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 I never thought that I would run into a film worse than Alien vs. Hunter. Today, I have been proven wrong. Sharks in Venice is a completely awful direct to DVD horror film starring Stephen Baldwin. Sharks in Venice is a film about a diving professor (???) who travels to Venice after his father (also a diver) goes missing while on a diving expedition in the canals of Venice. "The Man" says it was a propeller blade that killed the diving team, but Stephen Baldwin knows better: It was a loving shark, and he's going to find the bastard. Like most horrible films, this film fails on all fronts. I will attempt to break this down into categories to ease your suffering. Cinematography: Instead of taking us to Venice, the director of this film decides to use stock footage of Venice (or perhaps some other city with canals) and then "strategically" cut to interior shots of the characters inside buildings. When outside, the characters are shot from an extreme low angle, so you can't see where they are. On the few shots where we actually see the characters "in Vienna," they are obviously standing in front of a green screen. Editing: There was no shark used in this film. I'm just going to say it right now. And Jesus Christ, it just looks awful. The first shark attack is edited as such: 1. Shot of a diver in the water. 2. Stock footage of a shark, probably taken from The Discover Channel. 3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 with rapid cuts. 4. Shot of the diver moving forward out from a rock. 5. Shot of, and I'm not kidding, the same shot as #4, but played in reverse to give the appearance of the diver being pulled back behind the rock. 6. Close up shot of the diver's face, while "blood" appears around him. Almost* every shark attack in this film is shown the exact same way. It's almost as if the director learned about building tension by repeatedly watching those black and white Western films where the bad guy tied the damsel in distress to the railroad tracks, and the train quickly made it's way towards her doom. *I say almost, because one man dies in a spectacular fashion from a CGI shark. Sadly, this is the only occurrence in the film. If the director had continued this vision to apply to the rest of the film, I might have reviewed this film differently today. Acting/Dialogue: If you've seen any straight to DVD Stephen Baldwin film, you've seen them all. Baldwin stumbles through this film, collecting his paycheck as the one "big name" actor in the film. The rest of the actors deliver their lines with incredibly transparent attempts at Italian accents, all while offering opinions of the most idiotic caliber. At one point, Stephen Baldwin is diving in the water, complete with a full breathing apparatus, and continuously communicates with the boat using spoken word. This includes times when the camera is showing close up shots of his face, lips tightly wrapped around the plastic. Bravo, director. Bravo. 1 / 5 the fucked around with this message at 04:05 on Mar 18, 2009 |
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Mar 18, 2009 03:54
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