Jerry Cotton posted:

yeh charlemagne's son who was just a spine and a butt dressed in a large glove wasn't a very popular king but man could his butt play the scrotepipes.

nullEntityRNG posted:

You. Yes you. In a billion years no one will remember your name. In a billion years no one will remember your legacy. In one billion years, all the triumphs, no matter how large or small, means nothing. In a billion years, the trials, tribulations, the challenges you faced will ebb away in the sands of time. You know this. They know this. Your loved ones will know this. You. You are an insignificant collection of simple carbon-chains mindlessly stumbling through a universe that cares 0% about you. You blink in and out of existence in a mere instant in the grand scheme of this place. Not just you though, everyone. Every being you will meet and have met will suffer this same fate. They are doomed to the future of being forgotten forever.

Except hitler.

The Walking Dad posted:

Way to go local thrift shop. My neighbor is the head of the NAACP in northern Minnesota and he is not pleased.

Parallax Scroll posted:

Should have done 3/5 price

THE JORY posted:

Requesting the story of the goon who went to a crush's party and then tried to call her later after thinking about it for ever. I think he yells "YOU oval office" at her and gets punched by her boyfriend. TIA

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I think that's the one where, upon seeing the crush and her boyfriend the next day at the mall, yells "You motherfucking…uncle funk!" at them before running full-tilt boogie at the guy and getting laid out with a "punch to his tummy"

quote:

Buying-Bid posted:

Two days ago (sunday night) I cried myself to sleep. This girl (I will refer to her as Sarah) I have been obsessed with since 3rd grade threw a birthday party on saturday, it was a pretty casual house party, so people brought friends along, of course I was not invited (no girl would ever invite me to a party), but my friend asked me to come along, and of course I jumped at the opportuinity.

Around an hour into the party, it happened that me and Sarah were alone in the kitchen while others danced and talked in the living room. I was there to get a drink, and when I came in and saw her by the fridge, a deep shocking, sinking feeling almost paralysed me with fear, as I just stood there staring at her for about 5 seconds (I am absolutely TERRIFIED of females, especially Sarah, I had no idea she would be in there alone). When she looked at me I quickly glanced away in shame. After about 10 awkward seconds of me staring at the floor and her standing there awkwardly, she finally spoke.

"Uh, hi, you're frank, right?"
"No. Francis."
"Oh, but it's frank for short, right?"
"No."
"Sorry, I must have you confused with someone else."

I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Want a drink?"
"Yeah. Thanks.

She handed me a beer.

"I'M STRAIGHT EDGE!!"

I just tried to tell her I was straight edge (and therefore didn't drink), but I was so nervous when she approached me physically that it came out in what sounded like a confontational shout which totally wasn't what I intended.

"Sorry, uh there's a diet pepsi if you like"
"I don't drink diet soft drinks, they are carginogens."
"Oh.."

I couldn't stand the fear of being near her any more, so I scurried away and (again in that nervous shout) blurted out "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" and heard her say "thanks" as I walked back into the living room, up the stairs and into the bathroom where I literally collapsed and started shivering on the floor with fear, tears came from my eyes. After about 5 minutes of just lying there I composed myself and went downstairs again. For the rest of the party I pretty much avoided her and talked with some people I knew.

When me and my friend got back home to my house and played a little PS2 for about half an hour, he left and I said bye. It was at this point I realised he had left his cell phone. As I was about to call him to tell him, it suddenly struck me that he probably had Sarah's number on his phone. I literally sat there for 45 minutes shivering with both anticipation and fear as I saw the number across the screen, begging me to call.

Simple. I'd just call her up, apologise for the awkwardness and ask her if she wanted to get coffee some time. The only problem was this was about the scariest thing imaginable. I felt my body ache with fear as I tried to press the "CALL" button on the cell phone several times but was too scared. I got a disconnecting feeling as if none of this was actually happening to me, like maybe it was all a dream. When I finally got the courage to call, my heart raced as I heard the dial tone.

"Hello?"
"Hey, sorry about earlier, I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee some time ?(WHAT THE gently caress was I thinking??)"
"Sorry, who is this calling?"

I (stupidly) hadn't anticipated she would ask who it was. the question caught me totally off guard. I thought of just saying my name, or giving a fake name, or shouting out "your worst loving nightmare", or avoiding the question, and a host of other ideas over the course of about 5 seconds. I was too stunned to even reply.

Another 5 seconds of silence.

"Are you still there?"
"Yeah...sorry, I.. it's"
"Oh, Francis right?
I was silent again
"Sorry yeah, I - I'm pretty busy lately but maybe- uh I'll call you another time if i get time to go out uh (I could regognize that she had no intention of calling me), what's your number?"
I gave her my number.
"Ok, well bye!"
"Bye."

As I hung up and put the phone down, the realization of what had just happened hit me like a wrecking ball, I collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep with exaustion. About 5 minutes later I get a call.

"Hello?"
A male voice.
"Is this francis?"
"Yeah uh who is this?"
"I'm just calling to give you a friendly warning, stay away from Sarah, okay? She's my girlfriend, and she has no interest in you whatsoever, you're a creep."

The realization and jealousy that she had a boyfriend, coupled with the shock and unexpectedness of this call filled me with rage.

"gently caress YOU YOU MOTHER F-UNCLE FUNK" I stuttered incomprehensibly with rage.
"Man you're hosed up in the head aren't you. I'm WARNING you, stay away."

He hung up.

I literally let out a massive scream of both sadness jealousy anger and fear that gripped my entire body. I went to bed and got about 2 hours of sleep.

The next (sunday) morning, I got up feeling like absolute poo poo. As I always do to when I feel terrible, I force myself to walk outside, go to the mall (5 min walk) where there are lots of people, and buy something or run into someone I know. I couldn't find anyone I knew, so I bought a milkshake and walked out the front enterance, where I saw something that made my heart skip.

Sarah and some guy (probably her boyfriend?) walking into the mall. I saw her glance with shock at me and quickly look away trying to make it seem as if she hadn't noticed me. I rushed towards her.

"SARAH!" I shouted

Her boyfriend turned around with shock and saw me.

"ARE YOU FRANCIS?" he asked angrily.

I stood there staring.

"Get out of here man, we don't want anything to do with you, understand?"

"gently caress YOU, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY!"

As a rage overcameme me, I rushed forward and threw my milkshake as hard as I possibly could at the bastard, totally missing him and tripping over myself in the process. What happened next was the worst feeling I had ever felt.

Sarah stood there laughing at me. The expression on her beautiful face, half disgust half laughter made me feel terrible like I never imagined I could. I hated her guts at that moment.

"YOU oval office!" I yelled.

Her eyes widened, even her boyfriend looked shocked and the three of us stood there staring for maybe 5 seconds.

"YOU MOTHER loving oval office!!" I yelled as I rushed at her. She made made me feel so terrible it physically hurt in my stomach. I was about to loving attack her. I couldn't believe it. It was like some force was controlling me and like I had no control at all. God loving drat I'm stupid when I'm angry and upset. Before I could reach her, her boyfriend grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me to the ground.

"JUST GET OUT OF HERE YOU loving WEIRDO AND BE THANKFUL I DONT loving KILL YOU!!"

I rushed for him with every ounce of anger and strength in my body and groaned as his fist connected with my tummy, winding and incapacitating me. He stared for a second, as if he hadn't expected me to be so easily beaten, before he and Sarah both ran off in a panic. I knew there was no way I could take him, and that he probably went to go get security. These facts, coupled with my crippling social awkwardness and the fact that people all over were staring at me like some kind of freak caused me to run home, totally defeated, clutching my tummy.

That night I considered suicide. My parents aren't home until next week and I felt an aching loneliness. I never went through with it, but have been left crippled emotionally. I havn't gone to school either today or yesterday. My parents will kill me when they get home. I'm a loving failure of a human being.

Borky posted:

A loose female acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for her and bring it over in the afternoon. "Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I'll help you, I'm all yours," I tell her. She sends me this file and lo and behold I can't open it. It's made in Microsoft Publisher and I don't have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.

I finally come up with an idea and I tell the girl, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to her house, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to her a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.

By the time I get there, I'm wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering her room (my first time in a girl's bedroom) are some panties on her bed.

After the initial shock of seeing such a horrific sight for the first time, I setup the printer and get my job done. However, I did consider sniffing the lingere when she left the room once, but with the wuss that I am, I just ended up staring at them the whole while. That was a sarcastic joke for those of you too stupid to realize that

To make a long story short, just as I was finishing up with the printing job (which was hefty), her boyfriend and his gay friend walk in, say hello, and begin hanging out in the room as they waited for the girl to finish this work so they could go to the mall.

This effectively ruins my chances of getting a hug and I walk another 2 miles home with the motherfucking printer in hand. The only thing that I got out of this were some very painful fingers and a "thanks" as I walked out her bedroom door.




So, am I pathetic for doing all these things? It wouldn't be the first time I've pledged my heart and soul to a girl and gotten back almost nothing in return. I would hate turning her or anyone else I knew down or making up some lie.

Brasseye posted:

Does anyone have the old post where a goon gets into a fight with multiple people and one of them says 'that kid... is inhuman!'

quote:

This troper took a few levels when, after years of being a Woobie so pitiful Shinji would say what the heck is wrong with you, I had enough of a girl I liked always going for this tall, blond guy. When they were talking right in front of me in the street and holding arms and talking and all that, I said, "Shut. The. Hell. Up." The boy looks around and walks over, trying to look menacing. Martial arts studies come in. I take a punch to the forehead and then slide under and punch him in the stomach, he goes backwards and I land another one to his face. I then go berserk and full body tackle him. He managed to crawl away, and say, "That kid...is inhuman!" Another level was taken when I knocked a knife out of Joseph Stubb's hand

President Ark posted:

would it help if i started a giant circlejerk about how much funnier gbs 2.1/1.2/1.3/whatever is so much funnier and cleverer and more original than gbs 1.0 while also unironically making the same 3 jokes over and over forever while 20 people with giant anime signatures emptyquote a post whose only text is "*farts*"

het posted:

gently caress off, No Your Other Left

HUNDU THE BEAST GOD posted:

He's literally every man.

Superrodan posted:

He should marry Chaka Khan.

Dauntasa posted:

I'm not gay but i can appreciate a good dick when I see one.

Meaty and thick. Hard, yet supple. Like the branch of a mighty oak tree. A pure, hot rod of masculine power. Is it homosexual to appreciate something so quintessentially male? I think not. On many occasions I have been forced to explain the presence of thousands of high res close up penis pictures on my computer, each with a label and code giving it its own place in my classification system, and each time they seem to find it hard to believe that my interest in them is in no way sexual. I am a connoisseur. I would not stimulate myself in their presence. My own modest phallus has no place being brought out in the presence of such majestic specimens. It is not my place to compete. I want only to study and admire the penises. To me, they are art.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

this is such a pathetic concept im having trouble distinguishing what is real and what is false, the thin veneer of this universe is sloughing away like snakeskin to reveal the vast homo machinery underpinning the concentric circles in which we move

Call Me Abey posted:

also, since BroJo for some reason thought it was in his intellectual capability to take me to task for "gassing" a thread that I didn't actually gas:

hey dude, that OP was terrible. i also think it's great that the thread got good traction when it got reposted!

but since the soup du jour is "What Makes Moderators Terrible": Dude, loving really? How many times in the mod forum were you begged by the other moderators to loving STOP FREAKING OUT ABOUT IMAGE MACROS

like yes, you were being made fun of by everyone because of how stupid the forum was, but you moderated in a way that made you a poster child for Bad Decisions! you were petty without purpose, irrational, lacked any sense of self-preservation or humor, and constantly tried to challenge posters who were vastly more intelligent/witty than you were, then used your stupid blue star to win fights that you yourself started

the IRL detective poo poo was really dumb, and i hated the fact that i had to defend some of your awful decisions BECAUSE of you being harassed in that fashion. but you took all of the good will, advice and trust some of the decent mods provided you, and did generally everything that all the posters in the past 10 pages of this thread have complained about and make SA at large worse because of it.

the only reason you weren't banned for either of your ineffectual & impotent "LOOK THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW BAD THE MODS ARE" posts thus far is because we (the mods and posters) are having have a good laugh at determined you are at sinking to new lows. yes, you were dumped out because everyone was tired of dealing with you, but it wasn't some vast conspiracy or thin blue line you crossed: it's because you were a loving terrible moderator

but hey, feel free to continue digging up other chestnuts from the QCS forum to make yourself the Khad of 2014

Brother Jonathan posted:

You thought that the OP was terrible, yet it got good traction when it was reposted? You don't see the problem?

Also, who did gas the thread?


Your memory is bad. Others mods were never "begging" me to stop freaking out about image macros. I do remember some mods begging me to gas the thread because they didn't think that memes or macros should be posted anywhere in the gray forums. I argued that there is no problem with setting aside a single thread for that as long as it stays in that thread.

The problem with trying to use mod forum posts in an argument in the regular forums is that neither of us can post them to prove our points. People who aren't mods have to take us at our word, and that means that no one's mind will be changed.


By "used your stupid blue star to win fights that you yourself started," you sound like you want to continue that argument that you and I were having in the mod forum the moment I was demodded, as that is the only time you complained to me about my modding. Here is the post that got you so angry at me, from the Quick Forums Questions thread:


You were livid at what you said was a gross abuse of mod power when I mentioned that the poster made lots of reports for derailing while complaining about people who make reports for derailing. I still say you're wrong, Abe.


I did everything people have complained about in the past 10 pages? I gassed popular threads with no reason given? Name one.


Which "LOOK THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW BAD THE MODS ARE" post are you talking about? I do have a problem with decisions by a couple of the admins, but the only mod I complained about was you. Apparently that was a bridge too far. Unlike most people in this thread, I happen to think that the moderation of this site is excellent, and working as a moderator has given me new respect for the kind of poo poo that they have to deal with. I've just never liked your moderation style, and that's long before I became a mod, as it seemed too arbitrary, opaque, and heavy-handed.


I just noticed that you have barely capitalized anything in this post, unlike your others. Holy poo poo, I really pissed you off, didn't I? I expected that my post on that old QCS thread would annoy you, but I wasn't expecting you to come back with wild swings at my entire time as a mod like you did, especially as none of it is relevant to how you are modding GBS.

Fistgrrl posted:

Remember when I spared your feelings and wouldn't tell you why I demodded you? I demodded you because of YOU. Jesus Christ, SHUT UP.

no1curr

Penguingo posted:

NecroMonster posted:

someone should for real troll TED talks by just getting up and galting them all to see how long/how many people leave or how many of them clap and nod their heads like loving idiots

Irish Joe posted:

Coulsen: So it was all your work!

Trast posted:

Wow. So Secret. Many conspiracies.

scary ghost dog posted:

I've had a real problem with my social life recently. Somehow, through watching too many Let's Plays and similar videos, I've begun habitually commentating on video games. I realized this in an epiphany when I was playing Mario Kart: Double Dash with my sister's boyfriend. He was destroying me in the Special Cup, which was really embarrassing because I like to think that's my best Cup. Anyway, because he was beating me so soundly, I was able to distract myself from the screen and notice that I had been talking almost nonstop since we started playing.

I wasn't just jabbering about bullshit or whining about losing; I was skraight up commentating. It was active, it was informative, and it was entertaining. Nobody interrupted me, probably because I was so good at it. It felt really good, at first, to be entertaining the people around me. They were laughing at most of the things I said, which is the greatest feeling in the world. I've always been interested in comedy, but I've never been able to write professional-quality jokes, so this was the first experience I ever had as a "professional comedian."

So, you're asking yourself, what's the problem? You've discovered a new, bankable, skill. Good for you. Why are you complaining? Well, let me tell you.

I can't stop doing it.

I don't mean I enjoy it too much. I mean it's completely compulsive behavior. I can't stop myself from talking when I play video games. I might have been doing it for a very long time and just never had a real audience, I don't know. I might even have been doing it whilst alone. I zone out when I get really into video games and wouldn't feel a punch, let alone hear a joke. My mom once had to unplug my Xbox to get me to go to college classes because I was so close to Finishing The Fight in Halo 2. I had been up all night playing and all I could see was the boss Brute and his huge hammer and I didn't hear Mom shouting at me from the door to get ready for school. I failed a critical Sociology exam that day because I showed up after the class let out.

But my problem isn't my peripheral blindness, it's my compulsory commentation. I've started listening to myself a lot more since Mario Kart, and I do talk pretty much nonstop, whether I'm playing a game or watching someone else play it. If it's someone else playing, I ask insightful questions and riff on cutscenes; if I'm playing, I'm more active with it, describing pretty much everything that happens to me with faux-frustration or exaggerated glee. I turn playing the game into a comedy bit, albeit accidentally. If I recorded myself playing alone the microphone would probably pick up me mumbling similar commentary under my breath, to nobody in particular.

I'm very worried that it's an indication of something wrong with my brain, like Tourette's or Schizophrenia, but mostly I'm worried my friends will get sick of it and stop inviting me over to play video games. They like to play the same games for long periods of time, like Smash Bros or Marvel Vs Capcom, and I can only say so much about one game before I inevitably begin actually just spouting gibberish and screaming at my friends. How do I convince my friends to change up their game choice more often, for my sake? I can't imitate the voice clips for Thor (Buy Odin's Beer!) or Captain Falcon (Show me Your Moves!) forever. And if I do somehow keep this up without stagnating, are my friends going to get sick of the constant dialogue or are they going to embrace it? Maybe we'll become closer as friends?

I'm really worried because my friends are the social isolationist type common to these forums. When they play games they're dead silent unless they're engaged by a third party, namely me. I worry that they will grow tired of constant vocal engagement and cut off our friendship, when they're pretty much the only friends I have.

So, goons? What do I pick? My friends, or my passion?

Wangsbig posted:

OP I too have this problem and it has slowly spread to every facet of my life. Every piss dook and bate has become yap fodder. Last night I live tweeted the sex I was not having. I fear every day will be the day my family finds my bloated maddenesque corpse

Wangsbig posted:

another masterful post by wangsbig

An Angry Bug posted:

Actually he was mostly punishing Korgan and Korgan imitators who thought it was funny to post unending walls of creepy and sexist Reddit memes. Thousands of stdh.txt Confession Bears as far as the eye could see.

An Angry Bug posted:

Actually he was mostly punishing Korgan and Korgan imitators who thought it was funny to post unending walls of creepy and sexist Reddit memes. Thousands of stdh.txt Confession Bears as far as the eye could see.

NoneSuch posted:

yea but he has this thing called 'talent'

Billy Idle posted:

it doesn't matter how hard you suck his dick, it won't give you wizard powers

Stairmaster posted:

you clearly dont know poo poo about magic

Triticum Guzzler posted:

INT. DANK TORTURE BASEMENT - NIGHT

The sound of metal chains whipping against bare flesh hang heavy in the air, like a bird
flying into a headwind. The room is damp and sparsely lit. SUPERMECHAGODZILLA's scarred
jowls are illuminated by a desk lamp laying sideways on the floor

                                SUPERMECHAGODZILA
        Which reading is true? Which reading is true? WHICH READING IS TRUE!?

                                KOOS
        [Spits mouthful of blood] The words are used specifically for their
        literal intention, the events are straightforward so as to be easily
        understood by an audience of children.

The beating begins again, with a furious vigour, until SUPERMECHAGODZILLA can barely
stand. He rests one hand against a dirty wall, sweat marring his 1993 Nebraska Film
Festival hypercolor t-shirt.

                                SUPERMECHAGODZILA
        The opposite reading is true... The opposite reading is true. I've
        been to college.

KOOS straightens his posture, his pride and dignity unscathed by the days long assault
of a fat, stupid man.

                                KOOS
        Any perceived allusions to facism in A Goofy Movie are a wholesale
        invention of a misguided viewer.

SUPERMECHAGODZILLA adopts the look of a man who has been defeated. Wearily, he grabs a
shotgun that had been resting in the corner, and cocks it loudly.

                                KOOS
        Goofy simply wishes to bond with his son through fishing, a traditional
        pastime, as he had done with his own father. It is neither parable nor
        allegory. Neither dog was molested, the material does not support this.

mobby_6kl posted:

BANME.sh posted:

OMG he falls in like a hole

peepsalot posted:

rejected nine inch nails song idea

Trig Discipline posted:

FELL IN A HOLE
WASN'T MY GOAL
SHOES FULL OF ICE
REAL FUCKIN' COLD

quote:

hot liquid poo poo splashing up and speckling my white bottom

quote:

a man dips his fingers in fetid rear end sweat and smears a line of it on my forehead.

"RAZOR" he murmurs

quote:

a cleansing dive into sparkling yellow piss waters, light at the top yet brown near the bottom. i plunge deep and feel the saltiness enter my pores.

quote:

a field of partially congealed cum on grass. before it continues to gel, i leap and splay myself out on the ground, nude. i wave my arms and legs, making the snape of an angel.

quote:

because my face is strapped so tightly to the rear end of this man, the poo poo he pushes out is forced to go over, around, and under my eye sockets after they rapidly become full of feces. i grind my face a little, to enjoy the smooshing sensation.

golgo13sf posted:

you're a mod for god's sake, DO SOMETHING

Pochoclo posted:

I am strapped to a damp steel hospital trolley. I can feel some sticky goop clinging to the sides. A big, hairy hand slaps my shoulder. The man attached to it is entirely naked, and his penis is standing at attention - some grossly misshapen thing, gyrating in angles that are somehow wrong, phasing in and out of reality as it sweeps through dimensions and timeplanes unknown. "Welcome", he says, producing a thick hose with a menacing jagged nozzle from some kind of machine. He fingers my exposed and tender genital orifice, irritated from the previous sandblasting, and grunts discontentedly. "I expected you to be wet by now, but no matter", he says, returning to the machine, and opening a valve to full tilt. He hurries by my side, and holds my mouth open. I try to scream, but he spits down into my throat, and I choke. He jams the hose's nozzle down my mouth, and I feel it tear the walls of my larynx. I almost lose consciousness, but I am alerted by a repulsing sound - the sound of something slimy and thick making its way up the hose, ever so close to my violated mouth. The bastard naked man laughs and slaps his knee, then begins masturbating furiously, as I feel the first drops of something snotty and a bit salty making their way down my tongue. "WELCOME TO DWARF FORTRESS!", he screams at the top of his lungs, as a wave of putrid semen rushes down my throat and into my stomach, grossly distending my body.

Chichevache posted:

Q_res posted:

That's not even a fedora, it's a trilby.

Sex Offenders are supposed to register with the mods before posting.

swickles posted:

I thought they were supposed to become mods first.

Say Nothing posted:

I want one.

Derek of the Andes posted:

The hell is that???

JasonRiverwind posted:

God damnit man, haven't you ever seen a woman.

Bertrand Hustle posted:

On the subject of good burns:

joat mon posted:

A Canada Lynx at a rehab center in Colorado.

Skrill.exe posted:

Drug use isn't "bad-rear end".