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Chuck Tanner
Nov 10, 2012

by Lowtax


When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.

It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little poo poo in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my rear end is INCHES away from this kids head.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an rear end now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten rear end in a top hat to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying.

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Robo Reagan
Feb 12, 2012


i agree




with whoever calls the op dumb

Cucking Mama
Sep 27, 2013

Gold Medalist, 2014 shit post olympics


are you the guy who got mad when the ulililia thread was gassed? I have a hard time with the baseball card guys

Absalom Baird
Jul 13, 2010


And that Mom grew up to be... Alberto Einstein-Lopez

TOILETLORD
Nov 13, 2012

NO PAPER LEFT


i remember when it was okay for your parents to make you bleed if you were acting lovely in public. I was a pretty lovely kid.

im pooping!
Nov 17, 2006


i liek this story and u should write more farting storeis except with naked chicks farting in their pussy and stuff

donkey salami
Jun 28, 2008

donkey? donkey?


the hero we need

jhorphear
Apr 24, 2013

Ask me about telling people not to change my avatar


5'd This is the post lunch laugh i needed.

Crux
Apr 9, 2007
Cornmander, we need shirtguns.

I read this somewhere once before, I can't remember where. It was dumb then too.

e:

google says it came from reddit, so it probably came from the thread mocking reddit a while back.

im pooping!
Nov 17, 2006


if reddit has fart and poo poo stories sign me up

Jerry Mumphrey
Mar 10, 2004

Bretty Good at Bazebul :-DDDD

I read this months ago in the STDH.txt thread and my sister e-mailed it to me this morning and now it's in gbs. circle of life

Guancho
Aug 22, 2010

Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!


ZergRushing
Oct 1, 2004

KEKEKE YOU TASTE LIKE BONES ^__________^

That woman needs a man in her life and you just loving blew it by being a scared little bitch afraid of getting into trouble. Next time after you fart on a woman's sons head you immediately grab her by the neck and shove your tongue down her throat. You'll have a date with a milf that you know puts out and doesn't used protection later that night.

PureEvil6_13
Jun 1, 2004

I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL

Jerry Mumphrey posted:

I read this months ago in the STDH.txt thread and my sister e-mailed it to me this morning and now it's in gbs. circle of life

GORDON
Jan 1, 2006
I AM
WHAT'S
WRONG
WITH
AMERICA


I once farted on my own son.

It was last year and we were on top of one of the Grand Tetons, I forget which, marveling at the six foot snowdrifts in the middle of June. He was seven then and prone to moments of goofiness and was pretending to sniff my butt trying to make me laugh.

I bust rear end just as his face is in it. He starts to choke and gag and cries, "it went right in my mouth! I could taste it!". I just laughed a lot and then a little later drank a Moose Drool in the crooked shack at the top of the ski lift tram thing.

Good times.

im pooping!
Nov 17, 2006


GORDON posted:

I once farted on my own son.

It was last year and we were on top of one of the Grand Tetons, I forget which, marveling at the six foot snowdrifts in the middle of June. He was seven then and prone to moments of goofiness and was pretending to sniff my butt trying to make me laugh.

I bust rear end just as his face is in it. He starts to choke and gag and cries, "it went right in my mouth! I could taste it!". I just laughed a lot and then a little later drank a Moose Drool in the crooked shack at the top of the ski lift tram thing.

Good times.

needs more miasma F-/10

Y-Hat
Feb 10, 2007

I'll get you, I'll burn you, I'll crush you, I'll flush you down, down
The toilet where you'll spiral around, round
Awwww tick... tick tick tick


there is only one acceptable copy/paste story that can go in a first post and it's the niggerstomper58 post

Fojar38
Sep 1, 2011
------------->
This space guaranteed to be full of the stupidest shit you can imagine about history that I don't understand.
------------->

PS: Time for a 39th Fojar, we can do better than this

no unironic use of the phrase "crotch droppings" voted one gas thread ban op

BadLlama
Jan 13, 2006


what does this thread have to do with world of tanks?

Harald
Jul 9, 2009

LINKIN PARK

i didn't read anyh of that

Bad Titty Puker
Nov 3, 2007



Chris Awful
Oct 2, 2005

Tell your friends they don't have to be scared or hungry anymore comrades.


This is a very lengthy way of telling us you fart on brats.

FAGGY CLAUSE
Apr 9, 2011



Waltzing Along
Jun 14, 2008

May your eyes be opened by the wonderful


I just farted. But I was alone. It wasn't even stinky. This thread made up for it.

Tujague
May 8, 2007

You'll be relieved to know that only half of my pony porn collection involves rape
(The rest involves bondage)


The number of "repost some old internet thing" threads doubled in half the time. Is this what we abandoned SERIOUSGBS for?

amityville anus
Jan 30, 2010


OP take it one step too far and poo poo yourself right there next time.

Fojar38
Sep 1, 2011
------------->
This space guaranteed to be full of the stupidest shit you can imagine about history that I don't understand.
------------->

PS: Time for a 39th Fojar, we can do better than this

seriouspost though you shouldve dropped trousers and done a poo poo in the aisle it wouldve been wittier and funnier

Wicker Man
Sep 5, 2007

Just like Columbus...

http://gothimagain.ytmnd.com/

Guancho
Aug 22, 2010

Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!


Tujague posted:

The number of "repost some old internet thing" threads doubled in half the time. Is this what we abandoned SERIOUSGBS for?

waaaaaay better than srsgbs, not even joking. check ur privilege bitch

edit: also you have a pony avatar, you don't get to criticize

gingerberger
Jun 20, 2014

Gotta love my Squirtle Swag


Way tl;dr

Fuck Your Website
Nov 29, 2003
FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR WEBSITE


This sucked the first time I heard it, when it was called The Bible

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007


I am Toni Lippi
Aug 16, 2004


My crazy life.

veilo
Jul 17, 2010

Never posts


OP, You are the true hero that the entire world needs right now.

Our world is overrun by brats just like the one you gassed. They are everywhere!

We need the gift of your digestive tract to preserve earth as we know it.

Please, what is your bat signal ?

Antlions
Feb 13, 2012


Ghaz
Nov 19, 2004



1) encounter unruly child
2) fantasize about the best way to pwn thme
3) share on social media or something awful.com forums

Ghost of Eazy E
Feb 4, 2013

WANTED: BREAD OR ALIVE




Which reddit subforum did you copy this from?

Al Borland
Oct 29, 2006



bluewedge
Sep 17, 2006


i read all of it

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mookface
Jun 7, 2009

my car blew up today


bluewedge posted:

i read all of it

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