Let's Read the Sword of Truth books! (Or not. Can we not?)

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read the Sword of Truth books! (Or not. Can we not?)

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claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

Dr.Magnificent posted:

I've always found the Darken Rahl scene with the kid interesting because I couldn't tell if he was just lying to the kid or being honest about his feelings. I forget has it been revealed that Zedd maimed him as a child ?

It's kind of implied he's just being manipulative, but on the other hand, he's still spending I think it's somewhere in the vicinity of a week with this kid befriending him and talking him up and giving him the good life? Also no, that revelation hasn't come up as of where we currently are.

# ? Nov 6, 2014 21:36

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# ? Jun 4, 2024 15:50

Raygereio: Nov 12, 2012

DARKSEID DICK PICS posted:

It's kind of implied he's just being manipulative, but on the other hand, he's still spending I think it's somewhere in the vicinity of a week with this kid befriending him and talking him up and giving him the good life?

Darken Rahl & the kid talk: It's been 15'ish years since I read these books, but isn't Rahl going to sacrifice that kid for a ritual and the kid had to love Rahl for it to work?

# ? Nov 6, 2014 22:08

SavageMessiah: Jan 28, 2009; Emotionally drained and spookified; Toilet Rascal

Raygereio posted:

Darken Rahl & the kid talk: It's been 15'ish years since I read these books, but isn't Rahl going to sacrifice that kid for a ritual and the kid had to love Rahl for it to work?

Yep.

# ? Nov 6, 2014 22:11

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

Yes. Please do not spoil the ritual because it's... yes.

# ? Nov 6, 2014 22:12

Munkeymon: Aug 14, 2003; Motherfucker's got an
armor-piercing crowbar! Rigoddamndicu𝜆ous.

TheSmilingJackal posted:

his heroes are ~~wonderful paragons of virtue~~ also complete assholes.

There's something to be said for a, err, good antihero, but I doubt this guy is self-aware enough to make Dick Hider into one, right?

# ? Nov 6, 2014 22:53

Robotic Folksinger: Jun 27, 2008; I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna be a folksinger

Munkeymon posted:

There's something to be said for a, err, good antihero, but I doubt this guy is self-aware enough to make Dick Hider into one, right?

Don't worry. I have faith that our pal, Terry "Democracy in action" Goodkind, is not going to let us down.

# ? Nov 6, 2014 23:13

Libluini: May 18, 2012; I gravitated towards the Greens, eventually even joining the party itself.

The Linke is a party I grudgingly accept exists, but I've learned enough about DDR-history I can't bring myself to trust a party that was once the SED, a party leading the corrupt state apparatus ...; Grimey Drawer

Let's just say Richard's true name being Rahl made a lot of sense to me. Hell, his evil is just less icky and more good intentions + stupid, but it's still evil.

# ? Nov 6, 2014 23:41

Kwyndig: Sep 23, 2006; Heeeeeey

Libluini posted:

I don't know, the Sword of Shannara books get pretty drat disturbing. Tolkien is a lot more light-hearted. Sword of Shannara is like the horror-version to Tolkien's fantasy.

Okay yeah that's what happens when I post before I've had my caffeine. I more specifically meant the first trilogy (Sword, Elfstones, Wishsong) and not the books he wrote later which get really crazy at points.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 00:04

Libluini: May 18, 2012; I gravitated towards the Greens, eventually even joining the party itself.

The Linke is a party I grudgingly accept exists, but I've learned enough about DDR-history I can't bring myself to trust a party that was once the SED, a party leading the corrupt state apparatus ...; Grimey Drawer

Kwyndig posted:

Okay yeah that's what happens when I post before I've had my caffeine. I more specifically meant the first trilogy (Sword, Elfstones, Wishsong) and not the books he wrote later which get really crazy at points.

You mean like how the Elves are actually postapocalyptic mutants? :v:

# ? Nov 7, 2014 00:20

neongrey: Feb 28, 2007; Plaguing your posts with incidental music.

Libluini posted:

You mean like how the Elves are actually postapocalyptic mutants?

Yeah you can kind of tell there's a point where even he's sick of ripping off Tolkien. :v:

# ? Nov 7, 2014 00:39

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

Yeah, as cookie-cutter as early Shanarra was, I'll stick up for the later works where he got real experimental with that poo poo plus the ones where he tied in the Word and Void novels that told the end of our world to demons.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 01:15

Dr.Magnificent: Dec 24, 2007; Comes with hands on care.; Fun Shoe

SavageMessiah posted:

Yep.

I had totally forgotten that. Whelp. There goes what little credit I gave Goodkind for those chapters.

TheSmilingJackal posted:

Darth Marx...

This made me laugh. Can we just refer to him as that?

# ? Nov 7, 2014 01:40

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

All I know about Shannara was the video game. The one that got sold with Death Gate and the Xanth game and some fourth game I can't remember at all.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 02:27

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

Note: Again, probably not the best one of these to read at work.

Hey, you know how we were focusing on Richard and Kahlan in a Hell hole, and Darken Rahl playing babysitter?

Yeah let's jump from those back to Zedd.

quote:

Zedd's eyes popped open. The aroma of spice soup was thick in the air. Without moving, he looked cautiously about. Chase lay next to him, there were bones hung on the walls, and it was dark outside the window. He looked down at his body. Bones were piled upon him. Without moving, he carefully caused them to rise slowly into the air, then he silently made them float aside, and finally to set down. Making no sound, he rose. He was in a house full of bones, bones of beasts. He turned around.

He was surprised to come face-to-face with a woman just as she also turned around.

In a fright, they both screamed and threw their skinny arms into the air.

"Who are you?" he asked, leaning forward, peering into her white eyes.

She snatched her crutch just before it toppled over and put it back under her arm. "I be Adie," she answered in a raspy voice. "You gave me a scare! You awoke sooner than I expected."

Zedd straightened his robes. "How many meals have I missed?" he demanded.

Scowling, Adie looked him up and down. "Too many, by the looks of it."

A grin creased Zedd's cheeks. He in turn eyed Adie from top to bottom. "You are a fine-looking woman," he announced. With a bow he took her hand and kissed it lightly, then stood up proud and straight, holding one bony finger skyward. "Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander, humbly at your whim, my dear lady." He leaned forward. "What's wrong with your leg?"

"Nothing. It be perfectly fine."

"No, no," he said with a frown, pointing. "Not that one, the other."

Adie looked down at the missing foot, then back up to Zedd. "It does not go all the way to the ground. What be the matter with your eyes?"

"Well, I hope you learned your lesson; you only have one foot left, you know." Zedd's frown melted back to a grin. "And the problem with my eyes," he said in his thin voice, "is that they have been famished, but now they are feasting."

Adie smiled a little smile. "Would you like a bowl of soup, wizard?"

"I thought you would never ask, sorceress."

So: Zedd still has game. Good to know.

The book gets really handwavey about time at this point? Unless I skipped over it (and I was looking), we really have no idea how much time has passed for Rahl, Richard, and Zedd in their respective timelines. The only mention is that Zedd wakes up on "the seventh day" after Richard and Kahlan went into the pass... but I kind of wonder if this wasn't added by an editor or something given that when Zedd wakes, he smells soup that Richard made. Which Adie confirms.

quote:

"It be dark outside."

"Dark," he agreed.

"Why not stay the night? Leave with the light."

Zedd's eyes snapped up, looking at her from under his eyebrows. "Stay the night?"

Adie shrugged as she stroked his hands. "It be lonely here sometimes."

"Well," Zedd's impish grin lit his face, "as you say, it is dark outside. And I guess it would make more sense to start out in the morning." A sudden frown broke out, wrinkling his brow. "This isn't one of your riddles, is it?"

She shook her head, and his grin came back.

"I have my wizard's rock along. Could I interest you?"

Adie's face softened in a shy smile. "I would like that very much." She watched him as she sat back, taking a bite of her apple.

Zedd arched an eyebrow. "Naked?"

No, really. Zedd has GAME. I think he gets laid more than anyone else in this series, from memory. Richard MIGHT win out later but only because of rapes.

I'm not looking that one up.

Soooooo speaking of things I've put off, let's meet The Mud People.

quote:

The path through the grasses came to two poles, one set to each side of the trail. They were wrapped in skins dyed with red stripes. Richard stopped by the poles, looking up at the skulls fixed atop them.

"This meant to warn us away?" he asked as he stroked one of the skins.

"No, they are the skulls of honored ancestors, meant to watch over their lands. Only the most respected are accorded such recognition."

"That doesn't sound threatening. Maybe they won't be so unhappy to see us after all."

Kahlan turned to him and lifted an eyebrow. "One of the ways you get to be revered by the Mud People is by killing outsiders." She looked back at the skulls. "But this is not meant as a threat to others. It is simply a tradition of honor among themselves."

Richard took a deep breath as he withdrew his hand from the pole. "Let's see if we can get them to help us, so they can go on revering their ancestors, and keeping outsiders away."

"Remember what I told you," she warned. "They may not want to help. You have to respect that if it is their decision. These are some of the people I am trying to save. I don't want you to hurt them."

"Kahlan, it's not my desire or intention to hurt them. Don't worry, they will help us. It's in their own interest."

"They may not see it that way," she pressed.

The Mud People are... uh... this is gonna get real racist. They're basically just primitive tribesmen and this poo poo goes on for a bit.

quote:

After crossing another stream and plunging back into the wet grass, eight men sprang up suddenly in front of them. Kahlan and Richard came to an abrupt halt. The men were wearing animal skins over most of their bodies. Sticky mud that didn't wash away in the rain was smeared over the rest of their skin and faces, and their hair smoothed down with it. Clumps of grass were tied to their arms and to the skins, and stuffed under headbands, making them invisible when they had been squatted down. They stood silently in front of the two of them. All wore grim expressions. Kahlan recognized several of the men; it was a hunting party of Mud People.

The eldest, a fit, wiry man she knew as Savidlin, approached her. The others waited, spears and bows relaxed but ready. Kahlan could feel Richard's presence close behind her. Without turning, she whispered for him to stay calm and do as she did. Savidlin stopped in front of her.

"Strength to Confessor Kahlan," he said.

"Strength to Savidlin and the Mud People," she answered in their language.

Savidlin slapped her across the face, hard. She slapped him back just as hard. Instantly Kahlan heard the ringing sound of Richard's sword being pulled free. She spun on her heels.

"No, Richard!" He had the sword up, ready to strike. "No!" She grabbed his wrists. "I told you to stay calm and do as I do."

His eyes flicked from Savidlin's to hers. They were filled with unleashed anger, the magic that was ready to kill. The muscles in his jaw flexed as he clenched his teeth. "And if they slit your throat, would you have me let them slit mine as well?"

"That is the way they greet people. It is meant to show respect for another's strength."

Just in case you didn't this was lovely enough, let's just get to the big one.

quote:

Savidlin backed away a little from her intense expression and gave a nod. His eyes narrowed. "And why are you here?"

"So that we might help each other. There is a man who would rule your people. The Seeker and I would have you rule yourselves. We came seeking your people's strength and wisdom to aid us in our fight."

"Father Rahl," Savidlin announced knowingly.

"You know of him?"

Savidlin nodded. "A man came. He called himself a missionary, said he wanted to teach us of the goodness of one called Father Rahl. He talked to our people for three days, until we became tired of him."

It was Kahlan's turn to stiffen, she glanced to the other men, who had started smiling at the mention of the missionary. She looked back to the elder's mud streaked face. "And what happened to him after the three days?"

"He was a good man." Savidlin smiled meaningfully.

So, two things:
a) I don't know if it's just the printing I have, or a common mistake, but yes, only some of their conversation is italicized in the book to denote the Mud People's tongue. I have no idea why it keeps switching back and forth.
b) Yes, they ate the missionary.

The crux of the Mud People Experience is that they're the only people Kahlan can think of who might be able to help them find the last Box of Orden, by calling their elder spirits from the underworld. (Please note that WE know this is a terrible plan because of Zedd's papa telling us so.) They will not do this for an outsider, so Richard has to become an honorary Mud Person by doing some great service for them.

Now. Keep in mind, thanks to the cloud following him, there's a constant rainstorm in his presence, and he is considered to have "brought the rains" to them. Something they needed, and something they had prophecied. This is not enough to become a Mud Person. Instead, I poo poo you not, he introduces leakless roofs to their thatched huts:

quote:

He looked away from her, back down at the dirt awhile, then once again up to the Bird Man. "Do your people like having roofs that leak?"

The Bird Man raised an eyebrow. "Would you like it if water dripped on your face when you were asleep?"

Smiling, Richard shook his head. "Then why don't you make roofs that don't leak?"

The Bird Man shrugged. "Because it cannot be done. We have no materials at hand to use. Clay bricks are too heavy and would fall down. Wood is too scarce; it must be carried long distances. Grass is all we have, and it leaks."

Richard took one of the pottery bowls and turned it upside down under one of the drips. "You have clay from which you make pottery."

"Our ovens are small, we could not make a pot that big, and besides, it would crack, then it too would leak. It cannot be done."

"It is a mistake to say something cannot be done simply because you don't know how to do it. I would not be here otherwise." He said this gently, without malice. "Your people are strong, and wise. I would be honored if the Bird Man would allow me to teach his people how to make roofs that do not leak, and also let the smoke out at the same time."

The Bird Man considered this without showing any emotion. "If you could do this, it would be a great benefit to my people, and they would give you many thanks. But I can make no promises beyond that.

Richard shrugged. "None asked for."

"The answer may still be no. You must accept that, if that is the answer, and bring no harm to my people."

"I will do my best for your people, and hope only that they judge me fairly."

"Then you are free to try, but I cannot see how you will make a roof of clay that will not crack and leak."

"I will make you a roof for your spirit house that will have a thousand cracks, but will not leak. Then I will teach you to make more for yourselves."

The Bird Man smiled and gave a nod.

But gently caress that. We're ending this on a happier note. Let's go back to Darken Rahl and Boy Carl.

quote:

"Are you sure about this, Carl?" he asked hoarsely. "Can I trust you with my life?"

"I swear my loyalty to you, Father Rahl. Forever."

Rahl's eyes closed as he drew a sharp breath. Sweat beaded on his face, stuck his robes to his skin. He could feel waves of heat rolling off the crucible. He added the heat of his magic to the vessel, to keep its contents boiling. Softly, he began chanting the sacred incantations in the ancient language. Charms and spells whispered their haunting sounds in the air. Rahl's back arched as he felt power surging through his body, taking him with hot promise. He shook as he chanted, offering up his words to the spirit of the boy.

His eyes opened partway, the visage of wanton passion burning in them. His breathing was ragged; his hands trembled slightly. He gazed down at the boy.

"Carl," he said in a husky whisper, "I love you."

"I love you, Father Rahl."

Rahl's eyes slid closed. "Put your mouth over the horn, my boy, and hold tight."

While Carl did as he was told, Rahl chanted the last charm, his heart pounding. The torches hissed and spit while they burned, the sound intertwining with that of the spell.

And then he poured the contents of the crucible into the horn.

Carl's eyes snapped wide, and he both inhaled and swallowed involuntarily when the molten lead hit him, searing into his body.

[...]

The Master went on to the next set of incantations, the sending of the boy's spirit to the underworld. He said the words, every word in the proper order, opening the way to the underworld, opening the void, opening the dark emptiness. His skin was smooth and taut over his well-proportioned muscles, except on his upper left thigh, across part of his hip and abdomen, and the left side of his erect sex. That was where the scar was; where the flames sent by the old wizard had tasted him: the flames of the wizard's fire that had consumed his father as he stood at his right hand; flames that had licked him also, giving him the pain of the wizard's fire.

It had been a fire unlike any other, burning, sticking, searing, alive with purpose, as he had screamed until he had lost his voice.

Darken Rahl licked his fingers, and reaching down ran them wetly over the bumpy scars. How he had so badly wanted to do that when he had been burned, how he had so badly wanted to do it to stop the terror of the unrelenting pain and burning.
But the healers wouldn't let him. They said he mustn't touch the burn, and so they bound him by his wrists, to keep him from reaching down. He had licked his fingers and instead rubbed them on his lips as he shook, to try to stop his crying, and on his eyes to try to wipe away the vision of having seen his father burned alive. For months he had cried and panted and begged to touch and soothe the burns, but they would not let him.

How he hated the wizard, how he wanted to kill him. How he wanted to push his hand into the wizard's living body while he looked into his eyes�and pull his heart out.

Darken Rahl took his fingers away from the scar and, picking up the knife, put the thoughts of that time out of his mind. He was a man now. He was the Master. He put his mind back to the matter at hand. He wove the proper spell, and then plunged the knife into the boy's chest.

[...]

Standing in front of the altar, he held up the bowl with the mixture while he cast the calling spells. He lowered the bowl when finished, and looked around at the Garden of Life. He always liked to look upon beautiful things before he went to the underworld.

With his fingers, he ate from the bowl. He hated the taste of meat, and never ate anything but plants. Now, though, there was no choice, the way was the way. If he wanted to go to the underworld, he had to eat the flesh. He ignored the taste, and ate it all, trying to think of it as vegetable paste.

This is actually foreshadowing and I was kind of amazed this showed up so early in the series, incidentally.

quote:

Licking his fingers clean, he set the bowl down and went to sit cross-legged on the grass in front of the white sand. His blond hair was matted in places with dried blood. He placed his hands palm up on his knees, closed his eyes, and took deep breaths, preparing himself for meeting the spirit of the boy.

At last ready, all preparation done, all charms spoken, all spells cast, the Master raised his head and opened his eyes. "Come to me, Carl," he whispered in the secret ancient language.

There was a moment of dead silence, and then a wailing roar. The ground shook.

From the center of the sand, the center of the enchantment, the boy's spirit rose, in the form of the Shinga, the underworld beast.

The Shinga came, transparent at first, like smoke rising from the ground, turning, as if unscrewing itself from the white sand, lured by the drawing. Its head reared as it struggled to pull itself through the drawing, snorting steam from its flared nostrils. Rahl calmly watched as the fearsome beast rose, becoming solid as it came, ripping the ground and pulling the sand up with it, its powerful hind legs pulling through at last as it reared with a wail. A hole opened, black as pitch. Sand around the edges fell away into the bottomless blackness. The Shinga floated above it. Piercing brown eyes looked down at Rahl.

"Thank you for coming, Carl."

The beast bent forward, nuzzling its muzzle against the Master's bare chest. Rahl came to his feet and stroked the Shinga's head as it bucked, calming its impatience to be off. When at last it quieted, Rahl climbed onto its back and held its neck tight.

With a flash of light, the Shinga, Darken Rahl astride its back, dissolved back into the black void, corkscrewing itself down as it went. The ground shuddered and the hole closed with a grating sound. The Garden of Life was left in the sudden silence of the night.

From the shadows of the trees, Demmin Nass stepped forward, forehead beaded with sweat. "Safe journey, my friend," he whispered, "safe journey."

DARKEN RAHL BEFRIENDED A CHILD TO GHOST-RIDE HIS SOUL INTO HELL.

This is the scene I remembered so clearly from this book and it NEVER stops being hilarious to me.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 04:42

MartianAgitator: Apr 30, 2003; Damn Earth! Damn her!

An orally-fixated vegan wizard? This dude is a Scott Pilgrim villain.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 05:01

Night10194: Feb 13, 2012; We'll start,
like many good things,
with a bear.

Well, I'm on board with Darth Marx, now. You've got to admire that kind of sheer dedication to mustache-twirlingly absurd villainy.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 07:42

DeusExMachinima: Sep 2, 2012; This poster loves police brutality, but only when its against minorities!

Put this loser on ignore immediately!

Ghost ride the whip, shawty knows I'm lookin' good.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 07:51

Ixjuvin: Aug 8, 2009; if smug was a motorcycle, it just jumped over a fucking canyon; Nap Ghost

I'd think D.Rahl becoming vegetarian would be another oblique consequence of him being burned by [MYSTERY WIZZARD]. Charred human flesh reportedly smells like any other cooking meat, after all.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 15:49

TheCenturion: May 3, 2013; HI I LIKE TO GIVE ADVICE ON RELATIONSHIPS

Not going to quote your whole Mud People post, but it's a perfect example of the fact that half the 'drama' in these books come from the characters purposefully withholding information from each other for the sake of drama.

'Ok, Richard, we're going to see the Mud People. You'll find their customs odd. They slap people, upon greeting, as a sign of respect, so don't be surprised.'

Was that so hard?

# ? Nov 7, 2014 15:55

Libluini: May 18, 2012; I gravitated towards the Greens, eventually even joining the party itself.

The Linke is a party I grudgingly accept exists, but I've learned enough about DDR-history I can't bring myself to trust a party that was once the SED, a party leading the corrupt state apparatus ...; Grimey Drawer

Ixjuvin posted:

I'd think D.Rahl becoming vegetarian would be another oblique consequence of him being burned by [MYSTERY WIZZARD]. Charred human flesh reportedly smells like any other cooking meat, after all.

Nope sorry, the real thing behind is, as always in Goodkind's books, a nice idea with not enough screentime. (I think in later books Goodkind starts forgetting about his own ideas, or is Richard "Zypher" meant to be getting dumber by the end?)

# ? Nov 7, 2014 16:50

Double Plus Undead: Dec 24, 2010

I thought it was just a reference to him being fantasy Hitler.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 17:58

Libluini: May 18, 2012; I gravitated towards the Greens, eventually even joining the party itself.

The Linke is a party I grudgingly accept exists, but I've learned enough about DDR-history I can't bring myself to trust a party that was once the SED, a party leading the corrupt state apparatus ...; Grimey Drawer

Double Plus Undead posted:

I thought it was just a reference to him being fantasy Hitler.

This would only work as a reference if Goodkind had a better sense of humour, I think.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 18:14

Pimpmust: Oct 1, 2008

One update back but this part was just too funny: eyes a painfully handsome shade of blue. :allears:

Oh, and the whole Wizards > Sorceress magic strength part is also ~~stolen~~taken from WoT, except apparently less subtle (more like ladders that start and end at different points) and with less ~balancing~ factors (the strength thing is only relevant as far as capturing other channelers alive are concerned, and not always the most important even then). It had a point in WoT, what with the two magical powers being both very different but also possibly reinforcing (because yin/yang, cooperation, power through friendship yadayada). Here it only seems to serve some casual misogyny?

As for this update: "brought the rains", guess which other main character does this to a bunch of spear/bow-wielding "tribals*"? Of course, they live in a desert so it makes a little more sense there (also possibly a reference to Dune... the movie?).
*Except not really racist as-gently caress like here.

I won't even touch the whole barely disguised sex-scene that the sacrifice was, man what the gently caress :stare:

# ? Nov 7, 2014 18:41

Genuine Fake: Oct 2, 2004

Okay, its been a REALLY long time since I read these books, but didn't the molten lead Darth Marx fed the kid taste like blueberry pie or something like that?

# ? Nov 7, 2014 20:13

TheSmilingJackal: Apr 30, 2007; Don't worry, it's a very heavy feather.

Holy_Zarquon posted:

Okay, its been a REALLY long time since I read these books, but didn't the molten lead Darth Marx fed the kid taste like blueberry pie or something like that?

No, he just also fed the kid blueberry pie through the same stupid funnel thing.

Speaking of horrible things to eat and poor memor-, Darkseid, unless I'm remembering it wrong, it seems like you skipped the :barf:

ingredients of the meat paste. I'm not going to dig out the drat book to see if what I recall is right, so I can't say I blame you.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 21:21

SavageMessiah: Jan 28, 2009; Emotionally drained and spookified; Toilet Rascal

TheSmilingJackal posted:

No, he just also fed the kid blueberry pie through the same stupid funnel thing.

Speaking of horrible things to eat and poor memor-, Darkseid, unless I'm remembering it wrong, it seems like you skipped the ingredients of the meat paste. I'm not going to dig out the drat book to see if what I recall is right, so I can't say I blame you.

Actually he fed him gruel, and made him think it was blueberry pie, presumably through the same nonsensical trickery that Zedd used on the farmers.

Why do I remember this poo poo so well!?

# ? Nov 7, 2014 22:02

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

TheSmilingJackal posted:

Speaking of horrible things to eat and poor memor-, Darkseid, unless I'm remembering it wrong, it seems like you skipped the ingredients of the meat paste. I'm not going to dig out the drat book to see if what I recall is right, so I can't say I blame you.

You're right! I cut a paragraph too soon on one part. The "meat paste" was made from the boy's heart, brain, and testes.

The gruel was when he first met Carl. He was feeding the boy gruel that was magicked up to taste like blueberry pie (his favorite food).

# ? Nov 7, 2014 23:32

PleasingFungus: Oct 10, 2012; idiot asshole bitch who should fuck off

DARKSEID DICK PICS posted:

You're right! I cut a paragraph too soon on one part. The "meat paste" was made from the boy's heart, brain, and testes.

The gruel was when he first met Carl. He was feeding the boy gruel that was magicked up to taste like blueberry pie (his favorite food).

why not just mash up blueberry pie

# ? Nov 7, 2014 23:52

Glukeose: Jun 6, 2014

PleasingFungus posted:

why not just mash up blueberry pie

Because that's not evil enough.

# ? Nov 7, 2014 23:54

Strong Mouse: Jun 11, 2012; You disrespect us. You drag corpses around. You steal, and you hurt feelings!

RRRRRRRAAAAARGH!

Prepare to die!

PleasingFungus posted:

why not just mash up blueberry pie

He already had the tasteless mash, so why not just change the flavor to whatever the kid wants

# ? Nov 8, 2014 00:06

Caros: May 14, 2008

PleasingFungus posted:

why not just mash up blueberry pie

Because it proves the child loves him. If the child wasn't happy with him he'd be angry, and if he was angry... something something truth!

# ? Nov 8, 2014 00:28

chiefnewo: May 21, 2007

PleasingFungus posted:

why not just mash up blueberry pie

Why go to the effort of making blueberry pie for some kid you're just going to kill? Easier to magic some of the guards' slop. Also bonus evil points.

chiefnewo fucked around with this message at 00:34 on Nov 8, 2014

# ? Nov 8, 2014 00:31

TheSmilingJackal: Apr 30, 2007; Don't worry, it's a very heavy feather.

No no, the bonus points come from also magicing the led to taste like blueberry pie. I don't think that's what happened, but it's funny as hell, so I'm going to say he did.

# ? Nov 8, 2014 02:56

claw game handjob: Mar 27, 2007; pinch pinch scrape pinch
ow ow fuck it's caught
i'm bleeding
JESUS TURN IT OFF
WHY ARE YOU STILL SMILING

Note: This post is just tasteless. Sorry. It's prooooobably safe for work, though.

Sometimes I ponder just posting an update that's nothing but one unbroken quotation from the book so you can see just how miserable the padding is. Chapter 25 is over 50% discussion of one man teaching an entire tribe who he cannot communicate with how to make clay roofing tiles, and how some of the other men absolutely loving hate him for showing them up with his fancy foreign science. It's bad, but not a hilarious bad. It's like lead in the pit of a little boy's stomach.

Another chunk is a detailed flashback of Kahlan remembering her "sister" confessor, Dennee, and the day that she was brutally raped and tormented by a quad. I'm not quoting this at all because hoo boy.

But eventually we get to blah blah those shadow warriors from the beginning of the book that horns destroyed get summoned because Plot Device and Richard has to save the Mud People. There is... sometimes this book has a slight sense of humor, and I like to think that's what the TV adaptation focused on when they were filming? Because I want to say this line was used verbatim in one episode:

quote:

The Bird Man lifted an eyebrow to her, and gave a nod, indicating Richard. "Your warning that I should not want to give the Seeker cause to draw his sword in anger was as true as an arrow from my finest archer." There was a twinkle in his sharp brown eyes; the corners of his mouth curled in a smile. He looked down at the Seeker. "You made a good showing of yourself too, Richard With The Temper. Fortunately the evil spirits still have not learned to carry swords."

"What'd he say?" Richard asked.

She told him, and he gave a grim smile at their private joke as he came to his feet and put away the sword. "May we never encounter spirits armed with swords."

The problem is, this whole thing veers wildly between really uncomfortable overtones and assumptions about the Mud People (as seen in the last post), and Goodkind oversharing his own quirks with us in what comes out of every character's mouth.

quote:

"Nissel, what are the leaves for?"

Nissel turned from studying Kahlan's shirt, which she thought very curious. "It will make you relax, so you will not feel what I do. Keep chewing. Do not worry, child. You will be so relaxed, you will not care when I stitch."

Kahlan immediately spit out the leaves. The old woman looked at them on the floor, lifting an eyebrow to Kahlan.

"Nissel, I am a Confessor. If I am relaxed in a manner like that, I might not be able to hold back the power. When you touch me, I could release it without wanting to."

Nissel frowned with curiosity. "But you sleep, child. You relax then."

"That is different. I have slept from birth, before my power grew in me. If I were to be too relaxed or distracted in a way I do not know, as with your leaves, I could touch you without intending it."

Nissel gave a crooked nod. Then her eyebrows came up. She leaned closer. "Then how do you�"

Kahlan gave a blank expression that said nothing and everything.

A look of sudden understanding came over Nissel's face. The healer straightened up. "Oh. I see now."

THIS WAS UNNECESSARY.

Especially since it's Richard who has to gently caress someone to be initiated. No, really.

quote:

Four young women, all with shy smiles and short hair slicked down with mud, timidly approached. Richard greeted them with smiles and nods and gentle slaps, as he had the other people. They stood, pushing against each other, giggling, whispering how fine he was to look upon. Kahlan glanced back at the Bird Man. He gave her a single nod.

"Why aren't they leaving?" Richard asked out of the side of his mouth. "What do they want?"

"They are for you," she said in an even voice.

The flickering firelight lit his face as he looked blankly at the four women. "For me. And what am I to do with them?"

Kahlan took a deep breath as she looked at the fires for a moment. "I am only your guide, Richard. If you need instruction in this, you will have to seek it elsewhere."

There was a moment of silence.

"All four? For me?"

She turned back to him and saw a mischievous grin spreading on his face. She found his smile irritating.

"No, you are to pick one."

"Pick one?" he repeated, the stupid grin still on his face.

She consoled herself with the fact that at least he wasn't going to cause trouble over this part. He looked from one girl to another.

"Pick one. Now that will be hard. How long do I have to decide?"

She looked off at the fire again and closed her eyes for a moment, then turned to the Bird Man. "The Seeker wishes to know when he must decide which woman to pick."

The Bird Man looked a little surprised by the question. "Before he goes to his bed. Then he must pick one, and give our people his child. In that way he will be joined to us by blood."

The whole ceremonial feast as they prep to summon the spirits of their elders is pretty hosed, to be fair. I'm not even cherry picking here, I'm just editing for brevity. If there was a single chapter I would post in full, it's this one. It's this hosed up chapter.

quote:

He ate some more meat as she clenched her teeth and swallowed hard. "This is kind of strange, I've never had anything like it before." He paused, his voice changed. "What is it?" The question had an edge to it that frightened her, almost made her jump. He had a threatening, hard look in his eyes. She hadn't intended to tell him, but the way he looked at her made her forget that pledge.

She asked the Bird Man, then turned back to him. "He says it is a firefighter."

"A firefighter." Richard leaned forward. "What kind of animal is a firefighter?"

Kahlan looked into his piercing gray eyes. In a soft voice she answered, "One of Darken Rahl's men."

"I see." He leaned back.

He knew. She realized he had known before he asked her the question. He wanted to see if she would lie to him.

"Who are these firefighters?"

She asked the elders how they had come to know about the firefighters. Savidlin was only too eager to tell the story. When he finished, she turned back to Richard.

"Firefighters are enforcers who travel the country to bring Rahl's decree that people are not allowed to use fire. They can be quite brutal in their task. Savidlin says two of them came here a few weeks back, told them fire was outlawed, and then threatened them when the Mud People wouldn't agree to follow the new law. They feared the two would go back and bring more men. So they killed them. The Mud People believe they can gain their enemies' wisdom by eating them. To be a man among the Mud People, to be one of them, you must eat it also, so you will have the knowledge of their enemies. It is the main purpose of banquets. That, and to call the ancestors' spirits."

"And have I eaten enough of it to satisfy the elders?" The expression in his eyes cut through her.

She wished she could run away. "Yes."

With deliberate care, Richard laid down the piece of flesh.

Eventually after a long, drawn out game of "gently caress with Kahlan because he realizes she bargained his dick away without telling him" where he agonizingly picks which of the women to bed... he eats a red apple, and remember, red fruit is poison in the Midlands. So he gets out of the series' first sex scene by maybe hinting that it's made his sperm poisonous, even though he's fine? Yeah. That happens.

Just kidding! He instead nearly fucks Kahlan.

quote:

Probing his gaze again, she withdrew the apple from her pocket and took a slow, juicy bite, dragging her teeth across the meat. The iron look in his eyes never wavered. Fluidly, impulsively, she put the apple to his mouth and held it there as he took a big, wet bite. If only it were possible for him to put his lips on her like that, she thought.

And why not? Was she to die in this quest without being allowed to be a woman? Must she be only a warrior? Fight for everyone's happiness but her own? Seekers, in the best of times, died all too quickly, and these were not the best of times.

These were the end of times.

She ached at the thought of him dying.

She pushed the apple harder against his teeth as she watched his eyes. Even if she took him, she reasoned, he could still fight on, at her side, maybe with even more resolve than he had now. It would be for different reasons, but he would be just as deadly, maybe more so. He would be different, though, not the same person he was now. That person would be gone forever.

But at least he would be hers. She wanted him so desperately, in a way she had never wanted anything before, a way that was painful. Were they both to die without being allowed to live? She felt a tingling weakness with the need of him.

Teasingly, she took the apple from his mouth. Juice ran down his chin. Slowly, deliberately, she leaned over and licked the sweet juice from his chin. He didn't move. Their faces were inches apart; she shared his breath, quick and warm. So close was she that her eyes could scarcely focus on his. She had to swallow the wetness in her mouth.

Reason was rapidly evaporating from her mind, being replaced with feelings that tantalized her with promise, gripped her with hot need.

She released the apple, brought her wet fingers to his lips, and watched, her own tongue on her upper lip, as he let each finger slide into his mouth, slowly sucking the juice from them one at a time as she offered them. The feeling of the inside of his mouth, wet and warm, sent shivers through her.

This goes on for a while. He eventually shuts her down with "So are you gonna tell me your secret powers or what?" and she realizes "Oh, right, if I gently caress him he'll be my eternal slave. Balls."

Then the Bird Man teaches him to call birds. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, folks. Ever since the first time I've read this book?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CVucJBrliI

This is all I can imagine the Bird Man as.

# ? Nov 8, 2014 05:43

AVeryLargeRadish: Aug 19, 2011; I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT BE A WEIRD SEXUAL CREEP ABOUT PREPUBESCENT ANIME GIRLS, READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE!!!

How is it possible to write this poo poo? How is it possible to lack self awareness to this extent? Goodkind must be some sort of Lovecraftian creature, utterly alien to human experience to be able to write something so stilted and unnatural as this thing. I have to read it twice to make myself understand, and then I recoil at the awful, offensive banality of what I just read. :wtc:

# ? Nov 8, 2014 07:53

Skrewtape: Sep 10, 2003; I like pie

Among all of the other nonsense in these books, this whole thing about outlawing fire is really standing out for me. Fire is absolutely central to the technology of the time period he's depicting, and outlawing it (assuming that's even possible) would collapse society. Does Goodkind ever address the impact of this ban? Does he just never depict people inside during the winter, or cooking food, or what?

# ? Nov 8, 2014 11:37

thespaceinvader: Mar 30, 2011; The slightest touch from a Gol-Shogeg will result in Instant Death!

Skrewtape posted:

Among all of the other nonsense in these books, this whole thing about outlawing fire is really standing out for me. Fire is absolutely central to the technology of the time period he's depicting, and outlawing it (assuming that's even possible) would collapse society. Does Goodkind ever address the impact of this ban? Does he just never depict people inside during the winter, or cooking food, or what?

He forgets it exists by about halfway through the book and then Darth Marx is dead and Richard is king of the entire north half of the world at the end of the first book so presumably he rescinds it I guess

# ? Nov 8, 2014 12:05

Zereth: Jul 9, 2003

Right now he appears to be dealing with it by having the ~~heroes~~ protagonists leaving the affected area immediately.

# ? Nov 8, 2014 12:11

Kwyndig: Sep 23, 2006; Heeeeeey

Skrewtape posted:

Among all of the other nonsense in these books, this whole thing about outlawing fire is really standing out for me. Fire is absolutely central to the technology of the time period he's depicting, and outlawing it (assuming that's even possible) would collapse society. Does Goodkind ever address the impact of this ban? Does he just never depict people inside during the winter, or cooking food, or what?

Hell, fire is a central technology now. We could, with extreme difficulty, get by without it, but we'd have to overhaul basically our entire energy generation infrastructure as well as switching our entire method of transportation to muscle or electric power. So unless the bad guy is hiding a hydroelectric dam big enough to power all the Midlands along with a plan to wire up every town this is just nonsense.

# ? Nov 8, 2014 13:04

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# ? Jun 4, 2024 15:50

Esposito: Apr 5, 2003; Sic transit gloria. Maybe we'll meet again someday, when the fighting stops.

I loved this series as a teenager, when (like many others, it seems) I read it totally uncritically. It's embarrassing to see its myriad flaws laid out.

Is it the Mud People who send all their most promising fighters for Richard to kill? I don't remember what the point of it was, except that it allows Goodkind to jump Richard straight to blademaster status and proclaim him the Car'a'carn, while awkwardly working in an Aiel-like people who are never mentioned again.

Thinking about it, it seems like Goodkind has enough elements for a richly derivative world, but totally neglects to weave those elements through the story.

# ? Nov 8, 2014 13:37

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read the Sword of Truth books! (Or not. Can we not?)

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