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So this husband and wife are at this marriage seminar. The speaker says "Men, you really need to know your wife. For example, what is her favorite flour?" So the husband leans over to the wife and he says "Is it roses or Pillsbury All Purpose?" -- A man walks into a bar, he sees two juicy steaks hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those fine cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling?" The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and bite the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?" "No, but thanks anyway." "Why not?", asks the barman. "I can't jump that high."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:29
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Why did the chicken cross the road? It didnt, chickens live and die a horrible death in a pen.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:31
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A man was stopped at a large traffic jam, so long that he couldn't see what was causing the hold up. Eventually, a police officer approached and he asked what was the matter. "Oh, O.J. Simpson is lying in the middle of the intersection, and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire if he can't pay his legal fees." "That's terrible," replies the man. "What is he lying about?" "No, I mean he's laying there. Lying, laying? I don't know." "Oh. How much have they collected so far?" "$4.50" "Cool."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:34
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So there's this penguin driving across the Nullabour Plain (that's in Australia) and it's a really hot day - and that's bad news for a penguin. The penguin is driving and saying "Sheesh" a lot and wiping his brow with his flipper then the car starts acting up! Bumpity bumpity bump... "Oh great", thinks the penguin. To his relief, there is a service station not too far further along. He drives in, parks his car, hops out and waddles over to the mechanic. "Can you have a look at my car?", says the penguin, "it's making a funny sound." "Sure" says the mechanic. "Sheesh," thinks the penguin. "It's so hot!. I think I'll go inside to the air conditioning." So he waddles over and goes inside. He mooches around, flicking through magazines, killing time. He decides he'll buy a vanilla ice cream cone to help him cool down. Then he goes back out to the car. "Sheesh," he says as he waddles back over the tarmac. "It's really hot." And he's making a real mess of the ice cream, on account of it being so hot and him being a penguin and only being able to hold it with his flipper. He spills more of it over himself than he gets in his mouth. He gets back to the car and comes up to the mechanic who's leaning over the engine. The mechanic looks up at him and says, "Hmm. Looks like you've blown a gasket." "Oh no," laughs the penguin, "That's only ice cream."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:34
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One K-Meson says to another K-Meson "I think I just decomposed into 2 pi-mesons!" The other K-Meson replies "Are you sure" The Pi-Mesons say "Yes, we're positive!" I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:34
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So this Robot walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your kind" To which the Robot replies "you're right, I serve you!" Robot is supposed to say, "You Will."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:35
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These two guys walk into a bar. One looks to the other and says "hey, want to have gay anal sex?" The other looks at him and replies "you bet I do!" There is this peice of rope. He goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says that they can't serve martinis to rope. So the peice of rope walks out. He goes down the street to another bar. Walks up to the bar and says he'd like a martini. The bartender points to a sign on the wall that indicates that ropes cant be serves martinis. So the rope goes to another bar, and another bar and another bar. He keeps getting turned down. Finally he comes up with a plan. He twist himself this way, and turns that way, he pulls his top through the loop and straightens himself out. He then takes a comb out of his pocket and frizzles up his hair. He walks into the next bar. "Bartender, I'd like a martini..." The bartender looks at him and says "Sorry, no martinis for you, you're a rope!" The rope looks back and says "I don't think so!" lopl tjanks! OFFICIAL E-Friend of T_S_M, accept no imitations. FrozenEntree fucked around with this message at 19:40 on Jul 1, 2003 |
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Jul 1, 2003 19:35
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gently caress YOU, CLOD A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. Bartender says "Holy poo poo! What is that for??" The pirate says "Yeah, it's driving my nuts" ROY GAMO fucked around with this message at 19:40 on Jul 1, 2003 |
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Jul 1, 2003 19:35
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Shirley Temple walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you know, we've got a drink named after you." Shirley Temple says, "Really? You have a drink called 'Shirley Temple'"? The bartender says, "Yes."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:36
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quote:FrozenEntree came out of the closet to say: :lol::lol:
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Jul 1, 2003 19:36
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yarr it's driving me crazy!
WAU
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Jul 1, 2003 19:37
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Why did the moron bring a ladder to the party? They were having drinks up on the roof!
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Jul 1, 2003 19:37
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What's brown and sticky? My anus.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:38
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This guy walks into a bar, and sees a guy with a giant letter "S" on his blue shirt. He says, "What are you, Superman ?" Superman says: "But of course not. I'm just a regular, vulnerable human like you. By the way, did you know that if you jump out this window, you will bounce right back up ?" Guy says: "No way." Superman jumps out the window, bounces off the ground, and ends up back at the bar. Guy says "Let me try it.", jumps out of the window, and splatters on the sidewalk. Bartender says, "You can be such a dick sometimes, Spiderman." shihonage fucked around with this message at 19:43 on Jul 1, 2003 |
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Jul 1, 2003 19:38
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A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "What's that steering wheel doing in your pants?" The pirate says "Arr, I don't know but it's pissing me off". e;fb, but I included the whole thing. [nt]
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Jul 1, 2003 19:38
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Jul 1, 2003 19:39
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Richard Dean Anderson walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you know, we've got a drink named after you." Richard Dean Anderson says, "Really? You have a drink called 'Richard Dean Anderson'"? The bartender says, "Yes. Wait, no."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:39
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quote:Lamech came out of the closet to say: That is very, very excellent.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:39
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Superman is flying around patrolling Metropolis when he looks down and sees Lois Lane writhing naked in bed. So he uses his Super Speed to swoop in, strip down, and start pounding away. He blows his load, rolls over, and says "Was it good for you?" She looked at him and said "No rear end in a top hat you shattered my spine when you busted a nut and now I'm parapalegic." -- Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. The judge turns to Mickey and says "Sir, after a thorough psychological profile, there is no evidence to support your claim of Minnie's insanity or dementia." Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was loving Pluto."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:40
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So a doctor walks into a bar. Wait, I think he was a dentist. poo poo. I cant remember. Whatever. Anyways, he walks in and the bartender says something and then man pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny pianist. The pianst plays or something and the guy asks for drinks and there's this part about a genie and how he wished for a 12 inch penis.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:41
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Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get piss drunk and the giraffe passes out. The guy get up to walk out, the bar-tender says 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin there' and the replier 'Alright' and drags it out.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:42
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quote:Lamech came out of the closet to say:
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Jul 1, 2003 19:42
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So three guys walk into a bar and the fourth one quacks.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:43
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What do you call a black woman who gets five abortions? A slut.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:43
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Black jelly bean : Yo White jelly bean : Yeah ? Black jelly bean : Your rear end is candy.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:43
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One night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmellow. It was the biggest, most delicious marshmellow in the world. Then I woke up and found out I'd wet the bed.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:44
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quote:Dork457 came out of the closet to say: Buahahahhahah! Winnar! A woman and her friend sit on the porch gossiping, when the husband comes home, he has a bunch of flowers. The friend says 'awww flowers isnt that sweet', 'yeah yeah' the woman says, brushing her off. 'I'd be happy if someone brought me flowers' the friend says, ' Look, everytime my husband brings me flowers i end up on my back with my legs in the air for the rest of the night' says the woman, the friend says something witty and usually people laugh. Wine in the morning, and some breakfast at night. Im beginning to see the light.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:44
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So 2 guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks. The 2nd one says to the 3rd one, "Why did you duck?" and the third one replies "Bacause Im gonna kill myself tonight." Perhaps I missed the point... e;f,b sorta.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:45
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A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're a stupid loving idiot."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:46
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knock-knock Who's there? We're here to collect the money you owe the Hells Angels. We're here to collect the money you owe the Hells Angels... who? We're here to collect the money you owe the Hells Angels, or break your legs. --------------------------- A priest, a minister, and a rabbi, walk into a bar. The Rabbi says, "I don't believe in Jesus." The Priest says, "Have fun in hell then."
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Jul 1, 2003 19:46
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The bartender says to the bear, 'well what about that lady down there you ate'?
Wine in the morning, and some breakfast at night. Im beginning to see the light.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:46
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So 2 guys walk into a bar. The second guy re-ducks. quote:6StringSamurai came out of the closet to say: :lol::lol::lol: This makes a hilarious joke just by itself. shihonage fucked around with this message at 19:49 on Jul 1, 2003 |
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Jul 1, 2003 19:46
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Rectum? He almost died!
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Jul 1, 2003 19:48
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quote:6StringSamurai came out of the closet to say: Actually that's Indian in the Cupboard Syndrome.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:50
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A guy walks into the bathroom and sees a short man dressed in green pissing in a urinal. He goes to the other urinal beside him, starts doing his own business, when he notices how HUGE the little guy is hung. Well, the little green dude notices the man's stare and says, while an Irish accent: "Pretty big, eh? Tell you what, I'm a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes if you suck off the wee l'il fella!" Well, the guy thinks for a second and realizes: "OMG, I'm gay." Heroes in a Half-Shell: Turtle Power!
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Jul 1, 2003 19:50
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Mmm hmm...so there's these two guys on a bridge...one says the water's cold, the other says the water's deep...I reckon one of the fellers was from Arkansas...mmm hmm.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:51
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Here, moron.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:51
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The loud sound was an ancient clock designed by Christ and the Spanish monks have tended to it over the years, as it will tell when the end of the world is near. But I probably shouldn't have told you that, since you're not a Spanish Monk.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:51
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So a teacher asks her class what they did over the weekend. Teacher: "So, Timmy, how was your weekend?" Timmy: "Terrible! My dad and i were driving around, and we hit my dog in the rear end!" Teacher: "Rectum." Timmy: "Oh, i'm sorry, I'll be sure to wash my foul mouth out with soap when I get home"
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Jul 1, 2003 19:52
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| # ? Apr 14, 2024 04:10 |
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A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
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Jul 1, 2003 19:53
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