NoneMoreNegative posted:

Jazz & Sodomy clubs were big in the 50s underground - you want to be in the front row, you pay the price.

Trig Discipline posted:

Oh dammit I really was born in the wrong era.

Trig Discipline posted:

Oops, I worry that that last statement may be misconstrued and now people think I'm some sort of weirdo. To be perfectly clear: I am not a huge fan of jazz.

Lofty132 posted:

So, there is a new anti-homophobia campaign in football and this is the result:

http://youtu.be/1_2QzUvLNDI

Oh Giroud

Some premier league clubs refused to wear the laces last season, I wonder of the same will happen this season? The answer is probably not, since everyone always copies Arsenal in football

Eau de MacGowan posted:

What fashion statement do I make if want to keep homophobia in football though?

HJB posted:

A Fashanu statement.

Rocks posted:

holy poo poo its been 13 years give it up

hovis rock posted:

Said Roman Polanski

Wasabi the J posted:

Cops are like vampires, they can't come on unless you invite them in, and they will try to trick you into it.

Mel Mudkiper posted:

In tribute to Joan Rivers tonights game ball will be made out of a dry stretched piece of leather

Momohime Katsumi posted:

Actually, OP, there are much cooler ancient animals than dinosaurs.



Par exampla:

Icthyosaur



Ichthyosaurs (Greek for "fish lizard" - ιχθυς or ichthys meaning "fish" and σαυρος or sauros meaning "lizard") were large marine reptiles. Ichthyosaurs belong to the order known as Ichthyosauria or Ichthyopterygia ('fish flippers' - a designation introduced by Sir Richard Owen in 1840, although the term is now used more for the parent clade of the Ichthyosauria).

Ichthyosaurs thrived during much of the Mesozoic era; based on fossil evidence, they first appeared approximately 250 million years ago (mya) and at least one species survived until about ninety million years ago, into the Late Cretaceous. During the early Triassic Period, ichthyosaurs evolved from a group of, as yet, unidentified land reptiles that returned to the sea, in a development parallel to that of the ancestors of modern-day dolphins and whales, which they gradually came to resemble in a case of convergent evolution. They were particularly abundant in the later Triassic and early Jurassic Period, until they were replaced as the top aquatic predators by another marine reptilian group, the Plesiosauria, in the later Jurassic and Cretaceous Period. In the Late Cretaceous ichthyosaurs became extinct for as yet unclear reasons.

Science became aware of the existence of ichthyosaurs during the early nineteenth century when the first complete skeletons were found in England. In 1834, the order Ichthyosauria was named. Later that century, many excellently preserved ichthyosaur fossils were discovered in Germany, including soft tissue remains. Since the late twentieth century there has been a revived interest in the group leading to an increased number of named ichthyosaurs from all continents, over fifty valid genera being now known.

Ichthyosaur species varied from one to over sixteen metres in length. Ichthyosaurs resembled both modern fish and dolphins. Their limbs had been fully transformed into flippers, which sometimes contained a very large number of digits and phalanges. At least some species possessed a dorsal fin. Their heads were pointed, the jaws often equipped with conical teeth to catch smaller prey. Some species had larger bladed teeth to attack large animals. The eyes were very large, probably for deep diving. The neck was short and later species had a rather stiff trunk. These also had a more vertical tail fin, used for a powerful propulsive stroke. The vertebral column, made of simplified disc-like vertebrae, continued into the lower lobe of the tail fin. Ichthyosaurs were air-breathing, bore live young, and were probably warm-blooded.

Terror Birds





Phorusrhacids, colloquially known as terror birds, are an extinct clade of large carnivorous flightless birds that were the largest species of apex predators in South America during the Cenozoic, 62–2 million years (Ma) ago.

They were roughly 1–3 metres (3.3–9.8 ft) tall. Their closest modern-day relatives are believed to be the 80 cm-tall seriemas. Titanis walleri, one of the larger species, is known from Texas and Florida in North America. This makes the phorusrhacids the only known example of large South American predators migrating north during the Great American Interchange (which occurred after the volcanic Isthmus of Panama land bridge rose ca. 3 Ma ago). It was once believed that T. walleri only became extinct around the time of the arrival of humans in North America, but subsequent datings of Titanis fossils have failed to provide evidence for their survival more recently than 1.8 Ma ago. However, there exist additional findings that date from 450,000 years ago and 17,000 years ago, that suggest that at least some phorusrhacids survived until the late Pleistocene in Uruguay.

Phorusrhacids may have even made their way into Africa, with the genus Lavocatavis recently discovered in Algeria, although its status as a true phorusrhacid is questionable. A possible European form, Eleutherornis, has also been identified, suggesting that this group had in the Paleogene a wider geographical range.

Kelenken guillermoi from Middle Miocene some 15 million years ago, discovered in Patagonia in 2006, represents the largest bird skull yet found. The fossil has been described as being a 71 cm (28 in), nearly intact skull. The beak is roughly 46 cm (18 in) long and curves in a hook shape that resembles an eagle's beak. Most species described as phorusrhacid birds were smaller, 60–90 cm (2.0–3.0 ft) tall, but the new fossil belongs to a bird that probably stood about 3 m (9.8 ft) tall. Scientists theorize that the large terror birds were extremely nimble and quick runners able to reach speeds of 48 km/h (30 mph).

The etymology of the name Phorusrhacidae is based on the type genus Phorusrhacos. When first described by Florentino Ameghino in 1887, the etymology of Phorusrhacos was not given. Current thinking is that the name is derived from a combination of the Greek words "phoros", which means bearer or bearing, and "rhacos", which translates to wrinkles, scars or rents. Researchers have compared Phorusrhacidae with the living families of Cariamidae and Sagittaridae, but their differences in body mass are too drastic, and thus, one cannot overly depend on these living families for answers.

Arthropleura

[url]http://i.imgur.com/Nu7Hnsu.jpg/url]

Arthropleura (Greek for Jointed Ribs) is a genus of extinct, 0.3–2.6 metre (1–8.5 feet) long millipede arthropods, native to the upper Carboniferous (340 to 280 million years ago) of what is now northeastern North America and Scotland. The larger species of the genus are the largest known land invertebrates of all time, and would have had few, if any predators.

Contrary to earlier and popular beliefs, Arthropleura was not a predator but a herbivorous arthropod. Because none of the known fossils have the mouth preserved, scientists suppose that Arthropleura did not have strongly sclerotized and powerful mouth parts, because such would have been preserved at least in some of the fossils. Some fossils have been found with lycopod fragments and pteridophyte spores in the gut and in associated coprolites.

Fossilized footprints from Arthropleura have been found in many places. These appear as long, parallel rows of small prints, which show that it moved quickly across the forest floor, swerving to avoid obstacles, such as trees and rocks. Its tracks have the ichnotaxon name Diplichnites cuithensis.

Arthropleura was able to grow larger than modern arthropods, partly because of the greater partial pressure of oxygen in Earth's atmosphere at that time, and because of the lack of large terrestrial vertebrate predators. Arthropleura became extinct at the start of the Permian period, when the moist climate began drying out, destroying the rainforests of the Carboniferous, and allowing the desertification characteristic of the Permian.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

SuperMechagodzilla posted:

12:05 PM eastern standard time, the Muslims have vanished. Check for yourself if you don't believe me. Where have they gone to?

There is speculation, of course. Scientists mention a cosmic storm that passed the Earth on January 20. A man says they are all in caves. Certain groups lament a faulty Rapture. A woman says he has taken their power and absorbed it into himself. She means Barack Obama. I doubt it, but he does seem somehow taller. The ground rumbles at times. The breaking news says WASHINGTON DC, with red concentric circles. I'm uneasy, but what can we do? Terror is defeated and if Obama were a Muslim, he'd be just as gone as them. There's no cause for alarm.

Within months, Barack Obama has declared a war on vague unease. It's a good idea, because frankly we could all use some peace of mind. Approval rating is higher than ever now that the Muslims had left, but I don't think we are happy yet. His eyes are shining sometimes, as a deer's eyes shine in a flashlight beam. Small fissures criss-cross the pavement. Trees are swaying, but the breeze is gone. Something is changing in our world.

Aeroplanes don't exist anymore. Scientists explain that the density of the air is too low to support their wings. Then how do we breathe?! We should have died by now, but I think we are evolving. Our bodies haven't changed, but the atmosphere..

One man says it was the rapture after all, and we have since entered the Kingdom of God. Barack is now the size of an oak tree. He sleeps outside since the rains have ceased, and his skin is thick to bullets. Now he wanders through he countryside impassively. He ignores a rural photo-op. He studies a leaf for twenty days. Only a fool would call this Heaven.

Satellites fall to earth like rain used to. No friction burns them away, so we trudge past countless flecks of solar panel and ribbons of golden cloth. It's a silent car crash every few hours, though cars themselves no longer run. No oxygen remains to ignite their fuel. Obama strides across the landscape, taller than the Freedom Tower. We've given up on assassination; all men are immortal now, and guns no longer fire.

I'm starting to wish the Muslims were back.

We found them with a telescope. Images of a colony on the right side of the moon. See the parts that jut from the lower right? I think they're mosques. Soon they are visible to the naked eye, but how? Their cities are enormous. We watch them as they live and die. They have our former atmosphere; the moon is fringed with blue. "Look at how they wield their guns," writes a man. "I always said he'd take our guns away." They eat and sleep like we once did, building worthless ziggurats. We have everything we wanted, but oh how we envy their strife!

It's long been clear that Obama brought this uncomfortable perfection upon us, but I can't bring myself to blame him for it. He's reminded us all of how our lives had been discarded out of fear. I know now why he grows each day. In time, when we are ready he will reach out into space. He will raise us up in his great hand, to this new Earth that gleams like a frozen star. And if Obama does not carry us, we can climb...

PateraOctopus posted:

Alright, jerkfaces, time for a real man to enter this movie pitching game.

The film starts by establishing that the Pope is dying and it's only a matter of time before he passes on to the great pulpit in the sky. So our two heroes, who have heard of the fabled Stash of Saladin in the Vatican archives, trek to the Vatican knowing that everyone will be distracted preparing for the upcoming papal selection, and they plan to try to steal the weed. Hilarity ensues as they stumble through set piece after set piece, including the aforementioned communion-wafer munchies, a scene in which they hide a joint in what turns out to be a ceremonial censer and get an entire congregation a contact high, and I dunno, a scene where they need to fill a bong with holy water or something.

The climax comes when they're caught and pursued through the city by the Swiss Guard, and through a series of mishaps end up in the Room of Tears and disguise themselves in robes that they find there. They finally end up smoking their poo poo but get caught halfway through and run away, but since it's very special ancient weed the smoke ends up billowing white, so the group assembled in St. Peter's Square think a new Pope has been elected, and somehow the two end up on the balcony and everyone mistakes them for the Cardinal Protodeacon and the new Pope, so one of them has to give a speech (in a nod to The Great Dictator) and he ends up making a plea that everyone chill and be more real to each other and poo poo. And the speech goes over really well and everyone cheers and then we do a voice over by one of the guys saying that while he didn't actually become Pope everyone loved his speech so much that they were both given pardons by the real new Pope and they got the girls (earlier we will have established that they stirred some decidedly unchaste feelings in two young ladies who hadn't yet taken their final vows). Then after the credits we have a scene in which the new Pope goes down into the archive himself, locks the door behind him and takes a big hit off of Saladin's Stash and says "Ahhh...stercus bonus!" THE END

We call the film "The Most High," give it a tagline like "The dope is infallible" and release the fucker at Easter 2012. You're all welcome.

reflir posted:

NewsMonster posted:

Pluto.

I mean, it was a planet when I was in school, now it's a 'dwarf planet.'

It's very large, enough so that it's gravity has given it a spherical shape... it has a moon... or 3... it's cleared it's orbit of other objects... why the hell do we have to be uber technical and say it's not a planet?!

I know exactly what you mean, why have distinctions between planets and dwarf planets? Why not just refer to everything in space as either chunks of rock or globes of gas? In fact, why would we even distinguish between those? Why have distinctioa aaa aaaaa? Whaaaa aa aaaaaa aaaaa aaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

autopsy-turvey posted:

This week the shriveled husk of million term United States Senator and malevolent lich Jesse Helms was sealed in a bleak crypt deep beneath the sands of his native Stygia, North Carolina. Flowers placed on his grave by grieving shitheads withered and died within seconds.

Helms, known to friends and slaves alike as an unredeemed racist, was famous in the Senate for his passionate defense of segregation, opposition to the civil and voting rights acts, and his black crusade against the sun and all things which draw life from it.

As one of the first conservative talk radio hosts of the 1960’s Helms pioneered the technique of getting poor stupid whites to vote against their own interests by tricking them into hulking the gently caress out over black people, immigrants, and the betrayal of the Confederacy by jews, liberals, and the hated abstract concept of literacy. He went on to parley his repulsive backwoods celebrity with the curbstomp set into a long career in government where he played a prominent role in the unbelievably vicious and petty dixiecrat movement. His leadership resulted in a fundamental realignment of the American domestic political scene over the question of just how much we should hate niggers (”A whole lot”, contended Helms).

Long considered a strong contender for “worst person in the entire world” Helms in his declining years began to find that limited title constraining. Last summer recess he gathered together all the educated mulattos and wizened negro shaman from the swamps and dungeons of his grim feudal demesne and began a search for the blackest of black tomes, arts, and metal. That search culminated last week in his ascension to lichdom with the completion of a vile phylactery in the form of a fat lipped bejeweled bone sambo, pulsating with false life and the rhythm of hot jungle beats. His triumph over death itself coincides with a departure from this plane of existence for the astral realms, where he will spend the next thousand years pursuing recognition as the “worst person in the entire metaverse.”

Here on Earth Helms will be remembered as a southern gentleman, a family man, and the kind of guy that’ll eventually turn out to have dozens of child sized skeletons buried in his yard and whose family members when interviewed will say they thought he just liked collecting tiny shoes.

Tags: lichcraft, niggers

Quixotic posted:

"feminism?!" newsmonster kramers in the door and just keeps kramering, sliding off around the room, bouncing against walls. he kramers against your toilet, busting it up big time. you get the feeling he's trying to say something to you but he's kramering at such a high velocity you just can't quite make it out. as he finally nails a window and falls out you think you hear him exclaim "I'm a feminist, that's what's so CRAZY about this" on the way down

Volume posted:

Can some one link me to Wayne Gretzky's balls?

Dylazodelan posted:

Hey! I thought it'd be fun to have a chat thread about babysitting; it's a fun little side job, good for raking in the dough and getting funny stories to boot!

Starting things off; my sister duped me into watching her brats tonight (lame) and I can never remember their names (haha) so I've been calling them "the girl" and "the one with the big oozing chest wound". The one with the wound is sort of weirding me out, he keeps coming into the den every half hour telling me I have to rub this special ointment on his chest hole. I'm not touching that frickin thing, I don't care what his mom said!

Post about babysitting!

bonestructure posted:

I swear in that first one SMG is parodying an old SF short story. The cadence and details are so familiar that it's driving me nuts. I think Theodore Sturgeon or Robert Silverberg.

ANIME MONSTROSITY posted:

bonestructure posted:

I swear in that first one SMG is parodying an old SF short story. The cadence and details are so familiar that it's driving me nuts. I think Theodore Sturgeon or Robert Silverberg.

an overdue owl posted:

quote:

OP: "Help! HELP! I'm stuck in a well!!!"

Goons1-4: "Climb! Climb up and take our hands!"

OP: "I'm thinking I should dig... should I dig?"

Goon5: "NO! I was trapped in a well, and digging is a bad idea! Climb out!"

Goons6-8: "We're lowering ropes! Take hold of a rope!"

Goon9: "I've even tied a harness to the end of this one!"

OP: "I can feel the ropes, but I don't want to hold onto them... should I dig?"

Goon10: "No! If you dig, you'll hit water, and then you'll be proper hosed. I should know, I almost drowned."

OP: "I dug a little bit just now, and I haven't hit water. I'm gonna keep digging..."

Goons11-18: "No! Climb! Climb out!"

OP: "Guys, I'm seriously stuck in this well! Help! HELP!!!"

Goon19: "I was trapped in a well once. It took me two years, but I managed to build a climbing machine that pulled me to safety out of a well bucket and a pocket watch. I'm dropping the blueprints, extra buckets, and an assortment of pocket watches."

Goon20: "I've engineered a jet-pack that will rocket you to safety. Stay where you are and we'll lower it down!""

OP: "Thanks for your help, guys. I'm gonna keep digging. I'll find the Mines of Moria and I'll just walk to the surface."

**Goons1-20 piss in the well**

Goon21: "Guys, seriously... stop peeing in the well."

quote:

New Goon In A Well:

OP: Help I'm stuck in this well

Goon1: Dear Christ, that dude is heinous. Get the boards, hammer and nails.

OP: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MONTRESOR!

Goons (choral): Yes, for the love of God!

Say Nothing posted:

Ur Getting Fatter posted:

Sometimes you don't wipe enough and it itches like crazy.

Shadeoses posted:

Her soul was split, kept safe in various trophies to ensure that she would never experience the final death. Most of them were thematically appropriate, emblems of her triumph carefully picked on her rise to power. An orphan's tin whistle. A dead lump of coal. An Argentinian gold tooth.

But there was one more split, one she did not plan for. At the hour of her final triumph she sought out a village in The North and hunted down a family of lower-middle class Scots, intending to use the blood of their child to bring about the final doom. Instead, the mother's faith in the NHS rebounded the killing glare back at her, destroying the sorceress and launching a fragment of her soul into the heart of the innocent baby, locking the two of them in an eldritch union.

With the welfare system gutted, the young man grew up aimless and angry at the world. He died of a drug overdose today, severing her last tenuous grasp upon the world. The. End.

Exclamation Marx posted:

RevSyd posted:

An old classic:


and the updated version

That DICK! posted:

My favorite escape artist thing was when he posted that he had written an unreleased novel on the guy who invented the blue meth but breaking bad came out and SCREWED HIM OVER

When someone called him out on the fact that it was just a narrative device and there's no real Heisenberg-style blue meth he lost his poo poo and said how he got constant PMs begging for his insight

Angela Christine posted:

Cotton for pete's sake. Everything wants to kill us. It's like waking up and realizing you live in Australia.

Whatev posted:

Being incredibly fat is a rebellion against arbitrary and patriarchal beauty norms. My body is a bold statement against the bigoted standards of society. I really like french fries.

El Gallinero Gros posted:

Amusingly enough, blue method DID become a trend in New Mexico after the show became popular.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

There's a lot of hosed up and weird people, on this comedy forum website, who do not ever post jokes, do not enjoy jokes or indeed even laughing, and have coined a derogatory term for people who make jokes. They're all missionaries drawn here by the allure of the fertile lands of videos of a severely asthmatic man playing Megaman games, and interesting philosophical quandries posted by the fake PTSD guy about the nature of doors and windows in Dungeons and Dragons. They are wise men here to educate a savage, uneducated, indigenous sort. It is a sonorous, musical form of education; a greasy collective amasses on the front line of the battle against social injustice, the video game subforum on a message board that has a drop down menu that makes light of the holocaust on every single page, and sings a shrill harmony that permeates the very aether, making my pets feel unsafe, when a video game muscle man calls Catwoman a bitch. They have picked their battles well, and I note from my foxhole that I am running out of ammunition, chiefly in the form of the increasingly finite number of ways I can frame this absurd situation with the English language. I clench my fists and yell "anime" towards an uncaring, absent God, and swear solemnly to press my thumbs into Chocolate America's eyeballs until he is blinded, to directly emasculate sporting figures, to beat the poo poo out of tumblr users with baseball bats, and to quietly appreciate what Waylon Smithers being gay means to me.

quote:

The way the mustache part of your goatee frames your face is like it's the top part of an old timey sign, and the lines down the sides of your mouth are the strings holding the actual sign, and then your beard is the sign and the sign says "sad times".

Darth123123 posted:

Boo, no links

mind the walrus posted:

3-4 posts above your champ.

Earwicker posted:

what the gently caress kind of person is named Wanda in this day and age

Starter Wiggin posted:

Does it matter? OP, there're other fish in the sea.

Demon of the East posted:

don't call me champ

Oxyclean posted:

How cheap do you have to be to want a paper wallet? Oh man, Ill save 20$ with this piece of garbage that will turn to poo poo the first time I get caught out in the rain.

Decrepus posted:

Paper wallets are the only way to keep your currency safe from hackers.

Ebola Roulette posted:

Splode posted:

This seems extremely dangerous

cobalt impurity posted:

I'm sure we'd all like to hear your ~safer~ solution of removing the gay from a frozen pond!

VendaGoat posted:

cobalt impurity posted:

I'm sure we'd all like to hear your ~safer~ solution of removing the gay from a frozen pond!

Dooky Dingo posted:

Well, he should be wearing a condom, for one.

CharlestonJew posted:

primitive humans might have had traces of Chicken DNA inside them, as they tended to make a cucking sound during conversations

an overdue owl posted:

hint:

Minimalist Program posted: