Ryan North's To Be or Not To Be: The Adventures of Porkchop Weebottoms

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Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

HAMLET

To only one endeavor do I rise,
To act most scared, and chafe the mike, for, sworn,
That is the only thing to which ears turn,
Me panicking, becoming mad, and worried.
That is most scrumptious to you, is it not.

KING CLAUDIUS

Play the next song, play the next song.

HAMLET

Do not turn off mine mike, I know my craft.
I know my art, I have performed thus for--

KING CLAUDIUS

Please, please play the next song.

HAMLET

My father, hark, don't slay the loving mike.
Dull silence is my list'ners' only fear.

KING CLAUDIUS

Play the song, play the song.

HAMLET

'Tis answered: No, you shut the gently caress up Dad.
It does maintain most odiferous that,
You bring such stubbornness into my life,
And my mother's, I pray, please do abstain,
Do not inflict unto everyone else--

Exeunt

HAMLET

[Beyond] King Mike, give me the loving mike.

quote:

He's in town for your dad's funeral / mom's wedding, and they served leftover appetizers from one at the other,

ghosts are real,

he's seen one and so have a bunch of other guys,

it keeps showing up at the same time, and

he's pretty sure it's the ghost of your dad.

Finally! Some adventure! Some CLOSURE. You agree that you'll come with him tonight to see the ghost when it shows up again.

It's such an obvious decision that it kinda feels like you don't even have a choice in the matter!

Yorick knows exactly what he wants us to do; we're going to agree to go up to a high platform in Elsinore Castle and look for ghostly dads that might be wandering around.

quote:

Well, now you have eight hours to blow before it's time to meet ghosts.

We have another opportunity to switch characters, or maybe just play card games that hopefully aren't built into the app, which seems to be crashing constantly on my phone already. What shall we do?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:12 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? Apr 29, 2015 01:04

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# ? May 9, 2024 16:58

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

It's the perfect time for a card game!

# ? Apr 29, 2015 01:11

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Card game

I love how we are just being railroaded at the moment.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 01:15

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

It's Time To DUEL

# ? Apr 29, 2015 01:42

Kangra: May 7, 2012

Kind of wish that 'being Ophelia for a while' involved putting on her clothes and running around pretending to be her. Cause I can see Hamlet doing that.

Be Ophelia for a while

# ? Apr 29, 2015 05:53

Cowboy Otis: Feb 23, 2015

It's time for inaction! Let's play some cards!

# ? Apr 29, 2015 17:46

Glazius: Jul 22, 2007; Hail all those who are able,
any mouse can,
any mouse will,
but the Guard prevail.; Clapping Larry

Card games! Sadly motorcycles are a long way off.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 18:55

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Porkchop Weebottoms is just going to hit the cards like a champion.

quote:

...which is a pretty colossally useless waste of your time, especially since you keep cheating. A five goes on top of a three, Hamlet? REALLY?

Anyway at this point we're 15 games in, and WOW if you're not careful people might start saying that your tragic flaw is, I don't know, inaction? Eventually the sun does go down, and it's almost 11:30, which hopefully you remember as the appointed hour Horatio told you about wherein a ghost keeps showing up to bother him!

Good news, there isn't a solitaire minigame! Seriously, the app has like a 50% chance of crashing when I go into the extras to pull up and save an achievement screen.

quote:

"Now we play the waiting game," says Horatio. He's interrupted by the sound of trumpets. You look at him and raise an eyebrow.

"They make that noise to warn everyone that King Claudius is getting wasted," he says. "Those trumpets go off every night around this time."

He sighs. "Denmark," he says.

At that exact moment, something insanely crazy happens! What the frig?

Aww, our poor lovable skull pal is freaked out of his eye sockets by this aberration from beyond the grave.

quote:

If you're getting too scared, read this next clause over and over until you're not insane with fear anymore:

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

Alright. Okay. We can do this. With your last shred of sanity, you quickly glance at the ghost -- and then worry that if you stare at the ghost too hard, your brain will realize it's looking at something SO INSANELY IMPOSSIBLE that you'll just black out.

Anyway: this ghost. You can see through it, but only a little? It's weird. And I'll tell you what the frig else: this ghost does look like your dad. And he's getting closer.

Hamlet really is a spoiled little child, isn't he. I mean, look at these options. Look at them.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:13 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? Apr 30, 2015 13:59

AgentF: May 11, 2009

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FPELc1wEvk

# ? Apr 30, 2015 14:14

dreezy: Mar 4, 2015; yeah, rip.

Can you just tell us now if options 1 and 3 go straight to game over

# ? Apr 30, 2015 15:27

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Run away!

Who the gently caress talks to a ghost besides Jennifer Love Hewitt?

# ? Apr 30, 2015 17:02

Glazius: Jul 22, 2007; Hail all those who are able,
any mouse can,
any mouse will,
but the Guard prevail.; Clapping Larry

Let's disappoint ghost dad in all possible ways by staring straight at him and then fainting.

# ? Apr 30, 2015 18:28

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

dreezy posted:

Can you just tell us now if options 1 and 3 go straight to game over

I decided to start giving Hamlet a few 1-ups on each run in part to mitigate the setback experienced by the game's many sudden and unexpected endings, and to mitigate the consequences of making incredibly dumb decisions just to see what ending results.

That being said, since you asked, let's have a look at one of these decisions. We're going to do as AgentF suggested and run the gently caress away from the ghost like it's General Woundwort!

quote:

"Holy cow holy cow HOLY COW," you say, jumping over a boulder and hiding behind it.

"Man, that was INTENSE," Horatio says, a hand on his chest. You both sit for a moment, each trying to catch your breath.

"Hey, let's go back and see if he's still there!" Horatio says.

Not much of a choice there. Let's move right along and--

quote:

If you're getting too scared, read this next clause over and over until you're not insane with fear anymore:

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

Alright. Okay. We can do this. With your last shred of sanity, you quickly glance at the ghost -- and then worry that if you stare at the ghost too hard, your brain will realize it's looking at something SO INSANELY IMPOSSIBLE that you'll just black out.

Anyway: this ghost. You can see through it, but only a little? It's weird. And I'll tell you what the frig else: this ghost does look like your dad. And he's getting closer.

Oh for gently caress's sake, an infinite loop. So much for that option.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:13 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 1, 2015 00:07

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

gently caress it, let's just play along and figure it out.

# ? May 1, 2015 00:21

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

I agree, Figure it out by staring really intensely at it Porkchop.

# ? May 1, 2015 01:06

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

We might as well see how blacking out works, even though we'll probably just wake up staring at the ghost again.

# ? May 1, 2015 01:18

Tiggum: Oct 24, 2007; Your life and your quest end here.

Why does it say "Wherefore"?

# ? May 1, 2015 06:25

Mzbundifund: Nov 5, 2011; I'm afraid so.

Because it's a word Shakespeare used in his famous line "Wherefore art thou Romeo?". It is utterly misused here.

# ? May 1, 2015 06:28

Kangra: May 7, 2012

I honestly think that as badly written as this is, Ryan North probably does know what 'wherefore' means. Which means he's using it here to be 'funny'. One could make the case for 'wherefore' as a causal link, but then it should not be a direct question.

Voting for black out

# ? May 1, 2015 07:11

AgentF: May 11, 2009

Will it infinite loop forever if you keep hammering blacking out or might it give in after a few attempts?

# ? May 1, 2015 13:53

Cowboy Otis: Feb 23, 2015

I agree, let's g-g-g-g-black out.

# ? May 1, 2015 14:31

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

AgentF posted:

Will it infinite loop forever if you keep hammering blacking out or might it give in after a few attempts?

In book form of To Be or Not To Be, if running away was a non-looping decision you would see the reference numbers change a bit or a little "if you have done this six times already, go to page 683" instruction. Software adaptations could potentially be sneakier, but in this case I can verify that nothing changes when that decision is looped 20-ish times. It really is an infinite loop.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 15:47 on May 1, 2015

# ? May 1, 2015 15:44

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

The thread consensus is it's time for our hero to be a true Porkchop Weebottoms.

quote:

You are now the ghost! Before you is the unconscious body of your son, Hamlet. It looks like maybe he tripped too many balls.

Yes, that's definitely what happened. There were a lot of balls lying around and Hamlet tripped on one too many of them. Maybe several. Bottom line: too many balls were DEFINITELY tripped, right here.

You expected more from your son than this. To be precise, you expected to be able to tell him that you were murdered by your brother, and that he should, oh I don't know, revenge your death.

Instead you're staring at a dude you can't even touch. You stick a finger inside Hamlet's head, thinking that maybe if you touch his brain he'll wake up? But brains don't work that way, at least not with immaterial fingers made out of ectoplasm or whatever. And you don't make your finger solid, which is good, because that definitely would've killed him.

Just like that, we're the Ghost King again! Unfortunately, he can't figure out how to wake up a sleeping person on this go-round, so we're going to take alternative measures.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:14 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 2, 2015 01:14

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Let's tell someone else.

# ? May 2, 2015 01:27

Stallion Cabana: Feb 14, 2012; 1; Get into Grad School

2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E

~~3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.~~

Can we find someone. Anyone, more competent then Porkchop Weebottoms?

Where's Yorick? He can help us.

# ? May 2, 2015 01:56

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Mzbundifund posted:

Because it's a word Shakespeare used in his famous line "Wherefore art thou Romeo?". It is utterly misused here.

Ryan North makes fun of Shakespearean language a fair bit in the course of the book. You'll notice that he keeps using "revenge" as a verb, which is pulled straight from the script of Hamlet when King Hamlet's ghost is talking to his son.

Case in point, we're going to see a little bit of that when the Ghost King tries to enlist people other than Hamlet to do his dirty work.

quote:

"Hey," you say. "Listen -- Horatio, right? Listen, don't freak out."

He seems to freak out a little less. That's good.

"Hey, when Hamlet wakes up, can you tell him my own brother murdered me?" you ask. "Tell him I'm looking for a little revenge."

Horatio nods meekly. "If he doesn't want to do it, then I'll make sure to revenge you, Mr. Your Majesty's Ghost, sir."

"Just 'sir' is fine," you say, smiling in what you hope is a reassuring way. You look at Horatio for a moment. "Well -- great," you say. "Perfect." Horatio looks at you. You look at him. He scuffs his feet a little. "So, I guess that's it," you say. "With my unfinished work now, um, finished, I suppose it's time for me to die for real now."

You fade away in a shimmering light, certain that with Hamlet's intensity and Horatio's probable competence at actually achieving goals, you'll be revenged in no time.

What could possibly go wrong, right? Exactly. This is most assuredly 100% solved for real. It's too bad you couldn't stick around to watch the revenging go down, but you don't make the rules.

Hey! I guess you're about to find out who, if anyone, does?

THE END

Looks like that's it for this run! The Ghost King enlists Horatio to make sure Porkchop Weebottoms is successful at murders, and Horatio graciously agrees. The Ghost King then hangs around awkwardly for a bit and ceases to exist.

Our map is also updated!

Click here for the full 2681x3610 image

Our adventure will continue in the next post.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:14 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 2, 2015 21:58

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Porkchop Weebottoms uses a 1-up! He has 1 remaining!

Since that last option kicked us right to a game over, we're going to pull back and try the one other option at that screen. The Ghost King is going to stick around and see if his son wakes up at all.

quote:

After a few moments, you look up and see Hamlet's friend Horatio standing beside you. He's staring at you, a little too intently, and then he passes out too. Terrific.

Eventually the sun starts to come up and nobody can see you anymore. You stick around though, and soon Hamlet and Horatio wake up, rubbing their eyes in the early morning sunlight. "Whoah," says Hamlet. "Did you have the same CRAZY GHOST DREAM that I did?"

"I did! says Horatio. Oh my gosh, it was SO SPOOKY!" Oh no, you think. Hamlet and his friend are stupid dudes.

They go back and forth, excitedly discussing their "dream" with each other. You sigh and start to thinking.

Here's what you think: hey, I'm a ghost now. You think, hey, I can travel the world for free, I don't have to worry about being hungry. I can see what happens to Denmark in the future -- heck, I can see what happens to the WORLD in the future!

You think maybe life's too short for revenge. Maybe -- maybe even an immortal afterlife is too short for revenge?

You think this is a great opportunity to learn all you can about the world around you. And you think that if Earth ever gets boring, all you have to do is float up to the moon and see what's there.

Also, there are ghost beasts from Earth's prehistoric past all over the place, and there's something that looks like an enormous but friendly building-sized lizard munching on trees over that hill. It's kind of hard to be focused on revenge when

you're already dead

you could be taming dinosaurs and riding them across the universe.

So that's what you do!

Many years later, when you look back on it all, you have precisely this many regrets: UM, NONE??

THE END

Welp! After watching his son and his son's best friend act like idiots, the Ghost King just gives up and does that "Tamer of ghost dinosaurs" thing that was mentioned in a list of hypothetical afterlife career choices awhile back. Yep, that one came back to annoy us, just like the marine biologist job did.

The map is updated again!

Click here for the full 2681x3610 image

Our adventure continues once more in the next post.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 2, 2015 21:59

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

Porkchop Weebottoms uses his last 1-up! Next time he hits a Game Over it'll be back to Poor Yorick!

Since both of the options that came after staring intently at Ghost Dad and passing out were game overs, we're going to rewind all the way to before we did that. We already tried running away, and the map clearly marks that decision as a loop, so this time, Porkchop Weebottoms is going to calm the gently caress down and try just talking to the ghost.

quote:

He clearly wants you to follow him and leave Horatio behind. I dunno, is this safe? Can ghosts kill people? "Can ghosts kill people?" you ask Horatio.

"I DON'T KNOW MAN, BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE ALONE WITH THAT THING," he says, clearly leaving no ball untripped in his own freakout. "HAMLET, MAN, SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF DENMARK, I GOTTA SAY," he yells, his quivering finger pointing at the ghost. Well, duh.

"I'm gonna do it," you say, and you...

Is our hero going to follow the ghost and find out what its intentions are, or is he going to continue being a massive disappointment?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 2, 2015 22:01

lurksion: Mar 21, 2013

As much as its tempting to continue to have Porkchops be astoundingly incompetent, let's actually get the plot on the road and follow.

# ? May 2, 2015 22:34

Decoy Badger: May 16, 2009

Eh, follow. All these instadeaths are getting tedious.

# ? May 3, 2015 02:17

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

Follow that plot!

# ? May 3, 2015 02:32

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Run away

I want to die as Yorrick some more.

# ? May 3, 2015 07:46

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

SPECIAL MOTHER'S DAY UPDATE :siren:

Happy Mother's Day, everyone! On this day of honoring our mothers and mothers in general, I have found it fit to go into unseen areas of To Be or Not To Be, find a heartfelt scene involving a mother, and post it here. We haven't gotten far enough into the current storyline to see Gertrude getting terrorized by her son Porkchop Weebottoms yet, however, so I've gone digging for a different mother to feature.

It appears that there's a scene in Ophelia's story where she goes to visit Rosencrantz's mother, a very rarely-honored mother indeed! We're going to have a quick little glance at that scene and see just how Ophelia intends to pay her respects.

quote:

"Hello Mrs. Rosencrantz," you say politely as she answers her door. "Are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern home?" "Yeah, they're downstairs," she says.

As you walk down the stairs, you become aware of Mrs. Rosencrantz behind you, carrying a large knife.

"Why Mrs. Rosencrantz, you wouldn't be planning to kill me, would you?" you say.

She answers by trying to stab you in the back, but you dodge, use your own momentum against her, and send her flying down the stairs. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look up from the game they're playing to see her body hit the landing.

"That," you say as you descend and step over the mangled Mrs. Rosencrantz, "is going to keep happening."

Ten minutes later, after several trips carrying Rosencrantz and Guildenstern up the stairs and then pushing them down again, all that's left of them are two bruised and broken bodies, their lifeless eyes gazing back at you.

"Hey," you say, it's not polite... to STARE."

TWO IN A ROW!

Whoops! It looks like we accidentally walked in on some kind of bloody rampage. We're just going to get away from Ophelia as fast as we can, even if her Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff reference did make me smile. Maybe later we'll find out exactly what the hell is going on here. Bye, Ophelia!

We now return to our current storyline of To Be or Not To Be in the next post.

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 4, 2015 04:28

Pittsburgh Lambic: Feb 16, 2011

And so we're back to our current storyline. Hamlet's going to follow this ghost like it's a Yorick skull and he's trying to get through the book on a guaranteed-safe pathway.

quote:

"I'm tired of walking," you say. You sit down. "Pretty sure I'm done walking. Yeah. Yeah, I'm out."

The ghost stops and speaks to you for the first time, its voice issuing forth from lungs that no longer breathe air: "Hamlet. It is I, your father. Look, I can't stay around here forever so you need to listen to what I tell you. I didn't die of old age. I did some digging around and it turns out I was murdered... by Claudius!"

You gasp, shocked and enraged. Killed by his own brother! "He did it while I slept! I was walking in a garden, and you know how gardens are really boring, right?

You nod. "They're boring even for people who like them."

"Exactly!" says Ghost Dad. "Well, it was so boring I fell asleep, and while I was sleeping he poured poison in my ear."

"I didn't know poisons worked that way," you say.

"That's what I said!" shouts your dad, throwing his hands above his head in frustration. He starts to pace back and forth. "Anyway, I want you to take revenge on him for me. I dunno. Cuss him out or something. Pull out his chair when he's about to sit down. Offer him a high five but then when he goes to high five you, pull your hand away and say, 'Too slow.' Or should he offer you a high five, you must leave him hanging."

"I could murder him," you offer. "After all, he is sleeping with Mom."

Your dad stops pacing and stares at you. "He's WHAT?!"

That's certainly a discussion to have on Mother's Day. Is Hamlet going to try and backslide on this?

Pittsburgh Lambic fucked around with this message at 04:16 on Jun 5, 2015

# ? May 4, 2015 04:31

Keeshhound: Jan 14, 2010; Mad Duck Swagger

The internet gave Ryan North $580,905 to make this.

gently caress it, Tell him you're kidding.

# ? May 4, 2015 05:18

GenderSelectScreen: Mar 7, 2010; I DON'T KNOW EITHER DON'T ASK ME; College Slice

Oh god, I thought Mother's Day was actually today but it's not until the 10th. At least here in America I presume.

Tell him you're kidding.

# ? May 4, 2015 05:50

Thesaya: May 17, 2011; I am a Plant.

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

Oh god, I thought Mother's Day was actually today but it's not until the 10th. At least here in America I presume.

Tell him you're kidding.

It's the 31st here this year. Now I am curious as to which country's Mother's Day could possibly have been the one alluded to...

# ? May 4, 2015 06:06

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Per Wikipedia, Mother's Day 2015 is May 3rd in Hungary, Lithuania, Mozambique, Portugal and Spain.

# ? May 4, 2015 06:17

Cowboy Otis: Feb 23, 2015

I pick Lithuania ... I mean, tell him you're kidding.

# ? May 4, 2015 16:17

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# ? May 9, 2024 16:58

Glazius: Jul 22, 2007; Hail all those who are able,
any mouse can,
any mouse will,
but the Guard prevail.; Clapping Larry

It's not like he's got the chemicals that make you mad anymore. Let's tell the truth. What could go wrong?

# ? May 5, 2015 06:30

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Ryan North's To Be or Not To Be: The Adventures of Porkchop Weebottoms

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