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stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

A coworker had to watch his kid for the last 20 minutes of his shift and the kid awkwardly was wondering around the office so I told him my clean joke.

Why do cows have bells around their necks?

BECAUSE THEIR HORNS DONT WORK!!!! hahahahahaha

Lets share clean jokes.

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Steezo
Jun 16, 2003
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!


Are we doin this? Are we really doing this? Ok then.

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.... The bartender asks, What is this? A joke?

Elviscat
Jan 1, 2008

Well don't you know I'm caught in a trap?

What do you get when you replace all the Carbon atoms in a benzene ring with iron ones?

a ferrous wheel

Where does the general keep his armies?

in his sleavies!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

[Spoiler]ten[/i]

My Spirit Otter
Jun 15, 2006


CANADA DOESN'T GET PENS LIKE THIS

SKILCRAFT KREW Reppin' Quality Blind Made American Products. Bitch.
i tried googling dirty jokes about cleaning but google fuckin sucks nowadays.

welp, thanks for reading

Wrong Theory
Aug 27, 2005

Satellite from days of old, lead me to your access code
Where do rainbows go when they're bad?

Prism. It's a light sentence.

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

Why did Luke Skywalker not like his steak dinner?

It was Chewie

LtCol J. Krusinski
May 7, 2013
Whats the best part about loving homeless chicks? You can drop em off anywhere.

Am I doing this right?

AlternateNu
May 5, 2005

ドーナツダメ!
Why was Heisenberg's wife never satisfied?

Whenever he found the energy, he couldn't find the time.

Soul Dentist
Mar 17, 2009
Whaddaya call a fish with no eyes?

*fsssshhh*

Gotta say it out loud I guess

Jaguars!
Jul 31, 2012


You could clean up this one

Al Cu Ad Solte posted:

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms You have finally freed me after all these years, so Ill grant each one of you 3 wishes. The first guy immediately blurts out I want a billion dollars. POOF, hes holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000

The second man thinks for a bit, then says I want to be the richest man alive. POOF, hes holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life. POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them its time for their second wish. First guy says: I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth. POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want. POOF, his looks change and the first guys wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die. POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die. POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees dont bother him any more.

Second guy says I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever. POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth. POOF, hes now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: Ive invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and Ive never gotten so much as a cold in all these years. Second guy smiles and says Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, Im still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I havent aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

Guys, I think I hosed up.

if ya really wanna sell it do the actions

ASAPI
Apr 20, 2007
I invented the line.

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh-

Moooo!

Stultus Maximus
Dec 21, 2009

USPOL May
My favorite dad joke ever:

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

Soul Dentist
Mar 17, 2009
Whaddaya call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip beef

How bout a cow with one leg?

Lean beef

And how bout a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

But what do we call a cow with two legs?

Yer mother

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

There were two chemist just talking about the cosmos and fate. The one chemist just deciced to sublimate

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

Why can you not phone a Pirate? His phone is off the Hook!!!!! har har har

Steezo
Jun 16, 2003
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!


A guy wakes up in the hospital after a car accident and yells "Doctor! DOCTOR! I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!"

The doctor replies, "That's because you lost your hands in the accident."

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

What do junior geologist always say?
It's Gniess or Gold let the Lab sort it out.

What do fiber crews say?
Probably a backhoe.

What do copper crews say?
Still a backhoe.

What do I want to operate?
A Backhoe

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

I had a friend who got a new job as a flight instructor.

He told me his career was finally taking off.

Steezo
Jun 16, 2003
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!


You hear the one about the motorcycle that fell asleep? It was two tired...

ASAPI
Apr 20, 2007
I invented the line.

Three men walk into a bar.

The fourth ducks.

pantslesswithwolves
Oct 28, 2008

Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM

A mechanic is working in his shop when he hears a car pull into his service bay. It's a small convertible, and the mechanic is surprised to see two penguins sitting in the car with the driver.

The driver says, "Hey buddy, I just found these two penguins! What do you think I should do with them?"

The mechanic thinks for a second and says "Take them to the zoo?"

The driver responds , "Of course! What a great idea!" and drives off.

The next day, the mechanic is at work again and is surprised to see the same convertible pull up with the penguins still sitting next to the driver. The mechanic says, "Hey, didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?"

The driver replies, "Yes! And we had an excellent time. Today, we're on our way to the beach!"

pantslesswithwolves
Oct 28, 2008

Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he'll have to drink.

The bear says, "I'll have a beer and...







































































































































...a shot of bourbon, please."

The bartender says, "OK, but why the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

Godholio
Aug 28, 2002

Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

I was walking through the desert and ran into a Marine, a Navy, and an Army and something other, The air force started to request that we make the living quarters to standard. Space force had higher standards.

madeintaipei
Jul 13, 2012

A man is sitting by a lake with his dog, fishing. A cow's head pops out of the water and makes a request, "Got a smoke?" The man answers, "Sure thing.", puts a cigarette in the cow's mouth, and watches it sink back under the surface. He turns to his dog and wonders, "What was that about?!"

"What are you asking me for? I'm just the dog!"

Elviscat
Jan 1, 2008

Well don't you know I'm caught in a trap?

A girl is walking home from school one day. As she walks by the school's flagpole, a group of boys calls out to her, one says "hey, I'll give you a stick of gum if you climb this flagpole!"

So the girl climbs the flagpole, gets her gum, and is so excited about winning a bet with those boys she runs home to her mom and tells her all about it.

Her mom sighs and says, "Don't climb the flagpole just because the boys want to see your underwear!"

Next day, the boys offer the girl the same thing, and she says "my mom told me not to climb the flagpole just because you want to see my underwear" the boys counter with "how about for two sticks of gum then?"

She goes up the flagpole, down, collects her reward, runs home to her mom full of pride, tells her all about it. Mom says, "Look, honey, I already told you once, don't climb that flagpole just because the boys want to see your underwear! Don't do it again!"

Next day, same thing, but they offer her a whole pack of gum. She climbs up and down and runs home to mom.

Mom says, "Honey, why on earth would you climb that flagpole after I've told you not to climb the flagpole just because the boys want to see your underwear twice, in no uncertain terms?"

Girl looks at her mom, gets a big smirk on her face and replies "don't worry mom, I tricked those boys today, I didn't wear any underwear."

Burt
Sep 23, 2007

Poke.



How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three.

Left ear, right ear and final front ear.

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

A bunch of kids where hanging out in the back yard just doing silly kid stuff. One kid asked the other what time it was. Kid number 4 stands up and makes the most god awful sound. A parent screams out the window "Dont you know it is 3 in the morning"

The 90"s kid way of seeing what time it was.

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

I was plane spotting at the end of the Air-force base and the Stealth must be good. I never saw a thing.

The Army was having war games near my town. The camouflage was excellent.

The Navy was just SubMarine!

The Marines in Berthing pulled a bunch of books apart with their asses.

DICK BOOK

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

What detergents do Mermaids use?

Tide!!!

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

If Something is Gneiss, Dont take it for Granite

Har har har

I did find some neato burrito rocks.


Keep up the good news

Steezo
Jun 16, 2003
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!


stinkypete posted:

If Something is Gneiss, Dont take it for Granite

Har har har

That reminds me, what did the geologists say when they dug down 69 meters and found metamorphic rock?

Gneiss...

nullandvoid
Mar 7, 2006

Look, the Mona Lisa's not a better painting, it's merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so...
Justice is best served cold.

Otherwise it's justwater.

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

What room will a Zombie dislike?

A Living room!

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

Why is Voyager 1 and 2 the best space craft we sent into space?

They are Far out there! har har har hah hah

https://voyager.jpl.nasa.gov/

Pretty neat reads if you look into the power source of both probes.

madeintaipei
Jul 13, 2012

stinkypete posted:

What room will a Zombie dislike?

A Living room!

I hate this.

Also, going to get a groan out of the kids with it.

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers? AKA the lead pig.

To stop it from falling out.

1986 was a weird time.

I was only a kid then.

stinkypete
Nov 27, 2007
wow

I heard how you can unlock your power Animal.

You just have to say these three phrases faster and faster.


These Ancient texts from long ago are

I Yahhm
Sugg
osee

I think this is from the book of F14

stinkypete fucked around with this message at 05:35 on Oct 31, 2023

Elviscat
Jan 1, 2008

Well don't you know I'm caught in a trap?

I was walking down the road the other day, and saw a dude welding some large metal plates into a big tank. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was busy and refused to say!


It was the most baffling interaction I've ever had.

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Laranzu
Jan 18, 2002
Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

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