Jozy's thread: He makes far post peels, near post crashes, runs down the gut alone,

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > Jozy's thread: He makes far post peels, near post crashes, runs down the gut alone,

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Vegetable: Oct 22, 2010

14 goals. They will be scored by his left foot, right foot and head.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 21:08

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 05:59

Crunkjuice: Apr 4, 2007; That could've gotten in my eye!
*launches teargas at unarmed protestors*

I THINK OAKLAND PD'S USE OF EXCESSIVE FORCE WAS JUSTIFIED!

He'll score 16.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 21:08

Shit Farm: Jan 10, 2013

Jozy will score 6 goals, 3 of them will be with his head.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 21:10

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi: Mar 26, 2005

Jozy will score 15 goals.

# ? Aug 16, 2013 21:10

Ewar Woowar: Feb 25, 2007

Nine goals for Jozy!

# ? Aug 17, 2013 04:26

Demon Of The Fall: May 1, 2004; Nap Ghost

12 goals this season for the handsome Mr. Altidore.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 04:42

vyelkin: Jan 2, 2011

Jozy loves to score. He will score seven (7) goals in Barclays Premier League this upcoming season.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 05:17

yo soy fiesta: Feb 6, 2005; Are you fucking shitting me, dude!?

Jozy will score 8 goals

# ? Aug 17, 2013 05:26

crappledan: Dec 17, 2009; Serious Title Contenders

12 GOALS. 12.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 05:28

puchu: Sep 20, 2004; hiya~

*winds down window* He's gonna score 4 goals. Lock it in. He's a marvellous player. Would love to have 'im at our club.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 05:49

TasmanianX: Jan 7, 2009; Just Kick 'Em

14 is a good number. Let's go with that one.

Half of them will go in the upper 90 of the goal.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 05:59

thompson: Jun 6, 2006

27. obv

# ? Aug 17, 2013 06:37

Aves Maria!: Jul 26, 2008; Maybe I'll drown

Pissflaps posted:

It might also be a cool place to launch increasingly viscous personal attacks against him.

You're quite right about this one.

14 goals for my man Jozy.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 06:41

Your Weird Uncle: Jan 16, 2006; Boneless Rusto Thrash.

pizzaman5000 posted:

*winds down window* He's gonna score 4 goals. Lock it in. He's a marvellous player. Would love to have 'im at our club.

this

# ? Aug 17, 2013 06:45

flyingkiwi: Jun 1, 2012; Wowzers!

He will score 14 league goals in the Barclay's Premier League

# ? Aug 17, 2013 07:58

sweek0: May 22, 2006; Let me fall out the window
With confetti in my hair
Deal out jacks or better
On a blanket by the stairs
I'll tell you all my secrets
But I lie about my past

13 Jozy-goals!

# ? Aug 17, 2013 08:10

sebzilla: Mar 17, 2009; Kid's blasting everything in sight with that new-fangled musket.

Nine goals for Mr. Altidore, please!

# ? Aug 17, 2013 09:33

Loving Africa Chaps: Dec 3, 2007; We had not left it yet, but when I would wake in the night, I would lie, listening, homesick for it already.

Four (4) goals

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Aug 17, 2013 09:48

ephex: Nov 4, 2007; PHWOAR CRIMINAL

I believe in Jesus Altiscore to net eight (8) goals in the British Barclays Premiere League Championship sponsored by Barclays

# ? Aug 17, 2013 09:57

pik_d: Feb 24, 2006; follow the white dove

TRP Post of the Month October 2021

Babby Thatcher posted:

Iggy Pop Barker's Soccer Sabermetric Shack

Hi it's me, Iggy Pop Barker. I know some of you are having some trouble coming up with some realistic ballpark figures as to how well Jozy will do in the world's top club competition - The Barclay's. Well, you might be surprised to learn that he has already participated in it in the recent past, for Hull City (no relation to the new expansion franchise the Hull City Tigers). I thought I'd give back to the Yohan Kebab community by offering some analysis

Jozy Altidore appeared in 28 out of Hull City's 38 Barclay's games during the 2009-10 season, of which well over half (16) saw him in the starting lineup, always as a centre-forward. He rewarded star manager Phil Brown's faith in him with ONE goal in the Barclay's, which averages out to ONE goal every TWENTY EIGHT games.

This might not seem like much to write home about, but of course soccer is a team sport, and many forwards offer far more than simply their goal tally - Emile Heskey to name just a few. So how did Hull City perform during 2009-10? They finished 19th in the Barclay's with 30 points, just one ahead (on sporting merit) of Portsmouth - a literal front organisation for an Angolan arms dealer. The previous year they'd finished 17th with 35 points. We can therefore conclude that Jozy Altidore is worth an average of -5 points to Barclay's teams. Sunderland avoided relegation last season by 3 points, so fans of the famous blackshirts should hope that other new signings can counter the famed and scientifically proven 'Jozy Effect'.

But you may be thinking at this point - hang on, Hull City weren't a great team in general, and it's very hard for a mediocre striker to thrive with sparse service. this is true. But Hull City in 2009/10 had many mediocre strikers. Let's take a look at them:

Caleb FOLAN

Despite being born Irish, Caleb overcame adversity to force his way onto Barclay's Official Rosters - first with Wigan and then with Hull City. A series of fallings out with manager Phil Brown saw him play just 8 Barclay's games that season (7 starts) - yet he managed two goals. This ratio of 1 goal every 4 games makes him quantifiably SEVEN TIMES GREATER than Leadfoot NikeContract. Caleb went on to make appearences for Colorado, T-Team (of Malaysia) and most damningly of all, the ROIMNT.

Craig FAGAN

Craig Fagan is loving poo poo. He's a poo poo striker and a poo poo winger. I'd say he's found his level with League Two (look it up on wikipedia) Bradford City, but he's been consistently poo poo for them and they've loaned him out because he isn't worth his meagre wage. Despite this, he managed TWO goals in 25 matches for Hull that season. Nothing great, but this lower league nobody is OBJECTIVELY TWICE AS GOOD AS JOZY ALTIDORE

Jan VENNEGOOR of Hesselink

idk he sounds like a prince or something. there's no dutch exception on the tories gently caress off flowchart. Scored 3 goals in 31 games despite being as old as the ludicrous feudal system that spawned him and not even particularly good in the SPL, which is like your Canadian Football League but there's no real bears so some of the men in the dark blue jerseys have to pretend to be bears on facebook and type LOYAL in all caps like 'The man who works at the offy LOYAL' and it doesn't make sense because grizzly bears don't speak in any human language let alone say LOYAL or use facebook (irlZaphod is the exception that proves the rule). THREE TIMES AS GOOD AS JOZY

with all this in mind i'd like to make my own prediction. ZERO Barclay's goals. FOURTEEN appearances, NONE OF WHICH take place after FEBRUARY. ONE gagging order restricting the press from reporting the circumstances which saw both Jozy and Paolo Di Canio leave the club.

After reading this post I'm going to reduce what I would have guessed down to fourteen (14) goals for the new american hope, thanks for your insight ipb

# ? Aug 17, 2013 10:02

MoPZiG: Jun 6, 2006

I predict Jozy will score 9 goals.

As tiebreaker, add that he'll get 3 yellow cards and be involved in 1 racial abuse incident(with fan or opposing player).

# ? Aug 17, 2013 10:07

Pissflaps: Oct 20, 2002; by VideoGames

MoPZiG posted:

I predict Jozy will score 9 goals.

As tiebreaker, add that he'll get 3 yellow cards and be involved in 1 racial abuse incident(with fan or opposing player).

Jozy is many things but I can't believe he's racist;

# ? Aug 17, 2013 10:11

pik_d: Feb 24, 2006; follow the white dove

TRP Post of the Month October 2021

Pissflaps posted:

Jozy is many things but I can't believe he's racist;

He could be on the receiving end pissflaps

# ? Aug 17, 2013 10:20

EvilHawk: Sep 15, 2009; LIVARPOOL!

Klopp's 13pts clear thanks to video ref

Jozy will help the cause of fascists everywhere by scoring four goals.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 10:28

Ho Chi Meeeeee: Jun 13, 2008; let me shovel out your brains
hang my image in your skull
so I can be the vision
in your nightmares from now on

gently caress it. Twenty (20) goals.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 11:06

John Nance Garner: Aug 16, 2012; Bring your bourbon and cigars to the "Bureau of Education".

Uhm, like 8 goals or something like that.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 11:17

Fat Lowtax: Nov 9, 2008; "I'm willing to pay up to $1200 for a big anime titty"

Josmer Altidore will fire Eighteen goalshots

# ? Aug 17, 2013 11:50

Enkor: Dec 17, 2005; That is not it at all.

13 goals for Jozy, but none of them against Stoke, out of respect.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 12:12

JingleBells: Jan 7, 2007; Oh what fun it is to see the Harriers win away!

9 (NINE) goals for Jozy this season

# ? Aug 17, 2013 12:18

Bankok: Sep 10, 2004; SPARTA!!!

11 goals for Jozy.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 12:27

sircozzie: Jul 8, 2011; Release the Meerkat

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Seven goals for Jozy this season.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 12:30

Feels Villeneuve: Oct 7, 2007; Setter is Better.

Jozy Altidore is twice the man he was at Hull City, and will score Two goals in the 2013/14 PL.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 14:40

Azerban: Oct 28, 2003

It's 3. Maybe all in one game.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 14:42

generally I prefer: Apr 17, 2006

Noted American soccer hero Jozy Altidore will score 9 goals this season.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 14:48

Knoddus: Oct 30, 2007; Born in a crossfire hurricane

Jozy will score 3 goals in the league.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 15:04

Pissflaps: Oct 20, 2002; by VideoGames

Knoddus posted:

Jozy will score 3 goals in the league.

I am sorry Knoddus but your entry was submitted four (4) minutes too late.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 15:11

Insanely Sikh: Aug 26, 2009; Winner, SA's Sikh Of the Year, 2013

Would hate to be Knoddus right now.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 15:15

ZHamburglar: Aug 24, 2006; I have a penis.

Jozy will score 15 in league play.
5 in cup play. gently caress the haters.

# ? Aug 17, 2013 15:21

Poonior Toilett: Aug 21, 2004; m'lady

Hallowed Turban posted:

Would hate to be Knoddus right now.

He'll never recover from this

# ? Aug 17, 2013 15:24

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 05:59

Hit Man: Mar 6, 2008; I hope after I die people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

He will score 24 and get that Gareth Bale :10bux:

# ? Aug 17, 2013 15:28

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > Jozy's thread: He makes far post peels, near post crashes, runs down the gut alone,

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