't know if it is the mirror, or if its cocaine. Then we go back to Stosh, and they continue to play chess. Then we go back to Bill and Shelton, and they are doing drugs, and Bill tries to convince Shelton to do a heist. Then we go back to Stosh, and they continue to play chess. Then we go back to Shelton and Bill, and they are doing the heist. Shelton realizes he has a "psycho-sexual" camaraderie with bill and might have to kill him. The heist hits a flaw, traffic is heavy and Bill leaves Shelton, who is holding a bag of stolen cash. The we go back to Stosh, who randomly punches some dude in the throat and tells his nephew they will have a story to tell. We don't know who this random person is. First few paragraphs aren't too engaging and have to setup the scene. The second scene we are introduced to Shelton, but we have no idea who that is and have to be brought up to speed. I think this piece is assuming I know who the characters are, which is a problem. In fact, I think for this plot heavy story to work I should be invested in the characters. I do like how you swap scenes, though I think at the start its a bit rough. But once we get past that its really neat how you utilized the scene swap with chess motifs. I don't fully understand chess, or the moves being made, but it is a neat addition. As well the kind of... I don't know how to put it, rough/street voice comes out a little in this piece. We got bumbling outlaws doing cocaine and doing ill-prepared heists. You know what's going to happen, but you are down for the ride. In the end, I almost laughed. I don't get who Stosh punched, or why the punchee is given a description about a belt buckle that says OUTLAW. No other place in your prose calls out a belt buckle. So, while the reader could maybe assume Stosh punched Bill or Shelton, the description doesn't match up. So, Stosh just assaults a random person. I think for this to work I would need to be engaged with the characters and get a Cohen Brother's sense/vibe from the piece.
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Jun 28, 2023 01:24
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In
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Jul 7, 2023 23:47
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Of Bears,Wolves and Foxes 996 words Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face, but I wasn’t worried. I had multiple plans. Don Orsino wiped my blood off of his knuckles and said, “if you aren’t here to rob me, what are you here for?” “To see your nephew,” I said. “Funny man,” Orsino said. “I tie you down to a chair and feed you knuckle sandwiches all night, and you entertain me with jokes.” “I’m serious,” I said. “Your nephew wants out of the family biz, but you can’t figure out how to get him out safely. I’m his ticket to freedom.” Granted, his ticket wasn’t looking too good. While Orsino might be a bear of a man, I was a fox of a man, with a straight fade cut and thrift shop jeans. “I’ve got a plan,” I said, “But figured I’d ask the nearest thing to a father Fredrick has before absconding with the groom.” I gave him my best smile, the one which made his nephew smile in return. The Don folded his arms and stared. “If you are worried about his safety, don’t. I can take a punch. And this,” I struggled against the ropes. “This was part of the plan.” It wasn’t. The plan was for me to sneak Fredrick out, but a curious security guard put a stop to that. Orsino growled, “I know you. I don’t like your kind.” I had a plan for this as well. “Word on the street is, you value family more than morals.” The Don laughed out loud, but the merriness didn’t reach his eyes. “Two men don’t make a family.” The statement hung in the air and made a foul stench. “Well, at least I tried.” I said, as I tensed my arms, finding slack in my bonds. Just a few more minutes, and I could escape. “What are you going to tell Fredrick when you whack me?” “It won’t be me. And I’ll tell him the truth.” Orsino turned towards the door and said, “Come in, Fredrick.” And there was my knight in shining, designer clothing armor. He took my breath away more than one of Don’s punches to my stomach. Fredrick looked magnificent, ginger hair flowing around him. It was his eyes that I liked the best. Those eyes that had seen an addict convulsing on the ground, and shown nothing but kindness. I remember the way his t-shirt hugged his taut muscled as he injected the shot of Naloxone into my arm. Or maybe I liked his mouth the best, the way it curved into a smile after I had awkwardly met him at the clinic. Or the way he looked at me when we had woken up on a rainy morning and went back to bed. Or… I just liked all of him. “Hey Red,” I said. “You’ve looked worse,” Fredrick said. He stepped into the room until he was between me and The Don. Fredrick looked at the bruises across my face and tensed. He whirled on his uncle. “What is the meaning of this?” he asked, then decked Orsino in the face. I would have cheered, but Orsino didn’t even flinch. And Red wasn’t a slouch like me. He was a wolf, lithe and muscular. But if Orsino took offence at Red’s reaction, he didn’t show it. “It’s about protecting you.” “You’re taking your disappointment out on him!” Red‘s presence filled the room, but I could see that he was nervous. He wanted to be in control of a situation that was quickly turning into anything but controlled. As the two bickered, I worked on my restraints. Just a little more and I could escape, run through the door and take Red with me. All according to the plan I had just made up. Orsino yelled. “At your father’s deathbed, I promised I would protect you from scum like him.” “I’m scum like him.” Red said. Then he revealed the gun in his hand. “We are leaving.” “Really. Even after he cheated on you?” The pit of my stomach fell when I heard those words. Red looked at me, confusion on his face. The Don produced an envelope from a desk and threw it at Fredrick. Photos spilled out. Compromising photos of me and... Fredrick looked down at the photos, and then coldly stared at me. His face twisted, his eyes bore into me, while a forlorn laugh echoed out of his mouth. The Don wore a poo poo-eating grin as hearts cracked and lovers broke. That’s when I knew one of us wasn’t getting out of here alive. “It was one last fix, and I was just following the high,” I pleaded. “A single mistake.” “This is what you get when you lie with men,” The Don paused, letting his contempt stain the air for a second, “of dubious nature.” Red stood there, hands trembling as he pointed the gun at me. “Our golden rule,” The Don said. “Cheaters get dealt with. Teach him son.” Orsino was so busy wearing his poo poo-eating grin he didn’t even notice that Red turned the gun on him. If Red murdered the Don, he would never escape. And that’s all that mattered. Red. Endings. Freedom. I lunged at Red, wrapped my arms around him one last time. I kept my hands on his wrists, trying to angle the gun. I heard a bang. Then pain. The gun felt hot in my hand, the barrel sizzling against my palm. Red took a step back, hands dropping to his sides, face in shock. It was only then I noticed the blood trickling down my shirt. I staggered, smiled as I saw tears form on Red’s face. Looks like he still had tears for me. I knew Red would be fine. He’s strong. This was just a regular tragedy in the city, a Tuesday like any other night. He would overcome this, escape. Be Free. But maybe that’s just a dying man’s dream.
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Jul 9, 2023 00:18
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Thank you for the critique! Ace critiques mate!
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Jul 10, 2023 20:52
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My critiques are fueled by your approval, so send me a thanks in discord or in the Thunderlounge thread. Also if you want to discuss your critique post in those other threads. Waking Up We start the story about hobbits and learning about hobbits and their culture. Our protagonist considers dating a hobbit, and we are left wondering if they will. Gertrude, a hobbit, then talks to our protagonist and they hit it off and exchange numbers. The next morning our protagonist wakes up, and things are going well because he is doing good at work. Then Gertrude texts him. Our protagonist doesn't connect the dots the its Gertrude from his dream, and Gertude continues to text him like a stalker. We then find out the protagonist is a woman. The protagonist has a omnious meeting scheduled with their boss. Then Gertrude continues to text and ominously threatens to see the protagonist in their dream. Then the meeting with the boss turns out to be good! Then the protagonist goes home. Then they sleep. Then they wake up. Then they have no dreams. There are really cute moments in this piece. Gertrude going up to the protagonist saying "I wish I was tall" and talking about shoes. Kind of giggle squee that I dug. There are some tense moments as well, and really down to earth moments. Getting an ominoius meeting with a boss is understandably tense: “Come in for a chat. 2pm. We need to talk.” drat that hits. And I love how its a supernatural angle (Gertrude) and a real down to life angle (Boss). loving ace and leaves a lot for us to explore. But, I did get majorly confused in this piece. I didn't realize Gertrude was a dream. Like I thought your world was a place where Hobbits just exist and chill with people. When its' revealed it was actually a dream, it was very interesting, but it went nowhere, which is my main critique. I don't come away with much from the plot. I don't feel excited, scared, hopeful. I don't come away learning anything, nor do I get a theme or tone or voice. I feel.. confused and a little let down, because we had setup some cool moments, the dream hobbit texting, the boss having an omnious meeting, and everything ends just so... normal. My other issue with the piece is, towards the last bit where we use "Then" so much. I get the gist of voice, of prose, but I think it needs to be shorter and polished more. I think this piece would fit best in a existential/dream like anthology. Something to be read after a tone or theme has been established. Of Bears,Wolves and Foxes Watch as the author tries to cram the words "Return his gun to him, one bullet at a time" and loving fail. Also fails to, ya know, have a story and instead has a scene. But at least we have 3 characters, each with motivations, and each with redeeming/horrifying qualities. Still don't know how to have Red's decision matter while Fox overwrites his decision. HELP! I’M TRYING TO DATE IN A WORLD WHERE MY FUTURE SELF CAN TIME TRAVEL TO RUIN MY RELATIONSHIP! God drat good starting line. That gets my attention. We have questions, and even more questions as the character starts describing things. We learn a lot about the character, but are shown, or at least it doesn't sound like exposition. I really like how the character is in a sympathetic situation. Then the future self arrives and drat, we got more questions but they are all good. And instead of answers we get reactions, we get how the character feels, and he's instantly sympathetic, more so here. Good piece. The Average Male Life Expectancy in East Glasgow in 1988 was 52 Ewen has stolen, or is being blamed, for some missing drugs from mad King Arthur. Arthur asks Ewen to muder someone and bring him to his feet. That someone is Ewen's childhood friend. Ewen encounters misty, figures out that his friend is at Misty's and confronts his friend. He finds out most of the product was used or stolen.Ewen then remenscies how Dougie fucks up a lot. Ewen decides not to give Dougie to Arthur, and instead sends him to.. I think Gypsy Joe. Dougie comes back alive and Ewen realizes he hosed up, Arthur wanted Ewen to bring Dougie to him personally. Dougie has a gift, but I don't know what it is. I had fun deciphering this piece from the accent you used. Kind of deciphering a code , and figuring out there is a nice story underneath. I like we are following this from Ewens POV, and we see how he decides to not turn his friend in. I do think it ends too suddenly, we need to see the consequences of his actions or foreshadow our protagonists fate. Apart from that, this was enjoyable. I do think deciphering it was half the fun, and I think some readers won't have the patience to decipher the accent. Consider using the same formula of how you created this story, but use plain english. Noise A professor is listening to his student's homework and is getting annoyed that its nondescript. They then go for a walk and ruminate on their life. Then Gillian Gross sends them an email, and their work sucks. The protagonist struggles to send a message (A hopeful message or a booty call) and decides to instead tell them they suck. They regret their decision, and wonder if they deserve to be called a teacher. Hmm, good imagery and focus around rhythm and tone. Good focus on prose too. I kind of bounced off the booty call line, or maybe misunderstood it, but that's my personal taste. I think anyone who reads this will pick up on the protagonists inner struggles and conflicted nature of if they are a teacher or not. I come away with this piece with a defeated, depressive mood. If I did have to critique this piece I would say it is one long note of depressive melancholy, where nothing changes. Outstanding Contribution Our protagonist is explaining something, and leads with his job is terribly important and they are rad at it. There job appears to be about a prison. They are then asked to do a clean up of Cell 23 (Implying somebody died). The procedure isn't being followed normally, and our protag explains how the requestee had a note, signed by the Minister. Our protagonist agrees to do the job, even though the occupant of Cell 23 has a bag over their head. Then our protag notices the note has a photocopied signature and is probably fake. We then fast forward to why the protag is here, and the protag says they should go back to work because his job is terribly important and they are read it. loving awesome opening line. I was engaged immediately. I did find the whole, explaining my job bit, in the 2nd sentence was a wish wash of names that didn't matter. But I continued. I like the tone and voice in this piece. The pacing is good, as the reader realizes what happens, we only have a few paragraphs left before we end the piece. Some of the lines are funny as well. The only thing I dislike is your protagonist is a bit of an idiot, or rather I'm having a hard time figuring your protagonist out. It would be nice to have a more firm foundation of who this person is, how dumb they are, before kicking off the plot. I had a "They can't be this stupid moment" which breaks my suspension of disbelief. That's just me though, see what others think.
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Jul 11, 2023 20:46
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I shall be third Judge
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Jul 14, 2023 15:55
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My critiques are fueled by your approval, so send me a thanks in discord or in the Thunderlounge thread. I may have been a bit more critical than normal as I was judging. Also if you want to discuss your critique post in those other threads. I'll complete the rest of my critiques by Friday. Game In Exile This piece doesn't have a lot of thrust to it. Our character is exiled, and conveniently explains that they can survive rather easily (more on that later) and we take a bit to get to the struggle of how our educated character has to try and "live" in a world where his very ideas are condemned and the reason they got exiled/self-exiled. In order to live, the character come sup with a game, and I hit a small snag here. I'm not too big on exposition, less so when its an imaginary game, and this part didn't pique my interest. I'm not too interested in deciphering the rules to see if its checkers or go. As well, I think the game inclusion could have been expanded on, as is the protagonist is like "Player one always wins" without exploring the reason why, and instead diving into world building. We then dive into modifying the game, and we see the results. The game becomes a small metaphor to the Republic, our character hopes they are still sane, and the story highlights how the only thing we have done is play the game. I found the being left in the internals of the character caused the story to be a lot of nothing happening. A part of Robsinoande is the struggle to survive and the mystique around an unknown island, which you pushed out of the way in your story to foucs on inner reflection. It's a great getting into the thoughts of a character piece, but really missing that sympathetic action, or plot thrust, to get me to tag along. It's not a bad story, far from it though. The writing style is very introspective, and explores the mind of this character while dealing with his struggle to grow and live while marooned. However, I think the ROBINSONADE genre was used as a setting, rather than genre, and that the character comes across as depressed. I do like how the character rebels by creating the game, and by doing so tries to live. I like the concept of living vs survival, a worthy goal. However, in the end nothing changes, and nothing that the prose has covered convinces me of this hopeful ending. Damage Assessment This piece also stalls out at the start. The whole first scene is meeting Ted's handler, His wife (Good instinct on that, makes Ted sympathetic) but none of this matters. The first 586 words can be cut, and summed up in a few sentences while still maintaining the political thriller genre. Sorry to be so abrasive, but this is because I FREAKING LOVE THE START OF SCENE 2. Hell yeah, we got character motivations, implied danger implied in 3 quick sentences. Then we expand the scene and see people have died, we don't know why, but we see our character's reaction and can imply things from that. drat, good stuff, makes me think, makes me ask good questions and I want to continue to read. Action scene is okay, gets the job done. I don't think we need the 3rd or 4th scene, as it just describes out protagonist's survival. Much more interesting to focus on other stakes. The story just ends... Like, once Lev disappeared from the story, it got way less interesting. You had good instincts having Ted lie to Lev, and I would have liked to see more relationship drama. I do see you ran out of words, but I do feel "My character tried but failed" plot doesn't add much to theisstory unless we explore the consequences of that failure, the relationships that will be strained/blossom because of that failure. Couple of things on your prose: 1) Ted went inside. It was a rental, with dead grass and concrete. (We go inside, then describe outside) 2) Dan was dressed XYZ, and holding a folder. Ted did things and said hello. Dan smiled. The man was ABC. (We describe the character twice in the same format) 3). The man caught the edge of the door on his cheek, sending him crashing to the ground. Ted whirled through, putting a round down into the merc's chest and spraying two more towards another in the hall. They went wide but sent the man sprawling. (There has only been one man described so far, and its the guy that just got a slug in the chest. Story follows political thriller and Nautical adventure pretty well. Half of the story is setup to...setup. and the rest of the plot suffers. Nothing overtly bad, just ran out of words with this one and didn't have time to setup stakes/explore relationships. Looking forward to your next story, or your revisions on this one. Moonlight Italics being song lyrics makes the format feel broken. Unlike your previous piece, where the repeating words formed a drum beat, because we have the song lyrics so close to the repeating phrase, I can't get a rhythm from the piece. Here the repetition doesn't work because its side by side. A quick double beat, instead of the pounding bass of a drum forcing us to break up the text. (Really, the first time you did this the repetition almost worked like a period, to show us the separate sentences). This would work well if there was some kind of tone or way to make the reader read the piece differently. (Yes I know its in italics, but that doesn't convey enough tone or strength to made me read it differently, just see it differently). So now that the rhythm has been broken, we have to figure out what the story is. While the paranoid theme comes across, the actual plot takes a bit to decipher. I believe we have a paranoid/schizophrenic that is stalking Ariadne Grande, or triggered by her songs, and they crash in their car. During the crash they think about the time they saw Ariadne Grande (Or whatever poor women has taken her place). We then warp back to the crash, and I think a girl was in the passenger seat and is dead. Then we warp the a year in a coma, our character wakes up, is sad they don't have Ariadne Grande, then decides to listen to her music and go driving again. The form helps the paranoia genre, like we totally know this person isn't right in the head due to the way the story is told. But I find the form obfuscates the story, and when we decipher it, there isn't much story here. When I look at the story, I can only think that the format it is written in hinders it, in this case, and can raise examples written by yourself where the form was executed better. I keep asking myself why form is important, form is effort, form is understandable, I keep asking myself why it matters, to understand is to have an effect, to let the author in, to give your heart away I keep asking myself what went wrong, there is no form, but the form doesn't benefit the story, the story doesn't benefit the form, I keep asking myself why this way and in the end, I hear silence. A Ghost of a Heist Starting with a dramatis personae list is a choice! I think it works for me because their is humor in it — Penelope's introduction is hilarious — and some voice. I do think we have a lot of character's in a 1500 word piece. Penelope, Odysseus stood out in dialogue, I could tell who was speaking by what they were saying. William/Will and Charles/Black Bart didn't stand out as much and I found they were interchangeable. In fact I think Will has one line of dialogue, then disappears from the story. This was a tough read, but you did have a tough genre to follow. I found myself having to go back several sentences back to figure out who was who (I completely missed that Penelope and Odysseus were husband and wife), who the heck Knox was, and actually where our setting was. I had to look up your genre to figure out where we were, and then figured it out with this awesome line: "In life, King Henry had palaces. In death, he had already carved himself a sizeable place in the underworld." Also love that you put "I have a bad feeling about this". In the end I was rooting for Penelope I liked this piece, but didn't love this piece. It's such a cool concept, the piece has great humor and voice and dialogue. There were a few barriers to love though: 1) At the start we have great dialogue, but not a lot of motivation, and general confusion over where we are. With such great dialogue though, I did find that it lacked motivation and sympathy for the characters. 2) I like the doctor scene, as we know have agency and sympathy for the main characters. I do find that we are relying on people knowing who the heck Robert Knox is, to make the antagonist more of an antagonist. As well, as soon as we get to the twist, you ran out of words and had to end the story rather awkwardly. Cool piece that merges both genres well and effectively. The Bangsian genre is used quite well, but for me needed a brief introduction, or if you rearranged some of the story to introduce the setting earlier. While lacking in motivation in the first half, the piece makes up for it with characters and dialogue. Quite interested in revisions or if you were going to take this piece farther. Spilling The Tea This is a solid scene. It's competently written. It's a shame that I have read a lot of sci-fi stories. I can't really fault this for what it. I want you to know this shows off your skills as a writer. But we are here for critiques so lets dive into it. Your genre was MATRON LITERATURE and TECH NOIR. You wrote a competent scene with an old character and using netrunner lingo. My main issue is we can replace the old character with anyone. I didn't find the bridge component or the tea component necessary for her age. Her age only effects her internal thoughts and the line "felt like one interminable hot flash". The character's age doesn't matter in the story. I would be happy to read this in a novel where a side character has to do something, succeeds and we move onto the main plot. That highlights what my main issue is. The character is rather flat and we don't explore much of her age, and in a weird way actually just use stereotypes to show she is old. Like it's not a bad thing to use stereotypes, but it's just so generic. The Netrunning lingo is something I have encountered before so many times. Nothing is wrong with the way you used it, but nothing stands out either. It's generic. Then finally our character hits some obstacles. There is ice! There is a nosy shop keeper! And nothing happens our character succeeds. I think the ending is a bit flat as well. It might be implied that Flo was grabbing the customer list to figure out Agnes drink blend, but the implication is barebones and the impact is we are buying a nice, heartfelt gift for a character who I have no idea who they are, and the gift might just be so Fio can get cozy with the leader of the bridge club, dampening any heartfelt emotion this gift might inspired from the reader. My main grip with this story is how generic it is and how nothing happens. Our character encounters obstacles, but easily gets past them. Our character buys a gift for someone, but the motivations are questionable. Our character is old, but it doesn't matter. If this is overly negative it is because I am invested in the story. Ya got me into it, I was immersed in your world, but I wanted more. A competent, story that would fit well in any novel, but perhaps is a bit bland. A Tasmanian Devil This start is engaging and sets up a question, establishes tone (Humor) and voice quite effectively. I also think you used the genres effectively, though you might be siding a bit on setting on the "Tasmanian Gothic" side of things. (Though since you had Menippean Satire, I have no clue how you could implemented both). I loved this piece. Snappy dialogue that follows a decision the character has to make. A funny character going up against a straight man talking about ridiculous things. We don't linger on imagery or metaphors, nor do we slow the pace down. In the end our character makes a decision. This was awesome. Awesome
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Jul 18, 2023 02:11
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My critiques are fueled by your approval, so send me a thanks in discord or in the Thunderlounge thread. I may have been a bit more critical than normal as I was judging. Also if you want to discuss your critique post in those other threads. Mind The Gaap The start is a bit of a stuck in mud feel. We have a protagonist that is thinking back on a conversation they previously had, and is angry about it. Didn't really stand out for me, as its a bit vague. He could be angry at Carrie for any number of reasons. Still, I get a bit of Laundry files vibes to it. Kind of office boredom/busywork with supernatural elements. As I continue to read, I felt no sympathy for your protagonist. The fact that they don't really think about Nelson reflects badly on them. Just a quick note, the mix up between Pharmaceutival company drilling for oil doesn't really matter. More focused on the character interactions here. The plot is rather expository, or maybe rushed is the right word. We don't have a solid foundation to create tension, and rush through moments that could (missing pages 34-37 doesn't generate mystery or tension, because we have no idea why this matters, and we move straight onto finding those pages). I like the worldbuilding we do, being in an office of an eldritch corporation or something like that. Nicely done. Nice worldbuilding with the working for an eldritch corporation, but characters come off as flat, and uninspired. The plot doesn't have enough time to let tension bloom, nor do we care what happens to the protagonist, so when the gruesome ending hits it doesn't hit as hard as it should. The Technicality I love the start, just focusing on this weird human cadavers and very quickly using a single title, that lets us know the cadvaers purpose, but not the whole story behind them. Wonderfully done and makes me ask a lot of good questions. I also appreciate that we continue this use of titles/referencing other things, but not halting the story to explain what these titles mean and using the characters reactions to give us the necessary information. Dialogue is well done., though I found the formatting around it to be odd. Might be a forum thing causing issues. But the back and forth really works. What really stands out though, is the plot. I like the twist, I like that we have a conflict we must resolve, and I like the the characters have open motives, and hidden motives. Well done! The Book Of the Dead I found this story to be well put together, and our character has sympathetic motivations. I found that the story got a bunch of passive travelling heaped onto it, and also reminded us the protagonist is constantly frustrated or angry, and it got rather tiresome. The worldbuilding , or maybe world travelling, is there. We explore the world, we find out more about the world, and the world continues to exist in the story. And if you notice I am repeating world, it's because that's my biggest issue with the story. The world building and travel eat up all the words, leaving little for me to enjoy. I started to skim around the ship portion of the story. Small Miracle Woo lets punch nazis and do some action scenes! YEEEAH. This is cool, preppy and vapid. Our Trans thing is a curse, which we barely explore. Everyone is horny, but we are PG-13 story, and after punching nazis and deflecting horny people, we succeed. The story flows with energy, the pace doesn't stop, but we don't really say anything, do anything memorable. Personally bit bummed out that the T is a curse, and it doesn't really matter in the story. You could remove it , do a few word changes, and the story would still flow the way it does now. I wanted a bit more meat to this story, as it is its the protagonist doing RAD ACTION and explaining their situation, but not really exploring their situation. But, I like the story, and punching nazis. The Flying Steel of Doctor Wang Alright this was pretty loving awesome. Clever sentences, knowing when to emphasize the dramatic flair. Really this reads like Doctor McNinja and the plot is just as ridiculous. It was a well crafted story that I can't find fault in the prose. The sentences are simple, but deliberately so with that translated filled to the brim with wooden dialogue famous in translated Wuxia films from the 80's. This would fit in right along side Kill pussycat Kill, and ya know, other films that I might not want to share with my friends. And that's my only, minor, criticism. I couldn't tell if this was a satire, or not, of those translated wuxia films from the 80s and 90s. I think being immediately introduced to the parody with the dialogue, which nailed that mis-translated wooden feel, made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm a massive stick in the mud. Because of that, I didn't get into the energy that is definitely in this piece that expertly nails a certain part of Wuxia, but that part is in the blaxploitation era. It's not bad, I just couldn't pick it up. This is very much personal taste, and I am happy it HM'D as it nailed the prompt. Also god drat some of the lines are killer. The Deep Down Under God drat this piece has a voice and I love it. I can almost hear the narrator as this piece unfolded. I think the main reason I didn't root for this piece is due to its structure and character. Cassidy moseys along in the piece, and while the character is sympathetic and we are invested in her success, the stakes are basically "Die or don't" and the way our character solves the situation is by being mainly passively. The monster fight is an interesting bit, but the part I was really going for, was lizard and cowboy dynamic. But at this point, we have to end the story, so we can't explore that dynamic.
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Jul 21, 2023 00:53
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