quote:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You pour the poison into his ear. Like all sleeping people, your brother doesn't wake up when cold liquids are poured directly into his ear hole, so this whole thing goes surprisingly well!

Also, who knew that the ears really were the best way to introduce poison into the body? You and I did, obviously, so I guess any medical doctors in the audience who are about to say "excuse me but I studied human bods for six years at the university level" can straight-up go suck a lemon. YOUR BRO IS DEAD.

Congratulations!! Poisons really do work that quickly, and you have just ended a life. Perhaps you'd like to assume your brother's throne now as well?

Behind you, Hamlet whispers to himself, "MAN, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SUSPECTED, AND THIS HAS ALLOWED ME TO CONFIRM MY SUSPICIONS PERFECTLY!"

Nice one, Claudius. Hamlet now believes you murdered his father.

It seems you have two choices: you can throw the book down, yell that you hate it, and run out of the room. Or, since an innocent person would not actually react that way, you can just continue playing as if nothing's wrong, thereby NOT instantly confirming your guilt, and instead allow your choices to be read as simple chance.

quote:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You've killed your brother and married his widow and now you're king!
Congratulations: You have scored 400 out of a possible 1000 points.

Now you get to play as the dead king's son, and try to reveal your own murder!!

You look up from the book. "Sweet, this book is a lot of fun!" you say, "And I sure am completely innocent... as to what might happen next!"

Behind you, Hamlet whispers to himself. "MAN, WAIT MAYBE HE DIDN'T DO THE MURDERS," you hear.

You return to the book:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

You are Gonzago II, or as you prefer to be called DRAGONMASTER 3001: son of the king and nephew of the DRAGONMASTER 3000!

You have all the powers of your uncle, the 3000th member of the DRAGONMASTER clan. Also you look a lot like your uncle too, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, you're a prince!

Things have been rough lately. You've been trying to focus on your studies at Teen High where you and your bros The Whiz, Standard Softtop, and Heatshrink Buttsplice all hang out, but you've been called home because your father died.

Then your dead dad's brother, DRAGONMASTER 3000, married your mother two weeks later. Classy.

You think your father's recent death was MURDER, and you suspect it was his brother who did it.

Should you investigate his murder?

Or should you go kill skeletons, as he would've wanted -- to do himself, that is, if he were still alive?

Cowboy Otis posted:

I also think we should investigate. and I hope that involves writing an Adventure-is-Chosen-by-You book within our current book.

quote:

...but you're still looking for something to reveal itself so that you might spring into action and begin your investigation. In the meantime you're acting weird and making a general nuisance of yourself. There's a cool picture too! It looks like this:

The Murder of Gonzago posted:

Holy cow! This book is like a mirror image of what's actually been happening lately! It's got both your and Hamlet's character's down perfectly, just with different names, and also with dragon-mastery powers that don't actually ever seem to come up.

In fact, there are so many similarities between the book and real life, you bet that if you went back a bit, squinted your eyes, and did all the correct name substitutions as you read, you could continue reading the book as if it actually WAS a choose-your-own-adventure book written about Hamlet!

So that's what you decide to do!

quote:

The Murder of Gonzago? posted:

Things have been rough lately. You had been trying to focus on your studies at Wittenberg University where you and your bros Horatio, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern all hang out, but you were called home because your father died.

Then your dead dad’s brother (Claudius!) married your mom (Gertrude!) two weeks later. Yep.

It’s made you kind of upset. You raced home to comfort her but she’s married your uncle and that is weird. You feel weird.

Right now you’re in the audience chamber of your father’s castle, here in sunny Denmark. King Claudius is here, addressing his court. Laertes and Polonius are here too; Laertes is kind of a jerk and Polonius is his father.

Polonius is also the father of Ophelia, whom you’re totally sweet on. She’s not here though. Who knows what adventures she’s having as we speak, while you’re stuck in this drafty castle room listening to other people talk about their feelings??

Speaking of speaking, just now Laertes says something about how now that Claudius is king and he’s attended the coronation, is it okay for him to go back to France? Claudius says, “Sure.”

Wait a minute. You’d love to leave too and go back to school, away from this weird incesty thing your mother’s gotten herself into! It’s so gross and weird!

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

Option 7: Read the book in chronological order (ie page 1, 2, 3, etc.)

quote:

Instead of following those instructions, you just kept reading what came next like this is an ordinary book! THIS BOOK IS CRAZY INSANE; HOW ARE YOU EVEN ACTING LIKE THIS IS AN ORDINARY BOOK??

You die without even having chosen your character...



...and your final score is "maybe learn to read books better sometime" out of 1000.

Infoblurb posted:

Brandon Bird is the artist behind the Law & Order colouring book and valentines, the Nicolas Cage colourform adventure set, and that one painting floating around the internet of Christopher Walken building a robot in his garage. Accolades include a Webby Award (2005, in the category "Weird") and a hug from Eric Roberts.

http://www.brandonbird.com/

quote:

quote:

You're persistent, I'll give you that. ESPECIALLY as this isn't even technically a book. You shouldn't be able to turn to the next page in the first place!

Points for trying, I guess.



How about... 74 Effort Points out of a possible 1000?

Unfortunately, your Comprehension Points just took a HUGE nosedive.



You've got like, negative 53,000 of those now. I don't know how you're even reading this.

Infoblurb posted:

Scott Bartlett is a freelance artist based in Melbourne, Australia. He designed the UI for this version of To Be or Not To Be, and also did this super secret image which was not in the original gamebook!

Well done on finding it! You were either really clever or really stubborn.

http://cronobreaker.deviantart.com/

Let's just both go back to the start and pretend this never happened, okay?

quote:

Your plan is to wait until Claudius is drunk, which won't be long because he drinks every night, and then lure him to the water's edge and hold his head under until he dies.

It seems like a pretty good way to drown a dude. "It'll look like death by misadventure!" you say.

RATHER than doing that, Hamlet's plan is to pretend to be insane, and then the best part is that YOU'LL pretend to be insane too and then you'll fake your own drowning, which will allow Hamlet to act even crazier, and then he can drown the king when Claudius is not expecting it because who suspects a crazy person to act violently and irrationally, nobody, that's who, because after all the only thing crazy people ever do is speak in riddles and tight, tight rhymes.

"Your plan seems needlessly circuitous and dumb," you say. "And I'm not keen to fake my own drowning. No, I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that we..."

quote:

Soon, Claudius walks in the door! "I'll have some booze," he says, "in celebration of my new wife and kinghood." Claudius then gets SUPER WASTED SUPER QUICKLY, which is really convenient for you.

"Okay, now's our chance," Hamlet whispers to you. "Announce loudly that we're going home to make out, so nobody suspects us. Then we can wait for him on the path back ot the castle."

"Why are you publicly reminding me of the plan we've already discussed?" you hiss. But it was at least convenient because it brought us all up to speed on your plan for avoiding accountability for the murder you're about to facilitate!

You do as Hamlet asks, and you both leave. You walk for a few minutes down the path to a dark spot, not too far from the water, and wait. There are no forks in the road up to this point, so you know you'll catch him. Hamlet wants to make out a bit while you wait, but you point out how it's chilly down by the water and damp too and how this doesn't really get your makeout organs pumping, so he gives up on that little fantasy.

Eventually, Claudius shows up!

quote:

"Hey Claudius, it's me, Hamlet! You wanna go down to the river? Maybe see if there's any frogs?"

"I like frogs," Claudius says drunkenly, "as you can get poison from them and use it to kill people who are in the way of your professional and romantic ambitions."

"Holy smokes!" Hamlet whispers to you.

You bring Claudius down to the river's edge. You and Hamlet bend down on your knees and say things like "Wow, look at that!" and "That frog is CRAZY looking!" and "Whoah, is this one's neck normal?"

...and before you know it Claudius is pushing you aside, slurring, "I wanna see." Then, completely of his own accord, he trips and falls into the water.

You calmly hold his head down, but then Hamlet stays your hand. "I want to say something to him."

You pull Claudius's head up by the hair.

"We're killing you, Claudius, because you killed my father and turned him into a ghost. Prepare to die."

"Ghosts?! Those exist?" Claudius gurgles, shocked. You push his head back under water.

"Wait, I've got something else I want to say," Hamlet says.

You pull Claudius up again.

"When you turn into a ghost, tell my dad I said hi, and also, make amends with him, okay?"

Claudius coughs and struggles weakly. He whispers something that you can't hear, so Hamlet moves closer to him.

Claudius repeats himself, and Hamlet angrily grabs him by the hair and shoves his head underwater, holding it there until he stops struggling. When it's over, you ask Hamlet what he said.

Hamlet looks at you. "He said..."

"Yes?" you say.

"He said, 'If ghosts exist, I'm going to become one. And hell herself won't be able to stop me,'" Hamlet says.

You stare at him for a long moment. "We'd better get back to the drinking hall to establish our alibis," you finally say.

You do that, loudly saying things like "Wow, those were good makeouts! Now I'm back for more drinking!" and eventually go to bed. Claudius is discovered drowned and nobody suspects you.

That night, no ghosts visit you.

No ghosts visit you the next night either.

Days and days go by without any ghostly apparitions and you're just about feeling like whatever insanity you may have been witness to over the past several days is finally over.

You and Hamlet go to bed, finally relaxing, just a little.

That night, Hamlet is murdered in his sleep by Osric. Surprise!

quote:

You and Hamlet were sleeping together (Literally: you were literally sleeping together.) (That still sounds weird: look, I mean to say you were both asleep and literally not having sex) when Osric, Claudius's favorite courtier, snuck in and slit Hamlet's throat. You only survived because his gurgling woke you up in time to see Osric's blade creeping towards you.

You threw yourself our of bed and grabbed the bedside table, knocking Osric over the head with it. He was out cold, but it was too late for your boyfriend. Hamlet's dead.

And you are cheesed.

Right now, Osric is bound to a chair, with a gag in his mouth. You want him to answer a few questions. You undo the gag and he spits at you.

In return, you break his nose.

"Who sent you?" you demand.

"Claudius," he says. "He's a ghost now. Says he wants revenge. Says you two killed him. Says he's not going to rest until you're dead."

It looks like your worst-case scenario came true, Ophelia.

"What's to stop me from killing you?" you demand.

"Nothing. Claudius said it'd probably end up this way. Didn't think I'd be able to kill either of you. Guess he was only half right," Osric says, and then laughs.

"Then why would you do it?" you ask, incredulous. "Why would you try to kill me, knowing you'd fail and that I'd kill you in return?"

"Because if you kill me now I've got some unfinished business, and that means I get to be a ghost," Osric says. "Claudius says being a ghost is great. Says when I meet him in ghostland he's going to set me up real nice."

He coughs up some blood and then meets your gaze, unblinking. "Can't wait," he says.

quote:

"Thanks," says Osric, "but no thanks. Would rather be a ghost, if it's all the same to you."

"I'm not going to kill you!" you shout at him.

"Fine. Then I'll kill you. Or at least, I'll keep trying, over and over and over again. I'm not gonna stop, sweetie, until you're dead. The only way to stop me is to kill me."

He looks like he means it.

If you untie Osric now, he'll probably attack you. If you leave him tied up, he'll get loose eventually and then attack you. Either way, you're going to be attacked by him in the near future, and he is going to try to kill you.

On the other hand, he's tied up right now, which gives you a distinct advantage in the "who is killing whom" department.

Cowboy Otis posted:

Well, since ghosts can't attack us directly, killing people is still progress of a sort. Let them send who they will!

quote:

"Okay. You killed the man I love," you say, "AND you did it in the bed I love, and now they're both ruined and covered in blood and for that I am going to kill you."

"Go nuts," he says.

You do. Osric laughs the whole time. Just before he dies, Osric holds up one hand to get you to stop. "Wait, wait a second," he says. "I have to ask you a question."

You point your sword at his neck. "Better not take too long," you say. "I'm not sure how much blood you have left in there."

Osric looks at the sword, then up at you. He's smiling.

"What makes you think," he says, grinning through a mouth full of blood and broken teeth, "that I was the only one Claudius talked to?"

"What?" you say.

"He talked to everyone. He promised them everything. They all--"

Osric slams his head down on your sword, cutting his face.

"--want you--"

Osric slams his head down again, cutting deeper.

"--dead."

Then Osric slams his head down on your sword, cleaving his skull in two. Oh my gosh. I can't believe he did that. That's disgusting. What the heck, dude?

You look around the room. Hamlet's dead. Osric's dead. And everyone you know has been given a really good reason to want you murdered. This is going to be a challenging day, Ophelia, and you're only three hours into it.

You go to a window and look out into the night. You can't bring Hamlet back, and if he IS a ghost, then you'll meet him eventually.

But not now. Right now you've got plenty to live for, and lots you want to do before you die. By way of an example, one of the things you want to do is kill everyone in town before they kill you first.

You pick up your sword, wipe it clean on Osric's body, and re-sheath it in its scabbard. "Looks like it's time to KILL EVERYONE IN HAMLET and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum," you whisper to yourself.

What you meant was "Looks like it's time to kill everyone in THIS hamlet," referring, of course, to the small town that the castle is in, but it's early and nobody heard you anyway, so no harm no foul, right?

Okay, Ophelia. Let's do this. Let's have a living person take personal revenge in this story for once.

Let's, as you say, kill everyone in Hamlet.

quote:

You also decide to have a little conversation with each of the people you murderize, because that sounds like a lot of fun.

First up are the gravediggers. You catch them at night, digging a grave. Surprise!

"Whose grave is this?" you ask.

"Why, it's my grave," the first gravedigger responds. "Because I'm the one digging it, see? Tee hee! I use that line all the time and it never gets old! Hah hoo hee."

You raise an eyebrow. "Who is the grave actually for, though?"

"Oh, it's for Ophelia. Ghost of the king says if I try to kill her and fail, then I'll get to be a ghost, and being a ghost is great. Do you know her, this Ophelia?"

"Yeah, pretty well," you answer. "She thinks she'd be pretty good at burying someone alive, but I bet you could do a better job."

"Oh, well, probably not actually!" he replies. "There's not that much to it. You just need to knock someone out so they don't struggle, then bury them, then say a good one-liner as you walk away, like 'Oh look, someone's walking on your grave.'"

"Got it," you say, knocking him and his friend over the head with the flat edge of your sword, sending them into unconsciousness. You bury them together in their fresh grave, filling it up with dirt, patting the last of the dirt down with their shovel.

"Nobody likes being buried alive!" you shout over your shoulder as you walk away. You stop in your tracks and turn around.

"But don't worry! In a few minutes, you'll just be buried!"

NICE.