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We've all seen them. Fantasy book covers that make you stop and say, "what the gently caress?" Covers that look like they were painted by the fat chick who runs the dragon/wolf/fairy art table at the local anime convention. I weep for the author who finally gets their book published, only to have an atrocity like these slapped on the face of them. So, let's judge some books by their covers.  Click here for the full 607x1019 image. Ah yes, the thrilling tale of a hero and his two ugly friends, on their epic quest to ride horses in front of a castle, waving a pennant that on first glance appears to be an American flag. I can't imagine this book reads as anything other than a D&D campaign written by high-schoolers, and the description on the back cover doesn't help its case: "Two hundred years ago the gentle paladin Procursus sacrificed his life to free the land of Vedette from a foul dragon. Now his descendant, Aitchley Corlaiys, has been chosen to restore the endangered land to greatness." Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of giving things names that have never been used before, anywhere, ever. You know, to make it unique. Doesn't "Aitchley Corlaiys" just roll off the tongue? "Procursus" as the name for the Ancient Hero of Legend has to be the most transparent thing I've ever read. Let's take a closer look at our brave warriors:  Matthew Broderick, the B-list movie actor, moonlights as Aitchley Corlaiys, the B-list fantasy hero. I hope he's better at slaying dragons than he is at booking good movie roles.  I always wondered what happened to Hoggle after Labyrinth. By the look on his face, I'd guess that his Thong of Insurmountable Binding is giving him a Level 4 wedgie.  Who the hell is this guy? If you're going to bring a dwarf on a quest, at least bring a buff, burly dwarf with a real beard an an axe, not this Joey Fatone look-alike wimp. Judging by his choice of side-kicks, our hero Aitchley ranks somewhere between LARPers and the bleached skeletons real heroes pass by on their way into the villain's evil lair. Let's move on to the next book in this trilogy:  Click here for the full 605x1021 image. Looks less like a party of adventurers going on a quest, and more like a group of renn-faire rejects going trick-or-treating. Why is the hot blond not wearing any shoes? If you're going to trek to a forbidding castle littered with impaled skulls, you could at least stop by a 7/11 and pick up some flip-flops. "Aitchley Corlaiys's powers are growing, and they have never been needed more than now. The brigand Harris Blind-Eye has escaped - with the lovely Berlyn as his hostage. He has stolen the mysterious alchemical necklace Aitchley risked his life to recover. He wields the magical shield of Aitchley's ancestor, the great Procursus. Everything Aitchley has ever held dear - everything that might lead him to the elusive Elixir of Life - is in the hands of Harris Blind-Eye." I dunno, but based on that, it sounds like Harris is the real hero here, seeing as how he's already got all the required duds. Aitchley seems more like a self-entitled douche who's trying to steal from a disabled blind guy so he can drink the Elixir of Life. Probably won't even share it, either. Douche.  Matthew Broderick was unavailable for questing, so they brought in Adam West from circa 1960 instead. For the record, the same person did all of these covers (credited simply as "Maren") so I'm not sure why the main hero has had plastic surgery between novels.  Our hero traded in Hoggle for something with tits. Typical scantily-clad fantasy blond, she probably gets rescued by the hero, starts off hating his guts, until she gets a look at his Longsword of Extra Deep Stabbing and changes her mind.  Nega-dwarf is back, holding his dagger like he's about to cut some bread with it. Apparently they couldn't find any clothes to fit him, so the hero gave him his spare extra-large tunic and said "gently caress it, just wear this. Yeah, you look good in it. No really you do, trust me." Finally, the epic conclusion:  Click here for the full 627x1005 image. Our hero and his band of lackeys turn to grave robbing to pay the bills. Seems like kind of a secluded place for a Lenin-style glass coffin. Was dead insect dude here expecting bands of adventurers to raid his tomb daily? Well if they're going to drop by, they might as well have a look at your dessicated corpse. Instead, they're ignoring the mummy and staring at something out of view. Judging by the Geiger-esque hallway behind them, maybe it's a BDSM torture chamber.  Click here for the full 654x452 image. Aitchley is now at his most manly-looking. Token love interest drops the pretense of even carrying an axe, and now clings uselessly to his arm. Nega-dwarf has a foot for a hand, but at least he found some good-fitting clothes. Well, that's I all I got. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg for terrible fantasy book covers, though. I dare you guys to find some that are even more ridiculous than these. To find some, try browsing Amazon's Sci-fi and Fantasy section or http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/ .
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Jan 27, 2011 03:35
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 Yes, The Color of Her Panties.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:23
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Anony Mouse posted:
Peter Dinklage in his trademark surly role yet again.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:26
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Hahahaha I can't believe they really used loving Hoggle. I thought it was some fanfiction Labyrinth sequel at first
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Jan 27, 2011 05:31
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henkman posted:Oh Piers Anthony, you weird bastard. I'll assume that bad scifi covers are allowed too, because who thought this was a good idea?  VVV It's true. If you write scifi/fantasy, there's even chances on whether you'll get a classy cover or a monstrosity. The publishing house has final say.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:31
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Anony Mouse posted:We've all seen them. Fantasy book covers that make you stop and say, "what the gently caress?" Covers that look like they were painted by the fat chick who runs the dragon/wolf/fairy art table at the local anime convention. I weep for the author who finally gets their book published, only to have an atrocity like these slapped on the face of them. Given you can download a free chapter onto your Kindle I'd suggest perhaps a glance at the sample to see if it's as much a horrible goldmine as it appears (my money is on unbearably awful unless this is some kind of parody). Though, in the authors defense (god why the gently caress, I know, but bear with me) I have heard that you don't get to choose your cover art. Is this true? Because I have always wanted to get into writing (when I believe I'm good enough to let anyone else read it) - and the idea that a story I write will end up with a generic loving Mr Sword and Helpless Chick With Boobs on the cover puts me off entirely. Needless to say, please do more of these! This would make a great Fashion SWAT.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:34
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Terrible? Or terribly amazing? God I love old sci-fi covers with awesome art that have absolutely no link to the story at all. I'll pick up based on cover alone.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:38
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 book synopsis posted:“Lords” asks this question, which become more intriguing by the day: What if the Cold War never ended? What if a demonic cabal altered history to feed off a hatred that could never end? And then kept Americans and Russians on the razor-edge of war for a thousand years to satisfy that hunger?
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Jan 27, 2011 05:47
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Does old D&D art count?  I have more if it does.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:53
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 book synopsis posted:Our main character, Julius Ironheart, lives in a world of violence and warmongering, a place whose rules go against his very nature. His entire life is a struggle between his temperate nature and his own environment... book is apparently about a cross-eyed asperger's patient.
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Jan 27, 2011 05:54
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What bewilders me is how some great books can have loving terrible covers. I'm currently chewing my way through the Honor Harrington series by David Webber, which are all pretty good reads. Not fantasy per say, but oh god the covers. After making a little more money, the second printing cover looked like this:  That's... better? But wait! This puppy just became a NYT best seller! Let's really make this thing pop!  (The background is shiney/foily) That's... the best we're going to do, isn't it? Don't get me started on the hardcover version.  
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Jan 27, 2011 06:00
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 the gently caress? 
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Jan 27, 2011 06:01
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thiscommercialsucks posted:
Reptilian inquisition?
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Jan 27, 2011 06:02
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 Theeee Spacepope This topic is hillarious. I agree completely on the Honor Harrington novels, they may have wandered off in the later ones but the first few are really good, while the covers are just plain horrendous.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:07
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 What the gently caress is that thing? (According to the file name it's a crocodile in a dress...) e: beat, but with more info  CSI:  There are no words.  Oh wait, my bad...
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Jan 27, 2011 06:10
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henkman posted:
All of the Xanth series deserves to be on this page. Thinly-veiled misogyny, gaping plot holes, and some of the most ridiculous cover art I've ever seen. If only I hadn't donated all thirty plus books to Value Village last summer.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:12
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Jan 27, 2011 06:15
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thiscommercialsucks posted:
You know, it could be singing at a space opera...
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Jan 27, 2011 06:16
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Disgruntled Bovine posted:This topic is hillarious. I agree completely on the Honor Harrington novels, they may have wandered off in the later ones but the first few are really good, while the covers are just plain horrendous. I mean really. Webber has nice covers for his other series, but I've been walking around campus with this monstrosity under my arm for the past week.  EEE HEE! Also, apparantly all the spaceships from this series are supposed to look like dildos.  
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Jan 27, 2011 06:18
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Lord Solitare posted:Reptilian inquisition? Certainly didn't expect that.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:20
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:Does old D&D art count? Does it count? It's the very definition of the style - absolutely it counts!
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Jan 27, 2011 06:24
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It's a little sci-fi, a little fantasy, but whatever. Speaking of D&D:  ‘Kjwalll’kje’k’koothaïlll’kje’k is probably a story about dolphins.  SPACE GYPSIES  I love this poo poo. I keep putting off scanning these, but I have about seventy of these sci-fi paperbacks with art that ranges from gorgeous to laughable. I found them on the apartment free table which is pretty much the "I'm too lazy to go all the way to the dumpster" table.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:28
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Vigilante Banana posted:All of the Xanth series deserves to be on this page. Thinly-veiled misogyny, gaping plot holes, and some of the most ridiculous cover art I've ever seen. If only I hadn't donated all thirty plus books to Value Village last summer. Ugh my gf was raised on Xanth books and has almost all of them. I managed to get through like the first 4 before I had to give up. Piers Anthony's "Incarnations of Immortality" series is a bit better at least. Has the best fantasy book cover ever for On A Pale Horse.  Also I hope authors don't get to choose their artists. I would never forgive Robert Jordan for forcing horrible Darrel K Sweet "artwork" on his fans for twenty years.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:28
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Um is it weird that I actually want the read the gently caress out of every one of these after seeing the covers. 
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Jan 27, 2011 06:31
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David Corbett posted:Does it count? It's the very definition of the style - absolutely it counts!  Then have a triceratops mage! I have my AD&D 2nd Edition Player's Handbook buried somewhere, and my AD&D 2nd Edition Complete Bard's Handbook and World of Darkness 2004 right on my desk if anyone has requests.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:31
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:
Dude's got a bitching claranet e:ahahaha the triceratops has leopard print
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Jan 27, 2011 06:32
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thiscommercialsucks posted:
Now I know where Stephen Pastis got the inspiration for his crocs. (For reference http://www.google.com/images?um=1&h...f&aqi=&aql=&oq=)
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Jan 27, 2011 06:33
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:Does old D&D art count? Oh, that's from the AD&D 2nd Ed trivia game. Back in high school I bought that, played it with my D&D buddies, won, and then cried myself to sleep because no one would touch my penis even though I demonstrated great proficiency (INT -2) in the game.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:36
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Jeff Wiiver posted:I cannot stop laughing at his expression.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:39
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Disgruntled Bovine posted:
I just started reading On Basilisk Station about an hour ago and the prologue was so poorly written that I put it down to find something else to do before going on. ("We're riding a neo-tiger here!") I'll go back in a bit but that was not a promising start. For thread content have this:  I had trouble quickly finding fantasy novel covers that were truly awful instead of just generic. The standard fantasy novel cover (as featured in the OP) has your young, generically handsome hero on horseback with his generically hot love interest riding through a generic landscape with a castle in the background. It's only slightly worse than the generic SF book cover which features the protagonist (male or female) against a generic SF background (alien landscape or technology depending on the book) staring off into the middle distance (see the On Basilisk Station cover).
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Jan 27, 2011 06:39
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tripwood posted:Terrible? Or terribly amazing? Don't know what this is doing here. This is awesome. 
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Jan 27, 2011 06:40
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A terrible cover for a terrible book by a terrible author: I can fire two guns, in two different directions, but I've only got eyes for you baby.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:45
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It's the year 3000 but god damnit, I'm bringing leather pants and capes back!
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Jan 27, 2011 06:47
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Rocketfish posted:What bewilders me is how some great books can have loving terrible covers. I'm currently chewing my way through the Honor Harrington series by David Webber, which are all pretty good reads. Not fantasy per say, but oh god the covers. The worst thing about those particular covers is that none of On Basilisk Station takes place on a space station. Weber used the old Royal Navy term of "station" to refer to a far-off posting for a ship. Covers for later novels in the series don't get much better:  or, if you prefer, the toe-curlingly bad version of the same cover:  Lets consider the interesting case of the Discworld novels. In Britain, for the novel Men At Arms, you'd probably have a copy with this cover:  And that's your standard wacky Josh Kirby cover, or the alternative, more recent, stylish  One of the American covers for the book:  And...what the gently caress? Even if the Kirby cover isn't your style, what would possess a person to go for psychedelic purple and black with a tri-section set of handcuffs, which don't feature in the story? I suppose we should be grateful that the publisher didn't opt to go for that cover with the guy petting a dragon while a dwarf tries to cop a feel from the boxom blonde. Oh? Really? They did? There's a wiki devoted to covers for Discworld novels. Some of the Russian covers are superb. The American ones...not so much.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:47
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:Oh my god. That man must be the best musician ever. For content, here's this, which i remember reading in like sixth grade:  Background courtesy of Henri Matisse. This is a fairly serious novel, too, from what I recall. That bard dude leads a rebellion or something.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:48
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Robert_Deadford posted:Robert_Deadford posted:or, if you prefer, the toe-curlingly bad version of the same cover: Robert_Deadford posted:
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Jan 27, 2011 06:53
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Jeff Wiiver posted:This is the most amazing, of amazing.
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Jan 27, 2011 06:57
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Prawn Salad posted:Oh my god. That man must be the best musician ever. He pretty much was, but wanted his music to be reproduced perfectly forever, going so far as to make magical artifacts, clones of himself, and to create new life and imbue it with a soul to play his songs, he eventually becomes a minor god in the books. All while being an incredibly self-absorbed douche.  Also at least two of his creations are on the cover, and no, dino-mage ain't one of them. I think thats the third book in the series, which starts with Azure Bonds. Thats right, tits and dinosaurs, with the most practical weapons and armor ever devised for the delight of 13 year old boys! Edit:^Did you just buy that avatar?
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Jan 27, 2011 07:02
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Disgruntled Bovine posted:
I'll have you know, the space Vatican has been working hard to eliminate this awful cover art.
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Jan 27, 2011 07:05
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Anony Mouse posted:Did anyone else see this pic and immediately think 
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Jan 27, 2011 07:06
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