Sippenfeld

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > LF Goldmine > Sippenfeld

T-Paine: Dec 12, 2007; Sitting in the Costco food court unmasked, Bible in hand, reading my favorite Psalms to my five children: Abel, Bethany, Carlos, Carlos, and Carlos.

INT - Jerry's Apartment

[We see Jerry dotingly clean a rifle on his couch]

Jerry: Just a little more...there! All clean. What's the deal with cleaning these things? Can't they make it so you can just run it under the faucet? Who has the time to take a gun apart and run swabs all over it? You don't have to do that with your TV. Why your gun? It's vexing.

[He sights the rifle and peers through its scope]

Jerry: Pchhooom, pchoom. Target acquired, Joe...

[He mimics Kramer's voice]

Jerry: Hey buddy, I came to steal some more of your possessions. Giddyup, did you put your blood sweat and tears into this ascot? Even better, let me "borrow" it and ruin it for you...BLAMMO!!

[Jerry's buzzer rings. He quickly puts the gun under the couch and answers it]

Jerry: Yeah?

George: It's me.

Jerry: Come on up.

[Jerry moves back to the couch. The door swings open violently and Kramer slides in]

Kramer: Hey buddy, you got any Fig Newtons?

Jerry: [Sly smile] Suuuuure. Anything for you K-Man. They're in the cabinet.

Kramer: Yititit.

[As Kramer moves over the cabinet, Jerry pulls the gun out from under the couch]

Kramer: I don't see any Fig Newtons, Jerry. You got Oreos, Keebler Elves, Mallomars...

[He looks up and sees that Jerry has him in the rifle's sights]

Kramer: Bwerp. That's quite a...realistic looking toy you got there buddy.

Jerry: [Nasally whine shout] I'm tired of you stealing my things! My life's work is in...those...cookies!!

Kramer: They're just cookies, Jerry. You got to learn to let go of your possessions. Otherwise they wind up owning you.

Jerry: No, I wind up owning you. Goodbye Kramer.

[George opens the door as Jerry pulls the trigger. The back of Kramer's skull explodes all over Jerry's refridgerator]

[The staccato taps of the Seinfeld theme begin to play]

George: [panicking] GEORGE JUST WITNESSED A MURDER!!

Jerry: Not a murder, George. Just a man...[mimicking Patton] a man who was fed up. A man who employed totally justified force to protect...his...cookies!

George: Okay! Whatever you say. I'm down with it. I'll keep this...on the down low.

Jerry: Oh like you're at all familiar with street slang.

George: Oh like you are!

Jerry: The man with the gun is, yes. Now help me get rid of the body!

[The Seinfeld theme cuts in fully and the credits roll]

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:04

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 9, 2024 22:26

Home!: Aug 30, 2008; by The Finn

gj queerballs

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:07

Crandle: Sep 13, 2004; Johnson giggles and me I wiggle Mao Mao

goldmine

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:09

Poor Mans Randbrick: Feb 18, 2007

Crandle posted:

goldmine

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:10

Kauka: Jan 23, 2005; ja...JA!!!!jaaa

hahahah

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:10

ex post facho: Oct 25, 2007

sippenhaft sucks

a lot

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:11

Siphan: Jul 2, 2007; To the Cheneymobile!

Goldmine before faggots poo poo it up

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:11

Crandle: Sep 13, 2004; Johnson giggles and me I wiggle Mao Mao

but maybe do another scene first or something there's a lot of fuckin material

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:11

A HUNGRY MOUTH: Nov 3, 2006; date of birth: 02/05/88
manufacturer: mazda
model/year: 2008 mazda6
sexuality: straight, bi-curious
peircings: pusspuss; Nap Ghost

i liked the partwith georg

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:12

Home!: Aug 30, 2008; by The Finn

just for you snow and lights i shall dine on trash made of garbage instead of waste made of rubbish

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:12

here comes cask: Jul 7, 2003

Kauka posted:

hahahah

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:13

Mighty Joe Stalin: Dec 17, 2006; I've got the URGE...the URGE to PURGE.

T-Paine posted:

Kramer: Yititit.

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:14

Final Fart Buttball: Jun 24, 2005

T-Paine posted:

Jerry: [Nasally whine shout] I'm tired of you stealing my things! My life's work is in...those...cookies!!

Kramer: They're just cookies, Jerry. You got to learn to let go of your possessions. Otherwise they wind up owning you.

Jerry: No, I wind up owning you. Goodbye Kramer.

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:14

ex post facho: Oct 25, 2007

there needs to be a followup scene where they have a contest to see who can go the longest without shooting somebody

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:15

Andrea Twerkin: Jun 19, 2007; by Peatpot

Mighty Joe Stalin posted:

lmao

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:17

Doddery Meerkat: Aug 6, 2006; by Y Kant Ozma Post

Tyrone...

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:23

Richard M. Nixon: Jun 7, 2006; Don't get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.

be-do do do do boop boop boodoop bedoopboop boop

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:27

Stegosaurus: Sep 30, 2005; _{yeah it was like, we came in one day and there was a five-seven just chillin on airbus two. we were like, 'the hell?'}

Richard M. Nixon posted:

be-do do do do boop boop boodoop bedoopboop boop

skiddle do dum do do do skiddle do dum do do do

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:28

Stegosaurus: Sep 30, 2005; _{yeah it was like, we came in one day and there was a five-seven just chillin on airbus two. we were like, 'the hell?'}

I'm the scat man

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:28

Richard M. Nixon: Jun 7, 2006; Don't get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.

cant u read I was singing teh theme song

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:29

boner school: May 4, 2008

purestrain

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:29

Stegosaurus: Sep 30, 2005; _{yeah it was like, we came in one day and there was a five-seven just chillin on airbus two. we were like, 'the hell?'}

Richard M. Nixon posted:

cant u read I was singing teh theme song

I can't read music sorrt

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:30

Home!: Aug 30, 2008; by The Finn

mmmmbop

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:30

Secular Regressive: Jul 28, 2006; by Y Kant Ozma Post

I miss the staevfiction, this gives me nostalgia

# ? Nov 8, 2008 08:32

Your Proud Pal: Sep 4, 2006

seinfeld owns
sippenwhoever blows

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:23

wheez the roux: Aug 2, 2004; THEY SHOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO LYNCH

Death to the Seahawks. Death to Seahawks posters.

every analogy allegory and metaphor should be in the style of a seinfeld episode

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:24

Xenophon: Jun 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless; Grimey Drawer

your pilot has been picked up, deliver more scripts please

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:25

Tulip: Jun 3, 2008; yeah thats pretty good

I'm in a world of T-Paine...

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:25

Kungfubar: Aug 24, 2002; then one morning i woke up and i thought oedipus oedipus oedipus oedipus

seinfeld is an uppity new york jew who probably kicks dogs irl

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:27

Kungfubar: Aug 24, 2002; then one morning i woke up and i thought oedipus oedipus oedipus oedipus

Kungfubar posted:

seinfeld is an uppity new york jew who probably kicks dogs irl

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:27

Tulip: Jun 3, 2008; yeah thats pretty good

Kungfubar posted:

seinfeld is an uppity new york jew who probably kicks dogs irl

I mean, what's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld?

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:27

bedmobile: May 22, 2007

Crandle posted:

goldmine

# ? Nov 8, 2008 09:29

fozzie dunlop: Feb 28, 2008; by exmarx

Richard M. Nixon posted:

be-do do do do boop boop boodoop bedoopboop boop

no no no it goes bwonk bitonk bank bonk bidonk like les claypool

# ? Nov 8, 2008 10:25

T-Paine: Dec 12, 2007; Sitting in the Costco food court unmasked, Bible in hand, reading my favorite Psalms to my five children: Abel, Bethany, Carlos, Carlos, and Carlos.

Int - Monk's Coffee Shop, Day

[Jerry and Elaine are sitting across from one another. Jerry is drinking a cup of coffee and Elaine is devouring a large chocolate cake greedily]

Jerry: Okay...what happened.

Elaine: [Trembling] Nothing. Nothing happened.

Jerry: Spill it sister!

Elaine: [Begins to cry] Jerry...Peterman, he raped me. He called me into his office and he closed the door and...he told me this story about when he was living in Uzebkistan and he had to perform sexual favors to pay the rent. Then he...he said that he was invoking article 20b from my contract, and he...

Jerry: Article 20b?

[Elaine pulls out a large document and Jerry reads it]

Jerry: Wow, it actually says that anything Peterman wants to do that isn't explicitly prohibited by the contract is fair game. [Shakes head] I gotta get me one of these!

Elaine: Jerry! This is serious. I have a torn cervix.

Jerry: [Playfully wizened] As I see it, you have no right to complain. You see Elaine, when a man makes a contract...

Elain: Oh please.

Jerry: Let me finish. When a man makes a contract, he sometimes has...ulterior motives.

Elaine: Who cares about the contract, Jerry? I was raped.

Jerry: [Shrugs] Read the fine print.

[Enter George]

Jerry: Hey.

George: What's with her?

Jerry: Caveat Emptor.

George: Raped, huh? Yeah, that's tough. Try living with my parents for 20 years, then being bent over a table will seem like a vacation in Tahiti.

Jerry: What is the deal with rape? I mean, consentual sex is really not that hard to find. [George scoffs] Are we really that desperate that we're willing to force our penises into a kicking screaming mad woman for a few seconds of thrusts before we orgasm or have our nuts bitten off? Who are these people?

[The waitress comes over to take George's order]

George: I'll have a rapeseed muffin.

Elaine: Anyway, I'm pressing charges.

Jerry: On what basis? Lainey, I'm sorry, but the rape was good. It was a good rape.

Elaine: Aw drat it...

George: I'M LOSING IT!! GEORGE IS GETTING UPSET!!

Jerry: What's with you?

George: I never got to rape anyone Jerry! Why's Peterman get to have all the fun? [To Elaine] No offence.

Jerry: Keep reaching for the stars Georgey boy. One day you may even get to rape a real New York Yankee.

George: Aw shut up Jerry.

# ? Nov 8, 2008 15:36