PYF Jokes: really worked up about potatoes

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SiKboy: Oct 28, 2007; Oh no!😱

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:15

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# ? May 22, 2024 04:11

NonzeroCircle: Apr 12, 2010; El Camino

How many straight-edge vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Straight-edge vegans can't change anything

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:20

Aggro: Apr 24, 2003; STRONG as an OX and TWICE as SMART

NonzeroCircle posted:

How many straight-edge vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Straight-edge vegans can't change anything

How have so many people learned inoffensive unfunny versions of jokes?

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:24

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
DOYOUHAVEAMINUTETOTALKABOUTOURLORDANDSAVIORJESUSCHRIST

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:35

NonzeroCircle: Apr 12, 2010; El Camino

Aggro posted:

How have so many people learned inoffensive unfunny versions of jokes?

None, inoffensive unfunny versions of jokes can't change anything?

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:49

Dave Syndrome: Jan 11, 2007; Look, Bernard. Bernard, look. Look. Bernard. Bernard. Look. Bernard. Bernard. Bernard! Bernard. Bernard. Look, Bernard! Bernard. Bernard! Bernard! Look! Bernard! Bernard. Bernard! Bernard, look! Look! Look, Bernard! Bernard! Bernard, look! Look! Bern

Roro posted:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
DOYOUHAVEAMINUTETOTALKABOUTOURLORDANDSAVIORJESUSCHRIST

DOYOUHAVEAMINUTETOTALKABOUTOURLORDANDSAVIORJESUSCHRIST who?

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:50

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

Dave Syndrome posted:

DOYOUHAVEAMINUTETOTALKABOUTOURLORDANDSAVIORJESUSCHRIST who?

I... I've never gotten this far before.

# ? Aug 30, 2017 23:59

Dave Syndrome: Jan 11, 2007; Look, Bernard. Bernard, look. Look. Bernard. Bernard. Look. Bernard. Bernard. Bernard! Bernard. Bernard. Look, Bernard! Bernard. Bernard! Bernard! Look! Bernard! Bernard. Bernard! Bernard, look! Look! Look, Bernard! Bernard! Bernard, look! Look! Bern

Roro posted:

I... I've never gotten this far before.

# ? Aug 31, 2017 00:09

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Roro posted:

I... I've never gotten this far before.

Lmao

# ? Aug 31, 2017 02:24

Dross: Sep 26, 2006; Every night he puts his hot dogs in the trees so the pigeons can't get them.

In my mind knock knock jokes will never again not end with "what do I say next"

# ? Aug 31, 2017 03:19

funktopus: Jan 11, 2009

Dave Syndrome posted:

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

What do you call a butcher shop run by Snoop Dogg's friend?

Meats by Dre

# ? Aug 31, 2017 04:12

dee eight: Dec 18, 2002; The Spirit
of Maynard

EmmyOk posted:

This reminds me of when the mad christian girl who did a semester in uni with me posts obscure psalm jokes on facebook

When the apostles went to heaven, what kind of car did they drive?

Honda. It says in the bible they all went in one accord

# ? Aug 31, 2017 07:23

Mr. Bad Guy: Jun 28, 2006

Knock knock

Who's there?

Some interrupting Smash Mouth.

Some-

BODY ONCE TOLD ME

# ? Aug 31, 2017 08:21

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

Mr. Bad Guy posted:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Some interrupting Smash Mouth.

Some-

BODY ONCE TOLD ME

What is Smash Mouth's favourite bible verse?

Psalm: body once told me.

# ? Aug 31, 2017 09:28

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Knock knock
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh-

# ? Aug 31, 2017 09:38

WarpedNaba: Feb 8, 2012; Being social makes me swell!

Jedit posted:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh-

I'm not entirely sure how the rest of it goes, I'm afraid. Fancy a curry?

# ? Aug 31, 2017 09:49

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

WarpedNaba posted:

I'm not entirely sure how the rest of it goes, I'm afraid. Fancy a curry?

Failed to use all capital letters, ten demerits.

# ? Aug 31, 2017 11:18

Zopotantor: Feb 24, 2013; ...und ist er drin dann lassen wir ihn niemals wieder raus...

Jedit posted:

Failed to use all capital letters, ten demerits.

Pterry's last joke, probably.

# ? Aug 31, 2017 21:01

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

Zopotantor posted:

Pterry's last joke, probably.

drat

I'd have liked to see what he was working on. Nice that they respected his last wishes though.

# ? Aug 31, 2017 21:58

SubponticatePoster: Aug 9, 2004; Every day takes figurin' out all over again how to fuckin' live.; Slippery Tilde

Al Cu Ad Solte posted:

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms �You have finally freed me after all these years, so I�ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.� The first guy immediately blurts out �I want a billion dollars.� POOF, he�s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000

The second man thinks for a bit, then says �I want to be the richest man alive.� POOF, he�s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says �I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.� POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it�s time for their second wish. First guy says: �I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.� POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says �I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.� POOF, his looks change and the first guy�s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says �I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.� POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says �I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.� POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don�t bother him any more.

Second guy says �I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.� POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says �My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.� POOF, he�s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: �I�ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I�ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.� Second guy smiles and says �Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I�m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven�t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.�

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

�Guys, I think I hosed up.�

I read this 2 days ago and I'm still randomly bursting into laughter about it, you rear end in a top hat.

# ? Aug 31, 2017 23:11

dee eight: Dec 18, 2002; The Spirit
of Maynard

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty!

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:22

WarpedNaba: Feb 8, 2012; Being social makes me swell!

I always remembered that as

How did the Irish butcher introduce his daughter?

"Meet Paddy".

# ? Sep 1, 2017 07:34

dee eight: Dec 18, 2002; The Spirit
of Maynard

WarpedNaba posted:

I always remembered that as

How did the Irish butcher introduce his daughter?

"Meet Paddy".

I wouldn't dare make any kind of gender assumption there.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 08:01

funktopus: Jan 11, 2009

What do you call green onions cooked by the Wu Tang Clan?

Rapscallions

# ? Sep 1, 2017 09:11

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

Why are there so many jokes about mountain ranges?

Because they are hill areas.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 11:19

Enfys: Feb 17, 2013; The ocean is calling and I must go

BrigadierSensible posted:

Why are there so many jokes about mountain ranges?

Because they are hill areas.

That's peak humour alright.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 14:26

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

BrigadierSensible posted:

Why are there so many jokes about mountain ranges?

Because they are hill areas.

Yoink

# ? Sep 1, 2017 15:24

Zemyla: Aug 6, 2008; I'll take her off your hands. Pleasure doing business with you!

BrigadierSensible posted:

Why are there so many jokes about mountain ranges?

Because they are hill areas.

Best joke on this page by a landslide.

# ? Sep 1, 2017 15:43

Choco1980: Feb 22, 2013; I fell in love with a Video Nasty

BrigadierSensible posted:

Why are there so many jokes about mountain ranges?

Because they are hill areas.

I told my mom this today in text. She got mad at me. :haw:

# ? Sep 1, 2017 20:21

Terrible Robot: Jul 2, 2010; FRIED CHICKEN; Slippery Tilde

Outrail posted:

drat

I'd have liked to see what he was working on. Nice that they respected his last wishes though.

I was going to make the same post. I'm sad we'll never get to read anything more from Discworld, but I'm also happy that his final wishes weren't ignored.

Also, a coworker told me the flailing arms/flapping head joke a couple months ago and it's still loving hilarious.

# ? Sep 2, 2017 04:18

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't even know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads in his eye for a couple of months. Then, suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

tl;dr: If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

# ? Sep 2, 2017 04:27