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Humper-Monkey
Jan 21, 2006

"I'll be there in a minute, I've got to cripple Mr. Clean!"

I come from a long line of military service. We're talking Revolutionary War back there. I was raised in the code of "Honor. Duty. Courage. Love. Mercy. Compassion." and that military service was a way of paying your debt to society for freedoms, free schooling, and all the other wonderful benifits that living in America gives you.

My old man was awesome beyond words. His father was frightening, yet awesome. I was raised to honor the laws, the office if not the man, obey the laws, and knowing when to fight against injustice. He believed in his military oath, even the "Foriegn and Domestic" part of it. When he joined the Army he was a 4th grade graduate, when he retired he had his Masters.

He stressed to us that men and women were different, yet equal. He adopted children. Not the easy ones, the discipline cases, the ones that people pretend don't exist. The poor fuckers that didn't have a chance. Not one of them failed to graduate high school, most went into the military and I still talk to them today. He only lost one adopted kid, who was hit and killed by a drunk driver in the parking lot of G.I. Joe's while walking home from his part time job.

He left his mark on me. Sure, I'm a psychotic, but I do have a great capacity for love and compassion because of him. I've always tried to lead by example, even as a civilian I believe that holding myself to a higher standard than society does is what a man does.

Coming home busted up beyond nearly recognition was not dishonorable. I had lived, and that was enough. I had nothing to be ashamed of, but it did not make me better than those who never served. "To protect those that will not or can not defend themselves" does not give you the right to judge them for their choices.

My father had thousands of sayings. He left his impressions on all of us.

So, now you know me.

A couple of years ago, my first wife gets ahold of me. It turns out that she had given birth to a son, and wanted me to take a paternity test. I refused, and eventually was compelled by court order to give up a sample of DNA. He turned out to be my son, and the State of Florida attempted to bill me for all her years of welfare fraud.

She also demanded back child support. We went to court, and the judge threw it out, seeing as she had been married to someone else the entire time. She got pissed, and in the parking lot, told me that I needed to act like a man, and take the kid.

So here's this kid that I've never even loving met, that I didn't even know existed before she contacted me after almost 15 years. Things had changed so much, she didn't even recognise me, and she wants to hand me a 13 year old? Aw gently caress.

So I tell her that I'll be back in 2 days to pick him up, have his poo poo ready. I'm not playing games with her, and the local cops are coming to witness it, along with her signing over ALL legal rights to the kid. I fly back to Olympia, and borrow my brother's pickup, leaving the family car with him.

I show up, my wife with me, and here's this kid. Aw gently caress, there's no denying that's my kid, we didn't even NEED the DNA test. One look at the two of us, and everyone would realize that's my kid. Despite the fact he's skinnier than I was at that age, he looks like me at 13.

"So your the guy whose my real dad?" he asks. Oh God, he's a whiner.

"Yeah, turns out I am. I'm Monkey. That's Monkey-Wife. You have 3 sisters, here's a picture. Let me help you load the stuff into the truck."

"I'm tired from bringing it out here. My mom didn't help me, and my step-rear end in a top hat wouldn't let me take all my stuff. Can't you do it?"

Well, I kind of want to get off on the right foot, and going all Drill Sergeant on his rear end wasn't exactly what I wanted to do. So the wife and I load all his poo poo into the truck.

"Can I say goodbye to my girlfriend?"

I tell him sure, just give me directions. He does, and she comes bounding out of a trailer home with a blue tarp on the top. She's obviously pregnant, and looks, well, like Britney Spears had been beat in the face with an ugly stick and her tits had fallen into her gut. In other words, dressed in tramp style and just plain acne covered shack nasty ugly.

"I want to stay overnight here." he says.

"No. We have 1500 miles to go, your sisters are with your uncle and aunt, and I promised him I'd pick them up. Get in the truck."

"No."

"Boooy." I could hear my father's ghost laughing. Ever heard the Tall-Man from Phatasm say "Booooy!" That's how the males in my family sound when they say it.

"I'm staying with her. I love her."

"Get in the truck, now."

"You're just trying to keep us apart! We're like Romeo and Juliet! We're like (some loving people I found out were from some goddamn anime) and you're like (the villian, I guess), and you can't make me!"

"Get in the goddamn truck, or I'll put you in it."

He does some poo poo with his hands and exhales like Darth Vader cumming all over Princess Liea's rear end and tells me: "Don't make me kick your rear end, old man!"

gently caress this. I'll handle it the way my old man would handle idiots. I grab him by his collar, bounce him off the side of the truck, grab one leg, and throw him in the back. He looks up, and I smack him.

"I'm the alpha male. Stay in the truck or you'll learn what happens to pups who make challenges." He recoils and I fire up the truck and leave pregnant and ugly behind.

We stop at a gas station, and I tell him: "Pump the gas, I'm gonna grab some coffee."

"No."

:: "Why not?" My temper's cooled, and my meds are working.

"I don't know how."

"What? Why not?"

"Mommy didn't want me to. She said it was dangerous." WTF? Mommy?

So I show him how to pump gas, get my coffee and a donut, pay for the gas, and see him walking across the gas station/truck stop parking lot. I set my coffee and donut on the hood and jog toward him, and he breaks into a run, looking like a spastic chimp.

I catch up to him pretty easy. Don't be fooled by the limp, I was still running 2-5 miles a day. I grab him by the collar and swing him around.

"Don't. Run."

"You can't keep me from her! We're destined to be together! I'm Alexander the Great, she's Cleopatra!"

"Get in the goddamn truck. Now."

"You can't tell me what to do, I'm Alexander the Great and she's Cleopatra, we're destined!!" He swings, badly telegraphed and totally uncordinated. I duck underneath, pop back up, and grab his ear and twist.

"He was queer. She was ugly. Now get in the truck. I'll buy you a loving dress in Seattle."

So he's ranting and raving about how he can't be kept from her, I'm dragging him to the truck by his ear, and wondering if I'm gonna have to put this kid in therapy. Given the choice between having his ear torn off or getting in the truck, he gets in.

I'm losing my patience.

We hit the freeway, and keep going till I have to get gas again. I stand by the side of the truck and stare at him, my wife pumps the gas. When we get to a rest stop, I start opening his boxes, and he freaks out.

"What are you doing? That's mine!"

"I'm tossing your poo poo. Get used to it." I find porn with names like "Daddy's Girls" and "Family Love", that goes in the garbage. I find a bag of marijuana and some other poo poo, I just toss it in the garbage.

"That's my stuff, you can't do that."

"Shut the gently caress up. You can't be trusted, you tried to bring drugs into my house. The porn is sick incest poo poo, and it ain't going to my house."

We get back in the truck, my wife drives, I sleep.

I'm woken up by a loud cry of pain and sit up.

Mr. Wonderful is laying on the ground crying, my wife has her fists balled up and is literally shaking. She's got a palm mark on her face.

"What the hell?" I ask, getting out of the truck.

"SHE HURT ME!" he squalls out.

"He slapped her!" this black dude says. We're at another rest stop. "He tried to walk away, she grabbed him, and he slapped her. He raised his hand again and she pulled some karate poo poo and bounced him!" He and his friends are all laughing.

Oh. gently caress. See, she may look sweet, but she spent 12 years in the military, got out on a medical after she fractured several vertebra in an ambulance humvee crash. She was a vet of Haiti, Desert Storm, Panama, and was decorated for bravery. She took part in the Red Team Gym combatives team.

"That's pretty much what happened." my wife tells me.

"Get in the truck, now." I tell him. Why punish him? He tried his hand against the Alpha female and got hosed up. He climbs in crying he's going to call CPS on us. By this time, I'm ready to loving turn him into CPS. What the gently caress kind of kid did my ex-wife raise?

So we get back in the truck, and she's pissed. He loving slaps her, and tells her: "That's what you get for touching me!" So when he raised his hand again, she did the standard US Army Judo throw and bounced him off the pavement.

We bypass Seattle and stop at Fort Lewis to pick up my kids. My brother comes out all smiles and my kids run up and surround me. Everyone wants to see "The Boy." He's huddled down in the truck, and when he gets out, he snubs my brother by saying: "Army guys are wimps! Saiyans are the real badasses!" I'm like "What the gently caress is a say-anne?"

"He's an anime geek." My brother tells me, and shakes his head. "Good luck, Monkey." We hug, and he goes back in the house. We make "The Boy" ride in the truck still, since he wanted to snub his sisters by ignoring them. The wife loads the girls into the car and he asks: "Can't I ride in the cab?"

"Get in."

We get in, and he sprawls out in the seat and pulls out a Gameboy.

"Hey, buckle up."

"Seat belts are for mortals."

"Seat belts are going to be wrapped around your loving neck." I warn him. He sighs, rolls his eyes, and buckles up.

We ride for the next 6 hours in silence, just his Gameboy beeping, until we get to the house. His sisters are already in bed, my wife beat me there by about an hour, and I had to chase him through the woods once at a rest stop. Took me longer to drag him out by his collar than to catch him. He had all the running wind of an asthmatic parapelgic. Without a wheel-chair. Deaf people in other states could hear him panting. For those of you who ever run from a one-eyed psychotic in the woods, here's a hint: Don't run 200 feet, think you're safe, and light up a joint. He's gonna catch you.

I march in, grab the phone, and call my ex.

"What's the real reason you shipped him off to me?" I ask.

So, it all comes out. He threatened his step dad. Started slapping her when he didn't get his way. Beat up his little sisters. Was smoking pot in the house. Was failing in school. He wouldn't do his chores, but stole money from his parents.

I remember thinking: Great, this is just going to get worse.

I was right.

[more later, and trust me, it gets better]

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Gadani
Oct 19, 2005


I think the best sentence in here is "Seat belts are for mortals".

What a prick.

Eagerly awaiting the rest.

funmanguy
Apr 20, 2006

What time is it?


I am so happy you are telling stories again!

Drumstick
Jun 20, 2006
Lord of cacti

holy poo poo, did his mom and step dad out right refuse to punish him? Based on your story it sounds as if he got his way all the time and his parents refused to punish him. Good luck.

Mr.Pibbleton
Feb 3, 2006

Aleuts Rock!


I've been eagerly awaiting another epic, this one sounds like it might be even better than your blind study partner who saw that one friend of yours naked!

C is for Cancer
Aug 17, 2006
It's good enough for me

I've got a feeling that if you get through to this kid, it will be the best thing that ever happened to him. Looks like on the car-ride alone he learned 3-5 life lessons.

neato burrito
Aug 25, 2002

bitch better have my chex mix

I'm going to print this thread out and save it as a reference for when I have lovely kids.

ffoecaf
Sep 17, 2005

Hey Brandon, slip on this.

Humper-Monkey posted:

"I'm Alexander the Great and she's Cleopatra, we're destined!!"

"Army guys are wimps! Saiyans are the real badasses!"

"Seat belts are for mortals."



Ahahahaha. Oh god. I can't wait for more. Eagerly looking forwards to him getting knocked back into the real world. Kid sounds like he's never heard the word 'no' before.

CaptainScraps
Jan 31, 2003

Oh no kitties! Please don't fight!

I really wish I had seen your wife judo throw this kid. If she had gotten a bounce, I would have cracked up.

DoAtheistsPoo?
Aug 15, 2004


Dude right on for doing the right thing!! Best wishes on that.

I think it's loving tragic that kids are brought up that way. If I dwell on all the trash out there making more trash, I start thinking nuclear weapons are a good thing... So I try not to think about trash too much.

Wykyd Sceptre
May 8, 2005

by Fragmaster


This can't be real, no one actually says stuff like "Army guys are wimps, saiyans are awesome".





Right? BTW Did he get his juliet pregnant? Isn't this going to repeat in about 13 years?

JayKay
Sep 11, 2001

And you thought they were cute and cuddly.

Please say this is all a joke. Please?

Ornamented Death
Jan 25, 2006

I'M A DRAGON! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

JayKay posted:

Please say this is all a joke. Please?

Whether or not it's a joke isn't the point. Humper-Monkey knows how to tell some kickass stories.

BillyBlanks
Oct 5, 2000

(not racist)


I wish more kids got this kind of tough love from their parents

edit - also, that was a good read, looking forward to more

J.R. Pigman
Aug 26, 2005


You tell some awesome stories, Monkey. Better yet, I always find myself saying 'gently caress yeah!' to your reactions.

Keep up the good work. Subscribed.

smalls
Aug 30, 2004
My Grampa once told me a story, it went like this; "There once was a boy who ate fire. He died". My Grampa was a fucked up guy.

You are man among men. I would be proud to call you my father.

Cathis
Sep 11, 2001

Me in a hotel with a mini-bar. How's that story end?

Goddamnit, this will teach me to read SA when I am supposed to be writing my thesis.
This is WAY more interesting.

Everdraed
Sep 7, 2003

spankety, spankety, spankety


Excellent story-telling; can't wait to read the continuation of a true American badass versus the thirteen year old saiyaboy.

I hope there's more kid-sass, I loves that stuff.

neato burrito
Aug 25, 2002

bitch better have my chex mix

Wykyd Sceptre posted:

This can't be real, no one actually says stuff like "Army guys are wimps, saiyans are awesome".

JayKay posted:

Please say this is all a joke. Please?

Oh, knock it off. Don't poo poo up another great thread with this. Shut up and enjoy the story.

Tasty_Crayon
Jul 29, 2006
Same story, different version.



This is beautiful, and I am awaiting further posts with bated breath.

Take his anime away, and please please PLEASE tell me that some of these stories end with his sisters kicking his rear end? Please?

JayKay
Sep 11, 2001

And you thought they were cute and cuddly.

slayn666 posted:

Whether or not it's a joke isn't the point. Humper-Monkey knows how to tell some kickass stories.

Yes, he does tell kickass stories. But if there really is a 15 year old, pot smoking, anime nerd, with a knocked up white trash girlfired, and with a boatload of issues is absolutly depressing





neato burrito posted:

Oh, knock it off. Don't poo poo up another great thread with this. Shut up and enjoy the story.

I'm not trying to poo poo on the thread It's just that this is so goddamn depressing.

JayKay fucked around with this message at Nov 30, 2006 around 19:02

iamyourgoldfish
Jan 11, 2005


Humper-Monkey, I love your posts. Please to continue the story!

Oscar Wild
Apr 11, 2006
Dancing with Salome

I wish you were my dad in the same way I wish I had cancer. Seriously though the little poo poo had it coming. Your first wife sounds like a real winner who raised a kid that will hit a woman. He's probably never been told "no" his entire life and now you get to give him reality the hard way. Good Luck and eagerly awaiting more stories.

thepartypooper
Jul 4, 2002


Wykyd Sceptre posted:

This can't be real, no one actually says stuff like "Army guys are wimps, saiyans are awesome".





Right? BTW Did he get his juliet pregnant? Isn't this going to repeat in about 13 years?

Never underestimate the awkwardness of teenage boys.

Wacky Iraqi
Dec 24, 2002


Kid was smoking weed in his mom's house at the age of 13? jesus gently caress.

Dosvidanya
May 28, 2004

I don't advertise for free

Being immortal goes against that whole idea in warfare about not wanting to live forever so this is like the Odd Couple.

DrunkPanda
Apr 24, 2005
I am trolling you, CineD

28 Days Later is actually a great movie

fuck starcraft


Everdraed posted:

Excellent story-telling; can't wait to read the continuation of a true American badass versus the thirteen year old saiyaboy.

I hope there's more kid-sass, I loves that stuff.

monkey better hope his kid doesn't turn into a supersaiyan. or he's in a world of trouble

Baloogan
Dec 5, 2004

I have a dream, that I may one day post in a forum where a goon may be judged not by the color of his avatar, but by the content of his posts!

I love humper-monkey story time.

Aaron Burr
Mar 7, 2004

President of the Republic of Louisiana, 1808-1816


God dammit, a Humper-Monkey tale! Looks like I've got a subscription to put on my lonely ol' control panel! I'm eagerly awaiting more.

H-M, why don't you take a crack at a screenplay sometime? Your unbelievably awesome life would make a killer flick or two.

Jingleheimer
Mar 30, 2006

What the WHAT?


How the hell does a 13 year old kid get money to buy pot? He much money did he actually steal from his mom and step dad? Great story though, waiting for more.

Tienshin
Jan 7, 2004


Looking forward to more tales of shiteating children getting the crushing they so desperately deserve.

NerdyMcNerdNerd
Aug 3, 2004



That was an awesome read. Reminds me a little of when some of my trashy relatives were staying with me. I'm still finding pawn slips around the house for my poo poo. Everytime I find one my urge to drive to Michigan with a shotgun rises dramatically.

Ocean Madness
Sep 26, 2006
Somewhere between the hipsters and the hoboes.

neato burrito posted:

I'm going to print this thread out and save it as a reference for when I have lovely kids.

Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be as lovely a parent as Humper-Monkey's ex and therefore won't have to worry about this.

Good to see you posting again, Monkey. I was a lurker way before I registered and I loved the stories about you and Matt. Keep us updated on him too, please.

Weedle
May 31, 2006

by Peatpot


This is an awesome story. Did he really say "Seat belts are for mortals?" That's more retarded than "Saiyans are the real badasses" and "We're like Anime Guy and Anime Girl" combined.

Also, I'd like to buy you a beer.

DamnCanadian
Jan 3, 2005

Perpetuating the stereotype since 1978.

Son of Humper-Monkey posted:

"You can't tell me what to do, I'm Alexander the Great and she's Cleopatra, we're destined!!"

Well, I guess history is the least of the kid's worries, but I think he meant Marc Antony and Cleopatra, given that Alexander the Great was dead long before Cleopatra was born.

EDIT: well, could have been Julius Caesar, too.

Looselybased
Sep 7, 2005

"Life is not a song, sweetling.
Someday you may learn that, to your sorrow."

There's a part of me that really wants this kid to come out all right in the end, but most of me wants to just see him lit on fire.

"What, don't saiyans do this kind of stuff all the time?"

Bob Morales
Aug 18, 2006

HYPER-THREADING


Jingleheimer posted:

How the hell does a 13 year old kid get money to buy pot? He much money did he actually steal from his mom and step dad? Great story though, waiting for more.

You can score dirt weed cheap.

Alphagabe
Aug 13, 2004

Much better than gummy bears.

YOur gonna whip this kid into shape. I can tell it by your tone. Hopefully in 10 years this will just be a funny anecdote. I give you major props for taking responsibility for your actions.

-Misfit-
Apr 20, 2005

I come in the name of Jesus Christ by the power of the holy spirit Bitch!

I would rather have a flipper baby than the little monster described in your story.

Goondolences

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Senior Woodchuck
Aug 29, 2006

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home


JayKay posted:

Yes, he does tell kickass stories. But if there really is a 15 year old, pot smoking, anime nerd, with a knocked up white trash girlfired, and with a boatload of issues is absolutly depressing


Even if Monkey's making it all up (and who gives a gently caress if he is, it's entertaining), rest assured this kid exists.

Fun fact for the next time he pulls out that Alexander/Cleopatra poo poo: They lived like three centuries apart. Cleo was loving, among others, Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.

The old "Matt" thread's in Goldmine, right?

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