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Iggy Pop Barker's Soccer Sabermetric Shack Hi it's me, Iggy Pop Barker. I know some of you are having some trouble coming up with some realistic ballpark figures as to how well Jozy will do in the world's top club competition - The Barclay's. Well, you might be surprised to learn that he has already participated in it in the recent past, for Hull City (no relation to the new expansion franchise the Hull City Tigers). I thought I'd give back to the Yohan Kebab community by offering some analysis  Jozy Altidore appeared in 28 out of Hull City's 38 Barclay's games during the 2009-10 season, of which well over half (16) saw him in the starting lineup, always as a centre-forward. He rewarded star manager Phil Brown's faith in him with ONE goal in the Barclay's, which averages out to ONE goal every TWENTY EIGHT games. This might not seem like much to write home about, but of course soccer is a team sport, and many forwards offer far more than simply their goal tally - Emile Heskey to name just a few. So how did Hull City perform during 2009-10? They finished 19th in the Barclay's with 30 points, just one ahead (on sporting merit) of Portsmouth - a literal front organisation for an Angolan arms dealer. The previous year they'd finished 17th with 35 points. We can therefore conclude that Jozy Altidore is worth an average of -5 points to Barclay's teams. Sunderland avoided relegation last season by 3 points, so fans of the famous blackshirts should hope that other new signings can counter the famed and scientifically proven 'Jozy Effect'. But you may be thinking at this point - hang on, Hull City weren't a great team in general, and it's very hard for a mediocre striker to thrive with sparse service. this is true. But Hull City in 2009/10 had many mediocre strikers. Let's take a look at them: Caleb FOLAN  Despite being born Irish, Caleb overcame adversity to force his way onto Barclay's Official Rosters - first with Wigan and then with Hull City. A series of fallings out with manager Phil Brown saw him play just 8 Barclay's games that season (7 starts) - yet he managed two goals. This ratio of 1 goal every 4 games makes him quantifiably SEVEN TIMES GREATER than Leadfoot NikeContract. Caleb went on to make appearences for Colorado, T-Team (of Malaysia) and most damningly of all, the ROIMNT. Craig FAGAN  Craig Fagan is loving poo poo. He's a poo poo striker and a poo poo winger. I'd say he's found his level with League Two (look it up on wikipedia) Bradford City, but he's been consistently poo poo for them and they've loaned him out because he isn't worth his meagre wage. Despite this, he managed TWO goals in 25 matches for Hull that season. Nothing great, but this lower league nobody is OBJECTIVELY TWICE AS GOOD AS JOZY ALTIDORE Jan VENNEGOOR of Hesselink idk he sounds like a prince or something. there's no dutch exception on the tories gently caress off flowchart. Scored 3 goals in 31 games despite being as old as the ludicrous feudal system that spawned him and not even particularly good in the SPL, which is like your Canadian Football League but there's no real bears so some of the men in the dark blue jerseys have to pretend to be bears on facebook and type LOYAL in all caps like 'The man who works at the offy LOYAL' and it doesn't make sense because grizzly bears don't speak in any human language let alone say LOYAL or use facebook (irlZaphod is the exception that proves the rule). THREE TIMES AS GOOD AS JOZY with all this in mind i'd like to make my own prediction. ZERO Barclay's goals. FOURTEEN appearances, NONE OF WHICH take place after FEBRUARY. ONE gagging order restricting the press from reporting the circumstances which saw both Jozy and Paolo Di Canio leave the club.
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Aug 16, 2013 19:33
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tetsman posted:Since some posters will argue about player growth as demonstrated in the lovely Dutch league I'd like you to give us your interpretation of that phenomenon tia some things that are really good in holland also achieve success elsewhere ie the land of Barclay's. Others are Mateja Kezman, the sport of Korfball, Ryan Babel, the dude with the long name in my post above, Steve McLaren, and hardstyle. unlike most of the above, we've already seen Jozy in the UK. I'm sure he's grown as a footballer and as a person in the 3 years since he left, but given he was one of the worst regular players the division has ever seen, it's a much bigger leap to suggest he'll be any good at all. I mean, learning how to control a football is something professional players with millions of dollars and years of sponsorship from sportswear manufacturers generally learn before the crucial 20-23 age bracket. I might be wrong of course, just as it's entirely plausible someone will sign Eddie Johnson or Kenny Cooper and they'll be better than the team they play for's actual comedy mascot and/or the inanimate items of merchandise based on them this time around.
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Aug 16, 2013 20:36
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Your Weird Uncle posted:yes after one game everything you know is wrong *29 games one goal lmao
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Aug 17, 2013 18:34
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Healbot posted:I think it might be a tad too early to call Jozy a failure two match days in. he's Thirty matchdays in, Healbot
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Aug 24, 2013 17:27
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Dzeko displays more tactical awareness and timing warming up by the touchline than Altidore does in a month worth of games
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Aug 24, 2013 23:23
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Ponce de Le0n posted:looking at jozy play i think his problem might be that if anything he hits the ball a bit too well. love this graph. unrelated to jozy but this might be the final piece of the puzzle that lets me predict with unerring accuracy the Next Goal Meffod (unrelated to jozy because there won't be a Next Goal lol suck it up non-competitiveailures)
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Aug 26, 2013 21:22
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Sabermetrics Shack Update at Hull, Jozy played in One match in the prestigious Capital One's. He scored One goal, against Southend United in a 3-1 win. He was dropped for the next round, on account of his dogshit Barclay's form, and Hull were duly eliminated. From this we can learn that Jozy has a 100% Strike Rate in the Capital One's, and that his selection is the deciding factor in whether his team progress or not. If Jozy is selected tonight, he WILL score and Sunderland WILL progress. If he is not selected, Sunderland WILL be eliminated by the storied football franchise that is The Milton Keynes. Hard statistical evidence doesn't lie
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Aug 27, 2013 18:53
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Babby Thatcher posted:Sabermetrics Shack Update another 2 100% accurate predictions from me, Iggy Pop Barker. still a loving joke of a player, mind
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Aug 27, 2013 21:45
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Monday Bandele posted:Why didn't anyone give this much of a poo poo about Brian McBride reverse racism
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Aug 28, 2013 16:58
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he's going to take out all his frustrations on Panama and Honduras and then we'll see. then we'll all see. the half of both those nations squads that literally play in the Panama or Honduras domestic leagues won't know what hit them as £7m multi-millionaire Jozy hits them for upwards of one goal. They'll be going hog wild in the USMNT thread as the US celebrate their greatest 'victory' over far inferior resources since the My Lai Massacre
Babby Thatcher fucked around with this message at 01:23 on Aug 29, 2013 |
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Aug 29, 2013 01:19
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Angel Puddin posted:Reminder that Freddy Adu has been playing football professionally for nine years and is still only 24. don't write him off yet Brad Friedel was like 32 by the time he got remotely good
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Aug 29, 2013 05:01
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tetsman posted:I think Jozy has done a better job than former PSV star Lee Nguyen. i'd like to see them in the USMNT squad at the same time. substitutions are the only context in which anyone will ever announce "Jozy for Nguyen"
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Aug 30, 2013 02:45
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Chris de Sperg posted:
Rough break for NBC.
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Aug 31, 2013 17:32
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Di Canio to be out by the time Jozy returns from injury imo. Is there a 2nd manager in Britain that would consider picking him? doubtful.
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Aug 31, 2013 17:51
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potentially more bad news for Dozy GenerationAdidas as Sunderland look set to loan in a professional footballer who can sometimes control a football http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/23922927
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Sep 2, 2013 12:32
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for those not following the CONCACAF thread: Jozy came on as a late substitute tonight he gave away the ball for a Costa Rica counter-attacking goal he got a stupid booking in stoppage time, selflessly boosting the USMNTs chances against Mexico by making himself unavailable. USA lost 3-1 In conclusion, garbageman/10. they'd have been better off with Eddie Johnson
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Sep 7, 2013 05:23
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NinjaSteve posted:In Australia we call breakfast Ball-You-Food-Mouth testicles offer surprisingly little nutritional value, Steve
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Sep 9, 2013 01:41
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I miss when a USMNT international was the laughing stock of the Barclay's for everything *other* than his on-field ability RIP Marcus, and also Dimebag
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Sep 10, 2013 19:08
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Akinbiyi has More goals than all 3 USMNT stars combined. This is still true if you add Michael Bradley and Landon Donovan to the equation. Big Ade has scored more than All 5. drat. Looks like Jurgen needs to get the lads down the gym more often.
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Sep 10, 2013 20:51
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the sex ghost posted:Imagine bearing down on Big Marcus's goal when you get knocked over by the sound of a chugging guitar riff and the last thing you see is a flash of stonewashed denim when he collides with any onrushing attacker he makes them do a 'that lad from one direction'. that's right, they go Down With The Sickness
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Sep 11, 2013 03:13
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Wirth1000 posted:Maybe the next manager to come in when di Canio is inevitably sacked before November will get him going?? Maybe??? they'll get him going alright! going to whichever dutch club will cover most of his wages until May
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Sep 21, 2013 17:52
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reminder that at the last World Cup Jozy was objectively worse in a similar role than Rory Fallon of New Zealand (so had far worse service than Jozy from midfield) who at the time was 'starring' for Plymouth Argyle Reserves
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Sep 25, 2013 05:10
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quote:The United States could have done a lot worse than find a superstar in Altidore idk they could have found a competent footballer
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Sep 25, 2013 07:19
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well if he's going to be sitting down for around 90 minutes or so on the weekend he might as well do it in an environment where he can eat some nice spicy chicken with friends or family in place of some lucozade with Phil Bardsley and Robbie Stockdale
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Sep 25, 2013 07:38
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80085 posted:lol guys try to keep up we don't even know who jozy altidore is anymore we're all talking about the new "it" guy Aron Johansson they'll be fuming about this in the Icelandic Men's National Team Non-competitive megathread. what a traitor!
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Sep 30, 2013 04:14
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Pissflaps posted:It's amusing reading the contributions from Americans on the Sunderland message board about Jozy. lol this happened when Kenny Cooper signed for Plymouth (he was real bad) (prob our worst signing in 125 years). the US 'fans' were unable to see a single minute of televised Argyle football but were certain that if he was playing poorly it was only because he couldn't motivate himself to play at a level so beneath him. imagine spending hours of your free time bigging up terrible players on the forums of clubs you'd never previously heard of because they were from the same country as you, even though neither of you chose it.
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Sep 30, 2013 20:56
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vyelkin posted:
garth knows his stuff. vidic hasn't been the same since his injuries and now he's getting barry hayles'd by perhaps the worst striker in the division. sad to see.
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Oct 5, 2013 18:37
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imagine how many caps Chris Iwelumo would have if he'd qualified for the USMNT. he's old now but he'd have been a significant upgrade most of the last decade.
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Oct 6, 2013 06:26
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what if Leo Fortune-West had been American? would they be double World Cup champions by now? all the evidence points to yes
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Oct 6, 2013 10:12
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Crunkjuice posted:So because its USA that Spain faced in a FIFA competition it instantly becomes a friendly and means nothing. Cool, good to know. Looking forward to all the friendlies USA gets to play in Brazil this summer with you all! literally nobody other than the USA have ever taken the Confed Cup more seriously than, say, the European Super Cup or various national Charity Shield equivalents. American fans only retroactively decided it mattered the moment they went a goal up against Spain. Nobody has cared since, either
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Oct 7, 2013 03:42
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Crunkjuice posted:So the teams that are fielded in the tournament don't care? You legitimately are telling me that the semifinal between Spain and Italy this year was a friendly with this roster? http://www.fifa.com/confederationscup/matches/round=255207/match=300222468/report.html Or that the final between Spain and Brazil those guys just faked it so no one got injured? you can pick a strong 'roster' for friendlies and most countries do, so their players from different teams are used to playing & training alongside each other when the big boy matches come around. this is the main reason international friendlies have existed in the entire professional era. Man Utd send most of their first team out to the far east or the US every summer for lucrative exhibition games. by your criteria they're more important than the League Cup etc. Torres was a genuinely fantastic player when he won most of his individual awards. He's obviously been a shadow of that for a while now (still 10x the player Jozy is, mind) but I don't see what "excellent player stops being excellent" - something that happens all the time for all sorts of reasons - has to do with your bizarre boosting of the FIFA Contractual Obligation Cup
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Oct 7, 2013 06:24
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i'm reliably informed by my extensive network of ITK sources that by signing Jozy - an Adidas athlete - into a league that is getting a big push at the moment in American markets they got a nice deal on Italian international Emanuele Giaccherini - also an Adidas athlete - who would normally be coveted by several clubs at least somewhat better than loving Sunderland. Sad to see Jozy being made a puppet of Big Shoeshop, i'm sure Adidas will make some money in the short term but is it right for Altidore to have his reputation destroyed when he could be playing perfectly well for a decent wage in Holland, Scotland or Luxembourg? I'm not so sure it is #askquestions
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Oct 7, 2013 16:26
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in not hiring Tony Pulis, Sunderland have blocked off the last possible route to Jozy scoring an unprecedented 3 or 4EPL goals
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Oct 8, 2013 13:06
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Total Meatlove posted:Jaap Stam you mug one that could be good without performance enhancers?
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Oct 8, 2013 20:29
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Knoddus posted:I just played co-op fifa as the US and Jozy scored a world-class header against Hoffenheim, playing the rest of the game like his usual poo poo, fat self. have you reported this bug to EA?
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Oct 9, 2013 07:04
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Von Linus posted:They did follow Gazza a bit when he was playing for Lazio, but that was because he was a) interesting and b) good at football. that wasn't The Premier League itself though was it, it was C4 buying the rights to show and package Serie A football. I'd imagine the last thing the The Prestigious English Barclay's would ever do is big up La Liga, the Bundesliga etc because there happened to be an Englishman playing in it. what MLS are doing doesn't even work as a 'look at how well the talent our less famous league helped produce' thing because, well, it's Jozy loving Altidore. The more they hype him when there are actual talented american players around the more damage they do their own league's 'brand' (ugh) because someone whose job is to develop the brand of sports shoe manufacturers decided he was marketable when he was 17 or w/ever Imagine if the FA or Prem/Football League just kept hyping Cherno Samba for a decade after he was a credible prospect, and loads of English fans trawled the internet telling the actual regulars at the pub he plays for that actually he's brilliant, actually, and it's his teammates fault and he scores loads of goals in his back garden (It Is A CONCACAF Analogy) and then shoehorning in bizarre pleas for all the pub leagues to be moved to American Football stadiums because reasons. That's MLS. That's MLS fans. Let Jozy Fail ffs, it's just cruel at this point
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Oct 18, 2013 00:22
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Shrapnac posted:Yeah, the weird thing is all of the Americans who refuse to watch their domestic league, especially when the matches quite literally never clash with times of matches in their favorite European league. maybe they attended a game in person and were scared off forever by a capo shouting at them for not correctly Enjoying The Game or raising their section of the tifo that depicts all the players as joss whedon characters at the correct moment
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Oct 19, 2013 00:30
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I'd want my national government to shut down if its team was as bad as the USMNT. If you give Jozy 63 caps by the age of 23 (!) you're a failed state in all but name anyway.
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Oct 19, 2013 20:39
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oh em gee bee ess posted:Why the hell do the Americans give so many caps to people? I mean poo poo doesn't Landon Donovan have something ridiculous like 150+ caps? if you play Honduras 5 times you get the same amount of experience points as playing against Ukraine or Switzerland once. the USMNT are going to level up any time now
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Oct 20, 2013 00:18
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looks like Jozys days as a star of his national team might be numbered - the young lad Giuseppe Rossi, from New Jersey, scored a brilliant hat-trick to turn Fiorentina's 0-2 deficit into a 4-2 win. He's the future of the USMNT whilst Jozy is a sad reminder of its shameful past.
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Oct 20, 2013 17:49
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