|
Me and my friend were hanging out, you know, just relaxing. Setting the mood for a nice lazy day. Smoked a fat blunt. Niiiice. Then we went off to the ball courts. Now, me and my friend, we are a rowdy bunch. In all seriousness, we like to say "yo nigga" and "what's up my nigga" and "see you later, my nigga," even though we are white. I'm not sure why. It's like how rap guys rap all crazy but really they just have an absent father figure. Anyways, So we decided to play on the basketball courts. I'm not really too good at basketball, but I've been practicing shooting this summer. I mean we didn't play a 1 on 1 or anything we were just practicing shooting, we're not jocks, LOL! There were a bunch of kids playing. Like you know, kids, toddlers, that kind of poo poo. And uhh these kids are latino and black. Now me and my friend we are not racist, we like to immerse ourselves in different cultures, can appreciate (NOT APPROPRIATE) (well maybe a little bit) different cultures like we like going to the jamaican place and hearing the lady speak all patois and eat the rice and beans and jerk chicken she cooks us. I appreciate her unqiue societal perspectives, like a matriarch. I'm sorry this is off topic, anyway So while me and my friend are playing, we have to tone down our language. Like, we have to be child appropriate and can't yell "FUCKIN friend of the family" when we accidentally miss a shot. We really don't mean to be racist, we've simply been conditioned via a weed-culture and rap music. I mean, "nigga!" "Hey nigga!" poo poo I'm sorry I didnt mean to say it, I'm white. Anyway, while we are playing there's 2 groups of kids. Now this is what really disturbed me. There are like 3-4 lil toddler kids, black and latino, and 1 older kid who is I guess the chaperone or big brother or whatever. They are just shooting the hoops, practicing. Its a friendly game, they are all laughing and shooting the basket, making children noises, good poo poo, enjoyment, love that stuff. But ever 30 seconds or 1 minute, one of them lets out this blood curdling scream "MOOOOOOOOOM!!! MOM!!!! MOM!!!" like his moms dead or something. They all do it. Its loving weird Whats wrong??? I don't know. But I figure, it's just children. Whatever. Now here's where it gets serious. A little boy and a lil girl come over to where we are playing. The lil boy is friends with the lil girl. They seem very un-competitive. The boy clearly has a rapport with the girl, theyre just chillin, dribbling the ball, enjoying each others company. But the moment the boy walks over to the group of 3-4 ballers, they just start yelling and excluding him. "YOU SUCK! GAAAAY! YOURE GAY!" Why did they do this? It made me sad. He will be a pariah. Even though he clearly is better adjusted than these children they call him a gayboy. Seemed like a calm kid. But why. What does this mean? Why are children so cruel? Why must the world give us these lemons? What does it all mean? Let me know. Please dont say youre gay. Well you can be gay, theres no problem with that. it's fine.
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 05:15
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 08:59 |
|
|
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 05:15
|
|
|
"Which Friends character are you most like?" I ask my date. I'm a witty guy who uses humour as a disarming mechanism (and, some might say, as a tool to masking my crippling insecurity), so I'd most likely be Chandler. But I'm smart like a scientist, so I could also be Ross. Finally, I'm klutzy and adorable--just like a Golden Retriever--so there are certainly hints of Joey inside of me. "I'm basically Chandler, Ross, and Joey." I loudly proclaim this fact, because confidence is an aphrodisiac. Every six months, Staples performs an employee review on me and gives me anywhere between a $0.30 and $0.50 raise. This last review, my "upsells" were so high that the manager bumped me up $0.65. The trick is to target older customers and mislead them on their purchases. Thus, it only took me seven weeks to afford a pair of Toto elevator shoes, which added five more inches to my height. The problem is that the shoes don't do much once you sit down, so I've also been growing my hair out and using Axe molding clay to stand it straight up, which adds several more inches. All-in-all, I'm pretty close to my goal of adding another foot to my height. Women love it. "These are really great breadsticks," I complement the breadsticks. I keep eating them because, hey, free food. "Nom nom nom...hah!" She doesn't get it. Actually, I can't help but notice that my date sits a little straighter (and therefore higher) than me. As I try to fit an entire breadstick into my mouth and chew it without also biting my tongue, I carefully eyeball the top of her head. She follows my eyes and touches her hair. "What?" she asks. I squint and chew harder. Louder. Faster. I lean in. She smells like...cinnamon? No, nutmeg. It's hard to tell. My nose is stuffed up so I have to keep my mouth open while I chew. I suddenly imagine the ball of bread rolling around in my mouth like a load of dirty laundry and it makes me want to throw up. "I'll be right back," I jump up from my seat and jog to the restroom. When I get there, inspiration strikes me like a bolt of divine lightning. "Eureka!" I start balling up paper towels and stuffing them into the back of my pants--I think I fit half of a roll down there. Then I waddle back to the table and quietly take a seat. She looks mildly shocked. Or perturbed? I don't know, women are hard to read. "Are you...are you alright?" she asks. "Who? Me? Yeah. Of course." My rear end crunches softly on stiff brown paper towels while I use her forehead as a ruler and try to estimate the height that they have added to my position. Maybe an inch--not bad, not bad. I lean forward. "Do you think there's a difference between, like...anime and manga?" Suddenly a sharp pain hits my stomach. The breadsticks. They're interacting with the pot of lukewarm coffee I drank earlier. I wince as I feel a burning sensation running through my intestines like a G-scale model train. An "uh oh..." escapes my lips before I can stop it at the proverbial gates. I don't think I'm going to make it to the bathroom. But the paper towels. "...spaghettiooooos..." I force a smile. I imagine a beleaguered General Adama facing down a whole Cylon army with nothing but a handful of fighters and flak guns. He meditates on the coming battle before finally saying, Alright, here goes nothing, Colonel Tigh. I close my eyes, hesitantly relax my rear end, and immediately feel a warm burbling rise up between my legs, just like I sat down in a pool of sun-baked mud or bread dough. The sensation persists for what feels like an eternity--the duration of which I am entirely silent. When it ends--mercifully--I let out a soft sigh. When I open my eyes, I realize something very strange: I have risen another inch or so and am now looking slightly downward at my date. It is the most shocking and beautiful thing I could ever conceive of. They say, "When god closes a door, he opens a window." I don't believe in god, but if I did, I'd swear he was with me that day.
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 05:20
|
|
|
No.
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 05:21
|
|
|
that goons story about how they farted directly in the face of random peoples children in public was way way better.
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 05:23
|
|
|
naem posted:"Which Friends character are you most like?" I ask my date. I'm a witty guy who uses humour as a disarming mechanism (and, some might say, as a tool to masking my crippling insecurity), so I'd most likely be Chandler. But I'm smart like a scientist, so I could also be Ross. Finally, I'm klutzy and adorable--just like a Golden Retriever--so there are certainly hints of Joey inside of me. "I'm basically Chandler, Ross, and Joey." I loudly proclaim this fact, because confidence is an aphrodisiac. This loving RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 05:23
|
|
|
No.
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 09:38
|
|
|
i'm gay
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 09:43
|
|
|
the op might be my least favorite person ever
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 09:47
|
|
|
no one read any of that i'm gonna go lurk in the bushes and run through back yards and hop fences because it is the only joy i get out of life also i am drunk i like rearranging furniture outdoor stuff oh yeah ugghhhh
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 10:12
|
|
|
Ego Death posted:no one read any of that i'm gonna go lurk in the bushes and run through back yards and hop fences because it is the only joy i get out of life also i am drunk i like rearranging furniture outdoor stuff oh yeah I read all of it
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 10:22
|
|
|
and i'm white
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 12:45
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 08:59 |
|
|
killaer posted:Me and my friend were hanging out, you know, just relaxing. Setting the mood for a nice lazy day. Smoked a fat blunt. Niiiice. 
|
|
#
?
Aug 16, 2014 12:52
|
|