I just now realized what Jesus was talking about in the vineyard parable

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > I just now realized what Jesus was talking about in the vineyard parable

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That Robot: Sep 16, 2004; ask me anything about robots; Buglord

check it out y'all

Jesus' childhood was so wicked :megadeath:

that it was banned from the bible

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infancy_Gospel_of_Thomas posted:

Infancy Gospel of Thomas

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is a pseudepigraphical gospel about the childhood of Jesus that is believed to date to the 2nd century. It was part of a popular genre of biblical work, written to satisfy a hunger among early Christians for more miraculous and anecdotal stories of the childhood of Jesus than the Gospel of Luke provided. Later references by Hippolytus of Rome and Origen of Alexandria to a Gospel of Thomas are more likely to be referring to this Infancy Gospel than to the wholly different Gospel of Thomas with which it is sometimes confused. It would appear to be unrelated to the Canonical Gospels.

...

The text describes the life of the child Jesus, with fanciful, and sometimes malevolent, supernatural events, comparable to the trickster nature of the god-child in many a Greek myth. One of the episodes involves Jesus making clay birds, which he then proceeds to bring to life, an act also attributed to Jesus in Quran 5:110,[1] although Jesus's age at the time of the event is not specified in the Quran. In another episode, a child disperses water that Jesus has collected. Jesus, aged one, then curses him, which causes the child's body to wither into a corpse. Another child dies when Jesus curses him when he apparently accidentally bumps into Jesus, throws a stone at Jesus, or punches Jesus (depending on the translation).

When Joseph and Mary's neighbors complain, they are miraculously struck blind by Jesus. Jesus then starts receiving lessons, but arrogantly tries to teach the teacher instead, upsetting the teacher who suspects supernatural origins. Jesus is amused by this suspicion, which he confirms, and revokes all his earlier apparent cruelty. Subsequently he resurrects a friend who is killed when he falls from a roof, and heals another who cuts his foot with an axe.

After various other demonstrations of supernatural ability, new teachers try to teach Jesus, but he proceeds to explain the law to them instead. There is another set of miracles in which Jesus heals his brother who is bitten by a snake, and two others who have died from different causes. Finally, the text recounts the episode in Luke in which Jesus, aged twelve, teaches in the temple.

Although the miracles seem quite randomly inserted into the text, there are three miracles before, and three after, each of the sets of lessons. The structure of the story is essentially:

Bringing life to a dried fish (this is only present in later texts)
(First group)
3 Miracles - Breathes life into birds fashioned from clay, curses a boy, who then becomes a corpse, curses a boy who falls dead and his parents become blind
Attempt to teach Jesus which fails, with Jesus doing the teaching
3 Miracles - Reverses his earlier acts, resurrects a friend who fell from a roof, heals a man who chopped his foot with an axe.[2]
(Second group)
3 Miracles - Carries water on cloth, produces a feast from a single grain, stretches a beam of wood to help his father finish constructing a bed
Attempts to teach Jesus, which fails, with Jesus doing the teaching
3 Miracles - Heals James from snake poison, resurrects a child who died of illness, resurrects a man who died in a construction accident
Incident in the temple paralleling Luke

bolding by me on some of the crazier poo poo

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:32

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 03:25

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

Joseph: "It's good that Jesus did that, it's good he sent those children to the cornfield..." *sweats profusely*

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:34

Methanar: Sep 26, 2013; by the sex ghost

Can someone explain to me the part where in one of the gospels jesus murders a tree for what seems to be no reason?

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:35

NeoHentaiMaster: Jul 13, 2004; More well adjusted then you'd think.

Doctor J Off posted:

Recent research suggests that Jesus wasn't even a man but a myth from Roman plutocrats to placate the poor

This is bullshit done by crank amateurs trying to sell books. There is recent research showing Jesus may not have been a man but it has nothing to do with any Roman conspiracy. It is far more likely he simply started out as a revelatory being in a jewish cult and was later inserted into history by Pauline sect the authors of Mark were from as a way of making it easier to control church doctrine. Even Mark itself has hints its all just a parable for outsides and church insiders will eventually learn the truth of the cosmic Jesus.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:45

NeoHentaiMaster: Jul 13, 2004; More well adjusted then you'd think.

Methanar posted:

Can someone explain to me the part where in one of the gospels jesus murders a tree for what seems to be no reason?

It's a metaphor about why God would allow the second temple to be destroyed.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:46

Jerry Mumphrey: Mar 11, 2004; by zen death robot
(and can't post for 4 years!)

here's a question for the theologians out there: how would jesus have fared in the world of hbo's game of thrones?

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:51

FreudianSlippers: Apr 12, 2010; Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

There were dozens of wannabe messiahs in ancient Judea because people believed the end of the world was just around the corner and that it was the right time for the savior to show up. It just so happens that one of those messiahs had a message that really resonated with the audience and made it big while the rest were mostly forgotten.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:52

phasmid: Jan 16, 2015; Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY

Applewhite posted:

He definitely knew what money was because he kicked all the money changers out of the temple.

I thought he was just whipping them for being Jewish.

NeoHentaiMaster posted:

This is bullshit done by crank amateurs trying to sell books. There is recent research showing Jesus may not have been a man but it has nothing to do with any Roman conspiracy. It is far more likely he simply started out as a revelatory being in a jewish cult and was later inserted into history by Pauline sect the authors of Mark were from as a way of making it easier to control church doctrine. Even Mark itself has hints its all just a parable for outsides and church insiders will eventually learn the truth of the cosmic Jesus.

Let's be clear, there's several ways of interpreting the figure of Jesus and they probably all have their merits. So many similar characters - even in the region where he was supposedly active - bore the name Christos and claimed to be ambassadors from Heaven. Then you've got the eastern influences, the ancient influences and all the stuff that people whipped up ever since Constantine painted a shield and kicked the hell out of the people trying to take away his vision.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:53

Fergus Mac Roich: Nov 5, 2008; Soiled Meat

Methanar posted:

Can someone explain to me the part where in one of the gospels jesus murders a tree for what seems to be no reason?

he wanted a fig or whatever and the tree wasn't giving up the goods so he taught it a loving lesson.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:55

Do it ironically: Jul 13, 2010; by Pragmatica

mohammed was a pedophile who raped a 9 year old

# ? Apr 14, 2016 19:56

Jerry Mumphrey: Mar 11, 2004; by zen death robot
(and can't post for 4 years!)

Do it ironically posted:

mohammed was a pedophile who raped a 9 year old

perhaps he should...^{moderate the something awful forums}

:smugmrgw:

# ? Apr 14, 2016 20:00

Rutibex: Sep 9, 2001; by Fluffdaddy

the vineyard owner know whats up. those lazy workers in the morning where snacking on his grapes all day as they worked, they don't deserve any more payment :colbert:

# ? Apr 14, 2016 20:14

Fried Watermelon: Dec 29, 2008

Words and stories are arbitrary

They are merely human constructs

The moral of the story is don't sell your work for the cheapest price.

Realize that farmer NEEDS you.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 20:15

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

Rutibex posted:

the vineyard owner know whats up. those lazy workers in the morning where snacking on his grapes all day as they worked, they don't deserve any more payment

Maybe if they had worked harder, he wouldn't have had to hire more help.

# ? Apr 14, 2016 20:15

Split Pea Superman: Dec 16, 2010; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

*makes decce figgies as a carpenter*

*turns water into wine for everyone*

# ? Apr 14, 2016 20:27

glowstick party tonight: Oct 4, 2003; by zen death robot

Uhh the Bible isn't a parable homes it is the literal word of God who spoke English

# ? Apr 14, 2016 20:27

That Robot: Sep 16, 2004; ask me anything about robots; Buglord

solaranus posted:

*makes decce figgies as a carpenter*

*turns water into wine for everyone*

but can he turn clover into cannabis?

that is something only a true messiah can do

# ? Apr 15, 2016 04:35

TOOT BOOT: May 25, 2010

FreudianSlippers posted:

There were dozens of wannabe messiahs in ancient Judea because people believed the end of the world was just around the corner and that it was the right time for the savior to show up. It just so happens that one of those messiahs had a message that really resonated with the audience and made it big while the rest were mostly forgotten.

They were right nothing good has really happened in the past 2000 years and soon it'll be curtains for humanity

# ? Apr 15, 2016 04:46

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 03:25

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

i like the one where jesus and juthead are caught whackinit in the tool shed

# ? Apr 15, 2016 04:47

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > I just now realized what Jesus was talking about in the vineyard parable

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