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Hello I am IN please and thank yooooou
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Jan 21, 2023 00:25
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Week 546 Entry Ramrod the Rhinelander 817 words I am a little bulldog named Ramrod, and I have never been hiking before but I think I will like it. Meanie adopted me just yesterday, specifically to go on this hike with him. I do not believe his name is actually Meanie, but I don’t know what it is and he is quite mean to me so I call him Meanie. He does not call me by my name either even though he does know it. He just calls me Dog. But not in a nice way. Meanie was also going to adopt my friend Barbados to go on the hike with us. Barbados looks a lot like me, except his tail is black. Meanie got big mad when he saw Barbados’s black tail. He said he only needed all-white bulldogs. He has not noticed the brown spot on my belly so I am keeping it secret. . . . . We have been hiking for a long time and my little bulldog legs are tired. Meanie isn’t slowing down. He does not have a nice leash for me like in the pictures. My leash is ropey and scratchy and I do not like it. I think Meanie thinks if I am not on a rope I will run away but it is too scary. The ground is pokey and the air smells like dirt and death and the birds say mean things. _ _ _ Meanie finally stopped walking and he tied my scratchy rope to a tree. The tree is next to a little clear area. Meanie is wandering around setting up doodads and picture things. He keeps muttering to himself but he will not talk to me at all. I hear words like “finally” and “proof” but I am confused so I am watching a caterpillar instead. The caterpillar is on my tree. He started at the ground and then he climbed up and up and up the tree. I do not think I could climb a tree like that and it impresses me. _ . . Meanie has a soft little human house that looks comfy and warm but it is for humans only. So I, Ramrod the little bulldog, have to sleep on the icky brown ground tied to the tree with scratchy rope. I do not like hiking and camping yet but I am sure I will learn to like it. Though Meanie says I will not be around for long and I do not know what he means. . _ Oh oh no big oh no. There are big sounds. Big scary sounds. Snuffle-uffles and growls. Something big. I whine and whine but Meanie is just telling me to shut up. The big sounds are getting closer, and the big smells too. It smells like moss and slime and scariness. It’s so close now and a great big branch breaks near my tree and knocks down one of Meanie’s doodads. It makes a big crash and I can see Meanie scrambling in his human house to get out. But oh no something is passing right by. It’s going straight to Meanie. It is big. Much bigger than a bulldog. Bigger than the soft human house. Big scary Monster and it is sharp and has smells. It is ripping up the human house. It is too dark to see. But I can smell and the smells are big bad. I can smell why Meanie is screaming and screaming. I am big scared now and I am trying and trying to run away and scratchy rope hurts bad. Meanie is not screaming anymore. All the parts of him are there but they are empty and wet. Monster can smell me I know it. Monster is leaving where Meanie was. Monster is coming toward me. I bite and chew at scratchy rope but I can’t get away. Monster comes toward me slowly. Monster is snarling and growling. Monster is so close now and I do not know what to do. I lie on the ground and show Monster my belly. I show Monster I am little and submissive and I am not scary and I will not hurt Monster. Monster looks at my belly and changes. It stops snarling and making Monster noises. It looks at scratchy rope and also at my ouchy neck. Monster comes very close to me and shows me its very very sharp teeth. It bites with very very sharp teeth at the scratchy rope and it falls off the tree. Monster then leaves. It turns around and walks away through the trees. It leaves me here with the torn up human house and the torn up Meanie. After it passes some trees I cannot smell Monster anymore. _ _ . The sun comes up over my favorite big hill of trees. The air is cloudy and it smells like morning and fresh and tallness. The birds are saying mean things but I know now that is just how they say hello.
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Jan 23, 2023 01:36
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Here is a video of me reading all the stories to my dog Waffles and her puppies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gxr8Oume77k CRITS FROM WEEK 566 Thousands have been reported missing This is a really lovely glimpse into the fear (and ultimately in this case, relief) when people are cut off from their loved ones during/after a natural disaster. Your descriptive language made the physical sensations palpable. It’s my opinion that the most interesting component of apocalypse stories are the human relationships in the aftermath, so I love that is what you chose to put under the microscope here. You did an excellent job involving so many different sensations in your language. The perspective in this story is interesting. It’s third person, and we are watching Gabby as she finds the strength to leave her apartment for the first time in three days. We do get some degree of omniscience and are able to hear some of her thoughts. But for the most part the language leaves us ascertaining her emotions via outward, physical descriptors. When she thinks of the orchards that are (or used to be) along the path to her Grandmother’s rest home, her fingernails bite into her palms. We’re watching her as she goes through this moment, but are kept at arms distance, not knowing exactly what she’s going through. There are descriptions of some things that serve for worldbuilding, but could also be used for more glimpses into her mental state. Like when she drops her breakfast of canned peaches, that detail feels more expository, when it could be used with more emotional descriptors to convey how Gabby feels about eating canned peaches for breakfast in the middle of a drowned world. Similarly, I think maybe a little more emphasis could be placed on the very specific moments/beats/decisions from Gabby’s perspective. She’s faced with the decision to stay in her relatively safe apartment, or venture out to try to find out if her family is okay. The latter is a very bold and scary decision, but we don’t really get to feel her make it. She just acts on it and we follow along. A couple minor notes, mostly about the first impressions of the story. First of all the title certainly expresses the scale of this event and the huge number of people affected. Unfortunately though, it counteracts the initial stage your picture of Gabby seems to set. At the beginning, Gabby is isolated, alone, and scared. She has been for three days. Her phone has no signal, and she has no idea if her loved ones are safe. But the title gives the indication of a news report, and makes the reader feel as if they do have a broader scope of the events, when I think you want to make them feel zeroed in on just Gabby and what she’s going through. Repeated words/phrases always jump out at me. If they’re intentional that’s great, but I always point them out just in case they’re not. In both the first and third paragraphs, Gabby’s heart hammers. In the second paragraph, “Dawn had broken on a drowned world, the silence broken…”, repeated use of the word broken may indicate the city-wide destruction, but I think variety might also be helpful. Let us touch on the birds. I mean, wow. This story is a great example of why I love vignettes. Because this doesn’t have a plot, or characters, or action. But I had such a strong emotional response to this and found myself holding my breath. It’s absolutely beautiful. You’ve managed to capture the seemingly diametric feelings of hope and loss, beauty and destruction, civilization and nature. I feel like in our current world we’re often reminded of how climate change can affect wildlife, and we can also derive some comfort from the adaptability and resiliency of our animal friends. But still, people reminding of these things can easily come across as preachy, or idealistic. Which I imagine would be much more acute in a world so recently destroyed. We don’t know exactly how it was destroyed here, but it seems recent enough that many are still dwelling on what was lost, and extreme enough that mountains toppled. But still, these words give me hope now, and I like to think they would have the same effect on the speaker’s audience. Extremely well done. When the World Ends In some ways, this felt like a very top-down view of the apocalypse event from someone who has seen many apocalypse events. It felt a bit more like a speech given by someone who watched it happen, or it happened before their time. It didn’t feel quite as much like these events were experienced by the person conveying them. Which didn’t really bother me, until the POV linguist character was introduced at the end. At that point the perspective on the story shifted. This is an account being written for future generations, to “remember”. I think that is an important aspect to consider: what does this writer want future generations to remember? What life was like when there was electricity? What people experienced while everything was stopping, the chaos/confusion/death? Or to remember the resiliency and resolve that’s inside everyone? If this is a piece written by someone who lived through the apocalypse, as a message to future generations, the descriptions are interesting. Would their audience know what things like “phone”, “click of a button”, “life support”, “planes and satellites”, etc. mean? If the audience for this piece is future generations who have known only this life, does it make sense to say things like “But life finds a way, like the guy in that movie said.” when they’ve never seen any movies and only broadly understand what they are? This feels like a really awesome jumping-off point for a story. I found myself actually really wanting to know what a slice of life was like for this POV character. What the “little errands” are that they do, what they’re keeping watch for, things like that. Or, if this is intended to be a sort of “found footage” account, it feels like the first page, an introduction or thesis statement. But the rest of the account is what could be really interesting. We’ll Be Right Back I really enjoyed the timing of this piece, being near enough to the apocalypse that some still remember what life was like then, but also removed enough that life has taken a new shape. It made David’s character and perspective in this piece really great. He understands his audience and how to tell them stories that provide wonder and entertainment, but also that they’ll connect to. He has a keen understanding of what is really the heart of post-apocalypse stories: human nature and what it preserves and will always find its way back to. I will say, I was a bit confused at the beginning of the piece. I didn’t really understand what was happening, or where David was. Because of the description of the audience and his memorization of the blocking, I thought he was onstage. I’m not sure if any kind of different structure/formatting might clarify that a bit more. But I spent more time finding my footing in the story than I would have expected. I think with a less skilled writer, David’s passing in this story could feel trite or even cliche. But I think you handled it very well. I definitely felt an emotional response, and the kind of warm sadness felt when someone dies who has lived a very full life. David was ready for death, but it still feels like the other people in the story did lose someone important, someone who was a beloved person and also a valued resource. City Limits Ooh this is very nice and fun. I absolutely love the language and descriptions of the monsters. I LOVE MONSTERS. They’re so very good. How you describe the monsters and the Mechanisms and the events that unfolded is chilling and fascinating. It feels much more like a description from someone who lived through these things and felt that fear firsthand. It also is peppered with some of that delightful language people use when telling things to young whippersnappers, which is a nice way to feel the character is very real. “a beast that was slippery to the eye” I like these words. You’ve done some very impressive worldbuilding here, but in a way that feels personal, engaging and visceral. It’s not the kind of big-picture, distanced world building that feels like a campaign setting description. But a universe and a world that actual people and creatures live in. Also very good use of the flash rule song. Peace Orb I really enjoy the emotion of this piece. Both men know that this orb doesn’t have magical powers of peace. But they seem to understand that sometimes people need an excuse to feel the things they want to feel, and act upon the things they want. Some aspects of this are a bit confusing to me. For instance, the Wanderer seems familiar with this area, and calls the fortifications “recent”. But the old man seems to indicate that this community has been together (and at this location?) for sixteen years? I will also admit that it took me a few reads before I think I realized the implications of “‘You didn’t break your own legs.’” At first, I didn’t even know who was talking there. I know toward the beginning you call the old man crippled, but I guess I just thought he had old man mobility issues, not two broken legs. But then the old man doesn’t really react or acknowledge that. So are they both recognizing the fact that the community isn’t actually peaceful, in the same way they know the Peace Orb actually isn’t doing anything? Or is this community plagued by outside violence, hence the fortification and the broken legs? Sort of confronting that the extent to which a community is peaceful is limited by their surroundings? I think it’s fine if these are questions you didn’t want your readers to have the answers to, but I sort of feel like I’m meant to have the answers and I don’t? I might be missing something. I think some more reactions from the old man might clarify some things. But from the moment the Wanderer scoffs until the end, all we’re told is “the old man said”, then he looks down, raises his gaze again, then another “the old man said.” I don’t feel like I have enough information to know if the old man is lying to the Wanderer, to himself, both, or neither. I Slept Through the End of the World This piece filled me with longing, sadness, loneliness. It was beautiful and evocative, quiet and contemplative. As the POV character goes on their journey, their experiences were so viscerally described. I don’t understand what exactly is happening, or has happened, to them, but that doesn’t bother me because they don’t know either. Maybe they’re so lonely they’ve started to hallucinate. Maybe they are incapable of death, and now live the isolated existence of being the only one who is. Maybe they are part whale and are drawn to live with the other whales. It’s a bit magical and profound not to know, and gives the story’s ending a sense of wonder that makes it feel a bit lighter. Overall this is extremely well done. I don’t know that I entirely latched on in an empathetic way to the POV character, but that didn’t diminish my emotional response or enjoyment. When the Sleeper Wakes This is a really nice piece of cosmic horror. The descriptions of The Sleeper are compelling and terrifying. The scene described within the family was extremely cool and chilling. The father’s chaotic excitement, the mother and POV character’s fearful reticence, and the brother’s unnerving stillness. Then the very alien scream! Though I will say, I was a little thrown off by the shriek being described as having “syllables”, which isn’t something I would associate with a shriek. I did really like the idea of this shriek becoming more and more alien, then sort of “infecting” the father. The structure of this is throwing me off a little bit. It sort of feels like the first, fourth, and fifth paragraphs are one continuous thought, and then the second and third paragraphs were thrown in the middle. But those two paragraphs were my favorite part. I wonder if the fourth paragraph could get moved after the first? Though that would require some tweaking of the intro to the final paragraph. But either way I think some part of me wanted a sort of segway or transition between the very legendary descriptions of The Sleeper and the events within the family. The family part felt really compelling, so I wanted to be the grounding part of the piece, with the cosmic intro and resolution as supplementary framework. As-is it feels a bit thrown in. The second paragraph does have a little grammatical weirdness that was a bit distracting. But nothing that really derailed things. The Line Is All I really recognize and appreciate what this piece is doing. It’s incredibly thoughtful, imagining a future where society has fallen, and future generations regard capitalism with religious reverence. The Wall Street and stock market touchpoints were consistent and effective. I really enjoy writing that treats familiar things as unfamiliar, and especially within this sort of far-future lens. You did that very well. Within this framework, the whole idea of stonks going up and down does feel very arcane, which also somehow makes our whole modern focus on them feel trivial. That said, it is a very cerebrally written piece. That’s not an inherently bad thing, but it made it a little bit less compelling for me to read. I found myself reading and rereading each paragraph, digging through a sea of proper nouns. Once I realized what the piece was doing it all made more sense, but at first it sort of felt like expository worldbuilding for a much longer story. the pack I loved this use of the flash. You incorporated both the disco [ball] and the inferno, which I appreciated very much. Also bonus points for including a dog and not letting him get hurt, always big pluses for me. This piece definitely captures that feeling/essence of survival mode. The dog is primarily motivated by the most base urge for food, even risking his safety to get it. The imagery is very effective and I feel like I have a very clear picture of events as they unfold. The descriptive language in this piece is very evocative, though it feels a bit inconsistent. It describes automobiles as “colorful metal beasts”, which indicates the dog’s limited perspective. However, it also uses “asphalt”, “deep reddish purple”, “blood orange”, and other descriptors that feel incompatible with the framework of the dog's perspective. I think for the title to be a bit more effective, we might need more of an indication early on that this dog would prefer to be a part of a pack. The first indication of that is “He both worries and hopes that other dogs are there eating his meal.” Why would he hope there are other dogs stealing his food? Up to this point we’ve been told “he has been alone for many sleeps and many meals”, but not that it bothers him. I know it’s become an assumption that post-apocalyptic stories involve some degree of loneliness, but I think if that were really established at the beginning, the ending would be much more satisfying. it’s all about the timing Oh what a delightful, silly piece. It was very fun to have a bit of levity, even within a story involving murderous marauders. I think one of the best parts about post-apocalyptic stories involves the recognition that some aspects of humanity are consistent even in very drastic situations. And it’s very amusing to imagine that, even in a very different world with dire stakes, some of us will always just be big ol’ dorks. This story is definitely not as serious or profound as some of the others, but it’s still pretty great. The characters were clear, and the glimpse of the world was effective. It wasn’t overly specific, but didn’t need to be to establish the setting and stakes. I was very entertained. Occupational Health and Safety Wow the imagery in this one is VIVID. It’s extremely cool and also gross (in a great way). I will say though that the grammatical structure did distract me from fully experiencing the world of the story. The sentences ran on in a way that made me lose focus a bit, and I couldn’t really see the events unfold until a re-read. There were some details and specificity I found particularly engaging, like the bit about the tuna cans. Such an evocative detail, which really makes you picture the worms just diving right into the rubber boots to slurp up the humans inside. So gross and scary. I really liked the idea of the ending, with this lone person on scaffolding, unable to descend because they’re surrounded by carnivorous worms (though this is unsurprising because I’m a huge fan of the movie Tremors). I’m a little surprised at how immediately nonchalant the POV character seems about this situation though. Like, he just witnessed something horrifying, frantically laughed to prevent himself from screaming to death… but then just a few moments later he’s just shrugging and hanging out having a smoke. A Thousand Flowers Oh goodness. This is so beautiful and sad. I experienced such a wide range of emotions while reading this. It felt like it captured Julia and Carla’s decades together. The joy they’ve felt, the life they’ve built, and now the uncertainty of the end. Particularly gut-wrenching was the dichotomy of Julia’s thoughts in the final paragraph. It’s such a terribly familiar feeling to be begging the universe to let your loved one stay with you, while also reassuring them it’s okay if they can’t. I’m not sure I would have clocked this story as being post-apocalyptic if I didn’t know the theme for the week. Maybe because it seems to be more removed from the sort of tropes of apocalypsey stuff, which is not necessarily bad. But it felt just like they lived in a remote community that had experienced a decline, not necessarily a larger apocalyptic style event. Carla having this serious illness and calling it “the rot” seems to imply that this was maybe something involved in the world as we now know it ending, but there’s no mention of it being contagious or anything so it’s not super clear. It did, however, make excellent use of the flash. It’s clear in this story that something beautiful will, in fact, remain. Their love for each other, the beautifully described glasswork, the lively community. These things are all conveyed in such a way that makes clear that the pain they’re going through will indeed leave beautiful echoes in their world. The Dance Boss of Disco City Okay I’m going to be completely honest, I’m not sure what’s happening here. It’s well-written, well-crafted, and there’s a mention of goons, all of which lead me to believe this is some sort of allegorical in-joke by an experienced Something Awful person? Unfortunately I’m still very new to TD and thoroughly unaccustomed to SA. Maybe it’s an illustration of TD itself? I tried to find some clues in this piece, but this sort of feels to me like other times where I’ve tried to understand something in TD only to find out it’s a somewhat elaborate in-joke. Bailey Fontane anagrams to “beefy national”? That’s the best I’ve got. I may be completely off-base though and this is an original piece not intended as any kind of allegory. Like I said, it’s extremely well-written, so I apologize that it seems to have gone over my head. Footy on the Brain Hahaha what an amusing and bizarre story! I’m reading these on the archive in judgemode and when I get to a story with a flash, I pull up the lyrics to the song and read them before I read the story. And this was very much not what I expected from that song! But there’s a literal heart thief [lizard] in the story so hard to argue with that. The stakes in this piece are all over the place, in a way that feels very intentional. When it starts out, I’m like “oh wow the apocalypse is going to have happened while they’re off camping!” And then we learn the POV character is in a long-term relationship while not being publicly “out” and I’m like “oooh personal, relatable human things in the middle of an apocalypse story, very cool.” And then they pull into the driveway and mom’s car is there and I’m like “oh no what are they going to walk into? Is this going to be really sad?” But then it becomes clear that this is an entertaining absurdist piece with talking lizards, skulls that hinge open so the brains can pop in and out, and it was all just very unexpected and absolutely delightful. It was a cartoonishly fun ride, but with actual human interactions happening between the absurdism. I liked it very much. I especially loved the part with them thinking, “I’m just relieved that coming out seems to have gone much smoother than I’d expected” while they are holding Toby’s brain in a jar. You Are Mine It’s always refreshing to hear stories of how characters in post-apocalyptic stories don’t just survive, but thrive. And then later, how the characters who have known nothing but that life become extremely well-suited to it. Cassie found herself in an unexpected but not unwelcome situation, and subsequently in an unexpected but not unwelcome relationship with her daughter. It’s a very compelling situation and dynamic. I like how the title of the piece ties to its ending. Were it not for the title, I would probably assume the words Cassie spoke were something along the lines of “I love you”, which probably would have been more confusing to someone who had never heard them before. I will admit that “you are mine” doesn’t convey quite as much affection as it does possessiveness to me. But if Cassie is someone who didn’t desire a child, the fact that she feels that strong of a connection to Tessa must be profoundly meaningful to her. I’m not sure why but something that struck me right away was that Cassie left her property and headed out into the woods, and I wasn’t clear why? If the house abutted the woods anyway, I didn’t see why she couldn’t keep living there, even without power and utilities. Surely it would be a cleaner and safer place to have a baby. How to Forget the End of the World This piece really seems to revolve around these two characters, their relationship, and their differing views on how to contextualize their relationship with the Past. They have opposing perspectives, or so it seems to the POV character, who seems frustrated with the clever “kid”. They seem to have some sort of relationship to each other, though I’m not clear what it is. But it seems important to both of them that the other understands their perspective, and they do seem to rub off on each other a little. The characters themselves don’t feel particularly grounded to me. I understand in a piece this short that it’s hard to paint a clear picture, but there is a degree of specificity lacking from both of them. They speak in sort of broad generalities that makes the whole conversation feel a little more like a video game cutscene than an actual exchange between two people. They have different perspectives, but why? Are their backgrounds different? We don’t know where they came from, or how they came to be together. Are they traveling together? Are they family? Did they just meet a couple days before? I really couldn’t tell you from reading this. Without those touchpoints, this is sort of just two blurry characters expressing opinions. I as the reader am not even sure which I’m supposed to sympathize or agree with more, not having the context for what has happened to their world. Though I Fear, I Still Walk CW: Suicide Idk if it’s customary to put CW on things here, but I did so just in case. This story is about a student wizard who attempted to erase herself from existence, but instead seems to have frozen all life other than herself. A very heart-wrenching premise. Now, rather than ending her life, she is determined to reverse the spell so others may continue, even if she still chooses not to. That last part is unclear, whether she still intends to unalive herself if her current plans are successful. I hope she chooses not to. In the story, she expresses regret at freezing everyone, and with language people tend to use after a suicide (e.g. “If Imber hadn’t refused Werlian’s invitation on that day…”). But it’s unclear if she regrets the intention of her spell. This story is filled with hope, plans, intentions. All very interesting in a story whose POV character expresses a desire to not exist. In that respect it also gives me hope for Imber. She is compelled to put things right for the people around her, and still feels a connection to them. “Imber wanted to die, but she couldn’t live with the fact that…” maybe this was intentional juxtaposition, but in this case it felt odd to use “couldn’t live with” something to indicate a reason why a person couldn’t die. Overall I really enjoyed reading this, even if it made me a little sad. I really feel for Imber and hope for the best for her. Ozymandias I think my favorite thing about the story is the sort of cinematic shift in the scope from which we’re viewing this tableau. We begin extremely zoomed in, our vision just the size of a raindrop. We slowly zoom out and see the tire, then the car and its contents, then the precarious position the car is in. When the dandelions enter our scope, we zoom back in again, first on the dandelion clump, then just one, and finally the single seed. We follow its flight until it stops and we are left with the stillness. This entire sequence is extremely effective. The variety held my attention and captured the entire scene in an extremely digestible and interesting way. I’m pretty impressed by how much emotion you were able to convey in this piece, despite the fact that you didn’t use particularly emotional language. The descriptors are rather objective, describing the scene as it appears. But your careful use of exactly what is being described and how really conveys the heaviness of feeling. That, paired with the title, really drives home the feeling that we humans, like Shelley’s Ramesses II, view ourselves as eternal, powerful over our domain, having “conquered” nature to become the dominant species. But now here in this piece, it’s all gone. At least, everything that is a part of our sense of human civilization. The only life we see is the rain, the bird, the dandelion, the moss. The very nature we viewed ourselves as having dominion over. They Were Right I enjoy the premise for this piece: a journalist is covering what they consider to be yet another kooky cult, only to learn that their apocalyptic predictions were actually accurate. Once learning this, they decide to engage more actively with the cult rather than watching them from afar. It would have been nice to gain a little more specificity with either the character, the setting, or the cult. They’re all painted with fairly broad strokes so it’s hard to feel like I can really relate to what’s going on or imagine myself in this person’s shoes. In a piece that’s only a few hundred words long, the first sentence needs to carry a lot of weight. It’s usually punchy, emotional, and helps open the curtain and set the stage. The first sentence here does provide some context, but it’s also a bit lengthy to really snag the reader’s attention. Then using “20XX” was an interesting choice. I wasn’t sure why. Did the cult merely predict the calendar day and time, but didn’t know what year it would happen? In that case, including the year at all wouldn’t make sense. Maybe choosing not to select a year was intended to make the piece a bit more timeless? I’m not clear on that and it distracted me more than it probably should have. Another thing to watch out for: inconsistency with tenses. Some sentences here were in past tense and others were in present tense. It added to the sort of jarring confusion, but in a way that was also a bit more distracting than helpful, I think. In the Garden There is some incredibly evocative imagery here. The way you’ve juxtaposed death/bodies/skeletons with life/nature/fruit is really stark and effective. I could very clearly see the things you were describing in my mind. You’ve painted a really colorful, even beautiful, picture of this world. New life has begun to grow and form here. One thing I’m not sure I understood about this piece was the inclusion of descriptions of weapons. Fie keeps her rifle close to her, and her bayonet in her jacket. She sleeps high on a perch, and carefully peers out with her spyglass before emerging. These are details that seem to convey a constant threat, from which she must guard and defend herself. But then every other detail in the piece seems to describe a lonely solitude. “Now it was over, and there was no one left who could explain it.” If there was no one left, why does she seem to be so careful? I think this lack of specificity here prevents me from fully understanding Fie’s mindset or her role within this world. The Eye of the Aftermath Oh wow. What a piece! MockingQuantum got home from work while I was reading this and he was like “how’s it going?” and I was like “This story has a lot of poop in it! But, like… violent poop” I’m not going to say I *enjoyed* reading this per se, because I’m not sure I was intended to be like “Whee! What fun!” But I will say that I was extremely engaged and had an incredibly strong reaction to this. The language you used was absolutely visceral and disturbing in an incredibly effective way. I was extra disturbed because I didn’t know what an eye-tooth was so I thought that was an especially horrifying thing in the world of the story. I looked it up though so it does make more sense now. Still disturbing, but less so than if the character was growing teeth from their eyeballs. This was a very different take on the post-apocalyptic prompt. Here we see a character who seems to be emotionally and physically incompatible with their current world. And yet they persist, no matter how poor their quality of life may be. But at the same time, it’s not really hopeful, and in fact is probably quite the opposite. Proselytize My Child, of the Darkest Black I believe this is a story about a Lovecraftian-style endless being who feels existence through color. They become obsessed with a goth kid they encountered and then lost. They then move through existence inadvertently destroying worlds, trying to make them understand how rad the goth kid was. I’m sorry if that seems reductive. I don’t mean it to; I’m just not very bright so when pieces have a huge scope I have to simplify it for myself. I am impressed with how much you were able to describe the thought process of (what I think is?) an eternal being. They don’t see existence, or life, or beauty, or colors, the same way that we do. Their pursuits and goals are opaque. Yet the pursuit itself is so clearly described here. Combined with the descriptions of colors, it definitely feels like synesthesia of intention. I’m still not certain I understood everything that was going on here, but I think I liked it. The Women of Troy Very cool! What a super neat take on the prompt. Focusing not on some hypothetical ending to the world as we know it, but rather choosing a familiar story and focusing on the world that ends within it. Much like our history, these grand stories with war and heroes seem to forget the very real lives destroyed in the aftermath of events. You did a really great job of combining the touchpoint information, which ties it to the story we know, with emotional language to make it all feel personable, fresh, and relevant. The POV character seems to take us through various phases of her grief as she processes all that she has lost, how this came about, and what her life looks like now. It is a bleak perspective to be sure, but you’ve also managed to make it feel all too familiar. Bonelord Trevor This was extremely fun and satisfying. I was very entertained by the characters, descriptions, and events. There was emotional levity, but it was grounded in very specific details that helped add to the amusement. The characters themselves were having a Serious Conversation, which made our view of the events even more comical. The ending was punchy and funny and capped it off in a satisfying and consistent way. I don’t have much else to say other than: I think you were effective in what you set out to accomplish! Cutting up the Hours This was a very tidy, contemplative piece with relatively low stakes. Our POV character is taking refuge in an abandoned office building while they wait out a storm. We don’t know where they’re going, where they’re coming from, or what their daily life is like outside of this. But they take this moment here in time to reminisce about their brother and his life/accomplishments before things changed. The language itself is clear and well-crafted. There is a longing for the things familiar to the POV character: their brother, their music, the accessibility of needed things (like batteries). But in this piece, it seems to be an ingrained longing, one that has made a home in this person’s mind. It’s not an acute, painful longing anymore. But more a reminiscing reminder to themselves of bygone things they once enjoyed. Chernobyl in Verdigris Gorgeous imagery, really engaging all the senses. This piece is undeniably well-written and well-crafted. But I think the use of such heightened language diminishes the emotional impact for me. It speaks so loftily that it makes it much more difficult for any of the feelings experienced by the characters to really resonate with me as a reader. I don’t feel like I identify or connect with them as people because my brain is too busy parsing the poetic language. Absolutely stellar writing, and everything included is so intentional that I don’t feel there’s much for me to comment on.
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Jun 13, 2023 22:46
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