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cruft

My sister-in-law gave me a bunch of episodes of The Love Boat for some reason, so I'm watching them. I'll report in here.

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cruft

Season 02, Episodes 01-02

The crew takes a trip to a deserted island only to discover it's inhabited by crazy Gomez Addams, who takes them hostage at gunpoint and forces them to plan a surprise birthday party. They make plans to escape, but are thwarted by the arrival of a hurricane. An old lady inexplicably grows affection for the captor, and by the end of the double-episode plans the surprise party, then decides to stay behind and keep him company as she lives out the last few months of her terminal illness.

Meanwhile, Isaac the bartender manages to pull the wool over the eyes of a sexy model by having the crew talk him up like he's some rich successful dude. When she finds out he's the ship's bartender, she's angry, but, because she's a woman and therefore flighty, comes around to forgiving him after he takes responsibility for the safety of the passengers when the idiot acting captain doesn't. A love connection happens.

Finally, a woman who is a total jackass to her husband, during the hurricane on the island, confesses to him that the romance is gone, and she wants a real man. Her husband lowers his voice and makes up some stories about sleeping with a whole lot of women before he met her, and this somehow rekindles the romantic spark in their marriage.

cruft

Season 02, Episode 03

Julie, the cruise director, is expecting her parents on board. Turns out her father is Mister Roper. He and the Mrs let Julie know they're getting a divorce. Julie is pissed, but starts trying to hook them up with sexy singles on board. They don't like it and decide to get back together. Julie gets a compliment from her boss for hooking up two more people.

A TV censor winds up falling for a prude who passes out pamphlets about moral vices. They have a lot of stupid interactions where they try not to kiss, then they finally kiss and it's really traumatic for both of them. Then they discover they're roommates, and decide to get married. A whole lot of fuckin' ensues, proving that even prudes like TV censors can find love, however unlikely.

A girl who wears baseball caps and sports jerseys befriends Danny Zuko's sister's son. She tries dressing up all girly for the boy, but he hates it. She decides to go back to presenting the way she's comfortable. Then they find out she's moving to his school district, and he asks her to a dance.

cruft

End credits note: The Love Boat's executive producer is Aaron Spelling, Tori Spelling's dad.

cruft

Hmm. Seems like they asked three writers to come up with separate short plays, and one episode was all three stories mashed together. The stories don't seem to interact with each other in any way.

That was probably a pretty smart way to ensure you have enough material for a weekly show!

cruft

Uh oh, these episodes are out of order. Stand by...

(Also, I'm tired of watching The Love Boat)

Sarah Cenia

Laying in the forest, by the water
Underneath these ferns
You'll never find me
thank you for your report, I'll take it under advisement




thanks deep dish peat moss and big black turnout!!

cruft

Season 02, Episode 04

A dude dates three women at the same time and they find out, but decide he's a pretty okay dude.

A couple find out they both slept with someone else, but decide maybe that's okay.

Some guy fakes a back injury but gives up the charade after a flaky woman with a torpedo bra shows interest in him.

cruft

I'm trying hard to view this with the lens of what came before it, culturally. But it's still really uncomfortable how women are treated in this show.

Also this isn't as funny as I thought it would be. So if anybody has any love boat anecdotes, or boat anecdotes, or love anecdotes, please chime in?

Barco Fiesta




a fantasy of olives
the love borat

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


Do you have any Barney Miller or Fantasy Island?

DamnCanadian

Perpetuating the stereotype since 1978.
the Screw Canoe

Moo Cowabunga

[Office Worker.




Barco Fiesta posted:

the love borat

very nice



Platinum User Pot Smoke Phoenix!

VANISHER

HEATHER PAPPS

https://giant.gfycat.com/WellgroomedImperfectHaddock.webm the vanisher

Buttchocks

No, I like my hat, thanks.
The show is a lot more enjoyable after they find the little man in the boat.

Stoner Sloth

Buttchocks posted:

The show is a lot more enjoyable after they find the little man in the boat.

baka of lathspell

cruft posted:

Season 02, Episodes 01-02

Finally, a woman who is a total jackass to her husband, during the hurricane on the island, confesses to him that the romance is gone, and she wants a real man. Her husband lowers his voice and makes up some stories about sleeping with a whole lot of women before he met her, and this somehow rekindles the romantic spark in their marriage.

lmao

Dr. Honked

eat it you slaaaaaaag
Jordan Peterson learned everything he knows by watching the entire series



thanks deep dish pete moss and Plant MONSTER

FutonForensic

CJ put on an episode of Fantasy Island where a guest's Fantasy is to get married in six days. Her ex-fiance (who dumped her because he is literally allergic to the word "marry") gets jealous seeing her with other men, and spreads a rumor that she's a prostitute, leading to her being harassed.

In retaliation, she pretends to actually become a prostitute, staging a foursome that drives the ex-fiance into a rage and breaks down the door into her room. He proclaims his love and they get re-engaged, his allergy cured.

Another guest's Fantasy was to uncover an Egyptian tomb on the island. The island is located near the Caribbean.


FutonForensic

Also every joke in Fantasy Island is the little person "Tattoo" wanting to gently caress, and everyone responding "gently caress YOU YOU'RE SHORT"

I'm glad everyone from the 70s are all dead and buried


cruft

FutonForensic posted:

CJ put on an episode of Fantasy Island where a guest's Fantasy is to get married in six days. Her ex-fiance (who dumped her because he is literally allergic to the word "marry") gets jealous seeing her with other men, and spreads a rumor that she's a prostitute, leading to her being harassed.

In retaliation, she pretends to actually become a prostitute, staging a foursome that drives the ex-fiance into a rage and breaks down the door into her room. He proclaims his love and they get re-engaged, his allergy cured.

Another guest's Fantasy was to uncover an Egyptian tomb on the island. The island is located near the Caribbean.

Aaron Spelling is also responsible for Fantasy Island! The similarity is not a coincidince.

FutonForensic

Yeah I've got a Spelling for you: A.W.F.U.L.L.


cruft

Season 02, Episode 05

Julie's Aunt: The captain's uncle shows up and starts aggressively sexually harassing Julie (the cruise director). I'm talking like physical assault: grabbing her, throwing her to the ground, while the laugh track rolls on. She repeatedly seeks the help of her (men) co-workers, who are sympathetic but reluctant to intervene. Eventually she convinces Gopher to dress as her police inspector aunt to thwart his advances, which he does. Then the uncle starts harassing Gopher, but quickly repents when he realizes Gopher is a dude.

Where Is It Written?: An author and his editor board the ship, with the editor's wife. The editor won't stop working, so the wife hangs out with the author instead. He keeps putting the moves on her, which she rejects. Eventually the editor notices, and they have a ridiculous fistfight which results in them all getting dumped into the pool. This convinces her that she actually still likes her limp-dicked husband, and he agrees to stop working while on vacation, just as the vacation ends.

The Big Deal: some woman shows up with her dad and her dad's business partner. The dad's business partner lecherously eyes her and decides somehow that she's part of the business deal. She goes along with it because she wants her dad to succeed, but then she meets Ponch from C.H.I.P.S. and realizes she still holds a candle for him from high school. Lecherous guy gets all jealous and I don't know what happens next because I stopped caring.

cruft

One of my favorite parts so far is when the wife says she's being considered for this big promotion at work, and her husband tells her she should stay at home instead:

husband posted:

... you'd be good at anything you tried. But the thing you're best at is being my wife.
Boy do I brag about you to my buddies overseas. I told those guys you can cook up a Sunday dinner that would put the Ritz to shame, and that you've got a shape that makes Charlie's Angels look like Hogan's Heroes.

wife posted:



Of course the laugh track and editing completely fail to do anything at all with this spot-on reaction from the actress.

cruft fucked around with this message at 17:54 on Jan 24, 2023

cruft

Season 02, Episode 06

The Witness: Mike Brady was a witness to some heinous crime. He falls in love with some lady who also knows about the crime, and the crime weighs on him so much that their relationship is tortured and boring. Oh, snap the murder victim was her brother. What are the odds?

Mike and Ike: Isaac the Bartender recognizes a family (they're also black, of course). Turns out the three adults were in a doo-wop band together. The dad nows owns a bunch of car dealerships and can't stay off the phone long enough to hang out with his son. Isaac tries to convince the dad to spend time with his son. I actually like how Isaac was portrayed here, he starts to show some real depth of character.

The Kissing Bandit: Miracle Max dresses up every night with a mask, cape, and fedora, and runs around the ship grabbing women and kissing them. Meanwhile there's a woman actually interested in him during the day, and he's skipping out on her to do his kissing rounds at night. This one actually made me laugh, a Love Boat first. Right until the crew decides to use Julie as "bait" to catch the kissing bandit. In hindsight, maybe sexual assault isn't all that funny.

The actress who played Julie wound up addicted to cocaine, and was one of the very first Hollywood people to openly admit they had a drug problem. They dropped her from the show, but she did make a full recovery right around the time The Love Boat ended its run.

cruft

Season 02, Episode 07

Ship of Ghouls

Story 1: Some white lady is all self-conscious because she has a scar on her face.

Story 2: The owner of The House on Haunted Hill is an illusionist whose wife is upset that he can't leave his work behind.

Story 3: Some kid is worried that his dad might leave for a whole year again, which makes him a pathological liar.

cruft

FutonForensic posted:

CJ put on an episode of Fantasy Island where a guest's Fantasy is to get married in six days. Her ex-fiance (who dumped her because he is literally allergic to the word "marry") gets jealous seeing her with other men, and spreads a rumor that she's a prostitute, leading to her being harassed.

In retaliation, she pretends to actually become a prostitute, staging a foursome that drives the ex-fiance into a rage and breaks down the door into her room. He proclaims his love and they get re-engaged, his allergy cured.

Another guest's Fantasy was to uncover an Egyptian tomb on the island. The island is located near the Caribbean.

Is this a real episode?

Manifisto


cruft posted:

Is this a real episode?

what I love about this thread so far is that literally everything seems kind of like it's made up

FutonForensic

cruft posted:

Is this a real episode?

Don't believe me? It's all in the numbers: S2E4, S2E5


Buttchocks

No, I like my hat, thanks.

FutonForensic posted:

Don't believe me? It's all in the numbers: S2E4, S2E5

That's terror...ible

cruft

FutonForensic posted:

Also every joke in Fantasy Island is the little person "Tattoo" wanting to gently caress, and everyone responding "gently caress YOU YOU'RE SHORT"

While I haven't seen Fantasy Island, I want to assure everybody in the thread that this would be totally on-brand for The Love Boat, so I don't doubt the claim at all.

cruft

Season 02, Episode 08

Julie’s sporting a new hair style in this episode!

## Anoushka

Hot Lips Houlihan boards the ship as a godless commie cruise director, in some sort of east/west cruise staff exchange program. She talks to Julie about the glass ceiling, making this perhaps the first episode that passes the Bechdel test. The doctor gets bored and wanders off.

Comrade Hot Lips asks Julie to do her hair and makeup, then shows up to dinner looking sexy. Suddenly the doctor wants to talk to her, proving, I guess, that the doctor is a pig.

Comrade Hot Lips decides she’s way more interested in the doctor than her career, and she spends the rest of the episode pursuing him. He proposes marriage at the end of the 3-day cruise, but she has to go back to Russia.

## Accidental Cruise

Soupy Sales shows up drunk with his secretary. Turns out they don’t have tickets, they thought they were going to his apartment. She confesses her love to him, but he just wants her to take dictation.

I’m deeming this “Love Boat Plot #1”: man can’t stay away from work.

Toward the end, she forcibly kisses him, prompting the crew to use the word “assault” for the first time this season.

## The Song is Ended

Susan/Sharon’s older sister and her husband take their first vacation without kids. They run into the host of Family Feud, and realize their marriage has failed.

But then the game show host sings a song, and they decide to stick together.

The actors almost got a tear out of me. Could just be Love Boat Fatigue though.

## A Time for Everything

Within 30 seconds it becomes clear the captain is a father to an orphaned love child. The rest of the story proceeds to slowly reveals additional clues, in case the viewer is an idiot. The captain spends a lot of time staring off-screen as the camera zooms in. Sometimes this triggers a flashback.

Then the little girl leaves, and the captain reads through a bunch of love letters he’s kept from her mom.

Between this attempt at a tear-jerking ending, and Hot Lips crying about having to go back to Russia, this probably qualifies as “A Very Special Love Boat”

cruft

Season 02, Episode 09

## Till Death Do Us Part

JJ (Good Times) and Vy (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) board, but it turns out she killed him by putting lighter fluid on his cole slaw, and he’s a ghost now.

JJ Tries to hook her up with Barney Collier (Mission: Impossible) and a bunch of other (black) guys. But because she’s having a conversation with a ghost, she winds up saying all sorts of off-putting things to the (black) people who keep coming up to her.

It’s just that same joke, repeated for 30 minutes, and interspersed with JJ tossing out one-liners that sidle right up next to being funny.

JJ gets all butthurt when she winds up actually liking Barney, and tells her 2 years of mourning isn’t enough. But he has a change of heart and pushes her down the stairs, which causes Barney to propose.

## Chubs

Gopher’s sister is on this cruise. Seems she was fat when she was younger, giving the crew an opportunity to make a bunch of fat jokes. Ha ha! Fat jokes! Anyway, she finally shows up, and what do you know, Gopher’s sister is Hot Mary Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie)! Boy, is she hot! And she’s looking for some action!

She keeps trying to hook up with doc, but he’s put off because, “you’re 18 and you’re Gopher’s sister”. So the recurring character estableshed as “mister casual hook-up” gives Hot Mary Ingalls a lecture about holding out for true love.

## Maybe

Laurie Strode (Halloween) and her husband, “Sir Not Appearing In The Credits”, are annoyed when Laurie’s parents show up.

Husband tries repeatedly to engage her, but she’s too busy being a jerk, having decided that because her parents divorced, she will too.

On seeing that her parents have made up, Laurie decides not to divorce Husband after all.

## Locked Away

Mister Drummond (Diff’rent Strokes) and Marion Crane (Psycho), Laurie’s divorced parents, get locked in a room together. They hate each other.

Being locked in the same room forces them to finally work through their issues, and they leave a happy couple again.

In earlier days, I would have thought that “doorknob came off, now you’re locked in” was pretty flimsy. But recently I got to witness three teenagers spend four days failing to open a vacation home’s front door from the inside. So maybe this isn’t as ridiculous as I thought.

----

Screen capture: Julie wondering who the hell Vy is talking to.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

cruft fucked around with this message at 01:50 on Jan 25, 2023

Scuba Trooper

my absolute favorite teacher from film school wrote episodes of fantasy island but NOT the love boat, which is honestly surprising since he wrote for all kinds of poo poo (and tons of it) between 1963 and 1995

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


I'm wondering if there is a single good, non-problematic episode of the love boat now

Buttchocks

No, I like my hat, thanks.
There's the episode where the love boat gets lost in a fog and crashes into the world trade- ohhhhh.

Dr. Honked

eat it you slaaaaaaag

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

I'm wondering if there is a single good, non-problematic episode of the love boat now

the love boat is an allegory for capitalism. it depends on cruelty to function



thanks deep dish pete moss and Plant MONSTER

baka of lathspell

more like the hate boat

cruft

Season 02, Episode 10

It’s thanksgiving on board the Pacific Princess! And presumably off-board too. At least, in the United States.

## Tony’s Family

The ship engineer called in sick, so they ask Tony to stay on another shift, but he’s mad because he was going to spend the holiday with his family. So they’re like, well, just bring them on board. Womp womp, turns out he has six people in his family. And Tony’s mom brought a chicken. Batten down the hatches, here come the immigrant jokes!

Actually, aside from the chicken thing, this wasn’t as bad as I expected. Maybe I’m getting normalized to 1978 suburban America, but I felt like most of the gags fell into two categories:

1. The chicken
2. Struggling to keep six people hidden from the captain

Anyway, they get discovered, and the captain says they have to pay their fares, so the crew offers to pool their money together to pay $1500 for everyone. But then the young boy gives a dollar to a gambler from another story, and God descends from the machinery. The gambler returns with about $75 in coins from the slot machine, and gives it to the family, who uses it to pay off their $1500 debt in entirety.

## The Minister and the Stripper

A lady gets upset that her minister, the captain from Airplane!, falls for a stripper on the cruise, and threatens to have him kicked out by the trustees or the board or something. That means they’re Presbyterian, I think? I never could remember the intricacies of all the protestant governance structures. The her husband threatens to leave her, and she sees the errors of her ways, deciding to use her influence in the governance body to defend the minister’s decision. Then the husband gambles a broke kid’s last dollar, turning it into about $75.

Costuming must have had fun with these two:




This one struck me as actually still relevant today. And the captain from Airplane! did a believable job as a minister. I heard they cast well-known actors to “play it straight” in the Airplane! movies, and boy howdy, this guy was a good casting decision.

##Her Own Two Feet

A newly-blind lady doesn’t want to admit she’s blind. The ship’s doctor convinces her husband that his doting and excuses are making it difficult for her to face reality.

The husband abandons her in their room with a cane, telling her he’ll be in the lounge and he hopes she comes to meet him. She steels her resolve and gets herself down the hall on her own.

I’ll admit it: this one made me cry.

An episode of The Love Boat made me cry. What the heck is wrong with me?

Manifisto


what the gently caress captain stubing, where the gently caress do you think these people are going to get the money to pay full fare for your floating vd incubator? just ignore them!

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baka of lathspell

wait for some reason I thought all this was real

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