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SLICK GOKU BABY posted:God used to be a huge dick. The devil got tired of it and cut out God's tongue, then cut off his arms and legs. Now god lays on the floor in heaven able to watch and listen to us live better lives but can't do anything to gently caress it up. Hail Satan.
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Apr 11, 2016 02:00
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Rando posted:Erotica. song of solomon would make a killing on the kindle erotica market if it were written today, even more if you throw in gay dinosaurs
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Apr 11, 2016 02:02
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Dreddout posted:Hail Satan.
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Apr 11, 2016 03:03
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There sure is a lot of text and no pictures in this thread about sexy sluts from the bible. Way to drop the ball nerds.
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Apr 11, 2016 03:03
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Rutibex posted:God is a weak rear end bitch, and can't even win a wrestling match with a regular guy without using his power to cheat. Goku would mop the floor with this guy Lol jacob had gay sex with god?
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Apr 11, 2016 03:24
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Absolute Lithops posted:Actually for most stories in the Hebrew Bible we don't know which ones were supposed to be taken as allegory, as literally true history, or what. Probably the way a lot of stories were "meant" to be viewed changed over time. Do you mean like in the pre-written phase? Because even as it's organized the torah pretty clearly lays out which sections are parable and which are supposed to be historic, at least better than the old testament does. I mean you're right there's a lot of stuff that we know is bullshit/historically inaccurate now, and could've been believed earlier, and more than a few cases of "Look guys! I found a real surviving copy of the holy text looks like your version was missing the fact Judea wasn't actually god's kingdom -A convenient find now that they've been sacked and we were at war with them," followed by "Oh poo poo never mind, Judea actually survived that and Israel didn't looks like Judea carried on David's bloodline and here's why..." But yeah there's a lot cool bickering like that where there's flat out contradicting older poo poo, or weirdly trying to twist old prophecy that didn't come to pass to fit modern (at the time) sensibilities. Kinda like how Christians keeps reinterpreting the coded prophecies of Rome's downfall to be about the literal end of the world, since Rome became a Christian nation.
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Apr 11, 2016 03:52
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The Bible kinda owns. Like some of it is boring as poo poo, but man there is some crazy poo poo in there. I remember being dragged to Sunday School as a kid to a church that was a pretty middle classy, laissez faire kinda church where no one really bible banged too much, but it was still boring. I used to get bored and just flip through the Bible we had to bring, and at the age of like 10 reading the story of Onan made my eyes bug out.
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Apr 11, 2016 04:06
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You guys should read the book of Mormon. Like castle sieges and poo poo in south America after the jews conquer the dark skinned natives Spanish style.
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Apr 11, 2016 05:03
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Falun Bong Refugee posted:There sure is a lot of text and no pictures in this thread about sexy sluts from the bible. Way to drop the ball nerds. fine 
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Apr 11, 2016 05:04
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the old testament owns, especially onanquote:Genesis 38:8-10New International Version (NIV) dude got killed by god for jerking off on rocks lol
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Apr 11, 2016 05:18
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Edgar posted:You guys should read the book of Mormon. Like castle sieges and poo poo in south America after the jews conquer the dark skinned natives Spanish style. Both were Jews. God just punished whoever was bad at any given moment and turned their skin dark for their wickedness because God is a piece of poo poo MRA racist. They came across the writings of some "natives" and put them in the book but it turned out they were ALSO Jews who came over during the Tower of Babel stuff. But don't mention DNA as a reason to dispute all of this lol.
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Apr 11, 2016 05:28
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the bible is full of barfs, all the barfing and chundering is my favorite scriptural theme and it runs like a golden thread from genesis thru revelation & even the apocryphal song of guzman. when jona gets swallowed by the fish and dies then gets barfed up on the shores of nineveh, thats a classic barf scene, or when judas is so embarased at the last super when jesus laughs at him for barfing on his knees that he decides to betray jesus later on (the betrayal of judas ends on a barf note as well when he hangs himself and he barfs his guts out his own rear end), theres the scene on the shores of the sea of galilee when jesus does like his hundreth wine miracle and simon peter starts barfing and its contagious and all the other apostles start barfing too, the book of revelation when jesus barfs up the sword that will punish the nations, and of course the famous parable of the Blowing of the chunks in the song of guzman.
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Apr 11, 2016 05:37
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Jesus barfed. 
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Apr 11, 2016 05:38
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i think there is more cumming than barfing in the bible
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Apr 11, 2016 05:47
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Rutibex posted:i think there is more cumming than barfing in the bible the words for barf and cumshot both come from the same root hebrew word 'barfo'
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Apr 11, 2016 05:50
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Samson is the coolest because he just couldn't stay away from that hot Philistine pussy, and as a result had to tear a lion in half, torch a city's crops, and murder over 1000 people. Then he died by pulling a pagan temple down on himself, the most metal death possible.
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Apr 11, 2016 05:58
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Agag posted:Samson is the coolest because he just couldn't stay away from that hot Philistine pussy, and as a result had to tear a lion in half, torch a city's crops, and murder over 1000 people. his enchanted mullet was metal as
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Apr 11, 2016 06:02
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jackyl posted:the old testament owns, especially onan I really don't get how this one got interpreted as masturbation=sinful as opposed to "hey dude you've got a duty to knock up your dead brothers wife". Nor do I get why Onan was such a pussy about nuttin in them guts.
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Apr 11, 2016 06:12
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i sometimes call barfs 'heavy belches'
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Apr 11, 2016 06:13
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i read the whole bible 
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Apr 11, 2016 06:17
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flerp posted:i read the whole bible yeah i read the whole thing too and i was not convinced, i found the whole thing lacking in scientific evidence, im something of a skeptic. im kind of a skeptic. but, ive read the whole bible.
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Apr 11, 2016 06:18
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Orkin Mang posted:yeah i read the whole thing too and i was not convinced, i found the whole thing lacking in scientific evidence, im something of a skeptic. im kind of a skeptic. but, ive read the whole bible. i love jesus
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Apr 11, 2016 06:19
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I really enjoy the time some children dissed god's homie, who then cried to god, who then mauled the children with bearsquote:Elisha and the Two Bears (2 Kings 2:23-25) A Spider Covets fucked around with this message at 06:23 on Apr 11, 2016 |
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Apr 11, 2016 06:20
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I got a crush on Judith. The way she chopped off holofernes head... drat, like, drat let's gently caress
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Apr 11, 2016 06:21
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flerp posted:i love jesus i got to the end of the whole entire bible, by reading it, and my take away from it was that jesus was just a great moral teacher, like buddha whose bible i also read
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Apr 11, 2016 06:22
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A Spider Covets posted:I really enjoy the time some children dissed god's homie, who then cried to god, who then mauled the children with bears The translational poo poo about this is super intense, it could have been punk kids bullshitting a bald guy, or it could have been gang members assaulting God's bro and calling him a empty headed retard... gently caress
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Apr 11, 2016 06:24
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solaranus posted:Nor do I get why Onan was such a pussy about nuttin in them guts. It's not rocket science dude. If he knocked her up he wouldn't have been allowed to gently caress her anymore.
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Apr 11, 2016 07:08
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Orkin Mang posted:i got to the end of the whole entire bible, by reading it, and my take away from it was that jesus was just a great moral teacher, like buddha whose bible i also read whos bubbha?
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Apr 11, 2016 07:12
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judaisim made a lot more sense before the babylonian captivity, where they got all indoctrinated into zoroastrianism. before then, yahweh was simply a fire god who lived on top of a mountain and ordered the jews to worship only him, rather than all the other gods there were.
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Apr 11, 2016 07:21
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Prettz posted:judaisim made a lot more sense before the babylonian captivity, where they got all indoctrinated into zoroastrianism. before then, yahweh was simply a fire god who lived on top of a mountain and ordered the jews to worship only him, rather than all the other gods there were. the jews were the first people to worship mazda outside of japan
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Apr 11, 2016 07:26
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There is a fun book called "holy Sh*t" a brief history of swearing. There is a part that deals with latin and how alot of their vulgar words become our medical word. Vagina is a rather crude roman slang word meaning sheath. The other part is basically a bible lesson talking about Abram, how he had that dream where a torch passed through cut up cows, and it was basically god cursing himself to honor the convent. It also talks about how abram followed pagan practices like planting a tree, blah blah blah And how god leveled himself up soo much that he went from saying "LOOK HOW I AM STRONGER THAN THESE OTHER GODS" "There were never any other gods its was just me" Sadly God left his wife
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Apr 11, 2016 07:34
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flerp posted:whos bubbha? fat gay jesus
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Apr 11, 2016 08:12
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solaranus posted:I really don't get how this one got interpreted as masturbation=sinful as opposed to "hey dude you've got a duty to knock up your dead brothers wife". Nor do I get why Onan was such a pussy about nuttin in them guts. basically it's all ejaculation not inside a woman is evil, and he didn't wanna knock her up cause if she died with no kids he got all his brother's money and poo poo.
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Apr 11, 2016 08:15
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the bible is dumb as gently caress but then again this thread is too, so
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Apr 11, 2016 08:18
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solaranus posted:I really don't get how this one got interpreted as masturbation=sinful as opposed to "hey dude you've got a duty to knock up your dead brothers wife". Nor do I get why Onan was such a pussy about nuttin in them guts. Yeah he wasn't jerking it, he specifically was disobeying god's will to procreate and pulling out. Did any of you ever play that text adventure game old testament simulator? It's pretty cool in that every choice fucks you. Like even obeying every one of god's wishes gets you punished because he comes down and says "Oh, you didn't really want to follow my commands, you just did it so I'd reward you!"
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Apr 11, 2016 08:23
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Elfgames posted:basically it's all ejaculation not inside a woman is evil, and he didn't wanna knock her up cause if she died with no kids he got all his brother's money and poo poo. I'm pretty sure Onan already had a wife that he was knocking up on the reg already though, or at least that's what I remember from my reading. Like all I took away from it was: his brother died, it was explicitly stated bros had to pitch hit in case of death, and Onan was like nah dude I'm pulling out just because. Am I misremembering things?
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Apr 11, 2016 08:32
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Dude you're really loving up the lineage inheritances, just baste your sister in law already
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Apr 11, 2016 08:56
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Coolness Averted posted:Yeah he wasn't jerking it, he specifically was disobeying god's will to procreate and pulling out.
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Apr 11, 2016 09:09
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Elfgames posted:basically it's all ejaculation not inside a woman is evil, and he didn't wanna knock her up cause if she died with no kids he got all his brother's money and poo poo. Did they not know about anal in those times or something?
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Apr 11, 2016 10:19
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I prefer the women in the Koran because they're half your age or 7. Wait I think I hosed that joke up...
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Apr 11, 2016 11:11
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