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Captain No-mates

theyre hosed up deviants and i hate them. this one time i snuck into a dragon lair to slay it and obtain its treasure but it was just there watching scat porn right in the main chamber. he didnt even have the dignity to wear headphones, all the kobolds were obviously uncomfortable but the dragon did not give two hoots. i threw down my sword and stormed out how is a knight to make a name for himself in these depraved times

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Captain No-mates

this one time i had fought one of the "noble" beasts to a standstill atop the peak of a mountain, it was overcast and thunder cracked the sky just like it always does when you do something epic but instead of fighting the fucker just kept pull down our old timey pantaloons and touch our genitals, it made me extremely uncomfortable and my squire had to go to the wizards tower for therapy and may never be the same again. these creatures are a blight on our world.

Captain No-mates

i had stalked the scaly beast to its lair thousands of feet below the ground, avoiding traps in a labrynthine maze of tunnels and slaying any beast which stood against me. when i got into magnificent chamber which he resided in he hadnt even picked up the old scales he had been using last millenia and clearly hadnt rearanged his bed of gold and loot since the last time he had lay dormant for aeons. have you ever heard a song or legend where the hero had to overcome piles of mead bottles and jizzed up animal skins just to get to the fel wyrm. dragons these days are loving bullshit.

Afro Doug

saboten

one time i snuck in bilbo-style and went to raid the fucker's hoard but all i could find was erotic scrolls and busty maiden figurines

GoodbyeTurtles

:suezo:

dragons are some bullshit dude, i wouldn't even bother with them these days

Scaly Haylie

saboten posted:

one time i snuck in bilbo-style and went to raid the fucker's hoard but all i could find was erotic scrolls and busty maiden figurines

i don't really see what you're complaining about

GoodbyeTurtles

:suezo:

last time i encountered a dragon, i climbed up the cliff face to it's domain and readied my ancient greatsword, only to find it's door locked
"Let me in you vile dragon scum!" i yelled but it just replied "GO AWAY MOM I'M WATCHING NARUTO!" so i left

loving disgraceful

tao of lmao

Captain No-mates posted:

this one time i had fought one of the "noble" beasts to a standstill atop the peak of a mountain, it was overcast and thunder cracked the sky just like it always does when you do something epic but instead of fighting the fucker just kept pull down our old timey pantaloons and touch our genitals, it made me extremely uncomfortable and my squire had to go to the wizards tower for therapy and may never be the same again. these creatures are a blight on our world.

Captain No-mates

another kingdom, another village, another disgruntled town elder; such is the life of the adventurer. yadda yadda kidapped sheep, livestock gone missing, whatever. i follow the traces left behind: a gouge on a tree, a singed knoll, a traumatised crone. one way or another i make my way into the forrest, torch held high to illuminate the faint path and tracks left by something far larger than anything the Light intended. cutting through brambles, loving up owlbears its the same poo poo as always. that is until i find the copse of trees in the heart of the woods and find an incredibly rare specimen: the forrest drake. well suffice to say after what this sick gently caress did to those sheep the farmer isnt going to want them back anymore. i held back a wretch and stumbled out of the forrest one thing on my mind "would that count as bestiality?"

El Spider


I would never fill my head with thoughts of such a disgusting race

bird.

last time i came upon a dragon in his lair, after weeks of navigating the lever maze in the underground river tunnels, i found the fucker playing a female pandarian in world of warcraft... on the alliance side! and he was playing a healing priest! i couldn't have been more disappointed.

Captain No-mates

the beast allighted onto the battlements and screeched so loudly i could barely feel my own body, let alone react. it lunged out with a talon to grab me but i deflected with a quick flash of my blade. the creature was fast though, ungodly fast and it grabbed onto my arm and dragged me in towards that maw of teeth and ichor. i saw my only option as i ducked low and slammed my shield into its groin with all my might. it screeched and fell to the ground, it was hurt! my heart soared as i prepared my sword. however screeching turned to moaning and it violently undulated on the floor, suddenly it cried "again!!!! please!!!!!!!!" my shock at speech from this creature was tempered only by disgust ats its perversion. i lowered my blade as it begged me to hurt it, to make it feel again. i shook my head and strode away as it crawled towards me whining. who the has the time to bother with these hosed up lizards.

tao of lmao

I was going to kill that motherfucker. He destroyed my village. He killed my family. He took the one thing from me I ever truly loved, my fully restored NBA Jam cabinet. It's time he paid the price for all he took from me. Venturing, hunting, for a fortnight through some of the roughest, toughest terrain ever traversed by man. Deep within a pitch black cave I found him. The glow from the cabinet, a beacon in the void. Soundeffects echoing off the cavernous expanse. The last thing I remember, were the epic words I so desperately wanted to hear one more time. "He's on fire."

The world went white.

Captain No-mates

i accept that i am a peasant in a midieval-fantasy realm and that my life is destined to be bullshit forever. i accept that dragons came and killed everyone else in my village and burned our fields and ate our livestock but isn't that enough?? every day i bury my family and friends in graves near the shrine as was the custom of our people, then i forrage what little food there is to be had and sleep in the one remaining house. every morning i come down and all the corpses have been dug up and posed around the breakfast table and the graves filled in and the sound of draconic sniggering low on the air. why? why are they doing this to me? dont they have better things to be doing?? dont they have gold to be guarding or other villages to be destroying why do they spend their entire lives harassing me.. WHY????

i am he

lol

Captain No-mates

wth posted:

I was going to kill that motherfucker. He destroyed my village. He killed my family. He took the one thing from me I ever truly loved, my fully restored NBA Jam cabinet. It's time he paid the price for all he took from me. Venturing, hunting, for a fortnight through some of the roughest, toughest terrain ever traversed by man. Deep within a pitch black cave I found him. The glow from the cabinet, a beacon in the void. Soundeffects echoing off the cavernous expanse. The last thing I remember, were the epic words I so desperately wanted to hear one more time. "He's on fire."

The world went white.

tao of lmao

Captain No-mates posted:

i accept that i am a peasant in a midieval-fantasy realm and that my life is destined to be bullshit forever. i accept that dragons came and killed everyone else in my village and burned our fields and ate our livestock but isn't that enough?? every day i bury my family and friends in graves near the shrine as was the custom of our people, then i forrage what little food there is to be had and sleep in the one remaining house. every morning i come down and all the corpses have been dug up and posed around the breakfast table and the graves filled in and the sound of draconic sniggering low on the air. why? why are they doing this to me? dont they have better things to be doing?? dont they have gold to be guarding or other villages to be destroying why do they spend their entire lives harassing me.. WHY????

haha

Qwerinty

by zen death robot

Captain No-mates posted:

the beast allighted onto the battlements and screeched so loudly i could barely feel my own body, let alone react. it lunged out with a talon to grab me but i deflected with a quick flash of my blade. the creature was fast though, ungodly fast and it grabbed onto my arm and dragged me in towards that maw of teeth and ichor. i saw my only option as i ducked low and slammed my shield into its groin with all my might. it screeched and fell to the ground, it was hurt! my heart soared as i prepared my sword. however screeching turned to moaning and it violently undulated on the floor, suddenly it cried "again!!!! please!!!!!!!!" my shock at speech from this creature was tempered only by disgust ats its perversion. i lowered my blade as it begged me to hurt it, to make it feel again. i shook my head and strode away as it crawled towards me whining. who the has the time to bother with these hosed up lizards.

WetNightmare

by sebmojo
i went into the lair of the beast. i was no more than five paces in before i heard chewing noises and took cover behind a rock. peeking over i could see the beast, four times larger than any other dragon i had ever seen. fat rolls....on a dragon?! he was eating something straight from a large tin with no fork, just its clawed hands. "MORE WARRIORLOAF!" the beast cried shamelessly to its mother.

tao of lmao

The fact of the matter is, I would have never even gotten into trouble with dragons if I wasn't so insistent on showing off. It's the progamer in me coming out, but listen, you're not going to beat me in Jam, so don't ask me to play, don't ask me to "not go easy on you," if you're just going to get pissed off and torch my entire village and steal my machine, bitch.

El Spider

My name is Juan-Ramone Julio Rodriguez Lopez. I live in a small village in mexico close to the United State border. I fear for my life everyday due to guerillas and drug cartels struggling for power in the surrounding area. But recently things have gotten worse, a very big green dragon has been circling overhead and breathing flames on my corn crops and trying to kill my childrens. First I cannot compete with USA corn production and now I cannot even produce corn in the first place? Dios Mio even los Zetas would give me the option to pay them.,.. this beast knows no mercy. I am so poor I cannot even afford a rope to hang myself with

Captain No-mates

Los Lobos posted:

My name is Juan-Ramone Julio Rodriguez Lopez. I live in a small village in mexico close to the United State border. I fear for my life everyday due to guerillas and drug cartels struggling for power in the surrounding area. But recently things have gotten worse, a very big green dragon has been circling overhead and breathing flames on my corn crops and trying to kill my childrens. First I cannot compete with USA corn production and now I cannot even produce corn in the first place? Dios Mio even los Zetas would give me the option to pay them.,.. this beast knows no mercy. I am so poor I cannot even afford a rope to hang myself with

tao of lmao

rofl

cat_herder

BE GAY
DO CRIME


Los Lobos posted:

My name is Juan-Ramone Julio Rodriguez Lopez. I live in a small village in mexico close to the United State border. I fear for my life everyday due to guerillas and drug cartels struggling for power in the surrounding area. But recently things have gotten worse, a very big green dragon has been circling overhead and breathing flames on my corn crops and trying to kill my childrens. First I cannot compete with USA corn production and now I cannot even produce corn in the first place? Dios Mio even los Zetas would give me the option to pay them.,.. this beast knows no mercy. I am so poor I cannot even afford a rope to hang myself with

maybe the cartels and the dragon will kill each other Mr. Rodriguez Lopez.

im cute

Los Lobos posted:

My name is Juan-Ramone Julio Rodriguez Lopez. I live in a small village in mexico close to the United State border. I fear for my life everyday due to guerillas and drug cartels struggling for power in the surrounding area. But recently things have gotten worse, a very big green dragon has been circling overhead and breathing flames on my corn crops and trying to kill my childrens. First I cannot compete with USA corn production and now I cannot even produce corn in the first place? Dios Mio even los Zetas would give me the option to pay them.,.. this beast knows no mercy. I am so poor I cannot even afford a rope to hang myself with

yo gently caress dragons

Captain No-mates

i was renting a room in my new appartment and i ended up having this dragon andurlax the voracious. now i'd heard a lot about how lovely dragons were and how they were trouble waiting to happen but im a pretty open minded guy so i let him stay for a couple of months in between dungeons. let me tell you: this was a disaster. despite being a bazillionaire sleeping on a bed of jewels he never paid bills on time and was always saying he had problems with "liquidity" :rolleyes: he also left his dishes in his room for weeks stinking the whole place out, i mean fine if you have the space of a dungeon it would be LESS gross but in an inner city appartment, no thank you. he was also always macking on my girl friends who i brought over, mine was a party house so this sucked since none of the girls wanted to come and be hit on by some horned up lizard... also he brutally murdered and ate my friend chad but also he was so loving passive aggressive about people using his challice of eternal life as the king cup for ring of fire. i mean drunk people are gonna want to use the jewel encrusted golden cup, be reasonable!!!

overall would not reccommend.

pogi

Nomates you're alive!™™™!!!

Living Shield

Captain No-mates posted:

i accept that i am a peasant in a midieval-fantasy realm and that my life is destined to be bullshit forever. i accept that dragons came and killed everyone else in my village and burned our fields and ate our livestock but isn't that enough?? every day i bury my family and friends in graves near the shrine as was the custom of our people, then i forrage what little food there is to be had and sleep in the one remaining house. every morning i come down and all the corpses have been dug up and posed around the breakfast table and the graves filled in and the sound of draconic sniggering low on the air. why? why are they doing this to me? dont they have better things to be doing?? dont they have gold to be guarding or other villages to be destroying why do they spend their entire lives harassing me.. WHY????

cuntman.net

dragons are not real and if they were they would be more afraid of me than i am of them, i tell myself from inside a locker

a ritard

by XyloJW
i'd put my d in a dragon.

Senior Management



no-mates I thought you were a corpse it is very good news that you are an alive person instead please don't leave us.

verily carefree

Los Lobos posted:

I would never fill my head with thoughts of such a disgusting race

soft 4

bacalou


was eating a cinnamon pretzel at the mall the other day when suddenly the bon-ton across from the food court totally exploded in a million separate flames. a dragon comes out of the inferno and immediately cuts in line at the mcdonalds, IN FRONT OF A PREGNANT LADY! she just says 'jesus christ!' and then the dragon started tearing up pages of a bible and shoving them on the counter yelling "THIS IS CURRENCY. THIS IS WHAT YOU VALUE.". i don't know where he got the bible the christian bookstore closed down but he just started smearing the paper around, it's overflowing the counter. pushing someone's order out of the way, the beast hopped the counter and proceeded to just dip his hands into the fry station and eat a fistful. i left soon after as the fire had grown partially into the food court at that point but my friend abhay says he found huge turds in the sink the next morning. the front of my body is still tan from the incident, much like half of the mall.

cuntman.net

i was driving on the highway and a dragon landed in front of me and started running at 60 mph but the speed limit was 65

Salmiakki


when humans hoard people agree that its sick and damag ing, but when a dragon hoards its thought of as cool and noble. this is incredibly hosed up to me and i hate living in this dragon loving society

Damp Star Baby

Staying Legend. CA Exempt DEATH
I would've read nomates-kun's posts if it wasn't for that av :(

ulvir

"Puff the magic dragon"? more like piss off you poofter and leave me alone

my new dog

by Nyc_Tattoo
ashes and embers. Burnt out, cum soaked cars stand where they were discarded, like paper for sperm.

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Look, you think fighting dragons sucks? Try working for one. First of all, my employment contract specifically stated that I was to be paid at a rate of "not being eaten" on a biweekly basis. Well, one Friday he failed to devour a flock of sheep, so what does the fucker do? He bites my arm off and promises he'll "cough up the balance later." Well, you can imagine how well he kept that promise. Have you ever tried to fish your skeletal limb out of a steaming pile of dragon poo poo with your one remaining ungloved hand? Would not recommend.

And oh God, to watch him deal with his clients. I would have given anything to work down in the dungeon, hell I would have willingly thrown myself on some poor sap of a hero's spear rather than have to stand guard right at the entrance to his lair. He said it was a "promotion" to do lair duty and made it sound like it entailed a raise, like some treasure or something, but needless to say it was just one of those honorary "morale"-boosting things and anyway I'm getting off the subject. So he'd fly in with a wailing damsel, set her down, and then say something like, "Say, that's a nice ripped bodice you're wearing. Was it your mother's?" Yeah, I poo poo you not, he was "negging" her. And then he'd spend hours lecturing her on the evils of "friendzoning" and how feminism was eroding the fabric of society. I'd start praying that he'd just shut up and eat her or me or both of us.

Even leaving the fucker for a better job was awful because I forgot about the severance package. Yeah, there was some "severing" involved, all right. If you're going to put a copper in my hat could you also just scoot it a little closer to me so I can reach it with my teeth at the end of the day without falling over? Yeah, thanks.

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