found out I have a son. I don't know what to do.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > found out I have a son. I don't know what to do.

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Long story short: A girl I met at an anti-sexual abuse group 3 years ago contacted me this morning and told me I've got a son. This person and I had a 1 night stand, I wore protection and it did not break, and she hasn't brought anything up since that day. I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and am afraid of bringing this up to my family because they'll go insane.

What do I do? Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing? Can a paternity test be done if we don't live in the same state?

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:32

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 09:15

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

SpicyMeatSandwich posted:

PNA

What's the most legal way to destroy a child? Is it technically murder if a rube-Goldberg machine is used?

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:34

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

I am Toni Lippi posted:

Whatever you do don't sexually abuse it.

This is a good tip. I'll add it to the list.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:35

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

jalopybrown posted:

do u have a hot car OP?

I ride a motorcycle.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:39

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

I've come up with 4 possible scenarios:

Baby is mine and is ugly.
Baby isn't mine and is ugly.
Baby is mine and isn't ugly.
Baby isn't mine and isn't ugly.

If I could choose outcome I want most it would be the second one.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:40

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Crewmine posted:

Agree to meet her in a neutral, public location like a cafe. fill a bottle with your lukewarm urine and give it to her when you arrive, saying it's for dna testing.

if she still wants you to be her baby dad then you just man up and dad that baby

We live in different states now. Can I overnight a bottle of piss or will that get flagged?

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:42

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

cock hero flux posted:

build a shack out in the woods and kidnap your son and take him there

raise him to be a wild mountain man. teach him how to hunt, kill, and fight. of the outside world, tell him only that it is a decadent, weak place, full of cowards whose strength and resolve is nothing compared to his

when he is grown, give him his final challenge. if he can kill you, he has surpassed you, and learned all that he can. he is ready. when his blade strikes home, and you feel death coming, tell him that his time has come. that he must go forth and conquer the weak sheep of this nation, and rule the land as not only their king, but their god.

when everything's said and done, and those who are left pick through the rubble and determine what happened, it'll go down as the greatest practical joke ever played

What sort of permits would I need to build a shack in the woods? Also I think the closest forest is like 120 miles north of here so I could probably only check on him every couple weeks.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:46

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

redshirt posted:

Contact Maury or Judge Judy or one of those shows. They'll get to the bottom of this.

The story isn't wild enough to get on Maury and judge judy would just yell at me. Judge Alex might be cool though

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:47

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Minimalist Program posted:

I have 9 sons, each more retarded than the last and, according to prophecy, sooner or later I will meet one of them in bed.

this is why you sleep in a swamp

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:54

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

jalopybrown posted:

go on peoples court, Judge Milian is really sexy for her age imo

She's got it going on for someone that's vaguely uhhhhhhhh ethnic

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 17:55

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

vyst posted:

Why did you give her a way to contact you noob.

I didn't and you can't search for me on Facebook so I don't know how she got my number

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:09

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Big Beef City posted:

Leslie I'm your dead gay son. Love me in accordance to the prophecy. For one thousand years have I slumbered, now I arise seeking your approval. Together will will reign over this gay earth.

My child.... *desperately tries to conceal the disappointed look on my face*

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:16

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Dean of Swing posted:

Congratulations.

Thank you.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:18

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

etalian posted:

anti-sex abuse groups leads to sex

Who would have thought?

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:32

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Big Beef City posted:

you should buy a box of those bubblegum cigars and pass them out to homeless people

The homeless here are feral and unable to process feelings due to years of relentless exposure to the sun. They'd probably start loving the cigars and that's not the kind of world I want my son to live in.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:34

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Quickscope420dad posted:

Seriously though start a kickstarter for her abortion

The baby is already born and is like almost 2 years old it's impossible to abort at this point

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:37

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

setafd posted:

you should have told that to justin ross harris

??? I don't watch How I Met Your Mother so I don't get the ref sorry

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:39

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Al Borland posted:

Also Les, what were you doing at a sexual abuse group?

One of my friends was a professor at my college and asked me to speak at a few group events because he knew about my childhood abuse and thought it would help give courage to other male abuse victims if they saw a dude speaking.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:46

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Al Borland posted:

I honestly never know if you're serious in GBS or not. I only hope you're not Leslie because I genuinely like your posts.

Thank you for the kind words brother.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:50

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

waitwhatno posted:

goons should not procreate, i'm really pro-eugenics on this one

If sex wasn't in the top 5 trillest things you can do having kids wouldn't be an issue

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 18:59

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Barfoid 3 posted:

I do not generally like your posts OP

I don't have an opinion about yours hth

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 19:03

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Big Beef City posted:

It didn't though did it

It did. There were at least two that thanked me personally for speaking at rallies and groups so it was worth it.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 21:26

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Yes this is my son Gay Hitler

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 22:51

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Big Beef City posted:

Is the babby a trannie?

She's referring to my supposed child as a boy and using male pronouns but she's also from Utah and the people that live there are prone to misgendering.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 22:59

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Helpimscared posted:

do a DNA test before you freak out, if he is your son explain that your not ready to raise a child if your not comfortable with it, go from there

What perfectly sound advice I think I'll ta*loudly farts and is startled*

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 23:02

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 09:15

MY BF LESLIE SAID: Jun 9, 2006; by Lowtax

Is kicking the baby's head off an option in the United States?

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 23:04

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > found out I have a son. I don't know what to do.