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WAR CRIME GIGOLO
Oct 3, 2012

The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes
Hello all worshipers, it has come to me through meditation that we must translate old Bible references into the modern language so that even a zoomers can enjoy religion. So I call upon all to assist us in our quest to explain key moments in the Bible in modern terms. Like how Jesus was trying to cop feels from men in the below text. And he like any good host would feed him which was the Bethlehem version of Netflix and chill. More like fish and chill as TV wasn't invented yet. So I again request my friends and fellow something awful worshipers to assist us in explaining these quotes in the modern terms. I will provide a couple answers below and employ you to find your own examples and post them to the lovely thread so that we can all understand what he meant when Paul try to flex on the other prophets with his choice in shoes



quote:

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.


quote:

"So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, you should do it all for God's glory

So the quote above what it really means is that you you should always be pouring one out for the homies that are not with you anymore. And since Jesus died for our sins and a lot of homies have died for homie sins we need to always praise the homies which in this quote is referenced as God

quote:

"So be careful to live your life wisely, not foolishly.

So what this means is you can't always learn from books, and you need to get some Street smarts. Because the worst thing is somebody swipes to your Yu-Gi-Oh cards because you were flexing on the Quad.

quote:

Don't judge according to appearances. Judge with right judgment

Okay what this say is you shouldn't speculate on future appearances but you should also understand that sometimes the five is a 10 if there are any other options

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Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH

Ezekiel 23:20 posted:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

You may think she's going green picking a dude with a Tesla or something but really this is just talking about a cumdumpster who's into big dongs that can bust thick ropes (relatable)

Do unto others, as they say

:firstpost:

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001
Probation
Can't post for 30 hours!
Fun Shoe
what a dumb loving novel

Bad Purchase
Jun 17, 2019




i'm not seeing these quotes anywhere in my teen bible, do you need the adult bible for this?

The Bible
May 8, 2010

Is there any way you can communicate all this through rap?

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH

The Bible posted:

Is there any way you can communicate all this through reaction youtubes?

WAR CRIME GIGOLO
Oct 3, 2012

The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

The Bible posted:

Is there any way you can communicate all this through rap?

Yeah

Jesus is a hella cool dude
And god'l smite you if you rude
So pray to the big dude
Pray to the big dude

The Bible
May 8, 2010

WAR CRIME GIGOLO posted:

Yeah

Jesus is a hella cool dude
And god'l smite you if you rude
So pray to the big dude
Pray to the big dude

You're the Media Minister. Begin filming right away.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010

Deuteronomy 23:1 posted:

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the LORD.

Translation: protect ur junk

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH
He's actually talking about his lego collection there, the assembly is God's nerd hovel

WAR CRIME GIGOLO
Oct 3, 2012

The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

quote:

10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.


See what Jesus is saying here is that you need to keep your hustle and never front.

redshirt
Aug 11, 2007

Reporting for away mission Sir.
My favorite passage is Mark 13:14

(These are "Words of Jesus in red")

“But when you see the abomination of desolation standing where he ought not to be (let the reader understand), then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains."

Which means Jesus wants you to get a camp in the mountains for the weekends and vacations.

redshirt fucked around with this message at 14:11 on Sep 22, 2023

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD
18:22: You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

You cannot both be a Christian and Gay. They are antithetical positions. So if you're gay just ignore Christianity. It's dumbass horseshit made up by bronze aged idiots.

Smugworth
Apr 18, 2003

John 11:35 posted:

Jesus wept

🧔🏻‍♀️ 😭

betaraywil
Dec 30, 2006

Gather the wind
Though the wind won't help you fly at all

Judges 2:14 posted:

And the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he delivered them into the hands of spoilers that spoiled them, and he sold them into the hands of their enemies round about, so that they could not any longer stand before their enemies.

Mark ur spoilers home skillet

shame on an IGA
Apr 8, 2005

the entire book of Ecclesiastes is just a guide to moving right on this spectrum

Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:
the devil is sus lololol

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH

Funky See Funky Do posted:

18:22: You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.


It means you can lie to women but not ur bros, that's just cold

Women aren't capable of really understanding the truth anyway

Women are subservient to men in the Bible because man is created in God's image

Smugworth
Apr 18, 2003

Nooner posted:

the devil is sus lololol

The greatest cap the devil ever told was that he wasn't sus

Cobra Commander
Jan 18, 2011

If you are going to have gay sex get stoned first.

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD
Ezekiel 23:20: She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse.

Ok so kids one is a little complicated. Do you remember that video the pastor showed you last week? The one he said you shouldn't tell anyone about?

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Brojobs still ok, keeps the smite away in fact

Grey Cat
Jun 3, 2023

Likely Doing stuff and things


He that finna 🕵️‍♂️ his life will 💀 😂no cap: and he that 💀 for my stacks shall 🕵️‍♂️ it, frfr on god.
M'-xatthyew 10:39

Animal-Mother
Feb 14, 2012

RABBIT RABBIT
RABBIT RABBIT
On God, fr fr.

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007

Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Dinosaur Gum
"Live by the bong, die by the bong, always have a bong"

-Crazykiel, 69:420

Grey Cat
Jun 3, 2023

Likely Doing stuff and things


drat she 😳 for bois w 🍆 all big n bussin as mules n 💦 like 🐴
Zeek 23:20

Das Boo
Jun 9, 2011

There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.
Jesus went aggro on a bunch of influencers at a temple and flipped tables, lmao.

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007

Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Dinosaur Gum
Joseph got cucked by God but was still a p. chill step dad and taught God how to be a dad since, you know- HE didn't have one.

Or a mom.

Because he created everything so couldn't have had either of those.

I gotta go...

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH

Cobra Commander posted:

If you are going to have gay sex get stoned first.

There's a lot of great advice in the Bible tbh

Henry Lee Mucus
Dec 11, 2003

Grey Cat posted:

drat she 😳 for bois w 🍆 all big n bussin as mules n 💦 like 🐴
Zeek 23:20

Ho life fo life fr

Haptical Sales Slut
Mar 15, 2010

Age 18 to 49
Satan is a tryhard

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


quote:

Exodus 21:20-21

20 “Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result,
21 but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property.

This is a new version of this verse because it now is inclusive to both genders that the bible nuts believe exist, instead of just 1 gender as previously. So since they were able to update the word of god, but chose to keep this verse unaltered otherwise means it must be part of the core belief.

redshirt
Aug 11, 2007

Reporting for away mission Sir.
Lucifer was right

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

Mary had some big rear end tiddies

maybeadracula
Sep 9, 2022

Noah was a furry

pro starcraft loser
Jan 23, 2006

Stand back, this could get messy.

Get your frankincense and get in nerd, we're going towards that star.

WAR CRIME GIGOLO
Oct 3, 2012

The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes
The uncle Paul once said

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH
The "eye of the needle" was the name of a gate that led to a free market that had like blackjack and other cool stuff, Jesus was a big fan and wants you to come in a vehicle with the proper clearance

redshirt
Aug 11, 2007

Reporting for away mission Sir.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness,
for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger
those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers.

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Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005

Don’t eat shellfish unless you want the gross shits

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