|
I'm now finally too old to have kids. The pressure from family/friends/total strangers is finally off. I've never once regretted my decision. Beware OP - as someone posted above - people around you will treat you like a selfish monster. As your friends start having kids most of them will begin to think you are Peter Pan-refusing-to-grow-up and you'll soon have nothing in common with them. You'll also have to find a man who doesn't want children either - be sure about this one - I was in a few relationships where he said he didn't want kids only to find out later on he thought he could 'change my mind'. You dodge a bullet there because you really don't want someone who thinks they can change you - that your 'decisions' are as gossamer against their will. People can get really rude about it but just keep saying "I will not bring an unwanted child into the world"
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 14:59
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 01:52 |
|
|
I worry more about your boyfriend telling you to be quiet about something that concerns you, to be honest. I'm thirty now. I never liked kids -I don't hate them, I just find them mildly alarming (drop one and the parent will kill you, yet they always insist you hold them, despite your protests) and sort of..uninteresting? Imagine a plastic doll that's kind of ugly and smells gross, yet has to be cared carefully for at all times lest something terrible happen -thats about how I feel about kids. It's not that I'd neglect one, I just find them absolutely unrewarding, and the attendant responsibility terrifying. What has changed over the years is my mean attitude to "breeders" and demands that I not have to pay taxes for other people's kids -my friends have kids now, I'm glad they're happy, and am not prejudiced against parents, any more. I've grown in empathy, but not in desire to have offspring. (I might be less empathetic if my friends gave me grief about my childless state). A friend of mine, a clinical psychologist told me (I asked) that yes, it is perfectly possible, even amongst otherwise normal people, to have a kid and feel nothing, or resentment, or hatred, towards it. Not often, but it happens, and usually leads to kid or parents or both ending needing therapy. Sometimes there's nothing you can do, and it's just a tragedy for all involved. As luck would have it, my partner wants kids. Despite that, month from now I'll be a married woman. We discussed it, and pondered on it, and hashed it out this way and that (we've lived together for years, and always talked a lot), and determined that we ought to stay together anyway, because who knows what will actually happen with this hypothetical kid. Maybe I'm infertile. Maybe he is. Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe he will. Maybe we can reach a compromise -the tentative currently is having just one, and doing the birth in the least earth-mothery, most drug-addled and cesarean way possible, and have him be the parent who gets up at 3 am. While I still don't like babies, certainly not anyone else's, I must admit that the idea of his baby specifically...well, he is my very idea of awesome, and any human that resembles him can't be that unlikeable. (I like myself, but the idea of anyone else resembling me is just freaky). On the other hand, could be I can't go through with that. Could be he'll find that married life sans kids is good enough. And could be one day we'll divorce over this. We determined that for now, being together is so good that we ought to try our damnedest to stay that way, and it's ridiculous to throw away the great happiness we have over something that might not break things -and if it will, we still had this. I could die in a car accident next year and he'll marry again -why make self miserable now over future that might never come to pass? YMMV, but I'd worry more about him not wanting to talk about it.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 15:23
|
|
|
mr. mephistopheles posted:As a 25 year old male, I would say like 90% of the women that I know say they don't want kids. It's depressing, really, because I hang out with mostly very intelligent women, and that other 10% that want to just pump babies out like they're some sort of fetus factory are pretty much all dumb as hell. Sometimes more intelligent women have better things to do than have kids. Beep Street posted:Wouldn't happen. When you give birth a shitload of hormones are released that make you love the baby. I know this as I have a twin and felt when she gave birth. It is the purest, warmest, loveliest feeling I've ever felt in my life. See that feeling you get when you see cute kittens? Multiply that by a million and you're not even close. I do not want children myself but I know if I ever had one I'd love the hell out of it because that is how nature works. ...unless you end up with postpartum depression, then you just drown 'em in the bathtub.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 15:33
|
|
|
You can hate what ever you like to, it is a big world of free opinions and hey: every rear end hole has got one! (not that you're an rear end hole but more that we're all rear end holes, because we all are at least partly an rear end hole because thats where whe poo poo from)
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 15:35
|
|
|
demozthenes posted:Sometimes more intelligent women have better things to do than have kids. I never said they didn't have good reasons not to have children, it just makes me scared for the future because I know people my age who couldn't make mud if you gave them a pile of dirt and a bucket of water, and they're on kid three or four already.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 15:44
|
|
|
Not wanting to have children is fine it's a personal choice, but having a HATRED of children in general is pretty irrational.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 15:45
|
|
|
Hey OP I hope you're on birth control! May I suggest an IUD? They're as effective than surgical sterilization, and your boyfriend won't be able to sabotage when he decides you need a kid anyway, because he won't even listen to your thoughts now.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 15:45
|
|
|
Beep Street posted:Wouldn't happen. When you give birth a shitload of hormones are released that make you love the baby. I know this as I have a twin and felt when she gave birth. It is the purest, warmest, loveliest feeling I've ever felt in my life. See that feeling you get when you see cute kittens? Multiply that by a million and you're not even close. I do not want children myself but I know if I ever had one I'd love the hell out of it because that is how nature works. Wait, what?
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:03
|
|
|
HelloIAmYourHeart posted:Hey OP I hope you're on birth control! May I suggest an IUD? They're as effective than surgical sterilization, and your boyfriend won't be able to sabotage when he decides you need a kid anyway, because he won't even listen to your thoughts now. Many women who have never been pregnant can't use an IUD, it can be extremely painful, and they can cause heavier bleeding and menstrual cramps. Also I know that at least the older models aren't perfect (ask me why I have TWO brothers...) and if you do get pregnant with one it can cause complications. Certainly look into them, but don't be surprised if it doesn't work out, and always combine with an appropriate barrier method.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:03
|
|
|
mr. mephistopheles posted:As a 25 year old male, I would say like 90% of the women that I know say they don't want kids. It's depressing, really, because I hang out with mostly very intelligent women, and that other 10% that want to just pump babies out like they're some sort of fetus factory are pretty much all dumb as hell. Statistically, more intelligent, financially successful people have less kids by a good margin. One of life's funniest jokes. hepatizon posted:Wait, what? Real-life G.I. Joe cartoon here.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:11
|
|
|
I'm a 30 year old man and I can't exactly say I hate kids, but I have a strong dislike for them, and have no desire whatsoever to have any of my own. When I was younger, I kinda wanted them because that's what society tells me I need to do, but as I got older, I realized that they were a huge burden financially and socially, and really didn't want any. Kids just creep me out, the "breeders" love to tell me that it'll change when I have my own, but no thank you, I'd rather not even try! It really got solidified when I worked in a resturaunt, and saw parents bringing their horrid litter of children in, completely unruly, making huge messes (that I would have to clean up), and being loud and obnoxious It really made me thankful that my parents never brought us out to eat until we were old enough to read, comprehend, and order off the "adult menus." For every good, well behaved kid, there were at least 5 terrible ones. EDIT: mr. mephistopheles posted:I never said they didn't have good reasons not to have children, it just makes me scared for the future because I know people my age who couldn't make mud if you gave them a pile of dirt and a bucket of water, and they're on kid three or four already. I know I'm about to make a sweeping generalization, but in my experience, these type of people tend not to have kids because they really want them, but because they had a pretty lovely (to them) life, and want something that loves them unconditionally, and don't exactly take into account the ramifications of having children. These also tend to be the kind of people who get a puppy and dump it at the pound a week later because they don't bother training it and it still shits all over the house.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:19
|
|
|
The "partners" that dont want to have children with you are the ones who are planning to dump you for a younger broad once you hit 40. You will then remember fondly all those Internet guys that encouraged you to "stick to your guns". If your man doesnt want to have children with you, he does not see himself making a life project with you. If you dont want to have children and he does, he will eventually dump you and find himself someone else. Maybe not now, maybe not in the next 5 years. But he will eventually once he realizes he is wasting his time with you. I could sugar coat it or I could tell you different so you feel good, but this is the blunt truth. You face the truth or the truth will catch up with you sooner or later. Plain and simple.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:38
|
|
|
Sixfools posted:Not wanting to have children is fine it's a personal choice, but having a HATRED of children in general is pretty irrational. I agree with this. Sometimes they really annoy me, but I don't hate them or even have a strong dislike. I was one once. I'm pretty sure I wasn't as annoying as many I see around, but I got into trouble sometimes. Are you disgusted by other animals when they give birth? It's never pretty, but does it revolt you? If you actually hate human babies/toddlers/children and are disgusted by them, see a psychiatrist.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:43
|
|
|
OP, I'm a thirty year old woman who does not want kids. Like many other women have chimed in, there is nothing wrong with you. Like you, I seem to be missing that drive to procreate. I don't really like kids, or at least don't really find them cute. Kittens and puppies are far cuter. Sure, I might be a crazy cat lady someday. I'm fine with that. My husband has known how I feel from the beginning of the relationship but I wonder sometimes he is waiting for me to change my mind. If he decides he really wants kids, that will be the end of the marriage. Do I want that to happen? No, but I'm also not going to have a kid just to keep the marriage together. This may mean that you and your boyfriend may not be together long term, but why worry now? You are young, just enjoy your relationship for now.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:45
|
|
|
I've always been told I'd change my mind (by my mother) and I'm 37, it hasn't changed. I was, am and will be for the foreseeable future ambivalent with regards to having kids. Sure, they're cute and whatnot but I don't HAVE to have them. The ovaries don't start quivering at the sight of babies. I don't look at every child as some beautiful, precious angel. They're kids and some of them are dicks (and ugly.) But actively hating them? That's a bit... odd. Above and beyond the revulsion you feel when you contemplate having children, it might be a good idea to figure out where such a strong negative response comes from. Not to change your mind or anything, but to understand it.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:45
|
|
|
gabusan posted:The "partners" that dont want to have children with you are the ones who are planning to dump you for a younger broad once you hit 40. You will then remember fondly all those Internet guys that encouraged you to "stick to your guns". So if I don't want to have children with my boyfriend that means I'm biding my time until he gets too old/boring/frumpy so I can trade him in for a newer guy with no repercussions like car shopping, got it. Also every man in the world wants to have a child regardless of what they say and not having one is a sign of no commitment, even though people of both genders regularly poo poo out kids then abandon their new family. Brb, quitting Birth Control and inseminating myself so that our progeny will tie us together forever in *~true love~*.  There's so much wrong with this post, I pray it's a troll.I do agree if you're saying in his case it's a waste of his time as well as hers to stick around if he really wants kids. But that reads like a blanket statement, especially that first sentence.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:52
|
|
|
Iron Crowned posted:I'm a 30 year old man and I can't exactly say I hate kids, but I have a strong dislike for them, and have no desire whatsoever to have any of my own. I know several people (myself included) who felt exactly the same when they were 30 but have kid(s) now. As such I take all "I'll never want kids" absolutes with a grain of salt. I think a lot of people go through a similar process to you though. Getting over the idea that it's what you're supposed to do. Living their lives. Then they may reach a point where they decide they do want to have kids... or they might never. But the important thing is they're making that call in their own time on their own terms. I think in general this is getting easier to do as well. As for the most part there's less pressure from society to have kids. Although there are probably some places or social groups where there is still a lot. I also get the feeling from these threads that the social pressure to have children is much stronger in the US for some reason (possibly for religious reasons in some cases?). The idea, as I've seen in this threads and others, that people will see women who chose not have children as "selfish", just seems alien to me. 23 is way to young to be freaking out about this stuff though. If the idea of having kids bothers you now, just don't give it a second thought for a decade or so.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:56
|
|
|
Darko posted:Statistically, more intelligent, financially successful people have less kids by a good margin. One of life's funniest jokes. The lovely part is being a semi-intelligent person who wants kids relatively young (by today's standards). I want to have a lot of kids because my mom came from a big family and I think it's really cool watching the dynamics between them, and I want to start when I'm like 28 because my parents had me late and now I'm 25 with zero grandparents and only one living parent and it sucks when all of your friends talk about spending time with their grandparents and parents and all the knowledge they're able to glean from them now that they're adults and can appreciate it. So far none of the girls I have dated long-term have been remotely on board with this plan because they all have been concerned about careers and financial stability and whatnot. I don't blame them at all, but it sucks for me. I feel like I have odd priorities for the romantic demographic I fall into. I also find the idea of being a stay-at-home dad really appealing. Some day I will find my dreamboat take-charge breadwinner power wife. Some day.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 16:59
|
|
|
Sixfools posted:Not wanting to have children is fine it's a personal choice, but having a HATRED of children in general is pretty irrational. Yeah, agree with this 100 percent. If you don't want kids, fine. There will be social pressure, but no one is going to tie you down for ten months and force you to give birth, so you should be able to make it. Old maids and fun aunts are popular archetypes, so you won't be anything shocking to the 'breeders' so don't worry about that. Basically, it would be terrible for you to have kids, for both you and the kids, and that's fine. I don't like animals that much, and I get bored with them almost immediately, so I know I shouldn't own pets...therefore, I don't. I could never marry someone who had a cattery. That is fine, and normal too. However, it is pretty weird to HATE animals. Like, if I got pissy when I saw someone walking their dog. Or if I hated the way my friends share pictures of their loving cats on Facebook, like their black cat looks any different, or acts any different, from every other black cat on Earth. If I got really indignant about the way other people care about animals, enough for me to say YEAH I HATE ANIMALS SO WHAT--there would be something wrong with me. So, OP...if you hate kids so much that it actually makes you rage, you might have a weird thing going on. If you can deal with looking at babies, you just don't want one, you're fine.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 17:08
|
|
|
I was very much like you at your age. I really had no interest in kids, let alone having them. At 29 my biological clock kicked in or something and my husband and had our first child. I was incredibly nervous about what kind of mother I'd be. I had a really hard time coping for the first two weeks. I guess I'd built up a picture in my mind of what having a baby would be like. Since I'd never really been around that many children my notion was not based in reality. Once I got over that it became a lot easier. Heck, at five years old he's so dang fun I find myself wanting to have another. Note: Went to see a friend's newborn. I forgot about the baby smell. Babies do not smell good. People who say that they do are lying. I agree with Lyz, who said that having a husband/partner who is 100% supportive was really the key for me. Having kids has become an adventure and a challenge that we face together. Either way, do what seems right to you.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 17:17
|
|
|
Intergalactik posted:That is fine, and normal too. However, it is pretty weird to HATE animals. Like, if I got pissy when I saw someone walking their dog. Or if I hated the way my friends share pictures of their loving cats on Facebook, like their black cat looks any different, or acts any different, from every other black cat on Earth. Eh, for me it kinda reminds me of The Hamptons episode of Seinfeld Seinfeld posted:Carol: Is she gorgeous? (Elaine + Jerry looking away) Seinfeld posted:Jerry: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 17:18
|
|
|
I definitely know people who are in their late 30s and are super happy with not having kids, and you could totally be one of those people. But it does seem like a lot of this could be stemming from you having a crappy childhood. You say your parents hit you, your peers were having sex at 13, you matured faster than other kids... you sound like you were a frustrated kid who just couldn't wait to grow up and leave all this childhood bullshit behind you, and now that you're free of it you never want to look at another kid again. Which- on the one hand, that's fine, but it's possible that as you get older and put more distance between you and your own bad experiences, your feelings will change, and you might even find yourself excited to give someone else a better childhood than you had. Also, you seem to be thinking of raising kids in terms of the first 5-10 years of their life. Me, I do want to have kids, but not because I want a kid- I want an adult that I raised up to be a cool dude/chick.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 17:23
|
|
|
Its weird that you hate children because looking at your age and your anime avatar I'd have to say you still are one. Grow up.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 17:26
|
|
|
So you lived in a town so small that people knew your hobbies but didn't know you had a younger sibling and thought you were a whore for having a kid...?
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 17:50
|
|
|
No, you dont get it lady. The one who is going to trade you for a newer babe is him, not you. At 40, men still have options. Women dont. This is a fact of life you better face now. And not "every man in the world wants to have a child", many dont, and these are the ones you must be wary about. A man that doesnt want children is a man who doesnt want commitment, and no ammount of quitting birth control and getting pregnant will change that. He will dump you. For the younger chick. You can pray it is a troll, but it wont change what it is: the cold, hard truth staring you right in the face. You can look away now if you want, truth will still be there. And yes, your boyfriend will dump you once he fully understands you would hate raising his children. He might stick around for now while you are still hot to him, but he will eventually want to devote himself to a woman that would LOVE to raise his children. It doesnt matter if these are hypothetically children or actual children. Like the last message said, you better grow up and mature fast so you can make the right decissions in your life. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:00
|
|
|
It's ok you don't like kids. Many people don't, some of them even still get kids which often only gives therapists sometimes to smile at at the end. I'm not gonna judge you but whatever you do, don't get kids if you don't like them out of pressure or whatever. It's literally one of the poorest decisions you can do in your life.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:02
|
|
|
Do people really get told they're selfish for not having kids? Surely if in doubt about the whole procreating thing, it's only safe to err on the side of caution. If it turns out it wasn't such a hot idea, there's now a kid whose life you're busy ruining. I'm going to have to say people who have kids because they feel like it, or there's pressure or whatever, without taking the time to really seriously consider whether they're able to handle parenthood, are ridiculously selfish. That's not hatred against "breeders" -I know some great parents with charming kids -but against mindless ones. Also, sorry to feed the troll, but have the rest of you noticed how when someone's argument is something to the tune of "You can pray it is a troll, but it wont change what it is: the cold, hard truth staring you right in the face. You can look away now if you want, truth will still be there. This is fact of life", it pretty much without exception means they have nothing else to base their argument on except "because I say so"?
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:11
|
|
|
gabusan posted:No, you dont get it lady. The one who is going to trade you for a newer babe is him, not you. At 40, men still have options. Women dont. Oh, ahh, but what about this "MILF" thing that is all over the news these da--- oh wait
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:17
|
|
|
Hating children? That's pretty extreme to say the least. Given the tidbits you dropped regarding your childhood, you might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist because it sounds like there's a lot of stuff tangled up in your psyche. That isn't to say there's anything wrong with not wanting to have kids, especially when you're young.Shoe of all Cosmos posted:I have tried to speak to the boyfriend about this at least twice, and both times he got visibly uncomfortable and upset and asked me to be quiet. So no progress yet. This is a problem. Your boyfriend has this dream-- no, that's being dimissive-- an aspiration toward a picket fence and 2.5 kids, and unsurprisingly he wants you to be a part of that. Telling him that you don't want children is understandably upsetting, but refusing to discuss it isn't helping either of you: consciously or not, he's banking on you changing your mind or having an 'unfortunate' accident (and not marching down to your local fertility clinic). We had a thread here a year or so ago, with a woman whose situation could be yours in ten years. Her husband assumed that she'd eventually want children, and become distant, or argumentative when she consistently refused to consider having kids. Eventually she filed for divorce because they were irreconcilable. It's entirely possible that you'll change your mind about kids, sure. Planning and hoping for it like your boyfriend is, refusing to consider the alternative, is a toweringly bad move because he's only going to get more anxious about it as time goes on.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:28
|
|
|
I didn't like babies when I was in my lower 20s. I never even held a baby until I was 25! When I was 20 or so I went through a phase where pregnancy and children scared me so badly I stopped having sex entirely, which wasn't healthy for me or my then long-term relationship (we broke up because of it eventually). Sometime in the last year or two my biological clock kicked in and now I really want a kid, though it'll be a long time still (in grad school, in a new relationship, etc) which makes me a bit sad but I know it'd be massively irresponsible to have kids until I'm financially stable and married. You might come around to the idea, you might not. Nothing is wrong with you either way. Just make sure your partner feels the same way- there was a thread here recently about a dude in a long term marriage who really wanted kids while his wife adamantly did not, and it was very sad.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:35
|
|
|
OP's SO is poking holes in the condoms as we speak.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:40
|
|
|
Bieeardo posted:Hating children? That's pretty extreme to say the least. Given the tidbits you dropped regarding your childhood, you might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist because it sounds like there's a lot of stuff tangled up in your psyche. That isn't to say there's anything wrong with not wanting to have kids, especially when you're young. I don't think it's something she should see a psychiatrist about unless she is distressed about it and feels it's creating cognitive dissonance. It sounds like the OP has known she doesn't want kids for a long time, but wonders if that means there is something wrong with her, not that she wants to be fixed and be a mom. The only way I can see therapy being helpful is if any sight of a child makes her physically ill, or if she wants to be a mom but the thought makes her ill. The two most important things I see here are: 1. Talk to your boyfriend. If you don't want kids as much as you say you do (and he wants them), it will not work out and will cause you both heartbreak. 2. Realize that it's okay not to want kids. Just because wanting to be a mom is considered "natural" and "normal," does not mean you should force yourself to fit that mold. It sounds like you know yourself well enough to accept this. I know people on both ends of the spectrum - the ones who drool over babies and melt and the ones who hate holding them and don't know what to do with them. I also know a lot of people who have had long, happy, fulfilling, and great marriages without kids. As an above poster mentioned, it's likely you will get a lot of poo poo from your friends and family for not having kids. This doesn't mean they are right and you are wrong, it just stems from most of them not understanding how someone couldn't want kids because it's not how they feel. I also know a couple of women who only had children for the sake of their spouse. Those are some of the most unhappy families and kids I've met. edit: I reread this and felt like I should add a comment gabusan posted:And not "every man in the world wants to have a child", many dont, and these are the ones you must be wary about. A man that doesnt want children is a man who doesnt want commitment, and no ammount of quitting birth control and getting pregnant will change that. He will dump you. For the younger chick. OP, don't listen to posts like this. Not wanting kids does not necessarily mean a man doesn't want commitment. YES, there are men who don't want commitment and therefore don't want kids, but there are men who feel how you do, too. Don't be pressured into something if it's not what you want. If you are unsure, give it time; if it's a gut feeling, don't ignore it.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:42
|
|
|
gabusan posted:No, you dont get it lady. The one who is going to trade you for a newer babe is him, not you. At 40, men still have options. Women dont. This is a fact of life you better face now. And not "every man in the world wants to have a child", many dont, and these are the ones you must be wary about. A man that doesnt want children is a man who doesnt want commitment, and no ammount of quitting birth control and getting pregnant will change that. He will dump you. For the younger chick. It is true that women generally age worse than men and that there are more younger women who would date older men than the other way around for various reasons, whether for poo poo like money or evo-psych alpha male bullshit depending on what you'd want to believe. However, if that was totally the case as you said, terms like MILF and Cougar wouldn't exist. Many men of all ages like older women, and there's still a social stigma of borderline pedo/creep when older men date much younger women - usually because it is a glaring indicator of their emotional maturity. If that is your personal view on commitment, that's fine. If I wanted kids I wouldn't stick around with someone who didn't or who felt like a babysitter to one that I already had, either. But to say all men who don't want kids don't want commitment as well is retarded. There are a million reasons not to have kids other than not wanting to be tied down. I want to be able to travel the world with my ideal partner, to spend what money would go down the drain with a kid to be used for extra vacations,museums, seeing other cultures, exploring new hobbies, keeping ourselves looking good for eachother (which CAN get expensive. Especially for women.) The would-be kid's college fund could get invested into a nest egg instead to live richly together in our old lives. I'm also an artist on the side as it's my college degree, and I'm entertaining the thought of moving cross country, dropping everything and starting my career over. All of these are things that would be either impossible or incredibly irresponsible to do with a child around. The child comes first. None of that is possible in my current situation in a long term relationship with a man that has a child, but that is okay because again, the child comes first. While I am not financially responsible for the kid, I understand that my boyfriend is and that he needs to be there for her and provide for her both timewise and financially before he can for us. Now if you said marriage, you'd have a much stronger argument. For every guy who has a legitimate reason, such as not believing he needs a legally binding contract to love a woman forever, there are indeed other guys (and girls) who are simply not committing because they don't want to stick it out for life.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:43
|
|
|
There was a thread a while ago called "Destroying my marriage because she won't have kids" or something to that degree. OP married a woman who didn't want kids. Maybe it wasn't that important at the time, but he assumed that she would change her mind before it was "too late". Well, obviously that didn't happen. The following divorce seemed awfully bitter, and it became clear that this was not the only issue; the OP not respecting his wife probably affected a lot of other things as well. I can't say I was that sympathetic for him, but he was then trying to face the possibility that he might not get to have kids of his own because he'd spent so much time married to someone who wouldn't have them; instead of actually trying to build the life he wanted while he was young. That's not my dream (don't like kids, but if my mind changes I'll adopt and not insist on ~*MY OWN*~) but it was his, and it's something he should plan for.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:49
|
|
|
You can have a perfectly wonderful, fulfilling life without kids in it. Over the years, I've met plenty of mothers who say they would have been just as happy, felt just as maternal and have a lot more money if they had just stopped with a dog/cat/ferret/hobby. You do your own thing, lead your own life, and don't have kids you don't want. Children aren't the be-all and end-all to a good life. *If* you change your mind later, you do--but in the meantime, what worked for me when I was in my 20s & 30s and being pestered about producing grandchildren was, "If you'd like to pay for them, diaper with them, wash their faces and clothes when they poo poo themselves or puke, discipline them, sit up with them at night when they're sick, and spend all your time and money on them, you can do that, because I don't want to. I'll get right on popping some out and you can get straight to work. Deal?" Only once in a great while did I get the "You'll regret it when you're old! Who will look after you?" argument and I'd answer that you don't have kids to make them your caregivers later in life in some I-raised-you, now-you-owe-me-in-return gambit. Getting old and being childless does not equal a permanent ban from society, caregivers, friends and companions who look after each other throughout life. Can anyone tell I know what it feels like to come from a mom who didn't really want kids? Yeah.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:51
|
|
|
mr. mephistopheles posted:I never said they didn't have good reasons not to have children, it just makes me scared for the future because I know people my age who couldn't make mud if you gave them a pile of dirt and a bucket of water, and they're on kid three or four already. Wait until you are 30 and things will be quite different in this regard.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:52
|
|
|
gabusan posted:Bullshit This is loving bullshit! I went to tech school with a guy in his 50's who had been married to his wife for around 30 years, and neither of them had kids nor wanted them, and they were as happy as can be. I personally have loyalty to a fault, and I don't want kids. If I'm compatable with someone, I sure as hell am not going to leave them for someone younger just because I don't want to shoot my genetic material into her and make little Iron Crowneds (besides, I'm hosed up enough as is, who would want that?)
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:56
|
|
|
Kerafyrm posted:which makes me a bit sad but I know it'd be massively irresponsible to have kids until I'm financially stable and married. Okay, I get being financially stable, but how does being married have anything to do with it being less irresponsible to have a child?
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 18:58
|
|
|
Honestly, the happiest marriages that I grew up observing (and ended up basing my "successful loving relationship" models on) were ones with no children. Aunts and uncles, childhood caretakers, and longtime family friends that stayed married for decades and chose to focus on their careers, travel, or each other. I saw more adoration and less bitterness and nitpicking with these couples than I did in married couples with children - it seemed that they were constantly focusing on Mom or Dad's shortcomings with the children, or the kids' shortcomings themselves, more than enjoying their families. If your boyfriend sees his life plans involving children, then it's really not fair to either of you to wait it out and expect the other to change. See what his real feelings are on the subject (drag it out of him if you have to) and then move on if they are incompatible with yours. It's like those girls who end up with those guys that think "Oh, marriage is just a piece of paper and a shiny rock, I never want to get married" and end up crying five years later because all of their friends are married and he won't even discuss it...just work it out early on and decide whether or not your future plans mesh, stop wasting one another's time. PS, guys don't really have "more options" as they get older. If you've ever seen the creepy forty year old men hanging out in college bars and getting hilariously rejected, then you'd know that. (Meanwhile, the older women are trawling the frat boys like they were 18 year old hardbodies.)
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 19:09
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 01:52 |
|
|
mr. mephistopheles posted:Okay, I get being financially stable, but how does being married have anything to do with it being less irresponsible to have a child? Single parents seriously get the short end of the stick, even if they start out reasonably well off. I can see the logic.
|
|
#
?
Jul 29, 2011 19:10
|
|