i tried to make fondue and i barely survived

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > i tried to make fondue and i barely survived

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

i was looking in the fridge and i was like oh poo poo i'm going to probably starve to death or go broke if i don't use up all this food that's about to go bad, so i pulled a bunch of stuff out and realized I had:

some gross looking apples and pears of different kinds
a lot of swiss cheese that was getting vaguely nasty
some mustards of different kinds
a lot of stale bread and cheapo beer
some little bit of cheap butter that was looking iffy

I don't actually know how to make fondue the real way, and am not going to look it up. All i know about it is that it's food for 70s sex perverts and swingers and how to guess.

i got a couple pots that were the same diameter and mostly filled the bottom one with water, then put the smaller one on top of that, and cranked the heat. I cracked a beer and put it on the other burner turned all the way down.
then i threw the butter & mustard in and melted it, it was pretty powerful smelling but, whatever. I stirred it and it melted into a uniform, glossy version of mustard. it was kind of a lot.
by now the beer can was not sweating so i took it off the heat and started slowly adding small amounts of beer & cheese, while constantly stirring it.

gradually it began getting thicker and thicker, glossier and glossier, until it did this... inversion where i had like a half saucepan of some kinda like molten cheese substance. Not a sauce anymore, not really cheese. With trepidity i dipped in a piece of a pear and ate it...

It was intense as gently caress. I don't know what it actually was. Absolutely the king of pervert foods hands down. Real sicko poo poo, eating a fully bitter or sour & crunchy apple or pear or something like that, combined with this? Then a toasted bread? Perhaps some savory meats? Clearly this is the food of pre-aids pervosexuals. One step off from Nature's Harvest.� I started laughing uncontrollably and eating more. Then eating more, faster. Then I had to slow down and eat more apples and pears only. Then I had to stop and drink water. I turned off the double boiler, wishing I had something like black bread.

Then I realized something was wrong. Real wrong. No normal person, or even goon was meant to do this, not this much, surely not alone. I started sweating. Realized I'd pay for this hubris. At first I thought I'd just cough or have to blow my nose, take a breather. Very snot generating, btw. Then I thought maybe I might have to puke, but it was too late for that. Much too late. It was all thru my guts you see. From my sinuses down. All the way down. Only thru complete focus and self mastery could I sustain.

"I cannot poo poo my pants." I actually said this outloud to nobody. For several hours I sat on the floor, sweating, in the dark, desperately struggling not to poo poo my pants. At some point I very carefully rolled onto my left side, while panting like a fuckin' dog. I think I might have cried. After a while these sensations ended and I fell asleep.

--

tl;dr I almost poo poo all over myself, and had to sleep on the floor like a drat animal, because I tried to make fondue and then ate it too fast. Also i ate it entirely by myself like a loser

# ? Nov 11, 2024 08:02

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# ? Dec 5, 2024 10:43

cumpantry: Dec 18, 2020

you ate a pear with melted cheese? wtf is wrong with you?

# ? Nov 11, 2024 08:21

Secks Cauldron: Aug 26, 2006; I thought they closed that place down!

I thought pears paired well with cheese

# ? Nov 11, 2024 08:22

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Same I used to put them in grill cheese

# ? Nov 11, 2024 08:29

Rubber Chicken: Mar 13, 2024; [IMG-CHICKEN]

SniperWoreConverse posted:

grill cheese

# ? Nov 11, 2024 08:41

The Loin King: Feb 16, 2017; Check out this goddamned cat

buncha molten cheese leaking from the hole of my house

# ? Nov 11, 2024 09:07

Inexplicable Humblebrag: Sep 20, 2003

thanks for relaying a uniquely depressing goon dining experience, op

# ? Nov 11, 2024 09:09

Escape From Noise: Jul 27, 2004

So did you gently caress the cheese or not, OP?

# ? Nov 11, 2024 11:40

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; When ilovebeersooomuch isn't posting, all the other goons should be asking "where's ilovebeersooomuch?" That's what I think.

It�s probably even better now that everything�s sat out overnight.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 11:46

Hammerite: Mar 9, 2007; And you don't remember what I said here, either, but it was pompous and stupid.; Jade Ear Joe

SniperWoreConverse posted:

tl;dr I almost poo poo all over myself

I don't think this is how this genre of GBS threads is supposed to go

# ? Nov 11, 2024 11:55

Prawned: Oct 25, 2010

we once had a fondue party (didn't end up swinging, sadly), but i underestimated how long it would take to melt the cheese.

So everyone was standing around, watching cheese melt in my kitchen, while we drank beer and wine. the cheese was finally melted at like 10pm, so we sat down to eat and my friend had a great idea for the forfeit (when you eat fondue you have to have a forfeit if you lose your bread in the cheese) - which was that we'd go into the back cupboard and get all the bottles of old booze which have been sitting half drunk since we were in university, and you'd have a shot if you lost your bread.

Now, on top of having drunk a substantial amount of wine and beer on empty stomachs, then putting a fuckton of melted cheese on that base layer of alcohol, we were doing shots of old raspberry schnaps and poo poo. my wife went to bed with my other friends wife (not swingingly), and when I went to check on them they had both kotched red raspberry cheese all over the bed and floor (still asleep). then I went back downstairs and my other friend had passed out, on his back on the floor, lying there like a starfish arms and legs splayed out.

the last survivor and I played nidhogg till 4am and then I slept for 24 hours.

that's my fondue story

# ? Nov 11, 2024 12:15

Anderson Koopa: Jun 9, 2006; all is right with the world especially as I lay waste to my fellow IKs; Grimey Drawer

I wonder how Goons with Spoons would receive this story of culinary experimentation?

# ? Nov 11, 2024 12:22

Scam Likely: Feb 18, 2021; THREAD KILLED BY

The word culinary is derived from "colon" and "canary". This is because the tingle you feel at your butthole before making GBS threads your pants is similar to a canary' death rattle in a coal mine warning of impending doom.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 12:28

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

OP, did you not consider sitting on a toilet and purging yourself instead of curling up on the kitchen floor trying not to poo poo yourself?

# ? Nov 11, 2024 13:09

hot cocoa on the couch: Dec 8, 2009

BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:

It�s probably even better now that everything�s sat out overnight.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 13:15

Cobra Commander: Jan 18, 2011

So you ate a lot and then laid on the floor? I don�t understand how you immediately finish eating and then have some revelatory moment and conclude you must get on the floor.

Actually, we�re goons this makes sense. Surprised you didn�t get your computer to play Eve while you were pretend dying.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 13:21

coelomate: Oct 21, 2020

this is very relatable op, you are not alone

most recently was buffalo chicken dip in a slow cooker

# ? Nov 11, 2024 13:23

MrQwerty: Apr 15, 2003

BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:

It’s probably even better now that everything’s sat out overnight.

The post that launched a half-dozen probes

# ? Nov 11, 2024 13:31

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Putting the fun in fondue

# ? Nov 11, 2024 14:08

Sweaty IT Nerd: Jul 13, 2007

Secks Cauldron posted:

I thought pears paired well with cheese

I don't care what kind of savage you brand me but pears and peanut butter are good too.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 14:25

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

I'm betting you ran into problems because you ate the pervert food while clothed.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 14:53

All You Can Eat: Aug 27, 2004; Abundance is the dullest desire.

Escape From Noise posted:

So did you gently caress the cheese or not, OP?

Buddy,

# ? Nov 11, 2024 14:55

Anderson Koopa: Jun 9, 2006; all is right with the world especially as I lay waste to my fellow IKs; Grimey Drawer

big nipples big life posted:

I'm betting you ran into problems because you ate the pervert food while clothed.

If you're going to make questionable food decisions it's best to have as few layers separating you from the toilet as possible.

# ? Nov 11, 2024 14:55

Internetjack: Sep 15, 2007; oh god how did this get here i am not good with computers; Top Cop

How drunk/stoned were you?

# ? Nov 11, 2024 15:10

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:

It�s probably even better now that everything�s sat out overnight.

to mature
i left it out still. It's been almost 12 hours probably. I think I'm going to turn on the boiler and see it it's more edible in small amounts. The flavor, impossible to describe, even now

Prawned posted:

that's my fondue story

it's a dangerous dish

therattle posted:

OP, did you not consider sitting on a toilet and purging yourself instead of curling up on the kitchen floor trying not to poo poo yourself?

absolutely not i have specific medications (like an expensive rare pet might have) that i cannot poo poo out before they are absorbed or i will instantly die

Cobra Commander posted:

So you ate a lot and then laid on the floor? I don�t understand how you immediately finish eating and then have some revelatory moment and conclude you must get on the floor.

Actually, we�re goons this makes sense. Surprised you didn�t get your computer to play Eve while you were pretend dying.

clearly you've never been in the grip of horror. I wasn't able to finish eating because i was overwhelmed by the evil powers of the profane fondue

big nipples big life posted:

I'm betting you ran into problems because you ate the pervert food while clothed.

probably a big part of it, i'm thinking you have to do it the rite way like put your keys in the bowl or the right way like you know what you're doing.