|
I'm beginning to suspect my roommate is a massive goon who is also a massive pothead. I submit the following evidence: EXHIBIT A: PERSONALITY My roommate fits the typical "lol what a goon" stereotype. He's overweight (doughy but not obese), unclean, and socially awkward. So socially awkward that he gets visibly nervous when I say hello to him. His voice warbles in pitch, making him sound like something off a 90-year old Dictaphone. He also giggles like  Mickey Doyle in Boardwalk Empire. Since he either can't, won't, or doesn't know how to cook, he subsists almost entirely on Taco Bell and Domino's, which means he destroys the toilet utterly every day. As a consequence, he goes through about two rolls of toilet paper a week (which is astonishing to me), but when he is finished with a roll, he leaves the cardboard tube on the roller and merely stacks a fresh roll on top of it. I've never seen or noticed him cleaning anything, yet he is curiously neat about not taking out the trash. When the bin gets full, he will get out a new bag, place it next to the still full can, place a pizza box in the bottom so it has a nice base, and then begin to fill the new bag. He is lazy, QED, but also only in ways that make it really obvious that he's trying hard to be lazy. It's the "full circle" school of laziness. In an effort to be lazy, he performs so many actions to avoid doing work, that he probably could have done things the right way, thereby making his laziness even more profound. Wardrobe: t-shirts, and jeans or cargo shorts, with flipflops. The only thing conspicuously absent from the traditional goon uniform is the fedora.EXHIBIT B: WEED KING My roommate recently became a resident of California, and like most people I've met who move here from out of state, immediately obtained his medical marijuana card. To this, I say, more power to him. I don't partake (I get drug tested all the time and I'm not curious enough to risk losing my job), and maybe for that reason, it makes it really evident to me that he is getting high literally as often as possible. Like, the complex is gonna have to strip the paint and change the carpet when he moves out. I always tell him that our shared hallway smells like ODB's Escalade, which usually summons that Mickey Doyle giggle. His routine is basically to get home from work, go into his room, spark up for a few hours, then walk down the street to Taco Bell, come back, and resume smoking. I think he gets high to numb the pain of his job; he works in an editing house which cuts together trailers for porn movies of all varieties. Needless to say, he's seen some serious poo poo. At least this means we occasionally get some free swag. I think there's a kink.com chip clip around here somewhere. EXHIBIT C: IDLE TIME This guy spends all day at work on a computer and then comes back home and spends all night on a computer. I've never seen him bring a friend over. I've never seen him in the living room watching TV, or going outside for a walk that isn't straight to Taco Bell and back, or anything. He doesn't go out and socialize, that I've seen. My other roommate and I convinced him to come to the neighborhood bar with us once, and he's basically one of those comic relief drunks. The guy who doesn't really do anything cool or funny, but gets shitfaced immediately, and proceeds to run into everything and say dumb poo poo to people. He's like those movie-drunk caricatures, who aren't actually supposed to exist in real life. Yet, here we are. CONCLUSION The dude a goon, yo. Which one of you is it?
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 02:12
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ Apr 26, 2024 01:42 |
|
|
Not really sure how two threads got posted but one is now dead. Congrats guys, your posts will go on living!
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 04:04
|
|
|
What's funniest about the whole Taco Bell thing is that we live right by two really good authentic taquerias and he still goes there instead. I mean, if I was a giant stoner I'd probably want a real burrito and not some weird crunch wrap gordita whatever.
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 04:09
|
|
|
Cyberball 2072 posted:White people saying "taqueria" in the thread. You know, when taco shop isn't ethnic sounding enough The buildings say Taqueria on the front, cabron. Fetus Tree posted:cant put sour cream & guacamole on a poll I'm sorry about the poll  My roommate may be goonier than I am but he probably also makes better OPs.
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 04:14
|
|
|
My favorite taco joints are the ones with numbers in the name. Back when I was in high school we all used to go to this one a short drive away that was called "TACOS CHARLY #2." Any place that does Super Nachos well is OK in my book.
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 04:39
|
|
|
Much like Rambo's explosive-tipped arrows, their tacos will make your rear end explode after a short delay.
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 05:47
|
|
|
lmbo so my roommate just walked in, all road rashed up on his arm and hands and missing his phone. He tells me about how he went to see a movie, called for an Uber to take him home, then tripped and fell in the street while running to the car. Then he left his phone in there. See? Can't take him anywhere!
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 09:39
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ Apr 26, 2024 01:42 |
|
|
Fonzarelli posted:He doesn't sound like a bad roommate really compared to what you could get. I'd love a roommate who never got friends over. I definitely recognize his good qualitites. He's very reliable about paying the bills, he doesn't complain about anything, and he doesn't bring over strange characters. Other than the whole not cleaning thing, he's not a bad roommate at all. I've had worse. He's still a weird dude, though.
|
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2014 09:57
|
|