Zoofights 5: brutes fighting brutes in a world that couldn't get any worse

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Zoofights 5: brutes fighting brutes in a world that couldn't get any worse

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Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

May the peace of The Last Comfort abide here. As always the Thanatoic scriptures have words to guide us today:

"That is most dread which silently comes/
insensible, inexorable, driven by higher command."

The order takes a dim view of wagering, but so certain am i of Dreadnautilus' inevitable victory, that i set down twelve of our most potent Cure-All poultices in its favor!

# ¿ May 2, 2010 20:31

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 16:47

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

MrGreenShirt posted:

Just look at me. I would taste terrible. And you'd probably be quite ill.

# ¿ May 2, 2010 21:04

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

RaceBannon posted:

I'm starting to get antsy. We paid to see some damned animal gore here!

You paid to get- erm. Quite! We paid... good money, as i recall!!

# ¿ May 2, 2010 21:37

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Portable Haggis posted:

Oh god, am I doing this right?

You are in fact making the gently caress out of my day. Time Santaaaaaaaaaa! :keke:

Empty Sandwich posted:

Gosh, guys, I know it's a long wait, but the boss said 48 hours, so I guess it's just got to be 48 hours.

You know what I think we should do to pass the time? I think we should all have a glass of whatever liquid is in this great big ol' unlabeled jar! Whatever it is, it smells like formaldehyde and cinammon schnapps, and I think I see some skulls floating around in there! That means calcium, and I know that you humanoids need calcium for strong bones!

Name your price; sir, madam, or other.

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 22:19 on May 2, 2010

# ¿ May 2, 2010 22:15

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Fellow pilgrims! I had not expected to be alive today! Last night, i imbibed heavily of Gezora's many potent drinks, as well as our small, 9-marked sit-in bartender's! Combined with my Fraternal Order's daily devotional serum, i spent many hours in ~~systemic shock~~ a deeply spiritual trance state, and the following visions showed themselves to me:

-A long, extended tentacle silently ambushing BRUT-05 from behind and hauling him by the legs into a body of water.

-BRUT-05's defenseless pink upper half dripping and flowing like tallow in the devastating heat of sustained fire from laser, explosive, and railgun impacts in his area.

-Dreadnautilus clutching BRUT-05 by the assault rifles, and hauling him far into the air, furiously kicking at his opponent while his guns are powerless to come about, only for the hog to be released amidst a furious, point-blank salvo followed by a treacherous and inevitably fatal drop.

When i awoke late this morning covered in my own sick, be assured that my confidence in Dreadnautilus, certain as Death itself yesterday, has only been heightened to the level of religious zealotry my brothers and i are well-known for!

ALL HAIL THE BEAST FROM THE DEEP!!

E: Oh, and Gezora, would you possibly favor me with a bloody mary with a twist of liver?

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 22:13 on May 3, 2010

# ¿ May 3, 2010 22:09

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Major Failure posted:

Memories of the sea come back to him... memories of fighting leviathans with tentacles like steel cable, in the deep trenches south of Japan...

This can only end well.

The Hebug posted:

Oh somehow I missed that video. Thanks.

edit: I thought nautilus had eyes more similar to cat eyes. Like here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Nautilus_pompilius_(head).jpg

~~They've got a sort of figure-eight pupil. But~~ That's cuttlefish, nm.

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 00:19 on May 4, 2010

# ¿ May 4, 2010 00:16

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Admit it, all you jackasses who want to change or move this thread just want to make votecounting easier so you can "win."

# ¿ May 5, 2010 20:06

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Wanna meet that onion.

# ¿ May 6, 2010 18:18

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Well, i'll admit, i took one look at the lineup for that last fight, and i knew it would be too close for me to call. This one is no such case. My gut instinct, the strange religious visions i had last night after locking myself in a casket with a bottle of ~~absinthe~~ devotional wine, and the scriptures of Thanatos the Inexorable all stand behind me! I will bet this wide assortment of rich grave goods on ##The Sturgeon General

MrGreenShirt posted:

Gezora did not mean to be rude. Gezora was only wondering if it had to break out the funnel. Gezora is disturbed at how frequently it has to bring out the funnel. Gezora thinks maybe it should keep the funnel close at all times.

Gezora likes saying funnel.

Gezora mights be getting *hic* tipsy.

ah... Gezora... as long as you have the funnel out, could you possibly mix me something that will bring me very close to death's door and no farther?

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 06:13 on May 7, 2010

# ¿ May 7, 2010 06:07

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

LeschNyhan posted:

code:

...
Initialize systems check...
complete.
STATUS: stable.  Conducting further diagnostics.  TACNET
  upgrade/rewrite may be in order.
STATUS: Crash: worrying.

I'd like to say how enjoyable all your posts are to read. You rule.

# ¿ May 7, 2010 07:52

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

boatiemathmo posted:

Maybe you all missed the point where the Sturgeon, although committed, has had a somewhat disastrous record, losing all his troops in battle...

I think you misread that, it says he's such an authoritative and efficient killing machine, he killed the last of his own men as a disciplinary measure.

If that won't change your vote, you're just committed to being wrong.

# ¿ May 7, 2010 09:42

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

boatiemathmo posted:

I stand corrected on this point. Still... stingrays are not known for their discipline. It's surely a matter of time before he loses his rag and summarily executes the lot, and while distracted, some smashing occurs.

My vote stands

So as i understand this, you predict smashing, and you're wagering that it won't be caused by the contestant described as "6 TONS OF HATE, STEEL AND CAVIAR" in his description.

You really are committed to being wrong.

# ¿ May 7, 2010 21:00

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Cornwind Evil posted:

Could it be? Could the neanderthal have more intelligence than most everyone, including myself, gave him credit for?

Or perhaps he got the precognition that was supposed to be Snake Preview's.

# ¿ May 9, 2010 00:30

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Come to a storm, my money is on a fish before it's on a dog.

# ¿ May 9, 2010 00:37

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

My dread-sensing powers tell me this is when Nelson starts tearing poo poo up. GEZORA! I'M GOING TO NEED A DRINK!!

# ¿ May 9, 2010 00:57

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

What is this "powering up?" He's a fish, he doesn't even have to inhale!

# ¿ May 9, 2010 01:11

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Cornwind Evil posted:

The dog, Sturgeon, you may want to go in reverse to deal with THE DOG...

With the kind of sensitive ears dogs have, that mutt should be inside-out by now.

# ¿ May 9, 2010 01:32

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Shanty posted:

That inbred thing doesn't have sensitive anything. It looks like it's been bred for bear-baiting or something, I doubt even a thermobaric shell at close range would phase him much.

Now you're thinking. GEZORA, DO WE HAVE ANY HIGH-PRESSURE VESSELS OF HIGH-PROOF SUBSTANCES?

E:

Gomegoth posted:

He has a sensitive soul. And some of you jerks are really hurting it

# ¿ May 9, 2010 01:40

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

The death-dealing skill of lions and railguns is indisputable, but this fight i find myself compelled by ~~near-fatal alcohol poisoning~~ ethereal forces beyond my understanding to vote against my conscience. I'll bet my own diorite sarcophagus on ##CROCTOPUS - FOR ONLY 6 BILLION RUPEES!

HE BELIEVES HE IS BUILDING A BOAT, YOU GUYS. THERE IS NO MORE ADORABLE MOTIVATION.

GEZORA! I'm still waiting to sample a draught of alcoholic near-death! What do you have for me?

# ¿ May 9, 2010 06:26

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Locus posted:

I love you.

# ¿ May 9, 2010 08:15

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Shanty posted:

I think you've got things really backwards in your argumentation here.
The lions have clearly been trained for combat to the point that they can deploy and operate their mobile railgun using themselves as, haha, live ammunition. These are not your average lions, tactically speaking.

Croctopus thinks it's building a boat.

I think it's you who has his argumentation backwards. These are exactly our reasons for voting Croctopus.

# ¿ May 9, 2010 17:43

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

MrGreenShirt posted:

Gezora has been waiting for a chance to try out these souls it had in the back room. Gezora adds a little of this. Gezora sprinkles a dash of that. Gezora lights it on fire. Gezora puts it out and strains it through this cheap burlap sack.

Gezora is an artiste. Gezora hopes you enjoy your soul flambe.

Thank you, benevolent/malevolent one! Truly you are an artiste, and i shall sample your work post-haste!
The Plague ~~Bringer~~ Doctor slurps the drink through a complicated funnel and siphon aparatus, and lets out a droning sound that might be a belch or a death rattle, it's hard to tell with that mask.

# ¿ May 9, 2010 18:49

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

I can't promise that i won't be dead already, but if he'll accept, i'd gladly challenge GEZORA to an ill-advised drinking contest for the final round. I sure could use that gorillion dollars!
Not to mention i think Gezora deserves it more than anyone in the thread :3:

Also, ##Vin Diesel

# ¿ May 10, 2010 23:27

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Amateur Sketch posted:

Especially given the fact that he DOESN'T ACTUALLY BUILD BOATS, and merely thinks he is while he takes them apart. His many tentacles only know destruction, while the brain eagerly hopes to create something. It's this wonderful mad tragedy that makes Croctopus worth voting for, not any actual boat-making skill.

The fact that he has a large machine to dismantle (plus a pile of guard-lions in the way, to dismantle as well) should be a major sign of his capability in this fight.

You have put into words the inexpressable. This is truly the beauty of Croctopus. Whatever higher plane it is that the Croctopus perceives it is a nobler one than our senses could ever know. He sees through the illusory veil of violence and bloodshed to the pure, true zen boatsmithing at the heart of the universe. Now is the time of the Dalai Croctopus.

MrGreenShirt posted:

Gezora will take you on. Gezora will drink you under the table. Gezora is sure if you aren't dead already, you will be soon from alcohol poisoning.

As deep as i am in my ~~intoxicated stupor~~ holy trance state, i am unsure whether i am among the living or the revered dead. The object of our drinking contest must then be to discern which.

# ¿ May 11, 2010 07:39

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Ravenkana posted:

Bash Ironfist posted:

Uh, you're pretty awesome for the Terry Pratchett reference, actually

Edit: Upon further examination, you did intermittently forget to lisp. Whether that was intentional or not, you completely rule.

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 11:16 on May 11, 2010

# ¿ May 11, 2010 08:28

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Mister Sinewave posted:

"Don't bring power tools to a gun fight" is wise advice

More like don't bring your stupid, boring gun to a boatbuilding fight.

# ¿ May 11, 2010 19:15

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

If Croctopus dies because of his unsinkably nautical determination, i don't know what i'll do. :ohdear:

# ¿ May 12, 2010 00:57

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Gravitas Shortfall posted:

Bleeding from countless savage claw marks and missing chunks of flesh, the Croctodillian Shipwright is still just too much for the battered pride. With a heavy thump, a lifeless lump, they fall down, one by one. Croctopus has found the nails he needed - they were hiding in the lion's skulls all along! His simple mind filled with bloat-related glee, Croctopus waves his chainsaw enthuastically, the bodies of all his liony foes scattered around him

All but ONE, that is...

ALL BUT THE ONE THAT FIRST FIRED AT HIM. THAT IS WHAT YOU MEAN. < :mad:

> CROCTOPUS WINS AND IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE. :ohdear:

# ¿ May 12, 2010 01:03

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

I'm just going to leave these here and let The Oatmeal speak for me.

##Count Smackula

# ¿ May 13, 2010 22:52

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Co-sine posted:

Typing the combatant's names into google image search tells you a lot about them-

Smackula- Chicks on rollerblades, skulls, drugs, guys playing sports

Dolphin- a fancy watch, a mouse.

The evidence speaks for itself

I can tell you which set sounds like it could beat up the other, if that's what you mean.

# ¿ May 13, 2010 23:33

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

FakeHipster posted:

For a minute I was all excited that The Oatmeal posted in GBS, you bastard.

Sounds like you are more a real hipster than you like to admit. :iamafag:

# ¿ May 14, 2010 18:51

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Ravenkana posted:

##Count Smackula.

Experience is key here. To borrow one of Japan's most famous Zoofighting simulation systems, Pokemon, for just a moment, think of this fight as a level ten Dratini fighting a level thirty Raticate. Sure, Dratini has the potential to evolve into Dragonair, then Dragonite, becoming one of the five most powerful Pokemon barring legendaries and Raticate is nothing but a low tier pushover, but at the moment, Raticate's superior experience is gonna tear Dratini asunder. Just like Count Smakula is going to.

I noticed you don't have an in-character image, so here you go.

# ¿ May 14, 2010 21:51

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Grimdude posted:

I'm going to have to formally request that you keep losing, so i can see what Lesko turns into when he has all seven. It's nothing personal, for reals.

# ¿ May 15, 2010 07:52

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Heran Bago posted:

If anyone has a screenshot without aliasing/dithering of the two results screens when you get an emerald in Sonic 3 or Sonic & Knuckles, or a six-emerald save state, please tell me. Otherwise if Lesko collects them all I am going to have to legitimately get them all for a screenshot.

Oh come on, man up and go the awesome route.

# ¿ May 16, 2010 01:18

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

MrGreenShirt posted:

Gezora cannot help it. Gezora is hungry. Gezora is always hungry. Gezora will trade you the remains of the dolphin for, hmmm, it thinks 50 slaves would suffice.

Gezora has a plan for a new cocktail that unfortunately requires a living being to serve as a vessel. Gezora assures you it is not experimenting in eugenics in the search for the perfect mixed drink...

If it means I get to contain that drink, even only temporarily, I will heroically volunteer to be that vessel. I only ask to be remembered in song and story.

# ¿ May 16, 2010 01:26

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Not especially taken by this fight, but i'm still going to vote that ##Sting Kong is capable of killing something that prominently features "Pipes and stuff for not dying."

# ¿ May 16, 2010 18:59

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

BiggerJ posted:

I've been sober even since the Smash Gordon fight. I did, however, make the unwise decision of quietly placing a bet with a sentient mutated crow. Kraah Allmourner of the Endless Graveyard. Barrel of laughs, that one. I stood to win the Song of Remembrance - a class-Q3 memetic agent capable of summoning deceased consciousnesses. Well, being a crow, at least Kraah has a decent chance of enjoying the shiny thing even more than I did.

And hell yes I will have a Jelly Baby.

That's a cousin of mine!

Gezora/Bartender #9, this last fight has left me feeling far more despondent than usual. I seem to need either to abandon myself to becoming your sentient drink container experiment, or a drink that will make life seem worth living, even to a priest of Death. With extra nepenthe either way please.

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 07:05 on May 18, 2010

# ¿ May 18, 2010 07:02

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

##The European Onion will doubtlessly club the seal mercilessly. Shambling corpses, especially fairly small groups of them aren't generally a huge threat, but in this case the opponent is a loving seal.

Even without that major weakness, the power of the onion is extended by at least three other points that i can see:
-Twelve is apparently not the maximum it can control except at once. Feasibly it can control as many corpses as it wants, twelve at a time.
-Who knows what eldritch horrors are entombed on the Zoofights Arena Grounds?
-The Onion and the corpses overpowering odors are both likely to have an effect on the seal. Contrariwise, neither corpses nor onions are burdened with smelling the stupid mammal.

IT'S THE GODDAMN PSYCHIC ONION WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR VERSUS A SEAL YOU GUYS, THIS SHOULD NOT BE DIFFICULT.

And now some flagrant propoganda:
A VOTE FOR THE SEAL IS A VOTE FOR RAPE. ONIONS WILL NEVER RAPE YOU.

Gestalt Pie fucked around with this message at 00:54 on May 19, 2010

# ¿ May 19, 2010 00:45

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Bassetking posted:

Mine eyes have seen the glory

Of the terrible swift Seal

His opponents naught but tusk'ed husks

Like unwrapped Happy Meals

He will crunch apart his onion foe

With jaws of US STEEL

His fight is flipping on!

Gory, gory, It'll chew 'yer

This Allium is not a tuber

Glory, glory to Mirounga

Our Seal is Flopping On!

This is hella rad. Well done. :golfclap:

# ¿ May 20, 2010 06:49

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 16:47

Gestalt Pie: May 21, 2008; That's all that was in the cupboard!

Goddamnit Psychic Onion. Of all the corpses of fallen contenders in Zoofights history, you had to pick the biggest losers to reanimate?

If the Presidential Seal wasn't so absolutely repulsive, i'd regret anticipating you, let alone voting for you.

# ¿ May 21, 2010 02:45

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