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Crit for vintagepurple's Tracey and the Vintage Vegetable: This isn’t funny or amusing, but there’s a strong enough command of the prose here that saves the piece from being an embarrassment. (Though Kevin the ape-clerk really pushes the line.) The core problem here is that this story goes for whimsy without conflict, and a deadpan, aw-shucks protagonist observing weird poo poo just isn’t that engaging. I get the appeal of surrealism, but it’s not used effectively for dramatic or comedic ends here. No conflict means there’s no real sense of urgency here (there’s no good narrative reason for Tracey to order and evaluate her latte) and no organic escalation, since the story just throws wackier and wackier things at us before it just ends. Kevin (or another, better character) needs to offer Tracey some sort of resistance in getting the plant. That kind of resistance is fodder for jokes and fodder for a more interesting structure, which this story really needs.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 02:48 |
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# ? Jun 13, 2024 06:11 |
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Crit of Tracey and the Vintage Vegetable by vintagepurple Again I have a linecrit of sorts for you, which gives examples of what I mean below. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ECpNKKmpK-Yipy4ctaIxnInfqveh1Q-Pgo4tYO2BxIs/edit My problem with this is that there’s no story here. It keeps feeling like there’s a story on the verge of breaking out, but then it just kind of plods along into another slightly odd, completely unrelated situation. I think that it suffers from an opening section that serves no purpose. I think a great idea here would be to scrap everything outside of Voidmart, and replace it with one line that establishes Tracey’s motivation. Then work the golden bean stuff into the rest of the story cos I liked that. A story isn’t just a series of events - they need to mean something in relation to each other. This greater meaning is totally absent. The prose, apart from in the clunky first paragraph, is quite good. It was easy to read and flowed just fine. Not much of it wowed me, but it didn;t get in the way - and that is not a bad place to be. For your next Voidmart story I’d recommend looking up some of those madlib style story plot generators, and use one of them to make a really simple story arc, then write to that.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 03:23 |
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Voidmart Crits for BeefSupreme and llamaguccii BeefSupreme, "Chasing the Dragon" I dig your version of Voidmart. The departments and the park and the sale on choirs of angels strike a vein of golden absurdity. The entry is a setting showcase, however, and not much of a story. Fred is a camera without a personality, his life outside the store a thing hinted at in the vaguest way. His quest only stops where it does because of the 1,300-word limit. Nothing changes, nothing is resolved, and reading the piece is like looking at a landscape, but without the usual room to imagine yourself there. Work on the nuts and bolts of your prose! In the third paragraph, I believe your use of the past tense in "The first, Perfect Recordings, was a single aisle" etc. is incorrect because you're describing something in the past of a past-tense story. That means you want the past perfect: "The first, Perfect Recordings, had been a single aisle" etc. "He’d then tried Holy Music, which confused Fred" is itself confusing phrasing; you could have avoided that by putting Fred's name first, like so: "Fred had then tried Holy Music, which had confused him" etc. Eyelids might peel themselves open in Voidmart, but I don't have the impression you meant to suggest autonomous body parts, so Fred should have peeled them. Commas go inside quotation marks in American English. If one sentence is properly capitalized on a yellow sticky note, the other probably should be too. You get the idea. ********************** llamaguccii, "The Plunge" You've written a story in which everything worth seeing takes place out of view, a major character's name changes spellings, and the mysteries introduced at the start--what is Ixa? What's her relationship to the protagonist? Where are they going?--are revealed in a clumsy rush when they're revealed at all. It reads like you ran out of time. The length of the conversation with HR in the middle third is borderline criminal given the ending, but I'd have no issue with it if you'd shown Connor's first contact with Ixa/Iza and done something with that drain instead of hitting fast forward. It's decent! Your ideas are decent! I could have enjoyed this a lot, maybe! But not like this. Not like this. Another sign that the clock may have beaten you: poor proofing, of which Ixa/Iza is the most obvious example. You spell positive wrong; you use threw in place of through. The scene breaks contain an inconsistent number of asterisks. I think you would have caught all that with another pass. I'm not as sure about the phrase "intertwined [...] into" (improper usage: you intertwine with), the lack of a hyphen in dirt-streaked (it's a compound modifier), or the mispunctuated dialogue here and there. Your prose isn't so rough as to be crippling aside from the Ixa/Iza calamity, but more polish rarely hurts. Kaishai fucked around with this message at 04:32 on Oct 25, 2016 |
# ? Oct 25, 2016 03:30 |
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Beefsupreme’s Chasing The Dragon This was head and shoulders above your last submission. I’d love to chat with you a bit on IRC, but for now, here are some notes: Something I’ve been corrected on many many times, that I’ve finally started listening to is to not mention the name of the protagonist so much. Usually once a paragraph is sufficient and then you can go on with he or she. It’s more noticeable with an unusual name so it wasn’t really bad in this case, but it’ll still make your story a lot smoother. Overall, your story worked. I wanted more in places and wanted less in others. The prompt being focused on the crazy nature of Voidmart, I think it’s OK that you spent a large percentage of your words on Voidmart itself, but as this conflict is largely internal, I think some more time spent on Fred’s process and less time spent on the actual journey would have helped you. I like how he got so close. What if he got close more than once? I’m not going to claim to know how junkies work but I think perpetual SO CLOSE moments is a thing. Maybe? Anyway, this was a good step in the right direction.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 03:38 |
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The Saddest Rhino posted:Ascent In the spirit of fresh eyes, here’s a critique for Ascent by The Saddest Rhino. Good stuff: Solid opening. Eyes communicate intrigue, so opening with a line about seeing gets me in the mindset of wanting to be shown (not told) the story through the narrator’s eyes. I love the use of the second person. It works really well here, adds to the mystery of the piece. It also forces the reader to become intimately attached to the narrator’s perspective. The dialogue of the greeter is strong and definitely propels the story forward by offering pertinent information about the operations of Voidmart. “You don’t touch each other to conserve energy” – great line. I can totally buy the struggle of the ascent even though it’s completely impractical. It is told in a way that is acceptable to the characters, so as the reader I accept it also. All the descriptions of Lakshmi are great. The descriptions of the still birth and wife dying are chill worthy. The last line feels accurate, not cliché in this piece. Not so good stuff: “You have scaled across deserts.” “Scaled” in reference to “deserts” bugged me. “It warms your face with indifference.” This sounds cool, but I don’t think it adds anything. Are you implying they actually have suns up there? And if so, then why is it getting colder (snowing) the closer you get to them? Does indifference really warm your face? Is the character or the light really indifferent to each other? “She let it fall into and in between the fingers of Smith.” I guess I could see it fall both onto (but not into) and in between the guy’s fingers, but I’m not sure what the significance is. I feel like there has to be some sort of significance, but it’s lost on me. Also, it has a sexual vibe to me. These points are definitely nit-picky, but this is a really strong piece (like usual) and my favorite out of those I’ve read thus far for the week. I felt like the story had good pacing and the reveal of the stakes at hand came across as a surprise (although looking back it makes perfect sense). What else would the characters go to such great lengths to restore if not love?
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 03:40 |
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newtestleper posted:Crit of The Doppol by Jay W. Fricks Thanks buddy.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 06:14 |
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flerp posted:interprompt Deliver Us From the Interim Word Count: 150 Like all good trinities, one divinity co-existed devoid of responsibility. These divinities, for lack of better name, shall be referred to henceforth as: The Judges Three. For further clarity, we bow before the Judge of Sitting, The Judge of Twisting and The Judge of… Non-existence. Now, Non-existence is not a nice name to give someone of judicial stature, but can one be blamed for the making of such distinctions in the absence of defining presence? We poor souls of undesirable fate, lament the fractions of weekly trinity. Please, we beg, Judge of Non-existence make thyself know. Join the favored wielders of anguish. Trample our pitiful frames with your mighty presence. Squash our creation into the foundation of despair. Appear! Almighty deliberant, be our deliverance from the interim. We lay ourselves before you, casual casualties. Claim us. Maim us. Just don’t leave us be, quivering in the darkened posts of indecision.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 07:01 |
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llamaguccii posted:In the spirit of fresh eyes, here’s a critique for Ascent by The Saddest Rhino. Thanks dude!
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 07:49 |
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i'll do three crits, newbies preferred. pipe up if you want one.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 11:34 |
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Kaishai posted:Voidmart Crits for BeefSupreme and llamaguccii Thanks for the crit!
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 11:41 |
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sebmojo posted:i'll do three crits, newbies preferred. pipe up if you want one. I'd very much appreciate some critique.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 11:57 |
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sebmojo posted:i'll do three crits, newbies preferred. pipe up if you want one. I'll take a crit, thanks!
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 12:16 |
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sebmojo posted:i'll do three crits, newbies preferred. pipe up if you want one. WITNESS ME...please.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 12:22 |
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Fuubi posted:Prompt: Voidmart Customer - Voracious devourer of entertainment
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 12:39 |
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I'm up for doing 3 more crits as well. If you haven't gotten one yet, feel free to ask. Same as seb, newer folks preferred. My favorite title of the 3 who ask for crits will get a line-by-line.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 14:22 |
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I'll take a crit. My title is bad tho
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 15:31 |
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I would love a critique. I'll try to give a couple when I get a chance.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 15:44 |
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Moxie posted:I'll take a crit. My title is bad tho Nah, it's fine. You were the first to submit so get ready for a whole lotta crittin.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:06 |
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the very slow and bad judge once upon a time there was a judge that was slow and thus bad. she sat on the thing judges sit on and then hit the gavel on the podium or whatever its called and said to all the word criminals "but your all good people i cant condemn any of u because u all tried so hard!!!" so the criminals sat in that court room forever, listening to the terrible judge listen to the Beach Boys and talking about how in her latest dream she pet a cat. the end
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:47 |
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Crit: the Beach Boys suck, but Pacific Ocean Blue is pretty good, so you're on the right track!
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 16:56 |
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Voidmart Crit for ThirdEmperor's Distractions My guess is that this story had some very high ambitions that it mostly failed. What it looks like you were trying to do was to have a surface story of this shopping trip while telling the real story mostly in subtext. The problem is that the surface isn't interesting enough in its own right, so what we get is a story where the reader is far more interested in what you aren't showing or telling them than what's actually happening. First, there's a lot of time spent on the minutia of the Voidmart itself, and the problem is that it's not interesting enough, not weird enough, not funny enough to really carry the story. Second, the main surface story you're telling, of a guy (lawyer? accountant?) trying to buy wedding presents for a shady client and his filthy rich bride doesn't work. That story, the 'find a gift for the man who has everything', absolutely needs to end with the actual gift, something that actually fits the need and is well described. There is a version of that kind of story that does have an utterly baffling but somehow correct I-don't-know-what-this-is kind of gift, but that version (which is probably the C-plot of a sitcom episode) has to play out further and end with the reaction of the recipients. The business with the sirens is a bit confusing as well. If I had to guess, they're following him because he's a grown man who randomly starts running through the Voidmart for no reason, but that's not nearly well-established enough. (It also feels like you might be collaborating with another story, and if you'd been in the main collab group I'd absolutely have wanted to cross over a bit.) And the ending you do use is also a bit of a miss: misanthropic/self-loathing narrator meets and randomly asks helpful employee on a date is not an ending at all. Again, a version of this story that spent a lot less time describing bland Voidmart departments and instead used the words to extend the story through the actual wedding might have been a more successful take on these characters and situations.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 17:00 |
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Crit: the Beach Boys suck, but Pacific Ocean Blue is pretty good, so you're on the right track! thanks for the crit and yes the beach boys are very bad
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 17:11 |
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The Secret Edge – A Line By Line Adventure with Chili! I’m gonna bold my comments and I’ll strike out what seems like fat. Hi, my name is Jeff. I have all my fingers and toes. It's quite a feat! Right away, I’m worried. Not necessarily because this line is poor, but your establishing a very tough tone to pull off. This is a decent hook, and the pun is equally decent, but again, you’re writing quite a large check that I’m hoping you cash My boss lost an arm a few years back when a new employee improperly handled an item in the One-of-a-Kind Aisle. It is a rare anniversary when we celebrate the service of a coworker with 100% of each ear lobe. These two sentences are weird. You establish the stakes with people losing limbs and then you neuter it with ear lobes. "Jeff!" My supervisor's voice startled me "You got it Mr. Smith!" I said cheerfully. "Seeya later, Gaspar!" This makes no sense until the next sentence is read, but I went back and looked for what the gently caress was going on. "Who the... Don't name the merchandise and get to your station!" I smiled and nodded as I walked six aisles further away from Katanas. "Howdy, Magnus," I whispered. "What's up, Sinbad?" Naturally, Sinbad said nothing; blades can’t talk. I loved the weapons, but they weren't people. Just unique and beautiful pieces of merchandise. If he knows they’re not people and that they won’t respond, why is he talking to them? Admiring is one thing, but talking is zany and needs more motivation. I dodged into the Gladius and Dirk Aisle as a customer's handicapable cart rolled by at top speed. Julius sparkled as he reflected the light from her silver hair. "Good one Julius," I giggled. He was good for one of those a shift. No time for him now though. Your blocking is weak. You say he leaves but never that he arrives. You can accomplish more effective blocking by either adding or subtracting but only going halfway won’t help you much. I’m also not entirely sure of what Julius did. It seems like some prank that led to someone losing control of their cart, but it’s not very specific. A few more steps brought me to my destination. "Excuse me, can you point me to the saw blades?" Wonderful things, to be sure, but for whatever reason they are secreted in the Tools quadrant. Sorry, sir. "Hey guy! Jeff? Yeah where are your axes?" Blades do not chop in my opinion. They part matter like curtains and divide one into many as politely as possible. I kept my opinion to myself and offered a crooked finger pointed toward the Wood Accessories. "Hey Jeff," said a shy voice. Martha from lingerie stood just outside my department in one of Voidmart's main arteries. As always she was as clean as Sinbad and twice as curvy. Not a single edge on the poor girl, unfortunately.. Sooooo what is going on in these three paragraphs? It looks like it’s supposed to be a rapid fire montage of customer conversations but then we meet Marth and he’s describing her like a knife. I’m confused. "What's up?" As I turned around she took a step back, glancing nervously at the large knife I was sharpening. The pretty thing had looked like a king next to the smaller copies in its wooden block, "Uh, you want anything to eat? I'm headed over to Prepared Foods for some takeout." I held out the knife at an arm's length to inspect it. When I looked up she was another pace further away. "No thanks! My lunch isn't til 3." "It's past three." "Oh... I guess i'll have whatever you're having." "I'll get you something you'd like," she called over her shoulder. My attention had already turned to testing the knife with a few air slices. Though it probably feels natural to you, never assume that your reader can detect who is saying what. This is messy and you could have cleaned it up a bit. One little “she asked” in the beginning would have helped. "Jeff stop waving that goddamned butcher knife! Do you want to hurt someone!?" Mr. Smith, stressed out as usual. "I'm careful, sir." His eyes bulged. "None so far, sir. A few people wanted these blocks but they didn't want to get married." You’re not being consisten with how you layout your dialog. Sometimes you’re linebreaking, sometimes you’re not. I’m not sure if this is intentional but it’s not helping you "I don't care about that, you have to reach the monthly quota. Matrimony is breathing down my neck, and you're my ace for registries." "Yes sir." "One more thing. We have some new merchandise." We got new items nearly every day, and I always hoped for a new addition to the One-of-a-Kind Aisle. "This is the new Carvington Elite Collection Atomic Edition." "Um, well surely it needs to be sharpened-" "None of these knives need to be sharpened, Jeff. They're just display models." I paced around cutlery, neck hurting from keeping my gaze pointed directly at the atomic set. I could still see the brilliant afterimage of its secret. He had sliced my ocular nerve from three yards away! I hoped it was permanent. I jumped again as a tiny voice said my name from the artery. It was Martha. She presented me a sandwich of thinly sliced meats, which I accepted graciously. That would be for later. Who could think of food at a time like this? "Thanks Marth woops. Proofread your story, unless this is his nickname for her, but based on what I’ve seen so far and in what’s to come, it isn’t . When do you get off?" "Ah, I was off at three. I'm just going head over to Sleep... are you okay?" The secret of the atomic edge finally became clear. I knew Martha liked me as a man likes a blade; I could never put my finger on why until now, I stepped forward and dropped to one knee. "Martha. Will you marry me?" I looked her in the eye. The secret looked like a tear of joy gleaming down her cheek. Her mouth was agape, just like mine when Mr. Smith told me I couldn't touch the new Carvingtons. Mr. Smith ran up, huffing and puffing. "You're not on break, Jeff! What the hell is this?" "I asked Martha to marry me." "What?" He looked her over. "You're not holding a blade named Martha are you?" She looked at him wide eyed and shook her head. "You want to legally marry a human woman?" After clearing up the initial confusion and both Mr. Smith and Martha's supervisor speaking up on my behalf, she said yes! I rushed over to the wedding registry to add the Carvington Elite Collection Atomic Edition to our list. Martha herself insisted on adding twenty items of her choice. "Congratulations, Jeff," Mr. Smith said later. "You've reached your quota." "And I get the knives!" "Not a chance in hell." Why does he care? ____________________ OK: So I’m guessing at what happened here but it seems like the knives manipulated the dude into doing that so that he could buy them. Fine. I guess that’s an OK ending to your story. Break down what you’ve brought to the table though. Why in the world is she saying yes? Your character is a lunatic, and that’s OK but her agreeing to marry him fell out of the sky. I’m unsure of my emotional response to your story. Setting aside the pick-a-part I did, why should I care about any of this? I never felt myself rooting for your character, I never was given a good reason to care about him. You got a little more focused on talking about the knives themselves than the character. Just because it’s your prompt doesn’t mean it has to command all of your attention. Also, and this is entirely subjective. Why not have the knives talk back? Your story is happening in a bizarre superstore with tons of odd poo poo going on. Personally, I took this prompt as an opportunity to go nuts, and I had a lot of fun with it because I made that choice. You had an opportunity to go big and I think if you took it, you would have had more options. The good news is your writing has a sense of joy to it. It’s tough to put a nice little label on what the means, but I could tell you had fun with this piece, and that counts for a lot. I was worried at first because of the tone you were going for, but that didn't prove to be a problem. Get clearer, don’t add weakening modifiers, work on your blocking and the physical layout of your dialog and I think you’ll be able to put together something solid.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 17:32 |
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flerp posted:the very slow and bad judge Hey bud, it's good seeing you put effort into something even if it wasn't your story
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 18:04 |
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You can all thank flerp for any delays in judging, btw
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 18:19 |
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thanks flerp for saving us from terrible judging
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 18:49 |
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The longer it takes, the longer until I'm declared loser. I'm OK with it.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 19:10 |
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Sitting Here posted:You can all thank flerp for any delays in judging, btw flerp posted:interprompt anime was right posted:flerp (1 word)
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 20:09 |
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heres some crits so sh can stop being sad about nobody liking the beach boys bringmyfishback who i think is now Fleta Mcgurn quote:There are a lot of positives to working in the Costume Department yeah this is an awful way to start holy poo poo. like its hard to explain why but its like a combination of no concrete image w/ a well why do i care about how nice work in the costume department. it also has the issue with "wait why are you starting with how nice everything is thats not v interesting". For one, you don't have to wear the normal employee uniform of t-shirt and shackles hahaha wacky shackles!!; you can sport one of the costumes on display. You have to pay for it yourself, but I've been working here so long that I own one of every costume that's ever hit the discount bin. WHY THE gently caress DID YOU WRITE A SETUP TO AN INTERESTING STORY AND THEN loving END IT WHERE IT GOT INTERESTING. I WANT TO SEE THEM FIGHT DEMONS I WANT TO SEE INTERESTING THINGS WHY DO YOU HATE ME WHAT DID I DO TO YOU??? so my advice for you is to 1) get to the conflict as soon as loving possible and 2) don't make your character just saying "ok yeah sure" without any conflict or resistance or anything because that is boring as gently caress Sarkimedes holy poo poo... a conflict in the first couple paragraphs??? character motivations??? personalities??? i think i just loving died ok so just formatting wise uhhh please double space between every line break its just really really annoying to read the way you formatted it. like i know manuscript form doesnt do that but when posting on a forum its just better. yeah this is cute i like the conflict so far but it feels a little flat. like, you say they hadn't sold anything in for two years but i wouldve liked to see that, and also wouldve liked to see them actually change the signs to point away from their section instead of just being told that they did that (also, me as a reader already assumed that the people changed the sign when he said that all the signs pointed the wrong direction so maybe you dont even need to tell the reader that they did that) this is probably a bit too dialogue heavy. it's not terrible dialogue but its not especially engaging. it gets the point across but doesn't like *pop* or draw me super in. its not bad so i guess thats a good thing??? yeah thats' definitely the problem here -- everything's told to us through dialogue. every action someone takes is given to us in retrospect and we just see the reactions that people have to actions instead of seeing the actions themselves. makes me feel cold and distant. ok this is like a p decent story that i dont like want to fling myself off a bridge so good work i guess. but like, with there being like no real action (things happen, but they happen off screen and people just tell us that stuff happened), its not super engaging. you got a real nice start though, since the conflict is kinda silly but also treated with enough respect that it was enjoyable without taking the piss out of itself. i just wanted a little something more, it has a narrative arc, but not an emotional arc. why do bern and larry care so much for the order in their section? what does it mean to them? i know it's important to them but like... why? also i dont think larry is really needed since he's just kinda there, and then that would give you some space to flesh out bern or possibly sam's character more. Blastinus i dont recognize your name and all the new newbies have gotten crits now so im giving u one too quote:Of all the possible positions at Voidmart, Shipping and Receiving had been nearer to the bottom on Geoff Thurman’s list. Not even the returns desk would have been above him. At least then he’d be able to talk to someone. But this department…well, he had a tablet computer, and all it did was chirp out work orders. ok i dont hate this first paragraph but maybe my standards have just lowered but like it sets up a relatively ok conflict (i dont like this place). its not like a good first paragraph since its p weak and not all that interesting but hey it works for now this wasnt godawful either so congrats i guess! but still some pretty annoying issues. first of all -- get to the point. too much time was spent on the buildup, get to the conflict which was trying to move the dinosaur around to the other section. get that going as soon as possible, putting in a few details that we need for the setting and then there u go its more interesting already! but like this is kinda one of those stories that like is just kinda there to be like a fun little tale that i dont take it seriously, but it lacks that bit to make me really invested. i mean geoff doesnt have like a super big personality cause hes just basically doing his job. also that ending was lame cause i was like... what happens now??? he just dropped a crate holding a trex! like, that's sure to cause a whole bunch of problem. hell, that seems like a bigger problem then what geoff had in the beginning of just trying to move the dinosaur. maybe that needs to be done in a longer story but like as it stands it just kinda ends with yep oh welllllllllllllll. Beige alright, conflict established quickly if a little vaguely not a bad ol' start if i do say so myself. that fourth paragraph really confused me w/ its pronouns i dont like that quote:She appeared to give a small surveillance dronelet a slight nod before leading Alexandra along the broad aisle, leaving the plethora of electronic creatures in their wake. did she appear to? or did she just actually do it? why is a woman rapping what/???? quote:From the distance came the sounds of a commotion. A crash of metal and breaking glass followed by desperate screaming. cut "the sounds of a commotion," and make it just "From the distance came the sound of the crash of metal..." and find a way to make the sentence work w/o the sound of im 2 lazy to figure it out myself hmmm i dont rly like how this story has shifted. it seemed to have started with Alexandra wanting a friend and Harmony like manipulating her into just accepting whatever, but now its all about Harmony dealing w/ some weird monster. also im gonna predict that Alexandra and Harmony become friends. i really have no idea whats going on theres like a reality field wtf is a reality field did this become like a really lovely horror game? your shifting perspectives again -- it started with Alexandra then Harmony and now Alexandra -- please keep it consistent wtf happened to this story i was all for a happy go lucky story about finding a friend and now its all like super angsty and melodramatic i dont get it i dont understand im so lost and confused i have no loving clue what this story was supposed to be about and i really cannot comprehend my reality at this moment i need to lay down for a little and try to stop myself from screaming thanks maybe dont make ur nice little story about a little girl trying to make a friend turn into one where people have existential terror in some hellverse because theyre a witch ok cool thanks.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 20:32 |
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Crit: the Beach Boys suck, but Pacific Ocean Blue is pretty good, so you're on the right track! flerp posted:thanks for the crit and yes the beach boys are very bad Outrageously bad music opinions from these chumps.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 20:38 |
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Thanks for the crit there, Flerp. And yeah, I agree. The story could have used a clearer focus and a stronger ending.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 20:52 |
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*patiently waiting for crit*
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 21:28 |
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contagonist posted:*patiently waiting for crit* I'll crit yours tonight (even if someone else does it before then).
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 21:48 |
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*patiently waiting to lose*
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 22:06 |
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contagonist posted:*patiently waiting for crit* Instead of waiting, go crit something.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 22:08 |
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contagonist posted:*patiently waiting for crit* Nice writers never get the crits. They always go to the jock writers with rippling finger muscles who treat crits like poo poo. I don't want you anyway, I can tell you'd be the kind of crit that would open its advice for any jerk. I bid you good day, m'crit
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 22:47 |
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Voidmart crit for contagionist's Aisle Nullquote:Darla and Miles are just watching him do the thing. This line sums up most of what is wrong with this story. You've got five 'main' characters, plus a nonhuman antagonist, and that's a whole lot for a story of this length, and you really don't have anything to do with Darla and Miles, who just start out as unconvincing teenagers, and then do nothing so conspicuously that you feel the need to put a line of them doing nothing just to remind the reader that they haven't fallen into a wormhole. Also, Dusty never introuduces himself, which makes dropping the name a problem in a third person limited viewpoint. (And if you were willing to give him a name even without an introduction, why in the world wouldn't you give your un-named future multigendered person a name and save yourself from having to overdo the awkward pronouns to the point of unintentional comedy.) (I sort of wish Jim had answered their last line with "What? No, I just wanted to know what your name is.") There's really not that much going on here, as far as an actual plot is concerned. Jim pretty much just follows instructions and it works out for him. (He has one fairly clever idea, although if the bug isn't an actual insect and is some future bug-shaped mammal descended from humans it probably only worked by chance). But there's not much opposition, not any hard decision to make, and no change or declined opportunity for change, so no story, just way too many characters going around doing things. Or not doing things and just watching them happen.
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# ? Oct 25, 2016 23:03 |
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flerp posted:heres some crits so sh can stop being sad about nobody liking the beach boys Actually, because I didn't realize 1300 words was the limit, I thought it was the minimum and then after writing like 2500 words went "fuckkkkk." other than that, very helpful crit, thanks. Made me laugh and feel bad about myself at the same time, which captures the SA essence well. ETA: Might as well ask here- Is it always a HARD word limit, or can we go over by a couple hundred words? Just for future reference. Fleta Mcgurn fucked around with this message at 02:17 on Oct 26, 2016 |
# ? Oct 26, 2016 02:02 |
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Actually, because I didn't realize 1300 words was the limit, I thought it was the minimum and then after writing like 2500 words went "fuckkkkk." The word limit is the number of words you should not exceed. If you go over the word limit, the judge is free to disqualify you. A couple hundred words is pretty significant when you're dealing with flash fiction length stories.
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# ? Oct 26, 2016 02:38 |
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# ? Jun 13, 2024 06:11 |
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Djeser posted:The word limit is the number of words you should not exceed. If you go over the word limit, the judge is free to disqualify you. A couple hundred words is pretty significant when you're dealing with flash fiction length stories. Gotcha, thank you.
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# ? Oct 26, 2016 02:42 |