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Smik
Mar 18, 2014

It's Story Time!

Let's tell a story. All you have to do is post, and you will be added to the story in some form.

It all starts in a faraway land of...

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Smik
Mar 18, 2014

... in the far away land of Youaraelf, pronounced "You Are A Elf", which was a very strange place indeed. Even though nobody was an elf, everyone in Youaraelf wore false pointed ears. Youaraelf's main exports were shoes and cookies, which was also odd because the average height and weight in Youaraelf was 8 ft, 300 lbs and their very large hands would have been better suited for mighty tasks, but that's just the way things are sometimes.

In this faraway land of Youaraelf there was the wise King AKZ Of Corned Beef, and the equally wise Queen Leper Go-Getter, author of the award winning erotic book of cave diving, "The Bends Over".

They were wise and the nation was mighty and all would be well except for a certain dark nation ruled by the far more nefarious King...

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Smik
Mar 18, 2014

That king was the mighty Wifi Toilet, whose tyrannical rule over the flatulent dark kingdom of Dervinosdoom forced every citizen to endure wi-fi enabled toilets, whose purpose would not be understood until the invention of wi-fi devices several centuries from now. Worse, the wi-fi was slow. Despite his terrible rule, there was no one in the kingdom of Dervinosdoom strong enough to oppose him, and many spent their days huffing their own farts.


Dark King Wifi Toilet

One dark day, the dark King Wifi Toilet summoned to his throne room his most trusted Dragoon, the strangely charismatic EorayMel, who was both a feared hangman and motherfucker.


Dragoon EorayMel

The Dark King Wifi Toilet said to his trusted Dragoon: "You are aware of the fair kingdom of Youaraelf, far to the West?"

"Of course," murmured the Dragoon EorayMel, "It's that stupid kingdom that spends all their time making shoes that do not fit them, and cookies too small for them to eat, because they are idiots who think they are elves?"

"Excellent," sneered the king, "I want you to take your men and travel to Youaraelf, sneak into the castle, and kidnap their precious Princess Funky See Funky Do!"

"It will be done my liege," assured the Dragoon, "For no one can resist my incredible charm!"



The Precious Princess Funky See Funky Do

That night, the Dragoon disguised himself as a dainty chambermaid, which was a believable story considering the average Youaraelf chambermaid was a good foot taller than he was. There, he heard Princess Funky See Funky Do lecturing her lady in waiting about what she perceived as foolishness by the kingdom.

"Don't you see?" sighed the exasperated princess, "We're not elves, we're nothing of the sort! These are just pointed ears we wear, we love our beer, trucks and wives -- in that order!"

Her lady in waiting, Lady Treecko shrugged helplessly for she was just a tiny gecko who made bad choices whenever a phone rotated. Fortunately for her, the rotary phone would not arrive for centuries, so she only had to deal with being a tiny gecko. Unfortunately for her, the vile Dragoon EorayMel had come prepared with his prototype smart-phone of Gecko Confusion. He rotated it and poor Treecko was under its spell.

"Hello, I am a regular chambermaid but I know what you say is true, Princess Funky See Funky Do! Look how my ears come off! Let us away for beer and trucks and wives, in that order and away from this foolish Kingdom!"


Lady in Waiting, Treecko

"He sounds like a smart chamber maid with good advice," agreed poor confused Treecko, "You should totally go with him,"

And thus the nefarious Dragoon kidnapped the princess!

When the King realized what had happened, he made a call out for the Four Great Heroes of Youaraelf!


Sophy Wackles
The Brilliant Gold Knight of Literal Gold! While there were stronger and smarter knights, none had the resources available to Sophy. Sophy was not native to Youaraelf and thus did not wear elf ears.


WAR CRIME GIGOLO
The mighty Rogue of Opening! There was no lock Gigolo couldn't "pick" and by "pick" I mean "rip the thing apart" as Gigolo was a nine foot tall gorilla in the shape of a person wearing elf ears.


Secks Cauldron
The wise wizard! Versed in the dark arts of anime and the relatively normal arts of sorcery.


Bypopular Demand
The bard so charismatic nobody has clued in that she's a giant wasp yet.


As the four heroes arrived, the King and Queen tearfully explained what had happened. They knew that a perilous journey awaited them as they chased the vile Dragoon to the far off kingdom to the east...

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

... first, they would have to travel the great, oddly erotic plains of Turrurrurrurrrrrrr full of wild plains Bison! Many a foolish traveller had lost themselves in the plains, chasing the Bison in search of happy endings.


A great Bison from plains of Turrurrurrurrrrrrr


Then, once past the plains they would need to find their way through the puzzling Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest, named for its population of Lil Swampies (a strange fat race of miniature cow-like people) and vicious Booger Babies. Only great those with cunning or the blood of homosexuality could hope to find their way through.


Puzzling Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest

That was only the start of the journey however! Past the forest was ...

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

... past the forest were the Hills of Titties!


The Hills of Titties

The hills were known for their great peaks and for their screaming mountain men, the Gokus. Only the most resourceful of adventurers could hope to pass them.

Beyond the hills were the dread sucking Swamps of Nigmaetcetera.


The Dread Swamps of Swamps of Nigmaetcetera

Only the mighty would be able to struggle through the stinking swamps, filled with terrible elephant-people.

Once past the swamps, there were only the oddly comical Dark Plains of .random. Only the pure of heart or those with a great catch phrase would be able to persevere across this ground, and from there, the flatulent Kingdom of Dervinosdoom!


The Dark Plains of .random

Leper Go-getter posted:

Well whats the queen up to, just suffering hysteria? Or will she slip out secretely and search for answers (yes)

The Queen is spending quality time with her daughter and not the double they use to confuse would-be kidnappers. Ssssh, it's a twist!

Knowing their path would be perilous, the Four Heroes made their way from the castle and towards the erotic plains of Turrurrurrurrrrrrr and their first challenge!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Treecko posted:

Roll a d6 to see if I snap out of confusion, if so, as a gecko I'll eat the wasp

I rolled a '4'. Let me check my table to see what kind of result that gives...


Sophy Wackles: Lady Demand, forgive my lack of discretion but what is going on with your backside?
Bypopular Demand: It appears to be a small gecko in a dress. It is chewing somewhat.
Sophy Wackles: Shall I remove it?
Bypopular Demand: No.


Our heroes leave the safety of the kingdom of Youaraelf and cross over into the great and oddly erotic plains of Turrurrurrurrrrrrr! After a day's travel and nutritionally questionable rations (cookies) the group makes camp. They watch the herds of sexy Bison pass by.

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Are sexy Bison edible?
Secks Cauldron: Yes, but they're also into vore and it makes everything just so awkward.

As the last rays of sunlight begin to fade, the heroes see a ship approach!

Well, not a proper ship. It's really the size of a dinghy but made up to look like a frigate ship, and it's probably not seaworthy given that it's got wheels and is being pulled by a group of sexy bison.

Secks Cauldron: By the gods! It's a band of Plains Pirates, the Free Hubcaps!!



A band of plains pirates, the Free Hubcaps, approach!


Captain Hubcaps: Yaaaar har har har! Well ye scabies-infested millenials, stand and deliver or ye'll be hav'n avocado toast and be eatin' backside eatin' before we keel-haul ye!
Bypopular Demand: My backside is already being eaten.
Captain Hubcaps: No eedjit, ye'll be eatin' backside, not the other way 'round!
Bypopular Demand: Jealous?
Captain Hubcaps: Shut up! Have at ye!

The pirates attack! The heroes are outnumbered and distracted by their team of sexy Bison. They fight valiantly, but it's the odds are against them and clearly a cunning plan is needed before all is lost! Then just as Sophy Wackles begins to fall to the pirates, Secks Cauldron utilizes the dark power of anime!

Secks Cauldron: CURSE OF UGUU!!



: ... God. Dammit.

The Plains Pirates flee, but not before stealing one of Sophy Wackles' golden asscheeks!

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Ye gods Sophy, are you all right?
Sophy Wackles: Tis but a scratch, I may be half-assed but I'll manage. Come, let us resume camp. We still have a long journey ahead of us.


Meanwhile... (to be continued later)

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile...

Did you think the Dragoon EorayMel and his henchmen could possibly have gotten that far? Of course not, they might have had a full day's lead on our heroes but they too are still crossing the Plains of Turrurrurrurrrrrrr.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: ... and that's when I questioned the wisdom of pretending to be elves.
Dragoon EorayMel: Goddam this was poorly thought out.

His resourceful captain, Orange Cat leans in close.
Orange Cat: Why don't we just gag her already?
Dragoon EorayMel: She's 8 ft and weighs 400 lbs. If we piss her off she will likely kill us all.
Orange Cat: Why don't we kidnap the ham princess? Everyone loves the ham princess.
Dragoon EorayMel: Everyone loves the Kingdom of Ham, which is why we're not screwing with them.
Orange Cat: Hey, what's that on the horizon?
Dragoon EorayMel: I don't know, but it's taking a left turn towards us.


They don't know it, but this is the Legendary Lorry of the Plains, the Istewart

Orange Cat: Is that a plains Bison driving a lorry?
Dragoon EorayMel: Where the hell did they get a lorry from in this day and age?



Dragoon EorayMel: I can't believe they're doing some Flintstone rear end bullshit.
Orange Cat: I can't believe we're about to be run down by a Flintstone rear end Bison-powered lorry.
Dragoon EorayMel: Yeah I can't beli... what?


Meep meep!

Dragoon EorayMel: It's actually coming at us at quite the clip huh? Dumb Sex-Parrot! Front and center!


Hench-Parrot, Dumb Sex-Parrot

Dumb Sex-Parrot: Who me, Boss?
Dragoon EorayMel: Yeah you. Go stop that lorry.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: How?
Dragoon EorayMel: I don't know, you're the cunning one.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: ...
Dragoon EorayMel: What?
Dumb Sex-Parrot: My name is Dumb Sex-Parrot.
Dragoon EorayMel: Yeah, it's an ironic name like Little John.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: No, it's not.
Dragoon EorayMel: ...
Dumb Sex-Parrot: ...
Orange Cat: ...
Dragoon EorayMel: OK well they're sexy Bison, your dumb sex-parrot power should counter it.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: I'm pretty sure they're gay.
Dragoon EorayMel: Give it a shot.

Sadly, Dumb Sex-Parrot was too dumb too argue.



Dragoon EorayMel: I'm sure she's fine.
Orange Cat: At least the Istewart changed course and missed us.

Dumb Sex-Parrot: I loving hate you, Boss.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: See that truck? I love that truck. I'm sad it passed us by.

Meanwhile back with the Four Heroes...
(To be continued after I get some sleep.)

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

As the first rays of dawn fall upon their camp, the Four Heroes get ready to move out. They've barely spent an hour travelling when the ground in front of them erupts!


Fatkraken, Mighty Knight of the Dervinosdoom Kingdom Appears!

Fatkraken: I AM THE MIGHTY KNIGHT of the DERVINOSDOOM KINGDOM! I challenge one of you to a duel!
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: I sure hope he doesn't challenge me, I'm just a rogue!
:Bypopular Demand: You're 9 ft and 600 lbs.
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: I AM A ROGUE.
Fatkraken: He's clearly a rogue.
:Bypopular Demand: You're clearly full of poo poo. Also you're neither fat nor a kraken.
Fatkraken: Oh yeah? Well I challenge you, wiseass.
:Bypopular Demand: Gecko rear end.
Fatkraken: Wut?



Fatkraken: Whatever, let's go.




Fatkraken: MOTHERFUCKER.

:Bypopular Demand: ...
Secks Cauldron: Let's run.


Fatkraken: Oh come on that's not fair. I'm fat and half buried in the ground.
:Bypopular Demand: Byyyyyyyyye

The Four Heroes bravely run away! Fatkraken is left behind to regret his life choices.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile...

Princess Funky See Funky Do: ... and that's why trucks are the best thing ever.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: Shut up, my face still hurts.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Truck love often hurts.
Dragoon EorayMel: I regret all my life choices. At least we're almost at the Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest. Hopefully Fatkraken slowed down anyone who was trailing us.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: Hopefully whoever was trailing us just happened to go near the spot where we buried him. Can krakens survive being buried?
Dragoon EorayMel: It's fine, he's a Plains Kraken.
Orange Cat: We have company.


Skeletal Highwayman (Leader): STAND AND DELIVER!

Dragoon EorayMel: gently caress me, it's Rock Paper Tongue gang!
Dumb Sex-Parrot: God I hate "Rock, Paper, Tongue"
Skeletal Highwayman : We love "Rock, Paper, Tongue"
Dragoon EorayMel: We figured. Dumb Sex-Parrot, you're up again.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: God I hate you, Boss.

Skeletal Highwayman: On the count of three, throw hands! 1... 2... 3!


Skeletal Highwayman : TONGUE!


Dumb Sex-Parrot: ROCK.

Dumb Sex-Parrot: I swear to God Boss, you put me through any more bullshit and I am quitting.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile, back with the Four Heroes...

So fun fact, the door-to-door salesman from Pee-wee's Playhouse gave me terrifying nightmares once where he was a cackling demon with a blood-stained mouth.

SCREEE SCREE SCREE

Plains Salesman: I'm going door-to-door to make you this incredible offer!

Sophy Wackles: Oh God
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: OH GOD
Secks Cauldron: Oh God
Bypopular Demand: Cocks gun

Salesman: It's an amazing offer!

Sophy Wackles: Let's run.
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: I'm scared.
Secks Cauldron: I can't remember my spells.
Bypopular Demand: Takes aim

[/img]Salesman: AN UNBELIEVABLE OFFER!

Sophy Wackles: I can't run while half assed.
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Why is he going door-to-door, there are no doors here?
Secks Cauldron: Something something...
Bypopular Demand: Fires gun


Salesman: NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORE!

Bypopular Demand: OK, NOW I'm scared.

Salesman: This incredible, amazing, unbelievable offer not available in any store -- a Scrotum Modem!

Sophy Wackles: What
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: the
Secks Cauldron: gently caress
Bypopular Demand: is a modem?

Salesman: An incredible tool that lets you connect to the Internet without the need of a wi-fi toilet!
Secks Cauldron: Are you sure you're not an encounter meant for the Dervinosdoom party?
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: What?!
Secks Cauldron: Nothing.

Sophy Wackles: What will it take for you to go away?
Salesman: Money.
Sophy Wackles: How about one golden rear end check?
Salesman: Deal.

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: GOOD GODS, Sophy now you're assless. How does that even work?
Sophy Wackles: Ti's but a scratch. I'm like the tin man, except made of gold. And not prone to rust, because I'm made of gold.

The Four Heroes now have a useless scrotum modem. Huzzah!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile, the Dragoon's troop arrive at the edge of Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest. The legends say that only the cunning or those homosexual of blood could hope to navigate it.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam...
Orange Cat: Y'know after awhile it stops being language and just becomes part of the background noise. Like footsteps, or bird calls but more droning.
Dragoon EorayMel: Well here we are at the edge of Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest. This shouldn't be too hard. I mean, it wasn't so bad the first time.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: Yes it was. It absolutely was.
Orange Cat: You should have spoke up earlier about your name not being ironic.
Dragoon EorayMel: How did we get through then?


Bloodfart McCoy: It was me.

Dragoon EorayMel: Oh, of course! The Champion of Dervinosdoom who has been travelling with us the entire time but not spoken up until now!
Dragoon EorayMel: ...
Dragoon EorayMel: OK why am I the only human here?
Bloodfart McCoy: Now you're being racist. Oh hey, it's the Holy Poopacy.
Dragoon EorayMel: The who? OH HELL.


THE HOLY POOPACY: HIGH PRIESTS OF THE LIL' SWAMPIES

Most Holy Doo-Doo: You trespass on our holy grounds, outsiders!
Dragoon EorayMel: Ooooh crap.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: What's the big deal?
Dragoon EorayMel: The Holy Poopacy? The Legion of the Holy poo poo?
Dumb Sex-Parrot: Are you saying "Holy poo poo" like literally, or is it like "The Legion? Holy poo poo!"?
Dragoon EorayMel: They can cast "Magic Poosile" and that's if you're lucky.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: Soooo literally, is what you're saying.
Dragoon EorayMel: I'm saying never mess with people who weaponize poo. All right...
Dumb Sex-Parrot: You better not be sending me up again or I swear I'll...
Dragoon EorayMel: Bloodfart McCoy! You're up!


*blood farts*

Most Holy Doo-Doo: Oh! Forgive me traveller, I did not know you with The Champion with the fabled fart of blood! Please, let my people escort you through our lands!
Dragoon EorayMel: Score!
Dumb Sex-Parrot: What the gently caress.
Orange Cat: I think we passed a check or something.

The Dervinosdoom gang makes speedy progress through the Forest!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Even though the Dervinosdoom crew is making fantastic progress through the puzzling Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest, the four heroes are hot on their heels!

Secks Cauldron: Fortunately for us, I have both the wisdom and the blood of homosexuality (like all wizards) to easily deal with anything in this forest.

As the Four Heroes track their quarry, a desperate cry echos between the gnarled and twisted trunks of the forest.

Sophy Wackles: Someone in need of help! Come Heroes, we are obligated by our very monikers to lend assistance to whatever poor wretch is in need!

War Crime Gigolo marks the way back by twisting branches, and by 'twisting branches' I mean he's tying trees in knots.

Geemer: Aaaaaaaiiiiie!


It's the reknown herbalist and Superman Impersonator, Geemer!

Geemer: The Legendary Four Heroes! Thank goodness I've run into you! Help, help I'm being haunted!

Sophy Wackles stares at the one who spoke -- the little ghost -- then looks over at the Superman impersonator. They point at him and look back at the ghost in confusion.

Geemer: ?
War Crime Gigolo: Sir Wackles, don't you know Geemer?
Sophy Wackles: I beg your pardon Herbalist Geemer, I'm not from these lands originally.
Geemer: Oh it's no trouble. I'm Geemer, the Superman is my body that I use to interact with the world and also impersonate Superman.

Sophy Wackles considers asking why but thinks better of it and also they don't really care.

Secks Cauldron: What's haunting you, Geemer?



Geemer: HER!

Sophy Wackles: Mariah Carey?
Geemer: It's not Mariah Carey.
Bypopular Demand: The ghost of Mariah Carey?
Geemer: It's not just that.
Secks Cauldron: OH YE GODS IT'S THE GHOST OF MARIAH CAREY'S "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS!"
Sophy Wackles: Ye gods...
War Crime Gigolo: By the cookies and cobblers!
Bypopular Demand: Oh poo poo.


Secks Cauldron: Stand back honeys, I got this! SPIN OF LEEK!


It's Super Effective!
The Ghost of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" fled!

Geemer: Thanks so much! Here, take this sprig of Storied Thyme with you to help you on your quest!

Bypopular Demand: Oh drat, I thought that had gone extinct due to the infestation of thyme flies!

Geemer: I cross bred them with Daylight Saving Thyme, it's helped it make a recovery.

Taking the Storied Thyme with them, the Four Heroes resume their search for the Dragoon and the Princess!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Princess Funky See Funky Do: piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss ...
Orange Cat: Is the princess OK there? She seems to be stuck on something.
Dragoon EorayMel tentatively pokes her.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss piss ...
Dragoon EorayMel: I'm sure it's fine.
Most Holy Doo-Doo: This is as far as we can take you. From here, we approach the Hills of Titties, where the poopacy holds no power.


Dragoon EorayMel: Subtle.

The Dervinosdoom gang decide to travel through the valleys between the hills as the travel is easier that way. As they travel, a short distance away they see a most curious farm.

??: Welcome to the magical Dank Stink Farm! I see you are mesmerized by my golden pissy crops!



Dumb Sex-Parrot: Is the princess clairvoyant or is this just stupid?
??: Dare you enter my magical realm?
Bloodfart McCoy: I think I would have been preferred to be ambushed by screaming Gokus and I did a fart joke with poop priests.
Orange Cat: I got this.


HAM SHANK!

The Dervinosdoom gang quickly skips this part of the Hills of Titties.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

This update took awhile for me to figure out...

Meanwhile, the Four Heroes are just beginning to trek through the Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest. Retracing their steps is easy thanks to the twisted trees.

Secks Cauldron: Hmmm... looks like our quarry's gotten help from the Poopacy. I recognize those lovely cow tracks.
Sophy Wackles: That bodes ill for our quest, but we must press on regardless!
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: I hope we don't have to deal with anything gross.
Secks Cauldron: Sweetie, this is called "Lil Swamp Booger Baby" forest for a reason.
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Cookies and cobblers!

The forest travel is slow and foul, both because it's a gross forest and also they're following the trail of the Poopacy. Then a differently awful smell begins to assault their senses.

Sophy Wackles: By the gods!
Secks Cauldron: I know that smell...
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Crumbs and fallen arches!
Bypopular demand: gently caress!


It's Satan's Onion!

Satan's Onion: Ahhh, my underworld contacts told me I might find you here!
Sophy Wackles: Me?
Satan's Onion: Yeees, you my golden knight! I have come to claim... YOUR GOLDEN rear end!
Sophy Wackles: Too late.
Satan's Onion: What?
Sophy Wackles: I've lost my rear end.
Satan's Onion: ... wut?
Sophy Wackles: I have lost my rear end. I am assless.
Satan's Onion: HOW THE gently caress DO YOU LOSE YOUR rear end?
Sophy Wackles: Well I had one rear end cheek stolen by plains pirates and sold the other.
Satan's Onion: ...
Bypopular demand: Seriously, it's true.
Satan's Onion: Well then I guess I'll just leave.

Sophy Wackles: ...
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: ...
Secks Cauldron: ...
Bypopular demand: ... well that was...


Satan's Onion: THE POWER OF SATAN COMPELS YOINK!
Sophy Wackles: My leg!

Bypopular demand: poo poo. Sophy, you OK?
Sophy Wackles: It's only a flesh wound. But we're already lagging behind the villains, and I'm afraid now I'll only slow you down. You must go on without me. I'll try to catch up if I can, after I replace my parts.
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: I could carry you.
Sophy Wackles: I'm made of gold, you have any idea how heavy it is? Go on Heroes, may fortune smile on your quest.
Secks Cauldron: Be safe, Knight.

Sophy Wackles leaves the party.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Back with the Dervinosdoom gang...

The last light has faded and they make camp within the Hills of Titties.

Princess Funky See Funky Do is oddly quiet.

Orange Cat: Is the princess OK there? She stopped talking.
Dragoon EorayMel tentatively pokes her. She remains quiet.
Dumb Sex-Parrot: Is she dead?
Dragoon EorayMel tentatively pokes her.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Redrum.
Orange Cat: Uh-oh.

There is a sudden frigidness in the air; drawing closer the to fire does nothing to warm them. As the shadows twist and throb, the chill becomes sharper.


A figure draws near. A pale figure, holding something that glints in the dim light. They do not know its name -- Serge Painsbourg -- but they can feel its dread approach.

Dragoon EorayMel: Dumb Sex-Parrot? I'm thinking you're up. Think of something smart.


Dumb Sex-Parrot looks over at the apparition, then at Dragoon EorayMel.

Dumb Sex-Parrot: You know what Boss? I did just think of something smart. I think I'm gonna ditch your rear end because I can FLY.


Dumb Sex-Parrot takes off into the night sky. Dumb Sex-Parrot has left the party.

Dragoon EorayMel: Technically speaking I can't fault her on that one. Orange Cat?
Orange Cat: Ham shanks work against creepy old fetish men, that's a creepy rear end ghost with a knife.
Dragoon EorayMel: Bloodfart?
Bloodfart McCoy: My rear end bleeds enough as is. You're the Dragoon, why don't...


POW!

Serge Painsbourg: Ow. gently caress me, I'm going home.

Dragoon EorayMel: ...
Orange Cat: ...
Bloodfart McCoy: ...
Dragoon EorayMel: And that's why we didn't gag her.

So fun fact: I actually do have some really basic RPG mechanics, and characters are randomly selected to deal with situations (including the princess) and have limited "HP" that when they run out get written out to make room for new ones. I just want to make it clear that I'm not picking on anyone or any character for any reason.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

The Three Heroes march on, saddened at the loss of a comrade. Eventually it's time to make camp. There's a strange electricity in the foul night air of the Lil Swamp Booger Baby forest. They can just make out a shooting star overhead as it travels across the night sky...



... then it makes a sharp turn.

The star begins to burn brighter and brighter until it's readily apparent it's coming towards them! There's a thunderous crash a short distance away that scatters slumbering wildlife and nocturnal prowlers.

The party leaps to their feet to investigate!


Dug into the earth is a massive saucer-like thing with carboardium alloys. While far beyond the knowledge of the Three Heroes, this is a cosmic cat ship! The cosmic kitties are surveying the damage to their craft as the trio arrive.

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: KITTIES!
Secks Cauldron: KITTIES!
Bypopular Demand: From space!

Cosmic Cat #1: Oh Chezburger, here we go again.
Cosmic Cat #2: AHEM. Greetings Earthlings! Sorry to disturb your evening. I don't suppose any of you know anything about jerryrigging a forward pulse thruster?
Bypopular Demand: Nah man, they won't have the parts for centuries. Your ship totally shot?
Cosmic Cat #2: Oh thank goodness, a Landed. Not completely, but we can't back out while the forwards are out.
Secks Cauldron: What's going on?
Bypopular Demand: Their ship's stuck and they can't get out and the parts...
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: I can help!


War Crime Gigolo grabs the saucer and using all his strength manages to pull the saucer from its crash site.

Cosmic Cat #1: Amazing! Thank-you Earthling! We can go home after all! You need a lift, Wasp?
Bypopular Demand: Nah, I'm good.
Cosmic Cat #2: Surely there's some way we could reward you.
Secks Cauldron: Not unles you can help us track down a princess.
Cosmic Cat #2: Afraid that's not something we're good at, but maybe we can lend a paw and still go home.
Cosmic Cat #1: Oh! Yes we have a spare Space Cat Linux Mark E.


The cats hop into their craft and return with a strange sort of automon. It kind of resembles one of the cosmic cats. They psychically muddle about with it for a few minutes, after which its eyes light up and its head rotates 360 degrees.

Cosmic Cat #1: Take this Space Cat Linux Mark E with you! It can surely help you on your quest!

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Space Kablooey?
Cosmic Cat #1: Close enough!

The cosmic cats saunter back into their craft, which shudders to life once again before taking off into the sky.

Space Kablooey: Space Cat Linux Mark E, ready to serve!
WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Space Kablooey?
Space Kablooey: Close enough.

Space Kablooey has joined the party! They are a resourceful cosmic cat android.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Back with the Dervinosdoom gang...

FunkySeeFunkyDo: (Barely cohesive rambling)
Dragoon EorayMel: No, we don't have any more undisclosed henchmen.
Orange Cat: Are you sure? We kind of pop out of nowhere.
Dragoon EorayMel: Nah see, the Kings set limits on how many people we could take with us before a 'gang' or 'party' becomes 'an army' and that's flat-out war.
Orange Cat: So we're kind of locked in a cold war?
Dragoon EorayMel: More like a cycle of passive-aggressiveness.
FunkySeeFunkyDo: D'rear end
Dragoon EorayMel: Oh poo poo, Princess has detected something.
Bloodfart McCoy: I kinda get why the King wants her now.
Dragoon EorayMel: Oh, the King had no idea she could do that trick, it's literally just petty passive-aggressiveness. The only way this cycle ends is if one of the royals marries into the other but you know that's not going to end things, it's just going to be different passive-aggressive tactics. Like maybe we're purposely late delivering Christmas cards. Imagine tromping all across the land just to play postman?
FunkySeeFunkyDo: D'rear end
Orange Cat: So what do you suppose "D'rear end" mean... oh.


The gang has stumbled across one of the legendary aperions! These creatures are known for their incredibly round asses, creating an rear end with an almost hypnotic effect. Only the strongest of wills can hope to be able to escape staring at them, letting them lesiurely pick out prey. Even now, the aperion is surrounded by entranced gokus.

Dragoon EorayMel: Dat.
Orange Cat: rear end.
Bloodfart McCoy: D'rear end.

Bob Foot: Oh hey, y'all aren't from around here.
Dragoon EorayMel: Dat.
Orange Cat: rear end.
Bloodfart McCoy: D'rear end.

Bob Foot: Hang on, let me turn my rear end off.
Dragoon EorayMel: Wut?
Bob Foot: There. So what y'all doing 'round these parts?
Dragoon EorayMel: (shakes head) Oh. Well, nothing. Just a little escort quest is all.
Bob Foot: Is that the Youaraelf Princess?
Dragoon EorayMel: Er...
FunkySeeFunkyDo: D'rear end
Bob Foot: S'ok, it's cool. Never a big fan of Youaraelf with their tiny rear end cookies and tiny rear end shoes. I guess you're head'n back to Dervinosdoom?
Dragoon EorayMel: Well, if you know the game then yes.
Bob Foot: Cool, cool. Well if you need a hand I can guide you through these Hills.
Dragoon EorayMel: Most appreciated, we got attacked by a ghost and one of our own quit.
FunkySeeFunkyDo: I PUNCHED A GHOST!
Bob Foot: Hey no problem. Maybe I can get one of those fancy Wi-Fi enabled toilets while in Dervinosdoom!

Bob Foot joins the party!

Bob Foot: Oh, if y'all are hungry I suppose we could cook up one of these gokus.
Dragoon EorayMel: I'm not into cannibalism.
Orange Cat: Hey that only applies to you. And the Princess.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

The Three Heroes and Space Kablooey have managed to clear the Forest and now begin their treck through the Hills of Titties, a place requiring resourcefulness.


Secks Cauldron: Not much else you could call this place.
Space Kablooey: Danger! Danger! Eldritch entity detected!
Secks Cauldron: Can you be more specific?
Space Kablooey: It's the N. Senada!
War Crime Gigolo: What's an ensada?
Secks Cauldron: It's a Senada, but it's coming from the North.
War Crime Gigolo: OK what's a Senada?
Bypopular Demand: Usually it's a girl's name.

The answer is soon clear as a strange dark mist begins to swirl around the party.

War Crime Gigolo: This calls for Roguish Cunning!

(No it doesn't.)


Fruitlessly War Crime Gigolo flails his arms in an attempt to blow the fog away, while strange phrases whisper to him like the beginnings of madness.

"Play the Darktsteel Plate"
"Tap two"
"Trickster God's Heist"


War Crime Gigolo: AHHH! What does this mean?

Space Kablooey: Beep boop, follow me. Space Cat Androids are immune to having their mind flayed with nonsense.

The Heroes join hands and let Space Kablooey escort them from the swirling mists of madness.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Poo In An Alleyway posted:

What about the fate of our dear antagonists?

At this point I'm not sure who the protagonists and who the deuteragonists are...

Back with the Dervinosdoom gang...

Bob Foot leads them out of the Hills of Titties and into the dread sucking Swamps of Nigmaetcetera, where only the strong survive.

Bob Foot: Ugh, I hate the drat swamps. You think it stinks now, wait until I'm soaked in it.
Orange Cat: Actually we all understand your pain.
Bloodfart McCoy: Except for the Dragoon and the Princess.
Bob Foot: You guys aren't ... 'fleshies' are you?
Orange Cat: Hell no.
Bloodfart McCoy: No, not that there's anything wrong with it.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Sad.
Dragoon EorayMel: Uh-oh.
Bob Foot: Uh-oh?
Dragoon EorayMel: Normally the Princess talks endlessly about trucks and beer. The moment she's said something else it's something we've had to deal with.
Bob Foot: Oh, well that's a problem then. See there's this creature in the swamps called a Yvershek and...


Four o'clock in the afternoon
And I didn't feel like very much
I said to myself, "Where are you, Golden Boy
Where's your famous golden touch?"


Bob Foot: Oh no...

I thought you knew where
All of the elephants lie down
I thought you were the crown prince
Of all the wheels in ivory town

Bob Foot: Don't listen to it...

Just take a look at your body now
There's nothing much to save
And a bitter voice in
The mirror cries
"Hey, Prince, you need a shave"

Dragoon EorayMel feels the weight of the years pressing down on him... pressing him down... deeper...

The rest of the party covered their ears in time, but Dragoon EorayMel couldn't resist the song and they watch helplessly as he begins to sink into the swamp in despair.

Now, if you can manage to get
Your trembling fingers to behave
Why don't you try unwrapping
A stainless steel razor blade?

Dragoon EorayMel feels himself being sucked down deeper and darker...

Bob Foot: Hoo boy. OK let's see if I can remember the counter song... right...

That's right, it's come to this
Yes, it's come to this
And wasn't it a long way down?
Wasn't it a strange way down?



Bob Foot: SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME
I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHEEEEED


Bob's voice clashes horribly with the Yvershek's, so horribly that Dragoon EorayMel drags his legs through the muck in an effort to escape it.

Bob Foot: SHE WAS LOOKIN' KINDA DUMB
WITH HER FINGER AND HER THUMB
IN THE SHAPE OF AN 'L'
ON HER FOREHEAD...


Bob chases the Dragoon, forcing him away from the Yvershek.

Bob Foot: WELL THE YEARS START COMIN'
AND THEY DON'T STOP COMIN'


Dragoon EorayMel: Please, ENOUGH!
Bob Foot: Phew. Close call, Boss. You were almost swamp-elephant chow.

The party manages to escape the clutches of the Yvershek and continues on into the swamp!

(For those wondering, yes both War Crime Gigolo and EorayMel took damage)

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

EorayMel posted:

Wait why am I in a hazmat suit
(It's just a cloak drawn badly)

Back with the Three Heroes (and Space Kablooey) in the Hills of Titties...

As they make their way through the valley of the Hills of Titties, the party is distracted when they hear the plaintive cry of a cat.

Space Kablooey: Sensors detect a fellow feline is in distress.
Bypopular Demand: Do we really have...
War Crime Gigolo: Shut up we're heroes.
Secks Cauldron: And we love cats.


Staberind the Cabbit: Mrrow?

Secks Cauldron: My anime senses are tingling! That's no ordinary cabbit!
Bypopular Demand: It's a ryo-ohki.
Secks Cauldron: Sssh you, that's my bit.
Bypopular Demand: So what's the problem?
Cabbit: Mrrow?
Space Kablooey: We will absolutely help you plant and harvest carrots. :kimchi:
Bypopular Demand: Wut?
War Crime Gigolo: We will totally help with your carrots. :kimchi:
Bypopular Demand: We don't have time to...
Space Kablooey: WE WILL HELP WITH CARROTS. :buddy:
War Crime Gigolo: WE HAVE TIME. :buddy:
Bypopular Demand: OK I think I see the problem. How do we get these two to snap out of it?

Secks Cauldron: Ahem.



Cabbit: MEOW!! :swoon:

Bypopular Demand: poo poo that was close.
Secks Cauldron: Anime's a dark art, sweetie.
War Crime Gigolo: I want to take the cabbit with us.
Bypopular Demand: Oh hell no. :colbert:
Secks Cauldron: We'd have to cart that massive carrot around.
War Crime Gigolo: I will carry the massive carrot. Carrots are lighter than gold.
Cabbit: Meow?
Space Kablooey: Their name is Staberind and they will come with us if we want.
Bypopular Demand: Oh please, no.

Should the party take Staberind the Cabbit? Since the Dervinosdoom gang has a fifth member, the Three Heroes can add one to their ranks. You may opt not to; Staberind will not be offended for they have a giant carrot.

Any voting will end after the next Dervinosdoom gang update.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile with the Dervinosdoom gang...

The trudge through the sludge of the swamps of Nigmaetcetera is slow and deeply unpleasant but at least no one was in danger of sinking beneath the murk anymore.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: Redrum!
Orange Cat: Aw hell.
Dragoon EorayMel: So quick question, anyone good for dealing with the undead besides the princess?
Bloodfart McCoy: No.
Bob Foot: Nope.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: PUNCH THEM!
Dragoon EorayMel: I said besides you. Oh well. Just brace yourselves then.

The swamp bubbles and writhes, with stinking gasses being released with every slimey pop. The oily surface pulsates, stretches and breaks as a hideous rotten creature appears before the party.


Blight Rhino: Don't be sad.

Dragoon EorayMel looks at the others and they shrug and smile.

Blight Rhino: Don't ever be sad.

The party smiles and nods.

Blight Rhino: Don't ever be sad ever. EVER AGAIN. LET ME SAVE YOU.

It lurches towards them.

Dragoon EorayMel: When you say "don't be sad ever again" that's a fancy way of saying "Be dead", right?

Princess Funky See Funky Do: I CAN DO THAT TOO!


*STAR PUNCH*

The princess is a giant wall of muscle, but you wouldn't think she could one-shot an actual blighted rhino, right? You'd think that, but let's face it -- undead are really squishy. Blighted rhino bits fly everywhere.

Blight Rhino: No no I just wanted to save everyone!
Dragoon EorayMel: Welp, can't say I didn't see that coming.


The party continues on!

Also I guess we're adding the cabbit to the Hero party.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Back with the Three Heroes, Space Kablooey & Staberind the Cabbit...

The crew is on their final stretch through the Hills of Titties.

Bypopular Demand: I can't believe we're letting the cabbit tag along.
War Crime Gigolo: :kimchi:
Secks Cauldron: :kimchi:
Space Kablooey: :kimchi:
Staberind: Meow!


There they come across a lone figure blocking their path.

Secks Cauldron: Ooh, that looks like one of those dangerous warrior types. Let's just go around.

They begin to climb up one of the hills.

Figure: God dammit.

The figure quickly climbs up the hill to intercept.

Figure: Listen you assholes, stop trying to avoid me. You're ruining the moment. Wait, there's only three of you -- aren't you the FOUR Heroes?
War Crime Gigolo: Sophy lost their rear end.
Figure: ... wut?
Secks Cauldron: They lost their rear end. Well, technically speaking one rear end cheek was stolen and the other was traded.
Figure: ... OK whatever, there's three of you and a ... robot cat.
Staberind: Meow!
Figure: CABBIT! :swoon: *cough* I mean I'm here to stop you lot.
Bypopular Demand: *BANG*


Figure: *ping*

Bypopular Demand: Well poo poo.
Chaosfeather: Did you really think such a feeble weapon would stop me, the dreaded CHAOSFEATHER?
Staberind: Meow?
Chaosfeather: :kimchi: Well I might have a carrot around... DAMMIT STOP THAT!
Staberind: Mrrrow?
Chaosfeather: Stooooooooop I'm badass, didn't you see me parry a bullet?


Dumb Sex Parrot: Hey I'm back with the cappuccinos.

Bypopular Demand: The most bad rear end of coffees.
Chaosfeather: ...
Dumb Sex Parrot: Who are you guys?
Chaosfeather: The Four Heroes, minus one, plus a robot cat and a cabbit. Aren't they your enemies?
Dumb Sex Parrot: gently caress do I care, I quit.
War Crime Gigolo: Who are you?
Dumb Sex Parrot: I'm Dumb Sex Parrot.
War Crime Gigolo: Is that an ironic nickname?
Dumb Sex Parrot: No. Who are you?
War Crime Gigolo: I'm War Crime Gigolo.
Dumb Sex Parrot: Is that an ironic nickname?
War Crime Gigolo: Yes, I'm a chaste rogue hero. What are you doing here?
Dumb Sex Parrot: Getting cappuccinos. Chaosfeather, what are you doing here? I told you I don't care about the Heroes or whatever and I've got seed cakes in the oven. Let's go home.
War Crime Gigolo: Is your nickname ironic?
Chaosfeather: No, I like birds.
War Crime Gigolo: We can see that.

Awkward silence...

Chaosfeather: ...Welp.
Staberind: Meow?
Chaosfeather: Just let me pet the cabbit.
Staberind: Meow!

And with that, the Three Heroes + Cat Robot + Cabbit leave the hills of Titties towards the dread swamps of Nigmaetcetera.

Today's fun fact: I've never read "Kill Six Billion Demons"

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

As the Dervinosdoom gang trudge through the swamps, Dragoon EorayMel was relieved that now they were very close to the oddly comical plains of .random (called "the Dark Plains" by the enemies of Dervinosdoom). Soon they'd been on their own turf and almost home free.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: I bet you our trucks could make quick work of this swamp! Just put big ol' tires on 'em and...
Orange Cat: I'm actually glad to hear the princess rambling again.
Dragoon EorayMel: Maybe we're not gonna have some horror come up at us and try to drag us screaming into the fetid depths.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Funny hat.
Orange Cat: You just had to jinx it, didn't you?
Bloodfart McCoy: Don't be a baby. How bad could 'funny hat' be compared to 'redrum'?

??: You there, mother-loving poo poo pilgrims!
Dragoon EorayMel: That sounds like ... the Pope of Dervinosdoom?


??: Come loving too me, mother-loving poo poo pilgrims ye gently caress drat poo poo!

A figure emerges from the vapours and muck. It appears to be the Pope of Dervinosdoom.

Dragoon EorayMel: Wait... something's not quite right...
Bloodfart McCoy: Half-burried in the muck... I see them. HIGH-TOP SNEAKERS!
Dragoon EorayMel: The PHONY POPE!


Modulo16: Ha ha yes it is I, Modulo16, robotic loving phony loving pope! I had hoped to gently caress swindle you shits out of damned illegal imports of cookies and gently caress shoes that you would poo poo have gotten from Youareaelf, but it seems the loving jig is up!

Orange Cat: We didn't have any imports. Who the hell wants their shoes?
Bob Foot: Or shoes in general, really.

Orange Cat, Bob Foot and Bloodfart McCoy all nod sagely, then glance at Dragoon EorayMel, the Princess and Modulo16 and shake their heads, making 'tsk tsk' noises.

Modulo16: What about the loving cookies?
Orange Cat: OK I admit I took some cookies.
Bloodfart McCoy: Me too.
Modulo16: gently caress you! GIMMIE DEM COOKIES!


*BLOODFART*

Modulo16: I am irreversiably loving stained, my disappointment is poo poo immesurable and my day is god drat ruined!

Modulo16 flees to find bleech or maybe acid to burn the shame away.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Thanks for the kind words and my apologies for the slow update; my insomnia/depression combo is playing hell with me right now and killing my focus.

The Three Heroes (plus two felines) have made their way through the Hills of Titties to the stinking Swamps of Nigmaetcetera.

Space Kablooey: Engaging hover mode.
Secks Cauldron: Crikes what a stink.
Staberind: Meow.
War Crime Gigolo: JUST STAY ON MY HEAD.
Bypopular Demand: *smugly hovers above the swamp*


Poo in an Alleyway: Hello! I am Poo in an Alleyway. You seem to be crossing a swamp on your way to rescue a princess. Would you like help?
□ Get help with crossing the swamp
□ Just cross the swamp without help
□ Many different users state that they do not like or want me posting

Bypopular Demand: Where's the "gently caress off" option?
Poo in an Alleyway: There is no gently caress off option, would you like help with that?
Secks Cauldron: Look, we're at our party limit sweetheart.
Poo in an Alleyway: Would you like help with expanding the party limit?
Bypopular Demand: Listen...
Poo in an Alleyway: Increasing the party limit requires an official declaration of war between Youareanelf and Dervinosdoom. Would you like some help with that?
War Crime Gigolo: GO AWAY!
Staberind: Meow!
Poo in an Alleyway: You seem to be asking for me to go away. Would you like some help with that?
Bypopular Demand: *bang*
Bypopular Demand: Aw hell, no organs and that wire's too hard to hit.



The Three Heroes + Felines have... well it's not a new party member, and it's not an enemy. It's... a clippit and it's going to follow them. With some resignation, they continue to trudge deeper into the swamps.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Apologies for the slow update; insomnia continues to wreck me

Meanwhile, back on the Dark Plains of .random with the Dervinosdoom gang...


Dragoon EorayMel: Thank God for the Nitnen hot springs. Nothing like them to get rid of the funk of the swamps.
Orange Cat: Better than cleaning myself with my tongue.
Bloodfart McCoy: I'm still gonna smell like wet dog, but at least it's not wet dog plus swamp water.
Bob Foot: I hear you there. Wait, are we really doing a 'hot springs' episode?
Dragoon EorayMel: Naw. I mean considering we're all guys and none of us want to see the princess naked. I can't shake the feeling we're being watched though.
Orange Cat: Watched?
Bob Foot: Well that can't be right, we're dudes. In any hot springs episode, it's the dudes peeping on the ladies.
Bloodfart McCoy: And the only lady we have with us now is the Princess, and she's terrifying.



Dragoon EorayMel: AH HA! Come out with your hands up!
?: ... are you threatening me with your fingers?
Dragoon EorayMel: YES! ... NO! OK Who's still armed?
Orange Cat: I'm not bringing my ham shank into a bath, are you nuts?
Bloodfart McCoy: I could bloodfart.
Dragoon EorayMel: gently caress NO, not in our bath water! Bob?
Bob Foot: I mean, I could show my rear end but I don't think she's much of a threat.
Dragoon EorayMel: ... eh, point. What the hell are you doing?
?: Well it's a hot springs episode so obviously I am peeping.
Dragoon EorayMel: You're a girl! You can't peep! Right?
Orange Cat: I mean, she can. I don't care, I'm always naked. Anyone else?
Bloodfart McCoy: I'm cool.
Bob Foot: Yup. Sounds like a "you" problem, Dragoon.
Dragoon EorayMel: ... :11tea:
Lore Mistress: Also I'm a lore mistress! You guys want any hot lore?

Does the Dervinosdoom want any hot lore? Pick something or she'll just tell you something random. Or we'll just see how the Three Heroes + 2 + clippit are doing.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Ha ha ha depression and insomnia continue to plague me

Dragoon EorayMel: Eh, I'll bite. Tell me some of the lore of the Four Heroes.


Mistress of Lore: OK, I know a funny story about the "rogue", War Crime Gigolo! Originally he was just an ordinary giant in the land of giants that is Youareanelf, until one day he stumled across the great Fruit Ninja, Narfruito! Now normal ninja are cunning spies, but Fruit Ninja run around in bright clothing, use magic, and spend most of their lives narrating long, pointless flashbacks. Anyway, Narfuito challenged War Crime Gigolo to a duel, one thing lead to another and they kissed. Now normally when you've a man who'se never seriously kissed another man before, one does things like question one's sexuality. War Crime Gigolo however considered it inspiration to become a rogue, which means not only does he not know a ninja when he sees one, he's got no idea what a rogue is either. So basically, he's this huge dude who picks locks by tearing them apart, disarms traps by tearing them apart, picks pockets by tearing them apart, you get the idea. He's a one trick pony but he's really, really good at it.

Dragoon EorayMel: This explains the princess.

Mistress of Lore: ...yes. It would explain the... princess...

More lore, or shall we see what the Heroes are doing?

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

flavor.flv posted:

why ain't I in this yet I posted twice

you saving me for the final boss for something (don't say anything if so I want to be surprised)

Each poster gets introduced as a location/obstacle/encounter/character in chronological order. Tijuana-A-Go-Go is ahead of you. For Lore I'm just going by order of whoever posted after the Lore Mistress showed up and asked.

Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

Dude totally focuse on self-care instead of this thread if that's what you need. I'm sure we can wait.

I'm kinda lost right now and started this thread as a way of self-care since it would give me a creative outlet so my ability to work on it helps to act like a litmus test. When I'm in a good place I can easily do a few updates/day, and when I'm not even doing one a day is an effort. So I do want to push myself when I can, but thanks for the concern all the same. :)


Orange Cat: My turn! I need to know more about Satan's Onions for... reasons.


Lore Mistress: Funny story! All right, as you know vegetables don't have souls, but the familiars used by devils and faeries don't know any better and one living organic vessel is the same as another to them. So when a devil got tricked into taking a bundle of onions placed in a magic circle in place of a baby, they decided to turn lemons into lemonade -- or in this case, onions into the foulest tasting drink imaginable. The creatures known as "Satan's Onions" are surprisingly clever for an allium and can move swiftly through the soil, allowing them to pop up in the most unexpected of places. They emit an noxious odour when cut so if you have to get into a fight with one, blunt weapons work best although if you hit one too hard you're still asking for an eyefull of pain.
Orange Cat: Is there any particular reason why they'd want gold, or an rear end, or a golden rear end?
Lore Mistress: Donkey or buttocks?
Orange Cat: Buttocks.
Lore Mistress: To sit on.
Orange Cat: Wut?
Lore Mistress: They have a bit of an obsession with foul ordours, and a bum-shaped throne of gold is basically their biggest status symbol. Since a bum made of gold is hard to come by most will just melt down what they can find. Most coins aren't very pure so only the elite Satan's Onions will ever have a true butt of gold.

More lore is available but I'm also going switch back to the Heroes as well.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile with the Three Heroes, space cat android, cabbit and an outdated Microsoft helper as they trudge through the swamps of Nigmaetcetera...

Cabbit Staberind: Meow!
War Crime Gigolo: What's up?
Secks Cauldron: The cabbit seems anxious.
Space Kablooey: INCOMING!
Bypopular Demand: There's some kinda of UFO coming at us.


Tijuana-A-Go-Go: BORK!

Space Kablooey: We're under attack by the SPACE DOGGOS!
Bypopular Demand: I think... you're under attack by space doggos.

The incoming recently identified flying object is indeed a space doggo, known for their flying machines and goggles! The craft zeroes in on Space Kablooey and launches a strange, spherical object...

*SPLOOSH*

Secks Cauldron: Are you OK?


Space Kablooey: I am wet and my day is ruined.

Poo in an Alleyway: You seem to be wet. Would you like some help with that?
Space Kablooey: Sure, set yourself on fire and dry me off.

Tijuana-A-Go-Go: BORK BORK BORK!

Mission accomplished, Space Doggo Tijuana-A-Go-Go takes off into the distance. Just another day in the ongoing conflict of minor annoyance between the Space Cats and the Space Doggos.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

Oh man won't the water mess with Space Kablooey's electronics? :ohdear:
Space Kablooey has taken damage, yes.


Bloodfart McCoy: I wanna go. Just give me some random lore.

Lore Mistress: I will tell you about how the reknown herbalist and Superman impersonator Geemer.

Bloodfart McCoy: That is pretty random.


Lore Mistress: Geemer hails from the Ghost Town near Youareanelf. Now unlike a normal ghost town, the ghost town of Yourareanelf is literally a town for ghosts. Normally they keep to themselves but there are distinct advantages of being a ghost herbalist. For one thing, the scream of the mandrake doesn't do anything to ghosts. Now the problem is ghosts can't do much in terms of physically interacting with the world, but that's what he's got his body for! Rather than possess it directly, he sort of hovers near it which is enough to make it immune to the mandrake scream.

Bloodfart McCoy: I thought it was because he used a superman body.

Lore Mistress: Nah. Besides, it's a superman impersonator body.

Bloodfart McCoy: Why?

Lore Mistress: People can have their own hobbies. Say, it's getting kinda late. You lot staying the night here like me?

Dragoon EorayMel: Well...

Does the Dervinosdoom stay the night and listen to yet more lore, or do they press onwards?

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile, the Three Heroes +2 and a Clippit continue to trudge through the marsh.

Poo in an Alleyway: Your spirits seem to be low. Would you like some help with that?
Bypopular Demand: This is the worst.
Secks Cauldron: Never say that.


A Flavor.flv Appears!
Flavor.flv: What is this? A party of adventurers, critically short of MILFS!

Secks Cauldron: What am I, chopped liver?
Flavor.flv: BY THE POWER OF COLIN MOCHRIE!


WHAT HAVE YOU WROUGHT, FLAVOR.FLV?!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
: MRERROOOOWWWHISSS HISS HISS!

Flavor.flv: OhGodOhNoOhGod I've made a terrible mistake.

Poo in an Alleyway: You have unleashed an unspeakable horror. Would you like some help with that?

I just want to point out I could have rolled a barbarian, a catgirl, or a robot catgirl and of course it comes up the damned clippit instead

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Flavor.flv: Oh God Oh gently caress Oh God Oh gently caress...

Bypopular Demand: Get back here motherfucker and fix this!

Flavor.flv: I can't UN-MILF things, I can't fix this, I'm out.

Poo in an Alleyway: Uwu.

War Crime Gigolo: RUN AWAY!
Secks Cauldron: RUN AWAY!
Space Kablooey: RUN AWAY!
Staberind: MERRROOOOOW HISS SPIT!
Bypopular Demand: ... yeah fuckit, it's not like I can hit anything vital on a paperclip.

While the Heroes + metafelines dash madly through the swamps, of course they've got no way to catch up to somewhat ethereal Flavor.flv.


Meanwhile...



Dragoon EorayMel: It just doesn't get better than this. After all the crap with the princess and the plains, hills, forest and swamp, we're almost home. Nothing could possibly...

Bob Foot: You... really want to tempt fate like that?

Flavor.flv: Oh God Oh gently caress Oh God Oh gently caress...

Orange Cat: ... is that a rap genie having some sort of crisis?

Lore Mistress: Yes.

Flavor.flv: Oh God Oh gently caress Oh God... wait this looks like an adventuring party.

Dragoon EorayMel: Yeah, what's your point?

Flavor.flv: You got no MILFS. I can fix that.

Lore Mistress: What am I, chopped liver?

Flavor.flv: You with them?

Lore Mistress: Well, no...

Flavor.flv: I stand by my point.

Dragoon EorayMel: Fucko, you're not gonna see MILFs because this is the men's side of a hot spring.

Flavor.flv: I can fix that!


You may choose:
Flavor.flv, NO!
Flavor.flv, YES!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Flavor.flv: YES


BY THE POWER OF COLIN MOCHRIE!


Dragoon EorayMel: What de gently caress.

Flavor.flv: Whoop!

Lore Mistress: Really? REALLY? You pick the ONE guy with a potentially visible dick. This has been the worst peeping ever.

Flavor.flv: Look, MILFing isn't an exact science. Least it wasn't a clippit this time.

Lore Mistress: Wut?

Dragoon EorayMel: I just wanna point out here that I'm not a mother so you should change me back.

Flavor.flv: I MILF things, I don't unMILF them. OK Peaceoutbye!

Dragoon EorayMel: ... well gently caress, this is going to be an awkward explanation to the king. Hey Lore Mistress, you wouldn't happen to know of anyone who might help?

Lore Mistress: There's a Genesplicer living here on the Dark Plains of .random but you're going to have to get past the Karma Comedian first.

Dragoon EorayMel: Welp, looks like we're making a detour. Don't stare at my tits.

Orange Cat: I'm a cat.

Bloodfart McCoy: I'm a dog.

Bob Foot: No promises.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

By popular demand posted:

That danged genie has a serious problem using his power for good! And I happen to know that plenty of people actually want to get MILFed, why mock them with this mischief?!
I'm a lovely shot.


Dragoon EorayMel: All right, let's go find this Genesplicer and get this sorted out.
Orange Cat: All of us? This really seems more like a "you" problem.
Dragoon EorayMel: Gonna be a bit complicated trying to claim our reward otherwise.
Orange Cat: All for one and one for all!

With that, the Dervinosdoom pack up their belongings and leave the hot springs. The stout owner gives Dragoon EorayMel a curious look but considering the imposing form the Princess she thinks better of questioning anything.

Some time later the Three Heroes and their feline companions arrive, pursued in an unintentionally menacing way by Poo in an Alleyway.

Secks Cauldron: Oh Lord. Look, there's a hot spring. I know the propretier, c'mon let's head over.
Space Kablooey: My form does not benefit from liquids, heated or otherwise.
Secks Cauldron: Just trust me on this one. Jane, sweetheart! Are you a sight for sore eyes!


Jane: Oy Secks, how ya doing girl? Ready to wash the swamp off ya?

Secks Cauldron: The swamp and this thing.
Jane: Wot the bloody fresh hell kinda clippit is that?
Poo in an Alleyway: Uwu, it seems like...


*WHOMP*
Jane: No uwus allowed.

War Crime Gigolo: Oh thank the gods. So tired from swamp-running.
Bypopular Demand: I didn't even have to swamp run and I'm already looking forward to a soak.

More by formality than necessity, the group splits off into two, with Space Kablooey going into stand-by mode near a window to aborb the sunlight and recharge.


Lore Mistress: Oh my gosh! War Crime Gigolo! And he's even bigger in person!

Secks Cauldron: You knock that off, he's with us.
Lore Mistress: And he's got a cabbit on his head! It's adorable!
Bypopular Demand: No creeping, tiny creeper. Especially since you seem to know who we are but we don't know you.
Lore Mistress: Oh, I'm a Lore Mistress. It's part of my job description to be a bit nosey.
Secks Cauldron: Speaking of, you hear anything about who kidnapped Princess Funky See Funky Do?
Lore Mistress: Kidnapped? I was just soaking with her.
Secks Cauldron: She was here?! And you sayin' she wasn't kidnapped?!
Lore Mistress: She towered over the biggest members of their party. No way in hell they could make her do anything against her will.
Bypopular Demand: Well... that explains the lack of struggle. Who's behind it?
Lore Mistress: Dragoon EorayMel and his... er... her crew.
Bypopular Demand: His/her?
Lore Mistress: Some crazy rear end genie came by. Sounded rather distressed. MILFed the Dragoon.
Secks Cauldron: Oh, we ran into that rear end in a top hat. He MILFed a clippit.
Lore Mistress: ...
Secks Cauldron: We still don't know why. From his reaction it wasn't on purpose. Can you tell us where they went off to?
Lore Mistress: To see the Genesplicer of .random. The Dragoon didn't seem all that bothered by the transformation but they were more concerned with the administrative complications of a form change.
Bypopular Demand: Stroke of luck. That's gonna take them way off course as far as getting back to Dervinosdoom goes. More importantly it means we can chill here a bit. Hey do us a solid and if you see a golden knight, let Sophy know what's gone down.
Lore Mistress: Sure. Hey if you all plan to stick around a bit, did you want any lore?

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Secks Cauldron: Hit us with some lore, honey.


Lore Mistress: So I see you guys have a Space Cat Linux Mark E. The cosmic cats aren't a monocultural people -- there are several existing cosmic feline cultures. One ambassador lives with a certain Granny Toots and provides the occasional assistance to one Dr. Snuggles. Then there's the federation of Space Cats who provide crime fighting services in a place called the United States with the help of their D.O.R.C. (Disembodied omnipotent ruler of cats). The ones with the space cat linux mark E are from Freeplanet Independent ISC (Interplanetary space colony) who are locked in ... well, nothing like a war, but basically they're sort of doing this ongoing prank-based conflict with the space dogs of the Freeplanet Indepenent ISC. Finally there's the cats of the TEN (Third Eye Network). Apparently they operate some sort of critical metaphysical space-time network and they cross over to other worlds once a threshold of cat worship occurs on a parallel network. That's not even getting into the related families like the cabbits.

Bypopular Demand: OK, so ... what's the point?

Lore Mistress: Just saying that they're all basically cosmic cats, even though culturally they're vastly different from each other so don't be racist. It'd be like thinking Dragoon EorayMel has the same culture and values as War Crime Gigolo just because they're human.

Bypopular Demand: Fair point.

Treeko: My jaw hurts.

Bypopular Demand: Finally let go of my rear end, huh?

Treeko: I'd drown otherwise, you're sitting in a hot springs.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Meanwhile, far out in the Dark Plains of .random...

Dragoon EorayMel: I'm kinda glad I wear a cloak and loose clothing, otherwise it'd get uncomfortable with my new hips and bust.

Orange Cat: Do you miss your facial hair?

Dragoon EorayMel: I do, I spent a lot of time waxing it.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: I also miss it. When you were posing as a maiden all I could think of was how envious I was that you could grow facial hair.

Dragoon EorayMel: ...

Bloodfart McCoy: We should have asked the Lore Mistress about the Karma Comedian we have to get past in order to visit the Genesplicer.

Bob Foot: I'm sure they're similar to the Karma Chameleon. They'll want to see if you were a man without conviction, and if you know how to sell a contradiction. You might want to wear the colours of red, gold and green.

Dragoon EorayMel: ... they're from Mali?

Bob Foot: They're the dream colours of the easy-loving.

Bloodfart McCoy: I'm starting to think it might be easier explaining to the king that the Dragoon got MILF'd by a crazy genie.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: No I'm with EorayMel. I'd hate be MILF'd. It's much harder to love trucks and beer and women as a MILF.

Dragoon EorayMel: It's not, but I appreciate the sentiment. Look, that's gotta be Genesplicer's place.

They had been walking towards the black monolith structure for hours, easily visible from the hot springs due to the fact that they were traversing plains. Now they were finally getting close. It was still another half an hour before they arrived at the front doors, where the Karma Comedian was waiting for them.


Karma Comedian: Well well, this is certainly a motley crew. What business do you have with the great Genesplicer?

Dragoon EorayMel: I got MILF'd.

Karma Comedian: And you're not appreciative of your new status, I take it?

Dragoon EorayMel: It's going to be an administrative nightmare and we've got business with the King.

Karma Comedian: King Wifi Toilet?

Dragoon EorayMel: Who else?

Karma Comedian: Well, you could have business with King AKZ of Corned Beef.

Dragoon EorayMel: We're from Dervinosdoom! It's just beyond these plains, c'mon.

Karma Comedian: Yeah and there's a reason why Genesplicer is in the plains just beyond that kingdom, you flatulent fools... and giants.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: I'm a pretty princess.

Karma Comedian: You're also big enough to frighten professional wrestlers.

Dragoon EorayMel: Look, that's not the point. We're here to see the Genesplicer and to undo my situation, otherwise we're going to have an awful lot of explaining to do at the kingdom's gates. What do we need to do to see him?

Karma Comedian: Well, let me just check your karma here... with the exception of convincing the princess to come with you, for the most part you send your minions out to deal with crap like they were pokémon.

Dragoon EorayMel: I'm leader, that's what they do. Well except when the Princess goes HAM on someone.

Karma Comedian: Except you got Dumb Sex-Parrot hit by a lorry and sexually assaulted by skeletal highwaymen. The laws of karmic comedy decree that you must deal with a Bison from the dark plains of .random. Alone.

Dragoon EorayMel: Hey Princess...

Karma Comedian: You try that and I'll invoke the Eldritch Powers of GET OUT.

Dragoon EorayMel: gently caress.

Karma Comedian: Bison from the Dark Plains of .random, I summon thee!


D. Bison: Hello! What's this? You've called a woman to fight me?

Karma Comedian: No, you're going on a date.

D. Bison: Ha ha ha with a woman? Only on "Prevent the Extinction of Our People" Tuesdays.

Dragoon EorayMel: I'm not a woman by birth, I was a man who...

D. Bison: OK now that's hot.

Dragoon EorayMel: Of loving course he's got some fetish poo poo. I loving hate you, Karma Comedian. This is possibly the worst...

Karma Comedian: And now you know how Dumb Sex-Parrot felt.

Dragoon EorayMel: God. Dammit. I regret everything.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: Get me those panties, I love them!




So this update took a long time because for the life of me I couldn't figure out what would be karmic comedy. I could have just done some random poo poo but I just felt that the phrase "Karma Comedian" needed some real oomph. I hope this suffices.
Also we're not going into the details of the date but suffice to say Dragoon EorayMel took damage of some sort.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Secks Cauldron: You got any lore on the Dragoon of Dervinosdoom?

Lore Mistress: Oh, of course! He's the legendary right hand of King Wifi Toilet. While most high knights assert themselves through martial might, the Dragoon EorayMel used his powers of persuasion.

Bypopular Demand: That's how I got my job. That and carrying a piece. Occasionally stinging people.

Lore Mistress: It's told that the Dragoon EorayMel has never had to draw a weapon, as he was able to either negotiate a solution or expertly command one of his troops.

Bypopular Demand: He's that good?


Lore Mistress: Not really, terrible reviews on Glassdoor but he's still King Wifi Toilet's #1 so he must be doing something right.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Dragoon EorayMel: Here. I never want to hear about this ever again.

Princess Funky See Funky Do: Yay!

Bloodfart McCoy: My main attack is a blood fart and even I find this questionable at the least.

Dragoon EorayMel: Let us up to see the Genesplicer now.

Karma Comedian: Sure.

They enter the monolithic tower and climb numerous flights of periously narrow stone steps to the top. There they enter the laboratory lair of the mysterious Genesplicer.

Genesplicer: Well hello there! Not too many people make it past the Karma Comedian. What can I do for all you strange people?

Dragoon EorayMel: I got MILFed and then had to date a dark plains bison so if you can't turn me back I'm gonna send you to the ground floor the fast way.

Genesplicer: Well aren't you the violent one? No matter, I have good news everybody! I can return you to your original form, thanks to my extension research on the phenomenon of avian and reptilian mammaries!

Orange Cat: I thought the snake tits enthusiast got banned.

Genesplicer: I'm not studying them for perverse reasons, I study them because they shouldn't exist in the natural world, just like platypeople! What the hell is a duck-billed warm-blooded milk-sweating egg-laying poisoned-spurred creature like that doing in our reality? The worst part is I still can't tell if it's the result of pure random chaos or by creative, intelligent design as a joke. It's like trying to tell the difference between sufficiently advanced technology and magic! Speaking of which, my gender-realignment device uses both advanced technology and magic, making it highly unethical and utterly unadmitable to both the scientific community and the society of wizards! The good news is that the incredibly illegal combination of technomagic carries an equally incredible price tag! You're going to need to cough up 100,000 Cookoins!

Dragoon EorayMel: You want God-damned Youareanelf currency?!

Genesplicer: Of course!

Dragoon EorayMel: Why?!

Genesplicer: Because it's hard to come by this close to Dervinosdoom!

Princess Funky See Funky Do: I'll cover it! Cookoins are stupid currency!

Dragoon EorayMel: Whew.

Genesplicer: I'll also need a philodendron.

Dragoon EorayMel: What?! WHY?!?

Genesplicer: I did say it also runs on magic. I haven't had to run the thing in ages. While you go off to fetch me a philodendron I'll tune up the device.

Dragoon EorayMel: Where the gently caress are we gonna find a philodendron? What even is a philodendron?

Genesplicer: Go find BigBadSteve and ask him for one.

Bob Foot: Oh, the reknown herbalist of Dervinosdoom!

Dragoon EorayMel: Taking the short-cut down to just end this nonsense is looking really good now, let me tell you.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

The Dervinosdoom crew make their way from Genesplicer's tower towards BigBadSteve's place of operations, lead by the knowledgable Bob Foot.

Dragoon EorayMel: God I hope this doesn't have any more steps. Heard the gods used to punish this elf boy with a chain of trades that sent him all over the world.

Bob Foot: Probably not, BigBadSteve's got a good collection of plants and getting a philodendron shouldn't be an issue.


A few hours later...

Dragoon EorayMel: Subtle. Holy poo poo, is that Dumb Sex-Parrot? Hey, what are you doing here?

Dumb Sex-Parrot: Do I know you? Hey, Orange Cat, Bloodfart! You guys quit work'n with that jerk EorayMel too?

Dragoon EorayMel: I AM THE DRAGOON EORAYMEL.

Dumb Sex-Parrot: You can't fool me, no way would that vain bastard shave his stache.

Dragoon EorayMel: I GOT MILFED.

Dumb Sex-Parrot stares at EorayMel, then over at Orange Cat, Bloodfart McCoy and the Princess.

Dumb Sex-Parrot: I guess that makes sense. Serves you right!

Princess Funky See Funky Do: And they had to date a dark plains Bison! I got his panties!

Dumb Sex-Parrot: Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, ain't karma a bitch?!

Chaos Feather: Who you talking too?

Dumb Sex-Parrot: My ex-boss.

Dragoon EorayMel: Yeah, that's great, nice to meet you. Look, where's BigBadSteve, we need to get a philodendron.

Geemer: You too? I'm looking for one to go with my spathiphyllum.

Bob Foot: Legendary herbalist Geemer!

Geemer: The wise and mighty Bob Foot, how you doing?

Bob Foot: I'm fine, you?

Geemer: Just doing a bit of plant shopping.

Dragoon EorayMel: Oh gently caress this, I don't care!! I just need to get a loving philodendron before I start menstrating! I've never had to deal with that and I never want to!

Chaos Feather: Sounds like your menstrating right now! Sooo bitchy. I see why you quit on him.

Dragoon EorayMel: Just... just someone direct me to BigBadSteve.

Orange Cat: Just relax. He's over there.

Dragoon EorayMel: ... of course.


BigBadSteve: Welcome to BigBadSteve's Big Bad Plant Emporium! What can I do you for?

Dragoon EorayMel: I just need... one... philodendron. Please tell me you take Dervinosdollars.

BigBadSteve: Naw I only take Yeticoin.

Dragoon EorayMel: ...

BigBadSteve: I'm kidding, of course I take Dervinosdollars, it's like the closest kingdom. Can I interest you in some lavender plants? You look a bit stressed.

Bloodfart McCoy: Poor bastard got MILF'd.

BigBadSteve: Aw poo poo, really? Say hello to the Genesplicer for me. Some dipshits musta woke up the swamp genie again. Good luck.

Dragoon EorayMel: Thank. You. I don't suppose you have anything stronger than lavender?

BigBadSteve: And a baggie o' weed it is.

Dragoon EorayMel: You're my favourite person right now you have no idea.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Back at the hot springs...

Staberind: Mrrrow!

Lore Mistress: You want some lore?

Staberind: Nya merrow nya meow!

Bypopular Demand: You understand cabbit?

Lore Mistress: Comes with the job description. Well, does anyone here know about the floating kingdom of Bula Vinaka?

Bypopular Demand: Hard to miss, it's a massive floating rock that screws with the weather, casts a dark shadow, harbours a crew of space wasp criminals, is an Internet hotspot, steals cookies, I think I've said too much already...

Lore Mistress: ...
Bypopular Demand: ...
Secks Cauldron: ...
Treeko: ...
Staberind: Mrrrow?


Lore Mistress: Yes I'm already aware of your history with the floating kingdom. But do you know the most recent news about the floating kingdom?

Secks Cauldron: Do you?

Bypopular Demand: I do not. We don't get along, let's just keep it at that.

Lore Mistress: Princess Bored is going to go landside to seek a suitor!

Bypopular Demand: Princess Bored's going to get married?!

Secks Cauldron: Is... that a problem?

Bypopular Demand: ... no.

Lore Mistress: She could be landing any day now. I mean, that's why the dark plains of .random are dark and stormy -- they usually park the kingdom over it.

Secks Cauldron: I get the distinct feeling the plot is thickening.

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Smik
Mar 18, 2014

Dragoon EorayMel: God. drat. I do not ever want to go through that again.
Orange Cat: At least your moustache was restored perfectly.
Dragoon EorayMel: Small mercies. I need a soak at the hot springs.
Bloodfart McCoy: You sure? Remember what happened last time we were there.
Bob Foot: We can be reasonably sure lightning won't strike twice. Also we'll know to lay into the bastard right away.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Dark.
Dragoon EorayMel: Aw gently caress. Princess senses are tingling.


Lore Mistress: Oh hey guys!

War Crime Gigolo: !
Secks Cauldron: !
ByPopular Demand: !
Treeko: !
Space Kablooey: ?
Staberind: Mrrrow?
Dragoon EorayMel: !
Orange Cat: !
Bloodfart McCoy: !
Bob Foot: Where's the 4th legendary hero?
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Hey guys!


DUN DUUUUUUN


Dragoon EorayMel: Well this had to happen eventually, huh?
Secks Cauldron: Princess, you need to come with us.
Dragoon EorayMel: No I think she'd rather stay with us.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: It's really dark.
ByPopular Demand: Aw poo poo.


Lore Mistress: Well well, it's Princess Bored of the floating kingdom of Bula Vinaka. I was just loresplaining you.

ByPopular Demand: Sheila.
Princess Bored: Bionca.
Princess Funky See Funky Do: Jackie!
ByPopular Demand: Wut?
Princess Funky See Funky Do: I thought we were playing "First names".
Princess Bored: My you're a big one, aren't you?
Dragoon EorayMel: Yeah she is, but we've got business elsewhere don't we Princess?
Princess Bored: I told you I'm not interested.
Dragoon EorayMel: *cough* No I mean Princess Funky See Funky Do.
Secks Cauldron: You mean we've got business seeing the Princess home!
Princess Bored: ... ...hey Jackie, you wanna visit a floating kingdom?
Princess Funky See Funky Do: DO I!?
Treeko: Princess! Don't forget about me!



Staberind: Mrrrow!
War Crime Gigolo: You said it. But those wasp guards kinda scare me.
Dragoon EorayMel: No loving way.
Secks Cauldron: Well I mean, if you had a choice of who to go with what you would choose? She is pretty fine.
Dragoon EorayMel: ... OK yeah, but we're still hosed. I mean we're ALL hosed.
ByPopular Demand: We are.
Space Kablooey: Not necessarily.
Staberind: Mrrroooooowwwww...
Space Kablooey: No, you don't need to become a space ship. I am well versed in the construction of cardboardium alloy and some spacealluminum foil. We can still pursue our quarry. Given that the floating kingdom of Bula Vinaka will likely be hostile, a temporary truce is in order if either of our parties is to succeed in their mission.
Bob Foot: Telling the truth there, boss.
Dragoon EorayMel: I regret everything. I regret everything I've ever done.


Meanwhile...

King AKZ Of Corned Beef: Do you think we should send word to the Heroes that they're chasing after a decoy?
Queen Leper Go-Getter: No. I mean I'm sure they're smart enough to figure it out and besides, we have to keep up appearances. It just wouldn't be proper to allow King Wifi Toilet to THINK he's kidnapped our princess.

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