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My wife wakes up one morning, after a night of hard drinking. She notices I'm not in bed. She looks around the room to find me standing, facing in the corner, with my head dowb. Like the end of Blair Witch. Utterly creeped out, She goes over to me to find out if I'm okay, at which time she discovers two things: 1. I am still asleep 2. I am urinating She screams "stop peeing on the floor." This wakes me up, at which point I procede to deftly argue with her that I am not peeing on the foor, while I am still peeing on the floor Another time, I woke up drunk and stepped in cat poo. I guess relieving ones self on the bedroom floor is a popular pasttime in the drunk nerds household. I was so upset that I angrily tried to call the police until my wife took my phone away. My wife isn't immune to shame, either. One time, she gets up in the middle of the night, opens the bottom drawer of her dresser, squats down on it, and starts relieving herself because she thought it was the toilet.  Drunk Nerds fucked around with this message at 04:34 on Jan 17, 2016 |
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Jan 17, 2016 04:31
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Nation posted:quote this if you slammed some whale when you were wayyyy too drunk How's your mom doing these days anyway?
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Jan 17, 2016 04:32
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In a previous iteration of this thread a goon said one time he confused his razor for his toothbrush.
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Jan 17, 2016 04:34
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I met some creepy dude who said he had a cask of some wine or liquor or some poo poo. Bar scene was boring af so I decided what the h. Ended up taking me into this cellar thing, getting me hammered, and then brick and mortared me into a section of the cellar. It was awkward af.
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Jan 17, 2016 04:36
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Hector Beerlioz posted:In a previous iteration of this thread a goon said one time he confused his razor for his toothbrush. "afeitarme mis dientes"
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Jan 17, 2016 04:37
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:I met some creepy dude who said he had a cask of some wine or liquor or some poo poo. Bar scene was boring af so I decided what the h. Ended up taking me into this cellar thing, getting me hammered, and then brick and mortared me into a section of the cellar. It was awkward af. Should have called the Poe Poe on him
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Jan 17, 2016 04:37
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:I met some creepy dude who said he had a cask of some wine or liquor or some poo poo. Bar scene was boring af so I decided what the h. Ended up taking me into this cellar thing, getting me hammered, and then brick and mortared me into a section of the cellar. It was awkward af. drat
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Jan 17, 2016 04:40
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i become really eloquent and charming when i'm drunk, so i don't have any embarrassing drunk stories.
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Jan 17, 2016 04:45
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i got shitfaced at some party of a friend of a friend and when the beer started running out I went around with a hat I found saying MONEY FOR BEER and people gave me like $140 thinking I was going to get more beer but instead I went home and in the morning there was a car out front exactly like mine with the keys in it still so i drove it back to where the party was and my car wasn't there so I left the strange car and walked home all sad then when I got home went around the back and saw my loving car where I left it, later the cops came to next door and after they left I asked the guy wassup and he says some oval office stole his brothers car which was just like mine, poo poo luck I says and went inside to ponder if God really exists.
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Jan 17, 2016 06:35
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Fat Jesus posted:i got shitfaced at some party of a friend of a friend and when the beer started running out I went around with a hat I found saying MONEY FOR BEER and people gave me like $140 thinking I was going to get more beer but instead I went home and in the morning there was a car out front exactly like mine with the keys in it still so i drove it back to where the party was and my car wasn't there so I left the strange car and walked home all sad then when I got home went around the back and saw my loving car where I left it, later the cops came to next door and after they left I asked the guy wassup and he says some oval office stole his brothers car which was just like mine, poo poo luck I says and went inside to ponder if God really exists. lmao
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Jan 17, 2016 06:38
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Nation posted:quote this if you slammed some whale when you were wayyyy too drunk Nation posted:quote this if you were said whale 
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Jan 17, 2016 07:14
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Called my boss while he was at work and screamed that I was drunk and laughed at him Threw up in a litterbox
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Jan 17, 2016 07:45
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Got wasted at a bar with my friend and blacked out. Came to walking across some railroad tracks on the way to my house and was barefoot. She says I was still wearing my shoes when I left so I don't know what the gently caress happened to them. Rode my bike off the loading dock of the brewery I was working at two different times. There was a ramp and I'd get on my bike at the top and ride down but end up just falling off the side before I got started. Drank too much gin on christmas eve and fell down and smashed my face on the pavement. Showed up christmas day with road rash on my face and told my parents I'd been skateboarding. Did a power hour at a house show when I was in Boston and had only eaten brocolli and cottage cheese that day. Passed out in the van and when they opened the door the next morning they thought I had poo poo myself but I just had massive brocolli and genessee farts.
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Jan 17, 2016 08:51
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Nodded off while standing up in a pub and got kicked out by the door staff. Ended up in another pub where I was also asked to leave for being too shitfaced. Decided I'd better go home at that point and magically woke up in my bed the next morning. I'd been drunk in London but I actually live in another town 40 miles away so that was some pretty good homing instinct I had that night. There was no puke or poo poo involved, sorry.
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Jan 17, 2016 09:22
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threw a party at my place, woke up handcuffed to my gay best friend on the floor of my living room, both of us almost naked, wrapped in my window curtain. had to drunkenly beg another friend for the keys to get us out of it and get carried to my bed, and no one will tell us exactly what happened. the last thing i remember is playing strip cards against humanity and several people yelling at me to take my pants off went drinking with my coworkers for the first time, they kept buying me really strong vodka collinses, i danced like a retard all over an engaged coworker i barely knew, yelled at a friend of a coworker id just met like an hour beforehand that i loved her, then woke up in the backseat of my car still shitfaced at like 7am, but i didn't realize i was still drunk until about halfway home
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Jan 17, 2016 09:38
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bit o' wisdom i picked up: if you have to beg someone to unhandcuff you, they aren't really your friend.
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Jan 17, 2016 09:47
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went to an irish pub nearby my place during our towns irish-fest and this older dude starts hitting on me and buying me drinks, not getting the subtle "im not interested" poo poo I keep throwing his way. so after like 4 drinks and two shots, i just tell him im a hooker, and a pricey one at that, so he better be able to throw some money down if he wants to keep spending time with me. the dickwad only offered $200 and i was so miffed/insulted that i just kept having him buy me drinks at several different places until I'm pretty sure i actually drank that money. i think i was loud enough in one martini bar to worry the girl behind the counter and i nearly stood up on a stool just to prove some silly point i don't even remember i miraculously stumbled my way home by myself, woke up late for work, still a bit buzzed, and my supervisor had to distract my manager (who wasn't supposed to be in that day) by the front door while i vomited profusely in the back room
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Jan 17, 2016 09:52
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LOVE LOVE SKELETON posted:bit o' wisdom i picked up: if you have to beg someone to unhandcuff you, they aren't really your friend. someone's never been to a fetish club
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Jan 17, 2016 09:53
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every thread I've ever made I count as an embarrassing drunk story
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Jan 17, 2016 09:58
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I gave a homeless guy 5 dollars once a couple years ago. He asked "got any more?" and I said "yeah but I'd have to go to an ATM", and we went to one and I gave him 80 more dollars. He asked me to do it again but I started to realize what was happening and got out of there. The same night, I was trying to walk home and two cop cars pulled up next to me and started grilling me about where I was going, what I was doing in this neighborhood, etc. Apparently I had been walking in the opposite direction of home into a not-so-nice part of town. The one cop kept suggesting I was there for coke and/or hookers because that's the only reason a white guy would be out here at 4am. They did the good cop/bad cop thing where the one in front of me was being nice and understanding while the one who stayed behind me so I couldn't see him was rattling off the punishment for all the crimes he thought I was going to commit. Eventually they caught on that I was just drunk and lost and switched into "don't ruin your life with alcohol son" lecture mode, and after about half an hour total of this they called me a cab, which fortunately took credit cards because I was all out of cash. e: also once I loaded up my online poker account with 1000 dollars and lost it all in under an hour (this had to be told to me by my roommate who was watching and egging me on because I had/have absolutely no memory of it) yeah I eat ass fucked around with this message at 10:16 on Jan 17, 2016 |
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Jan 17, 2016 10:13
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Gaunab posted:My story is I tried to actually pick up a girl and she was having none of that. Very embarrassing. I found the girl tonight. Apparently she had a great rear end and I ate some of her fries and a chicken wing. I got her a beer to be fair though. I'm slightly mad she was all on my friend's jock. Tonight some taiwanese guy propositioned me for gay sex. I didn't accept. Also the cops were in the parking lot so me and my friends walked 1.4 miles to another friend's house. Gaunab fucked around with this message at 12:11 on Jan 17, 2016 |
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Jan 17, 2016 12:09
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one time I got drunk and I got banned from the something awful forums for posting a bad word never drinking again
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Jan 17, 2016 12:09
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MAI WIFE!
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Jan 17, 2016 12:12
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I was coming home from work and the roads hadn't been plowed yet, got almost driven into a guardrail by an rear end in a top hat next to me so I got off the highway. Cue me driving through the mission district, people get shot here every day. Some black people flipped me off and I went down a one way street the wrong way, had to back up, and then they started shouting more things at me. Black people are scary and live in scary places.
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Jan 17, 2016 12:19
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in the first year of uni one of my flatmates broke his toe playing cricket so he couldnt go out. hed still predrink with us though and one time the medical student had exams or something so he was in his room sober with his girlfriend then the guy who broke his toe walked in said hi to them and started pissing on the medics bed then lay down to sleep in it same guy would go out with the cricket team every week and come home a bit mopey, my favourite quote was "it's like I'm a duplo man in a lego brick world" hes fun though, he just gets very drunk
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Jan 17, 2016 12:27
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when im drunk i just shAme mysekf and people find it funny. havent eaten anything out of a traschcan tonnight
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Jan 17, 2016 13:15
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i got hit by a car once
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Jan 17, 2016 15:15
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Fell into my bathtub on the way to take a piss and dislocated my middle finger. Popped that poo poo right back into place, finished my piss and got another beer. Woke up in an incredible amount of pain and a year later its still swolen. Drinking rules.
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Jan 17, 2016 15:17
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got deported from mexico a few years ago, that was pretty funny. fought barnacles this time around and lost and made an awesome poo poo post. basically every single post of mine is pretty much an embarrassing drunk story. [edit] floor chicken Jesus Christ fucked around with this message at 15:31 on Jan 17, 2016 |
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Jan 17, 2016 15:26
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I walked into a glass door in front of a bunch of people I'd only met that night. In my defence the glass was really clean.
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Jan 17, 2016 17:53
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I threw up in a Melting Pot restaurant, but not at GWARbar where I assume such things are encouraged.
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Jan 17, 2016 20:49
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Glaucus atlanticus posted:I threw up in a Melting Pot restaurant, but not at GWARbar where I assume such things are encouraged.
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Jan 17, 2016 20:52
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i once pushed my friends car into the platte river
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Jan 17, 2016 21:24
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One time I had to bike pretty far to get home after a party. Route is something like 15 km straight and then to the right for 5 km. After 5 km I get bored and convinced that going left is a shortcut. It is not and after 30 km I'm getting really tired, so I park my bike in the middle of nowhere and lie down to sleep in an electric fence. It's a bit uncomfortable at first, but I make do. After I finally fall asleep, the owner of the farm where the electric fence is comes out and tells me I shouldn't sleep there. After he's gone, I break into his barn and spend the night there. Another time we had some drinks at university. After a while we decide it's time to run naked thru the computer labs. Because why not. After doing that and crashing a party in our birthday suits, we return only to find that somebody has stolen my pants. I shrug it off and keep drinking. When I have to walk home, a good 1 km walk thru the morning traffic, my pants are still not to be found, so I just walk home bottom-less not understanding why people find that weird. Once I was going for drinks and since the ares was full of students and other drunk people, I decide to park my bike in a safe place so it won't get stolen. Drinks were had at multiple bars and at some point I decide it's time to head home. Of course my bike isn't where I left it. I try and backtrack the different bars I've been to but it is nowhere to be found. I have to walk home annoyed that I so stupidly lost my bike. The day after I realize that I parked it at the first bar and didn't bring it along -because why would I - go back and there it is.
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Jan 17, 2016 21:45
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i once stole a statue and everyone was looking for it so we wrapped it in a sheet and left it in a ditch. i "tipped" the cops off and the rest is herstory
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Jan 17, 2016 21:55
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I don't have any embarrassing stories because the drunker I get, the calmer I am. One night I blacked out and apparently I worked out, folded the laundry, cleaned the house, fixed the loose doorknob, fixed a light that wasn't working, and put in an order for flowers to give to my wife.
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Jan 17, 2016 22:00
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I got drunk and banged OP's mom. Made my face red in more ways than one, as it were. e: Real post, I was in India on a study abroad program in college, got super loving drunk on Diwali after 2 hours straight of dancing to techno at my friend's apartment, then fell rear end-first into a squatter toilet and needed help pulling myself back out before getting the spins and puking. Liquor is really cheap in India!
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Jan 17, 2016 23:16
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I got real drunk on newyearseve and made a reddit account.
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Jan 17, 2016 23:22
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Scroto Baggins posted:I got real drunk on newyearseve and made a reddit account. traitor
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Jan 17, 2016 23:35
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one time i was playing foosball and i got sucked out of a plate glass window by a ghost
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Jan 17, 2016 23:37
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